Through the Wire, Week 2: My Johnson has a Woodhead

So there we have it, one week in the books and I already hate all but one of my fantasy teams. I mean I have eight, one would think I should at least like two, maybe even three, but noooooooooo... I like one. Is it me or is Fantasy Football the most frustrating thing in the world? All it takes is one week and you realize your team is awful, all your sleepers are overhyped busts, and the guys you avoided are all-pros. Two bench players and one of your first five picks is done for the season. Your quarterback looks like he couldn't make the Montreal Alouettes, all of your running backs are on the losing end of their respective committees, and the season just started. Fantasy Football is like dating the Natasha Henstridge's character in Species. She's beautiful, she knows her way around for a good time, and is eager to mate. This is what I like to call the honeymoon phase following the draft. Then you find out she's trying to mate so she can produce offspring to kill off the human race, and will probably puncture your skull with her tongue as soon as she has a chance. So let's call the "Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue" phase Week 1. Mostly because that's how it feels, but also because "Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue" phase is a mouthful and Week 1 is just much shorter. So what can we do but hang our heads in shame and head to the wire to seek out suitable replacements? Here's some of the claims I'm placing to save my fleet of sinking ships...

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Bear or Bull: DirecTV Manning

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 20 Comments

by: Son

Peyton Manning... or Really High Voice Peyton Manning...?

Both stunk up the joint Sunday against the Baltimore Ravens. He, or "they" looked like a guy that spent Friday and Saturday smoking tons of that wacky tobacky and ordering endless amounts of Papa John's Pizza. Speaking of Papa John's and wacky tobacky, does anyone find it just a wee bit coincidental that the same year Peyton Manning joined the Broncos is the same year Colorado legalized marijuana for recreational use? And Manning just happened to buy a gazillion Papa John's throughout the state? GENIUS! So Manning ended Sunday's game against the Baltimore Ravens, throwing 24/40, 175 yards and 1 interception...

Hit it or Quit it, Week 2: Green with Envy

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Buy/Sell, 2015 Fantasy Football | 56 Comments

by: Jennifer

Welcome back, my loyal horde, to another episode of Hit it or Quit it with yours truly. Hopefully you are all still alive and well, have not committed yourselves to some psych unit somewhere, and are not on suicide watch after that abysmal week one performance by your first round picks. I, for one, took a massive hit this week and ended up going a sad 3-3 in my leagues. Despite me telling you all last week to pick up Dion Lewis, many of you had doubts. While I, on the other hand, completely FORGOT to start him which contributed to many of my abysmal losses. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts, because I will not be that lazy again. And for some of you, my "Black Widow Curse" obliterated any chance of you beating me in the coming weeks again. So hopefully you haven’t pulled a scrotum or taco with all of those knee-jerk reactions yet, and you will take heed before you head to the waiver wire this week. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, degenerates and ex-cons, I give you the Week 2 version of Hit it or Quit it...

Fantasy 101: Eli Spreading His Seed

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Roster Strategy | 5 Comments

by: KVC

Hello fellow Razzballians. Now that the season has officially begun, it is time for a paradigm shift. That paradigm shift is hitting the switch from “preseason ranking” to “regular season reality”. As the season progresses, your preseason rankings (and ours!) will matter less and less. And if you will follow that logic one step further, then the round (or money spent, for you auctioneers out there) in which you drafted a particular player becomes less important. Or at least it should. Mentally and emotionally, it is very hard to bench, trade, or drop a first or second round player. However, once the season the starts, your success is based on trades, waiver wire moves, and having the guts to bench your second round player when it is necessary. Your success is not based on how well your team looked after the draft. More so, it is based on how well your team looks after Week 8, when injuries and bye weeks cripple teams. Now with that all being said, I want to look at the New York Football Giants for a little bit. And more specifically, Eli Manning and his long list of productive receivers. (While this may be a little lengthy, I promise I will tie it all back in at the end).

