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Last night, Odell Beckham had 10 receptions for 146 yards and two touchdowns. Oh, yeah, he also did this…

obeck

That was the best one-hander since I lost my virginity.

I’d love to write more, but that would probably only take away from what you see before you. So when you’re finished watching this glorious depiction of a football player doing a legendary thing, join me below for the round-up. Don’t worry, it took me about two hours and an ophthalmologist to get me to move on…

 

Browns – 26, Falcons – 24

Brian Hoyer – 23/40, 322 YDS, 3 INT and 3 CAR, 12 YDS. Those three interceptions were all in the fourth quarter as Hoyer went into drunken sailor mode. So much so, drunken sailors immediately objected strenuously.

Josh Gordon – 8 REC, 120 YDS and 0/1. Well, no touchdowns, but Josh Gordon looked well rested. Totally mellow, relaxed. So much so that I really thought he was going to get 4 catches for 20 yards. Way to mess that one up bro.

Isaiah Crowell – 12 CAR, 88 YDS, 2 TD. Imagine how good Ben Tate must have been to hold this guy back.

Matt Ryan – 27/43, 273 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 6 YDS. Matty Ice? More like Matty Tapwater, amiright folks?

 

Titins – 24, Eagles – 43

Mark Sanchez – 30/43, 307 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 4 CAR, 4 YDS. All that Sanchize action made me want some nachos. Let me go ahead and pass that forward.

LeSean McCoy – 21 CAR, 130 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 1 YDS. Wow, that line takes me back to the days when Shady would get the ball and I wouldn’t expect something other than a bit of a shimmy and a 1-yard gain. I guess this means the presence of an offensive line is important in the game of football.

Zach Mettenberger – 20/39, 345 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. At this point, would Steve McNair starting at quarterback really make the Titans any worse than they are right now? Sure, there are a lot of holes in that argument, but I think it’s worth a shot.

Delanie Walker – 5 REC, 155 YDS. 98% of all his fantasy points this year has come in just two games. Twist: You probably didn’t start him in either one.

 

Lions – 9, Patriots – 34

LeGarrette Blount – 12 CAR, 78 YDS, 2 TD. LeGarrette Blount wasted no time vulturing touchdowns for his new team. What. A. Jerk. Belichick’s Blount addiction needs some sort of intervention at this point.

Jonas Gray – DNP. Apparently, a four touchdown effort means nothing when you show up to practice late once. BILL BELICHICK IS SUCH A MOTIVATOR GUYS.

Tim Wright – 5 REC, 36 YDS, 2 TD. Looked better by the second on my bench.

Matthew Stafford – 18/46, 264 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 18 YDS. Stafford’s game inspired me to go outside and rake leaves and then pick up errant dog sh*t. But I wasn’t man enough to fully simulate the same experience by rolling in it.

Reggie Bush – DNP. Much like watching porn these days, you can never depend on Bush. However, reports are that he’ll be playing this Thursday for the annual Lions Thanksgiving game.

Calvin Johnson – 4 REC, 58 YDS. Why they do anything other than just throwing jump balls to Johnson, I’ll never understand.

 

Packers – 24, Vikings – 21

Eddie Lacy – 25 CAR, 125 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 13 YDS, 1 TD. Eddie Lacy ate Jerome Bettis. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened here.

Teddy Bridgewater – 21/37, 210 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 32 YDS. The Bridgewater to Charles Johnson (3 REC, 52 YDS, 1 TD) combo wouldn’t score any points in a fantasy league involving both of their mothers.

 

Jaguars – 3, Colts – 23

Trent Richardson – 13 CAR, 42 YDS, 1 TD. Trent Richardson is an All-Pro guys. But just in case, the Colts have Dan Herron (12 CAR, 65 YDS and 5 REC, 31 YDS.), who actually showed an ability to carry the ball more than two yards at a time.

T.Y. Hilton – 4 REC, 122 YDS, 1 TD. T.Y. Hilton sounded like Sergeant Lincoln Osiris, played by Kirk Lazarus, talking about the war…

Blake Bortles – 15/27, 146 YDS, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 24 YDS. How many Bortles could a Blake Bortles Bortle, if a Blake Bortles could Bortle Bortles? You know, if a Jaguars fan was a thing that actually existed, I would ask them if 95% of Bortles completions come after the team is down by 20.    

