I woke up this morning with a pain in my heart. I couldn’t quite place what caused it, but it was there. So instead of indulging this pain by calling out sick, and moping around the house all day in those super comfy plaid fleece pants, I decided to go to work and go about my day as if the pain wasn’t there. But it was there, oh it was there. I was just in denial, I knew what the pain was, and I knew what caused it. But I was holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. But there I was, 1:30 pm EST in the front conference room at the office in a meeting with clients. My phone buzzed, and when I peered down at my screen it was just as I had feared “Dion Lewis out for season with ACL tear”. At that moment, I let out a primal scream that could only be matched by the sound of my mighty swinging scrotum pounding the inner-thighs of Tehol’s wiz. This is my fate for making light of all you Charles, Bell, and Foster owners in past weeks. In one awkward step a dream was lost, and a little piece of me died. I stand before you jaded and less innocent to life’s unfair twists, than I did a week ago. Now, as we always do, we pickup the pieces, recollect, and hit the wire…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Period Accuracy Rank High Low Percentile
2015 56.4% 23 out of 132 59.4% 48.3% Top 20%
2014 58.1% 31 out of 125 60.7% 50.6% Top 25%

A lot has changed in a month, oh, hold on… I’m sorry, just one second here, let me take off my captain’s hat. It takes so long to remove because of how big it is. I think it’s probably since the word “obvious” is in, like, size 840 font. As I was saying, it feels like years (DECADES EVEN!) since we’ve gone back and updated the preseason rankings. And there’s a reason for that. I’m just not a huge movement guy early in the season, probably because of the profound lack of fiber in my diet. I hesitate making reactionary moves, and I’d rather see how things play out in a majority of scenarios in Fantasy Football. Much like Fantasy Baseball, I want to see how things stew a bit before making wholesale changes, and to be honest, I would love you to do the same. Now, unlike baseball, waiting 20 games or so for trends to emerge wouldn’t work here, as you’d be making roster changes around Super Bowl time… just a little bit tardy there. Just a little. But taking the beginning of the season in a 4-game increment can be beneficial for your mind, body, soul, and probably loins. There’s science to back this up, I swear.

Here are Razzball’s Rest of Season Rankings for 2015:

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Please, blog, may I have some more?

The NFL regular season starts Thursday. Oh what a glorious daaaaaay. Ohhhhh, kickin off the NFL season, the Tehol Beddict waaaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, I just went Billy Madison on that ass, one of the Elder Gods (and my) favorite films. A tale of growth and maturation. A tale of destiny. You see, I was once like Billy, taking shots of Tequila with porn stars at 9 AM. Smoking peyote with tribesman in the Bermuda triangle. Doing lines of white lightening out of call girls’s yin-yangs in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. Yes, traveling the world and flexing your glutes for the camera can lead to some interesting experiences, but my life was incredibly empty. Was this really my true calling? One fine day, while I was going through my daily routine of harassing and verbally abusing my best friends to the point of them no longer speaking to me, like a bitch slap from Peter North’s dong, it hit me! I had a gift for creative writing and was without question a fantasy sports savant. Wouldn’t you know it, two weeks later I met Grey Albright at a swingers club in Tahoe, bonding with him as we Eiffel towered my long term lover. He thoroughly enjoyed combining the Naked Gun films with fantasy baseball for a post and decided to bring me in the fold. Was it my rapier wit or the briefcase full of money I left in the trunk of his car along with a bag containing the hair from my freshly shaved scrotum? I’ll never know, but, what I do know is, entertaining people with my mind and creativity is much more stimulating than greasing up my ass and grabbing my ankles for the cameraman. I’m happy to be here. Shout out to Billy Madison, for he followed his dreams, just as I have. We are kindred spirits, him and I.

I’m really losing it. Can we please get to my Week 1 rankings? I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! I’d like to start by praising the Elders for giving me the strength and durability of a Kardashian furburger, allowing me to put in more fantasy sports work in these past few weeks than I ever thought humanly possible. From co-hosting the Razzball Fantasy Football podcast (my wet dream come true) with Jay (great musical choice this week. KUDOS!), to doing the In this League podcast with talented and sexy Bogman and the Welsh (I teach them all about designer clothing), then to my dear-dear friends Justin Mason and Mike Werner’s Friends with Fantasy Benefits podcast (I’m stealing that name if it’s not trademarked), AND FINALLY I’ll also be joining my squad on The Nickel Press Live Show, which we will be doing every week, Sunday mornings before game time. That’s not even mentioning the two Fantasy football posts a week and doing my utmost to respond to each and every one of your fantasy questions and comments. Oh, and I dropped THIS!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Forgive me I’m not up to date on current sporting events, for Twitter, whom I fully depend on for all news and information, locked my account for a solid 24 hours! Any Quarterbacks get hurt? Did the Bills announce a starter? My life is meaningless without Twitter and the Elder Gods are known to punish me from time to time, usually when I’m riding high, basking in the glory of some incredible accomplishment, like the time I demoralized the Hilton sisters in a game of naked Twister. By demoralized, I mean that I gave both of them the profound type of hickory sticking that would make even the great Ray-J smile upon me like a proud father. Matter of fact, he was there filming it. Sorry, I’m rambling again, reminiscing about the heroic years that were my youth. But seriously, I haven’t been without Twitter for this long since the last time Sky locked me in his basement. Yes, Sky, I know: It puts the lotion on the skin!

