It’s been commonplace around here to poke a bit of fun at Joe Flacco’s expense, and I have to admit, it probably starts with me. Look, I don’t actively root against the eyebrow guy. Granted, I don’t root for him either, seeing as how it’s like rooting for a speed bump. But there is a certain something about him that really fascinates me. And that can essentially be boiled down to the the gift that keeps on giving… and that’s the process for measuring how elite Joe Flacco actually is (not just his eyebrow(s), which are too f*cking elite). Well folks, I think it’s time, once again, to go through this process once more. After a convincing win against a Steelers team that was clearly missing LeVeon Bell and any semblance of a third down defense,  John Harbaugh said this after the game:
“Joe Flacco, what can you say… He’s the best quarterback in football.”
Well, first of all, don’t lead this off by asking “what can you say”. I can say a lot of things, and none of them would be what you said, John. Granted, yes, Flacco has a long history of being part of a lot of successful Ravens teams, including a Super Bowl ring and being the only quarterback in NFL history to win a playoff game in each of his first five seasons. Of course, there’s also the fact that he’s not really that good of a quarterback. But hey, when you’re just elite enough to win, who cares?
I guess I don’t. Then again, I’m now realizing that the Ravens vs. Patriots media extravaganza might be something I could have done without… been there, done that, ya know? Wait. What’s that you say? We’re going to have a Petyon Manning/Andrew Luck narrative to deal with as well?
Cardinals – 16, Panthers – 27
Cam Newton – 18/32, 198 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 35 YDS. We’ve replaced Derek Anderson with Cam Newton. Let’s see if anyone notices…
Mike Tolbert – 2 CAR, 7 YDS and 1 REC, 1 YD, 1 TD. More like Mike Toll House Cookies, amirite folks?
Ryan Lindley – 16/28, 82 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT. Ryan Lindley managed a playoffs passing touchdown… This tells me that God exists, but ultimately, he’s a god of chaos and hate.
Ravens – 30, Steelers – 17
Joe Flacco – 18/29, 259 YDS, 2 TD and 8 CAR, 8 YDS. So… I’ve have the stats for Flacco’s last few postseasons in front of me, and I should note that I’ve also seen those games. I feel like the stats are wrong…
Justin Forsett – 16 CAR, 36 YDS and 1 REC, 7 YDS. “Justin Forsett” sounds like a name they’d assign the Tony Dorsett player in a Nintendo Football game that couldn’t afford NFL licensing.
Steve Smith Sr. – 5 REC, 101 YDS. The reason Steve Smith is so angry is because he had to live in Utah for a few years. Which makes it seem so amazing that Karl Malone is so even-tempered.
Ben Roethlisberger – 31/45, 334 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 16 YDS. Big Ben has the ruddy glow of an alcoholic. And the beer belly of an alcoholic. What I’m saying is, he seems like an alcoholic.
Ben Tate – 5 CAR, 19 YDS and 2 REC, 9 YDS. You know, I think this Tate was a new person for the Steelers.
Heath Miller – 6 REC, 76 YDS. If Heath Miller catches a pass in a forest, do the trees HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEATH?
Bengals – 10, Colts – 26
Andrew Luck – 31/44, 376 YDS, 1 TD and 2 CAR, 18 YDS. Andrew Luck is the front-runner to star as the all-grown-up Amish boy turned cop in The Witness sequel.
Dan Herron – 12 CAR, 56 YDS, 1 TD, 1 FUM and 10 REC, 85 YDS. Boom Herron should change his name to Hoom Baron. Andrew Luck can be the Loom Baron.
T.Y. Hilton – 6 REC, 103 YDS. Sounds like the name of a big Texan oil baron. Or a new, deadly and exotic form of venereal disease named after a Hilton.
Hakeem Nicks – 3 REC, 59 YDS. Hakeem Nicks… useful? Talk about once upon a time…
Andy Dalton – 18/35, 155 YDS and 4 CAR, 34 YDS, 1 FUM. Andy Dalton should grow a mustache and take up mixology. This whole quarterback thing doesn’t really suit him that well.
Jeremy Hill – 13 CAR, 47 YDS, 1 TD. Jeremy Hill’s performance was the best thing about Andy Dalton’s performance.
Rex Burkhead – 3 REC, 34 YDS and 1 CAR, 23 YDS. Burkhead certainly played his way into a 2015 Patriots camp invite.
Lions – 20, Cowboys – 24
Tony Romo – 19/31, 293 YDS, 2 TD and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. Well, give him credit, Romocember is over, and to celebrate, he decided not to lead the Lions to victory yesterday. But, just a friendly reminder: If you rearrange the letters in Tony Romo, you get “Moron Toy”.
DeMarco Murray – 19 CAR, 75 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 22 YDS. This DeMarco Murray fella just might make something out of himself in the NFL.
Matthew Stafford – 28/42, 323 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 9 YDS, 2 FUM. Sure, you say it’s impossible to throw a football through a human being, but Matt Stafford would just say that it hasn’t happened yet.
Joique Bell – 12 CAR, 43 YDS and 4 REC, 42 YDS. At some point they’re just going to phase out Matt Stafford and hike directly to Bell.
Reggie Bush – 8 CAR, 37 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 10 YDS. Burned By The Bush: A John Holmes Memoir.
Golden Tate – 6 REC, 89 YDS, 1 TD. Of course he went to Notre Dame.
Calvin Johnson – 5 REC, 85 YDS. Hey, this Calvin Johnson guy is pretty good.
