If you didn’t notice, or if you didn’t read yesterday’s post, we are now travelling the December part of our football journey. And it’s almost as if a few weeks ago, some misguided couple named their child “Playoff Implications”. And let me tell you guys, when this kid grew up, he joined the military. And yesterday, that child reached the rank of “Major”. And the concept of that wonderful anecdote I just shared was manifested in the most ridiculous way possible… in the NFC South. Surprise! On a day that saw back-to-back shutouts for the Rams, the Jets still Jets’ing, it was no surprise to see the Saints lose and lose soundly at home to just an awful Carolina Panthers team. The Atlanta Falcons, with an unlikely win tonight (against the Packers at home), can build an insurmountable divisional lead and first place with a 6-7 record. AND they could probably do the same by losing! Heck, Carolina could take the division with a 6-9-1 record if they wanted to. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANY TIME. If only the division wasn’t comparable to reading dildo reviews…
Steelers – 42, Bengals – 21
Le’Veon Bell – 26 CAR, 185 YDS, 2 TD and 6 REC, 50 YDS, 1 TD. Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown (9 REC, 117 YDS):Â Good at this footed balls game-sport.
Martavis Bryant – 4 REC, 109 YDS, 1 TD. VIVA MARTAVIS!
Andy Dalton – 21/29, 302 YDS, 2 TD and 4 CAR, 22 YDS, 1 TD, 1 FUM. Certainly a dash of ginger on his 20 yard touchdown run. Got knocked out later in the game, allowing all of us to know how Jason Campbell (4/6, 25 YDS and 1 CAR, 1 YDS, 1 FUM.) was doing. Same, as always. The good news: Dalton came back some plays later. The bad news? Dalton came back.
Rams – 24, Washington Football Team – 0
In what was herelded (by me) as the “Shaun Hill (16/22, 213 YDS, 2 TD) vs. Colt McCoy (20/32, 199 YDS, 2 INT) SHOWDOWN: CLASH OF NFL EUROPE-LEVEL TALENT!”, this game provided everything it should have. Which was essentially some of the worst quarters of football I’ve ever seen in my life by Washington. The Trail of Tears indeed.
Jared Cook – 4 REC, 61 YDS, 2 TD. The Chicago Bears thinks that Washington might need to work on pass defense.
Tavon Austin – 2 REC, 14 YDS (4 PR, 143 YDS, 1 TD). So, pretty much the “not completely useless/highest drafted punt returner since Ted Ginn, Jr., yes?
Robert Griffin – 3/4, 33 YDS. Coming in at the end was the cherry on top of the sh*t cake of a game this was.
Giants – 36, Titans – 7
Eli Manning – 26/42, 260 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT. 36 points, and this is your line? I guess it’s true that you can’t spell terrible without E-L-I…
Odell Beckham Jr. – 11 REC, 130 YDS, 1 TD. So, do you guys think Beckham will actually be good enough to overcome all the suck that is the Giants this year? I think so.
Panthers -41, Saints – 10
Cam Newton – 21-33, 226 YDS, 3 TD and 12 CAR, 83 YDS, 1 TD. Thanks Cam! My bench really needed those points!
Mike Tolbert – 5 CAR, 28 YDS and 2 REC, 34 YDS. Is Mike Tolbert the fattest skill-position player of all time? This is me not wanting to talk about Jonathan Stewart (20 CAR, 155 YDS, 1 TD). I don’t understand it and I won’t respond to it.
Greg Olsen – 10 REC, 72 YDS, 1 TD. Look at that Drew Brees (29/49, 235 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 6 YDS)! Other quarterbacks throw to their tight ends!
Mark Ingram – 10 CAR, 43 YDS, 1 FUM and 2 REC, 13 YDS. It was an interesting decision by Ingram on his fumble, to chuck the ball at the Carolina defense. The strategy didn’t quite work out, much like his decision to be 2013 Mark Ingram.
Jets – 24, Vikings – 30
Teddy Bridgewater – 19/27, 309 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 7 YDS. Every time I hear Teddy Bridgewater’s name, I hear Berman calling him Teddy “Bridge Over Troubled Water” and then I want to die. Help.
Matt Asiata – 19 CAR, 54 YDS and 3 REC, 10 YDS. We’ve always been at war with Asiata.
Greg Jennings – 5 REC, 52 YDS. Greg Jennings: Still alive.
Jarius Wright – 4 REC, 123 YDS, 1 TD. Jets secondary: Still bad.