Tiny Darren Still Tiny

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 153 Comments

by: Jay

[caption id="attachment_36813" align="aligncenter" width="480"]

“PULL BRADFORD!” - Eagles Fans from the first snap to the second half, and then again in the fourth quarter. They're nothing if not consistent.[/caption] Granted, I think that was the longest I've ever seen Sam Bradford play, but as I alluded to in yesterday's round-up, the NFC East is crucial when it comes to developing, producing, and delivering derp. In fact, the most surprising part is how the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys are reaching closer and closer to Washington in derp levels. Something like a tide lifts all boats type of strategy perhaps. The first half was interesting, in that I couldn't really deduce what exactly was going on... was Chip Kelly's innovations on offense suffering because the Falcons defense was actually trying (something they hadn't implemented in years), or was Chip Kelly's innovations just so next level, his goal was to get the punting team to take the field as quickly as possible? One can never know, and I'll admit, I didn't know until things went back to semi-normal in the third quarter, where the Eagles scored 14 unanswered points on the tiny back of Darren Sproles, who was located on your fantasy bench. And all of this was against the prototypical Kyle Shanahan offense, which had like 600-yards and just two touchdowns... But of course, in Eagles fashion, with the chance to drive down the field with two minutes to go and win the game, Bradford threw a pass to Jordan Matthews only to see it hit off his hands into the Falcons defense (shown above). I'm pretty sure the NFC East will just be taking a sabbatical this year... And as for the Vikings vs. 49ers game... I don't really want to talk about it. Let's just say the entire game reminded me of some kind of avant-garde Burning Man exhibition piece. In a civilized country, both of those teams would have gotten the help they needed... New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Monday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1

September 14, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 28 Comments

by: Jay

[caption id="attachment_30899" align="aligncenter" width="500"]

EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER[/caption] I sometimes wonder how we got through this past Sunday without the innovation and up-tempo musings of one Chip Kelly. While there is a double-header tonight (and the Vikings vs. 49ers should be quite the average-quality type of game), most eyes will be watching the coach who is known as the master of quicksaster, the dean of getting rid of disgruntled African-American players, the champion of signing one of the best African-American running backs this offseason, and the king of trading anything and everything to mold the Eagles into the Oregon Ducks. Probably one of the longest descriptions of Chip Kelly out there, sure, but still apt, and it has nothing on the thesis-order you'd put in at Starbucks to get a coffee, black. Yes, Chip Kelly is all those things and more, and tonight, we get to see his experiment finally at work. With offensive principles like Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray, and Ryan Mathews, I ask you, what could go wrong?

How Did the Giants Win Two Super Bowls?

September 14, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 178 Comments

by: Jay

While I always say that Sunday Night Football is tacitly known as the premier match-up of the weekend, I wasn't necessarily wanting to lead-off my first recap of Sunday's games with it, but if the Cowboys and Giants continue the long NFC East tradition of having memorable derp-offs, I have very little choice in the matter. In a game that featured two interceptions and two fumbles (and that was just the Cowboys!), Run DMC being his usual "Run for two feet then drop DMC", coaching you'd expect from the Princeton ginger Jason Garrett and a guy with the last name McAdoo, well, you'd be hard pressed to follow all that up with a fascinating and suspenseful last two minutes. But they did. After an "interesting" (to be kind) play-action call at the one-yard line (I'm assuming even Pete Carroll would call a run play there) with just about 1:40 left in the game that failed with an intentional throw out of bounds by Eli Manning, the Cowboys quickly drove down the field in just 88 seconds, scoring the go ahead touchdown shown above. On that score, Romo was able to connect with Jason Witten after dropping a bad snap, which seems like the most Romo thing ever. Unless it ended up being an interception. Good hustle Cowboys and Giants... I can't wait to see what the derp looks like when the Eagles and Washington get involved. Especially Washington. They were born in the derp. Molded by it... Here's what else I saw in Week 1 (with bonus first week knee-jerk reactions!)...

Sunday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1: Giants vs. Cowboys

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 25 Comments

by: Jay

An interesting factoid that you may not be aware of is that since 2009, Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth have called exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. Which essentially means that if you've watched Sunday Night Football since 2009, you also watched exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. What can I say? Sometimes math is very kind to me. Granted, this math probably applies equally to any Cowboys/Eagles, Ravens/Steelers, and Manning/Brady games, with a few Pats/Colts and Seahawks/49ers match-ups thrown in, so what I'm basically saying I guess is that NBC loves ratings and schedules their games accordingly. This incredible deduction by yours truly may or may not have been because I'm a fan of BBC's Sherlock... but it certainly didn't hurt.