 

Bengals – 22, Texans – 13

Andy Dalton – 24/35, 233 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 6 YDS. I find Dalton interesting, in that you never know which one will show up; will it be The Good, the Bad or the Ugly? Well, granted, the ugly always shows up. So I guess it’s just the good and bad flipping a coin to see who’s turn it is. Just remember though, you can’t spell “regretting” without “G-i-n-g-e-r”.

Jeremy Hill – 18 CAR, 87 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 9 YDS. To be fair, “Here, Giovani Bernard (17 CAR, 45 YDS and 2 REC, 22 YDS.), we’re gonna give the ball to you off left tackle over-and-over agian with no variation. See what you can do with that” was pretty much the entire game plan. I like both, Hill a little more, but with both of them healthy, their collective ceilings lower a bit.

A.J. Green – 12 REC, 121 YDS. The Texans needed to cover A.J. Green. What? They did cover Green? Yeah… about that.

Ryan Mallett – 21/45, 189 YDS, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. I keep forgetting… why didn’t the Texans draft a quarterback this year? What was the reasoning?    

 

Buccaneers – 13, Bears -21

Matt Forte – 23 CAR, 89 YDS, 2 TD and 5 REC, 23 YDS. Led team in offense, including both carries and receptions. The limb I’m out on is pretty shaky, but I’m going to say it. Matt Forte is pretty good.

Vincent Jackson – 5 REC, 117 YDS. Jackson wants you to know that he is alive and well. On your bench.

Mike Evans – 3 REC, 47 YDS, 1 TD. The Mike Evans scoring train just keeps on chugging away! Choo-choo muthaf*ckers.    

 

Cardinals – 3, Seahawks 19

Russell Wilson – 17/22, 211 YDS, 1 TD and 10 CAR, 73 YDS. So did Russell Wilson celebrate yesterday’s win by punching a kid in the face?

Drew Stanton – 14/26, 149 YDS, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 23 YDS. Drew Stanton put up a JaMarcus-esque passer rating of 54.8 yesterday, yet still was one yard off the highest rushing total for the team. Not sure if that should make you laugh or cry.

John Brown – 3  REC, 61 YDS. It must be incredibly confusing having John Brown and Jaron Brown (3 REC, 24 YDS.) on the same team.  

 

Rams – 24, Chargers – 27

Ryan Mathews – 12 CAR, 105 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 8 YDS. Wow. Such Mathews. Much run.

Keenan Allen – 6 REC, 104 YDS, 1 TD. Keenan Allen making up for past mistakes.

Shaun Hill – 18/35, 198 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT. Hill has the weirdest release motion I’ve seen. Then again, so do I… but I cuddle afterwards.  

 

Washington Football Team – 13, 49ers – 17

Robert Griffin – 11/19, 106 YDS and 4 CAR, 11 YDS. I haven’t seen an Indian lay down and given up like this since the Trail of Tears. (Too soon?)

Alfred Morris – 21 CAR, 125 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 5 YDS. The “keeping the ball out of RG3’s hand’s” game plan was a solid one for the most part. But honestly, just put Colt McCoy in and be done with it already. Or is it Kirk Cousins turn? F*ck it. Why not both?

Colin Kaepernick – 20/29, 256 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 9 CAR, 14 YDS. More like Kaeperpick, amirght?    

 

Dolphins – 36, Broncos – 39

shaking-dolphin

Peyton Manning – 28/35, 257 YDS, 4 TD and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. It’s certainly hard to say after producing a great line, but for much of the game, he was continuing the past few-weeks trend of throwing the ball as well as the pizza that he shills for. Still, if that’s what passes for a 4 touchdown game, the world’s gonna be just fine.

C.J. Anderson – 27 CAR, 167 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 28 YDS. Just curious with Montee Ball… has any Wisconsin running back not sucked once they hit the NFL? Ron Dayne was almost adequate one season. OK, maybe one month.

Wes Welker – 4 REC, 18 YDS, 1 TD. Welker gonna get some extra Molly this week with that touchdown.

Ryan Tannehill – 26/36, 228 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT. Maybe Tannehill will wind up being good for something other than hot wife jokes after all… naaaaaaaah.    

 

Cowboys – 31, Giants – 28

This is all you need to know about this game…

Tony Romo – 18/26, 275 YDS, 4 TD. See above.

DeMarco Murray – 24 CAR, 121 YDS and 2 REC, 22 YDS. See above.

Dez Bryant – 7 REC, 86 YDS, 2 TD. See above.

Eli Manning – 29/40, 338 YDS, 3 TD. See above.

Odell Beckham Jr. – 10 REC, 146 YDS, 2 TD. See above.