Geno Smith – 18/29, 254 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 33 YDS. I think it’s safe to say that the Jets experiment of trying to play in the NFL without a real quarterback has yet to find success. But I commend their dedicated 35-year effort to see this experiment through to the end.
Percy Harvin – 6 REC, 124 YDS, 1 TD and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. Marty Mornhinweg has finally realized that Harvin is on his team. Only took about, oh, a month.
Jeff Cumberland – 2 TGTS. Cumberland is completely useless. He can’t block, he can’t catch, and commits penalties all the time. Basically, he’s the perfect Jets player.
Ravens – 28, Dolphins – 13
Joe Flacco – 25/33, 269 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 35 YDS. Something-something eyebrows, Muppet joke, elite something, elite everything, and that’s a wrap.
Brian Hartline – 2 REC, 11 YDS. Proof of Life (a phrase commonly used to indicate proof that a kidnap victim is still alive. Also a sh*tty movie.)
Colts – 25, Browns – 24
This how bad it is to be a Browns fan… they’re over .500 this late in the season for the first time since 2002, and they’re in last place.
Andrew Luck – 24/53, 294 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 37 YDS, 1 TD. Luck is so slow, something-something architect joke, building collapses. HODOR!
Trent Richardson – 7 CAR, 30 YDS. “Richardson, still in the game” is the nicest thing that can be said about his career thus far.
Coby Fleener – 5 REC, 56 YDS. Fleener sounds like the name of the “wacky neighbor” in some 80’s sitcom.
Reggie Wayne – 1 REC, 5 YDS. Someone give Reggie Wayne a walking stick.
Brian Hoyer – 14/31, 140 YDS, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. “Factory of Sadness working at maximum capacity, sir!”
Buccaneers – 17, Lions – 34
Vincent Jackson – 10 REC, 159 YDS. Can’t figure out what to do with Vincent Jackson? Alcohol is the answer. To a lot of things now that I think about it. Probably everything.
Calvin Johnson – 8 REC, 158 YDS, 1 TD. Wow. Such Megatron. Much catch.
Texans – 27, Jaguars – 13
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 13/19, 135 YDS and 8 CAR, 19 YDS, 1 TD. Thanks to his Ivy League background, Fitzpatrick understands regression to the mean and is able to demonstrate it.
Arian Foster – 24 CAR, 127 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 21 YDS. Foster has gotta feel good with Alfred Blue (9 CAR, 15 YDS, 1 TD) balling. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m not going to let a blue-balls joke go to waste. EVER.
Blake Bortles – 20/39, 205 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 10 YDS. Blake Bortles blasts ball into big box bowled by behemoth.
Bills – 17, Broncos – 24
Peyton Manning – 14/20, 173 YDS, 2 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. I’m worried about the Pey-Pey. His robot parts are wearing down.
C.J. Anderson – 21 CAR, 58 YDS, 3 TD. I’m considering undergoing major elective surgery so I can have C.J. Anderson’s children.
Chiefs – 14, Cardinals – 17
Alex Smith – 26/39, 293 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 26 YDS. 20,000 career yards for Alex Smith? That’s, like, 40,000 yards for a quarterback without so many checkdowns.
Did you know that Antonio Brown has better numbers than Jason Avant (5 REC, 64 YDS), Dwayne Bowe (2 REC, 29 YDS), Albert Wilson (4 REC, 53 YDS) and every other receiver on the Chiefs… combined? FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR?
Seahawks – 24, Eagles – 14
I’ve noticed something. The Eagles go three-and-out at, like, blinding speed. Probably because it’s all about tempo. We’ll call that “Chip Kelly’s hurry-up three-and-outs”.
Mark Sanchez – 10/20, 96 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 7 YDS. Why isn’t Sanchez repping Taco Bell? Sanchez with eagle wings swooping down and stealing someone’s chalupa would be awesome.
Only “The Legion of Get There Too Early” (aka “The Legion of Defensive Holding”)Â may hold receivers like Jordan Matthews (2 REC, 23 YDS), Jeremy Maclin (3 REC, 21 YDS, 1 TD), and Riley Cooper (3 REC, 13 YDS… more like Riley Pooper, amiright?) to these numbers.
LeSean McCoy – 17 CAR, 50 YDS. Poor Shady… he never gets to have nice things inside the one.
49ers – 13, Raiders – 24
Free shivs (in the kidney) were given out to everyone after the game! And some lucky fans even got a bonus shiv (in the abdomen)!
Colin Kaepernick – 18/33, 174 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 26 YDS. Colin Kaepernick devolving into “Geno light”, I see…
Patriots – 23, Chargers – 14