Let’s talk quarterbacks, shall we? I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Serious question: Do any of you fine people have any recommendations for surgeons that treat third degree burns? I only ask for the fact that I’ve been absolutely ON FIRE as of late. Tis true, I’ve completed two fantasy drafts thus far, laying wood to the opposition like a meth’d out beaver. Unfortunately, I had to witness two people draft Jordy Nelson, AFTER the news came out that he tore his ACL. SMFH. Guy, guys, guys (and girls), Big Daddy Beddict expects more out of you, for I want you to experience the sweet taste of winning a multitude of fantasy football championships. Working under such boss hogs like Grey Albright and Jay Long has allowed me to suck on the teat of greatness for a few years now, and the milk from those glorious men now runs through my veins, flowing like the Nile river, which leaves me with a quarter chub at all time. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s confident walking around ass naked in the mens locker room. And it’s all because of my aforementioned heroes! I’m thinking I took one too many benzos for my neck pain, for I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Better get right to it!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Many of you were no doubt overwrought about my possible whereabouts this past week. Yes, slaying Kings in Canada can be quite dangerous, especially when considering the monstrous killer whales, man-flesh desiring grizzly bears, seals that will bite your dong off when you’re urinating off the bow of the boat, bald eagles that would […]

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Did you all enjoy that exhilarating Hall of Fame game as much as I did? Landry Jones looks about as valuable as Kim Kardashian before she so eloquently played the meat flute on camera. Seriously, preseason football is harder to watch than that Hulk Hogan sex tape, you know the one where he simultaneously drilled his best friend’s ex-wife AND managed to slip the “N” word out multiple times? Okay, enough about sex tapes. You’re not here to listen to me bash celebrities (or are you?). You’re here to get Beddict’s take on the TE position, a position that I must admit, I’m a little down on this season. Jimmy Graham has been traded away from a high-flying passing attack to a ground-and-pound system that is bound to disappoint. I’d say it’s akin to the falloff from season one of True Detective to season two.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! It’s not often that I deliver a double dose of Beddict, but when Jay calls for me, I come flying like an arrow shot by Robin Hood himself! Bullseye Muthaf*cka! By the way, I meant the Kevin Costner Robin Hood, not that flagrantly foul Russell Crowe garbage. Talk about disappointments! I was ridiculously jacked for that flick, but ended up staying up nights, sweating my nuts off, wondering what went wrong. Probably very much like what every night of Adrian Brody’s life has been like since he won an Oscar.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As happens regularly during the preseason, a player’s value can change dramatically. Unless you’re Mark Sanchez. Then your value remains always the same. But for all the other fantasy football players that will presumably be drafted, it’s inevitable that sh*t happens. Pretty much a good motto to live life by if you ask me. So as things like Arian Foster and groin muscles happen, so does the landscape change. Yes, the rankings are not static, and I do make minor edits every other day or so, but when a potential top-10 running back goes down for the foreseeable future, I do make broader changes. This will happen at least once a week (updated rankings, not Arian Foster throwing his groin muscle away. Actually, this might happen weekly too now that I think about it…) where I’ll be updating the rankings every Sunday night for your Monday morning consumption. Don’t worry, this isn’t to make you dizzy, like moving Donald Brown up 45 spots. (I mean, unless there’s some reason for him to get moved up. Like the apocalypse.) These changes will be based on reports coming out of training camps, especially when it comes to health and the player’s roles, basically anything that I feel shifts a player’s value. As an example, you will notice after the jump that Le’Veon Bell has already moved up to the number two spot in the running back rankings now that his suspension is confirmed at two games, and, of course, Arian Foster and Tom Brady have lowered due to their current issues. Be sure to stay up to date, and we’ll help you with your draft no matter if it’s in a few days or a few weeks.

Please, blog, may I have some more?