I’m so glad I’m getting these out of the way. On the one hand, yes, they count for scoring points. On the other hand, they really have no major relevance to how you draft. On the third hand, which is actually the first hand wrapped around your back and making you look deformed until you realize you’re missing your first hand…well, you get the point…I think. I am ranking kickers because rankings are what we do here but you don’t have to pretend I’m happy about it. I promise you, I’m not.
Kickers projections are based on Field Goals Made and Extra Points Made. Projections that you care are based on a scale of ‘hell’ and goes all the way to ‘no’
1. Mason Crosby -This is the first tier and goes from here to Stephen. It’s the ‘great kicker, great offense’ tier because they’re great kickers and they play for a great offense…I didn’t think that needed to be explained. I almost went with a Green Bay pun here but felt it was going to be too cheesy. ZING! Yeah, got nuthin. 2012 Projections: 30/60
2. Stephen Gostowski –  It’s really amazing how many people in Boston wear Gostowski jerseys until you realize how many fair weather fans think they own a Rob Gronkowski jersey. That might be my last quip for kickers. Are we done yet? 2012 Projections: 30/55
3. Dan Bailey – Bailey is the start of the next tier and it goes to Hartley. I call this the ‘good kicker, great offense’ because…really, do I have to explain this? I have faith in your ability to go from point A to point B on this one. If you really need a map, I drew it for you. It’s on a cocktail napkin and was made with the condensation from my pint of beer. See what I did just there? I made you go in circles. Serves you right for making me explain something that simple! 2012 Projections: 30/45
4. Alex Henery – Yeah, he finished 16th in scoring on ESPN player raters for kickers. However, the Eagles are a better team than they were last year so his scoring opportunities should go up. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. Oh wow, it’s on the web! I must’ve said it out loud while my ‘Talk It Type It’ software was on. 2012 Projections: 30/45
5. Garrett Hartley – Little known fact, I went to school with a girl that had the last name Hartley. I can’t remember her first name. To be honest, she wasn’t that cute so I’m surprised I remembered her last name. Little known fact part deux, Garrett should be healthy this year and kicking in a dome for an offense that is run by Drew Brees. I think the second little known fact was probably the more pertinent to this list but it’s not like I can take what I typed first back. My backspace button is stuck. 2012 Projections: 25/55
6. David Akers – This is the start of the next tier and it goes to Sea Bass. I call this tier ‘great kicker, mediocre offense’ as these two score most of their points off off their team’s ineptitude once they get within 20 yards of the goal line. He led kickers in scoring last year by a wide margin and is a great kicker but when ranking, I have to go with the better offense first before I rank guys like this. Man, I’m explaining my kicker rankings. I thought prom night was the lowest point of my life. They told me turquoise was back in style. They lied. 2012 Projections: 35/35
7. Sebastian Janikowski – How can you not root for a guy who looks like he’d be more at home downing pitchers of lager at your local town dive than he does on the football field? Even when he’s ill-tempered, Sea Bass usually delivers. On a wholly unrelated note, my word count is telling me I’ve now written over 700 words about kickers and the number keeps rising. It’s almost like it’s mocking me and my sheer anguish. I hate you, word count! I hate you! 2012 Projections: 30/40
8. Jason Hanson – This tier starts with Hanson and goes to Neil. I call this tier the ‘I have lost my will to live’ tier because ranking kickers has pretty much dealt me a death blow I shan’t recover from. See how I used a classy word like ‘shan’t’? It’s that dire! The Lions are a good offensive club and Hanson is a decent kicker. He also gets to play his home games in a dome. More superlatives. More whimsical nonsense. Now done. 2012 Projections: 20/50
9. Rob Bironas– Bironas is about as steady as it gets so putting him in the top ten just makes sense. I have no problems singing ‘muh-muh-muh-my Bironas!’ to The Knacks song on draft day. It’s awkward, but you can do it too if you’d like. 2012 Projections: 30/35
10. Neil Rackers – This is the end…my kicker friends, the end. Neil gets my vote because of the man, the myth, the soon to be legend RGIII arriving in Washington. He also gets on here because I love saying ‘nice Rack(ers)’. Word Count now over 800. I’m truly disgusted and looking to be blind stinking drunk as soon as possible so as to forget this ever happened. Bye all! 2012 Projections: 25/45