Late Games Live Thread, Week 1

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 15 Comments

by: Jay

Nike-signs-Jameis-Winston-Marcus-Mariota-Melvin-Gordon-and-Amari-Cooper

With the early slate of games nearly in the book, we can now turn our attention to the late games, where there are even more marquee match-ups featuring legendary players, long held rivalries, and the ultimate in what we know as professional football. And that's just the Titans and Buccaneers game I'm talking about. Hyperbole aside, the game does feature an intriguing match-up between two rookie quarterbacks; Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston.

Early Games Live Thread, Week 1

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 80 Comments

by: Jay

[caption id="attachment_25881" align="aligncenter" width="540"]

Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

So much gum chewing. Someone just give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…[/caption] The season is now in full swing, with the first Sunday of football for 2015 season bringing us a fantastic slate of games. Do you want action? Do you want drama? Do you want romance? I WANT ALL OF THESE THINGS. Well, then I present to you the Browns versus the Jets. Haha, just kidding… but this is Week 1… I wouldn’t have really minded that being the premier match-up... well, for at least a few minutes. Honestly, what can you say about Jets that would excite anyone? And what can you say about that Browns that hasn’t already been said about Iraq? Nada, to use a parlance of our times. But there are some actual marquee match-ups this Sunday morning, including, but not limited to the Bears hosting the Packers, the newly revamped Bills facing off against the Colts, and a battle of cats between the Panthers and Jaguars. Then there's an interesting NFC West match-up involving the Seahawks and Rams, which I'm sure will include Pete Carroll smacking his jaw like a guy who just did coke after being clean for 20 years... Our rankings have been updated for today's games and can be found here. New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

The Stats Machine: Palindromes

September 12, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Roster Strategy | 19 Comments

by: malamoney

"A palindrome is a word, phrase, number, or other sequence of characters which reads the same backward or forward. Allowances may be made for adjustments to capital letters, punctuation, and word dividers." - Wikipedia The word "stats" is a palindrome. So are words like "kayak", "level" and "radar". How about "race car" or "top spot". Even phrases such as "Madam I'm Adam" and "never odd or even" are palindromes. Why isn't the word "palindrome" a palindrome? Shouldn't they have picked a word that was? Palindrome spelled backwards spells "semordnilap", which is apparently defined as a word that spells a different word when spelled backwards. Some examples include "stressed", "war", "evil", "spoon" and even "sports". But what if C-A-T really spelled dog? So how does any of this help you with your fantasy football team? It doesn't. However when I started writing this post and typed the word "stats" I realized for the first time that it was in fact a palindrome and felt compelled to mention it...

Start ’em and Sit ’em, Week 1: The Elders Have Spoken

September 12, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Roster Strategy | 60 Comments

by: LT Murray IV

Greetings! Totally awesome Thursday Night Football, right? A wretched performance by T-Pain, Bob Kraft's trout-ass trotting around the field like a prized gelding, the Steelers headsets "malfunctioning", and of course, GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, is all I really took away from a game that was missing what was basically every player I wanted to watch, due to a suspension for smoking that sticky icky. The game went pretty much as I expected, other than D'Angelo treating the Patriots run defense the way my favorite porn star and close friend, Mandingo, treats his co-stars. No sir, I am not sold on the Patriots being a contender this season. My apologies to the mass-holes, who verbally beat me like a piñata each and every day on Twitter for that epic Seattle Seahawks fail in the Super Bowl. Your time is coming. Oh yes, your time is coming (laughs maniacally while coating my naked body in Vaseline). But seriously though, who cares about real football!? This is a fantasy site, ya'll! Communicating with the Elder Gods is a complicated and somewhat challenging affair; It involves an immense fire pit, sage brush, a quarter oz. of Peyote, a fifth of Everclear, animal sacrifice, and a bit of luck. Even when they accept my summons and pass the peace pipe with me, deciphering their language and riddles is a most difficult thing to accomplish, but I do my utmost, and that is all one can ask of a man such as myself. Below, is what the Elders have foretold for Week 1. I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start 'em and Sit 'em. Take heed! You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs...