Greetings! Talk about a fun Week 1, eh! Well, that is unless you were drilled like a Kardashian sister at an after party during NBA All-Star weekend. Let me share something with you, something that comes from the bottom of my heart… the worst, and frankly ONLY negative that comes with this job is doling out what turns in to being horrid advice. My eyes bleed rain like the Niagara Falls when I go back through the comment section and see even ONE awful call. Knowing that I may have lost one reader, one Beddict supporter, is almost too much to bear. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s an emotional man-god. With that being said, there’s no job I could possibly enjoy more in the world than talking fantasy football and mildly entertaining the four of you who actually read my posts. It brings more joy to my life than licking it’s own butt hole does to a Doberman. Maybe I’m just extra emo this week, due to that excruciatingly disgusting Seahawks road loss, but I just wish everyone could win, because losing blows Mastodon you know what.
Anyways, now that week one is in the books and we have a better idea of how some of these players are going to be utilized, let’s bang out in Week 2, y’all!! My rankings are below and will be updated throughout the week as injury statuses are updated. I am Tehol Beddict, and this Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!
Players who will Delight
Carson Palmer –Â To put it bluntly, the Chicago Bears secondary is disgraceful, and that was evident on Sunday when Aaron Rodgers got surgical and dropped a 140.5 QBR on that ass, along with 3 touchdowns. The Packers also had Eddie Lacy to pound up in Bear guts. And you know what? The Cardinals just lost their best running back in Andre Ellington for a few weeks, leading me to believe they will throw it even more than usual. Which makes sense, you know, because the Bears have ZERO pass rush and the aforementioned pathetic secondary. I’d honestly be shocked if Palmer didn’t throw for 300 yards with multiple TD passes, making him a top-10 QB play this week. Ohhhhh, and I almost forgot that Chicago had the league’s 30th ranked pass defense in 2014…Â I should note, they added my boy, Antrelle Rolle, at safety, but it’s not going to be enough. Sorry, not sorry.
Colin Kaepernick – Speaking of wretched pass defenses, I can smell the rankness of the Pittsburgh Steelers all the way in Seattle. I mean, they made Tom Brady look like the greatest QB of all time (I suppose he could be… but he’s still a b*tch), WITH FULLY INFLATED balls, no less. Now, I understand that Kaepernick only threw for 165 yards this past week, but the Vikings pass defense is far superior to the Steelers, plus Hyde was destroying, BUT, Kaep did have 40-plus yards of his own on the ground, so I’m expecting him to do whatever he wants out there. Are you feelin Kaep’s new J-curl or nah?
Marshawn Lynch – With Big Momma Lynch calling the Seahawks offensive coordinator, Darrell Bevell, the worst play-caller in football, the whole nation will be glued to their TV sets for Sunday Night Football’s Packers vs. Seahawks matchup. What they’ll see is Beast Mode going hog wild on a Packers defense, who just got treated like Jared Fogle’s bunghole in gen-pop by Matt Forte last weekend. When considering the fact that Cam Chancellor’s trifling ass is sitting out yet another week, Seattle will want to keep the ball out of Aaron Rodgers hands as much as humanly possible, and the way to do that is by thrusting Beast Mode into those porous holes, obliterating what manhood they have left after they blew that NFC title game in Seattle last year.
Trent Dilfer – You cannot lose games in the NFL and still win… Yes, I’ve despised Trent Dilfer’s analysis since he took the place of my boy, Sean Salisbury (Who I got on Razzball podcast few years back by the way), hating on him every chance I get. I was watching the game with a friend of mine, just blasting Dilfer the entire time… and then… it happened: T-Diddy started raising the volume a bit, SCREAMING at his audience for what seemed like an eternity, and then dropping possibly the greatest line in announcing history in speaking on the 49ers offensive line: “Now all of these guys used to wear t-shirts in the pool as kids.” I kid you not, I was crying tears of joy of and relished his announcing for the rest of the game. Yes, Dilfer made up for being a draft bust and a terrible television analyst with one sentence and he now has a fan for life. Oh, and I almost forgot his partner in crime…
Chris Ivory –Â I had Ivory as a top 10 play last week, and he did not disappoint, scoring 2 touchdowns and helping me finish 50th overall out of 38,333 people in a DFS tourney. Thank you, thank you, Ya’ll are too kind! Anyway, the Jets have a great defense and the Colts could quite possibly be without T.Y. Hilton, forcing me to believe this will not be a Colts blowout, meaning that the Jets wont be forced to play from behind and can pound Ivory against what, in my opinion, is the softest defense in the NFL. Imagine the possibilities people! What does Ivory do with 25 carries on these bums? 150 yards? 200 yards? The Elder Gods have blessed us with an incredible matchup here. It’s our duty to strike hard, and strike true!
Brandin Cooks –Â Any of you witness the depansing of the Buccaneers defense by Kendall Wright last weekend? Ummmm, yea, Cooks is the same type of player and I fully expect him to make up for a minor let down in Arizona last weekend. Seriously I haven’t seen a group of men as soft as the ones on the Bucs defense since I helped my buddy shoot an obesity fetish porn titled, “Find a Fold and F*ck it.” The film never made it to video, but I keep it in the spank bank for emergencies.
Calvin Johnson –Â I like the Vikings secondary, but I’m going with a straight gut call that Calvin goes HAM and Eggs this week in the dome. He was virtually nonexistent agains the Chargers last week and if he drops another dud we may not be able to consider him a top 5 wideout any longer. Neither of these teams want to start out 0-2 but I still like the Lions weapons more and expect Calvin to receive double digit targets. Anything less would be a Calvin d!ckslap to the face, and a giant one at that. I’ve seen it.
Vernon Davis –Â Sure, Vern had more balls slip through his hands this past week than an anxiety ridden urologist, but, more importantly, he seems to have his speed and health back, making him again, one of the most dangerous tight ends in football. We all witnessed attempting to cover Gronk and you can bet the Niners coaching staff is preparing to test out if that weakness is still there, right out the gate.
Players who will Disgrace
Cam Newton –Â I truly feel awful for Cam, as he’s one of the realest in the NFL in my opinion, but with ZERO passing weapons, other than Greg Olsen, and with J.J. Watt and Clowney coming for his ass, I expect to see blood. Not out of his ass, but metaphorically. Â Tell me ya’ll saw Clown-dog setting the edge against the Chiefs last week? The man is truly Elder God blessed. This one should be a defensive battle all the way and I foresee another unexciting day for Newton.
Frank Gore –Â Soooooo, maybe signing all these old heads wasn’t the greatest of ideas, eh? Still to early to tell, but the Jets run defense is something to behold, even without their best D-lineman, Sheldon Richardson, and I expect Gore’s crusty ass to get jammed up all day long. Father time is undefeated and this senior citizen may have lost the skill set necessary to carry the ball 25 times a game.
DeAngelo Williams –Â See 49ers/Vikings replay for explantation. Don’t get cute.
Amari Cooper – With Matt McGloin looking like he couldn’t even make it in the CFL, and my man, Jimmy Smith, looking like a top 5 NFL corner in Baltimore, I fully expect Cooper to have a brutal day on the football field. Like, try watching Moulin Rouge 5 times in a row and not beat your head against your coffee table until you are no longer conscious. That’s the kind of suffering Cooper will be going through in week 2.
Owen Daniels – Everyone believed Daniels was the perfect fit for replacing Julius Thomas. Only one problem; He’s white, slow, old, and Peyton has never looked so horrendous in throwing the ball his whole career. I suppose that’s four things, but you catch my drift. After dropping 2 catches for 5 yards last week, and Denver needing to take advantage of their WR’s advantages over the Chiefs’ DBs, I don’t foresee Sir Owen being a huge part of the game plan…..Or maybe I’m just bitter I drafted him. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
P.S. Ever wonder what two guys who fell off on levels we’ve never really seen before, Nicolas Cage and Peyton Manning, would look like if you merged their faces? I’M IN TEARS!
And there you have it! Another Disgrace/Delight in the books and we’re just getting started! As per usual, your questions and comments will be responded to below as soon as see them there. As I mentioned earlier, these rankings will be updated throughout the week. Thank you for reading and have a wonderful week.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter at @Beddict143.
