Anti-Daxxers Get Their Day: Week 2 Fantasy Football Injury Report

Sometime in the year of our lord Twenty and Blackjack, Razzball’s esteemed podcaster BDon went public with the most heinous thought crime imaginable: he was an anti-Daxxer. He’s even got it in his Twitter profile. And he’s not limited to just Dak Prescott. He hates Dax Shephard. He hates Jadzia Dax. Don’t even get him started on Dakota Fanning. But now, with the great DP on the fantasy football shelf for the next couple months due to a hand injury, BDon has been swaggering around more than usual. Just the other day he posted in group chat a picture of a venti Latte! The nerve! 

I suppose we should talk about injuries, though, right? That’s what you’re here for: that good old-fashioned injury pr0n. 

Let’s get the formalities out of the way: 

1) I’m Not Adam Schefter: Sure, I have a personality that’s absolutely made for the internet, but I am not a full-time employee of the NFL or journalistic institution whose job it is to report up-to-the-minute injury status. I hear the mass exodus of readers clicking away right now. But wait! Hang around for a hot minute. All I’m saying: this article is written on Friday night for Saturday morning publication, and the NFL plays games Sundays at noon. If you want up-to-the-minute injury reports, please access those writers who get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars per year to star on ESPN and have locker room access and a rolodex of professional secret leakers.

2) I Am EverywhereBlair: This means you’re getting pretty good fantasy football advice based on injury reports. Is your star injured? I’ll tell you an alternate play. Don’t like that alternate play? Who am I, Tennessee Williams? 

3) NFL Teams Lie: Some teams purposefully obscure their injury reports. Is a player actually injured, or is the team just messing with their opponent’s preparation? For this fantasy football injury report, I’m assuming all NFL injury reports are truthful. 

For your quick reference, here are the players who are currently designated as OUT at the time of writing: 

If you want the best freaking auto-generated substitutions on these internets, please treat us like Starbucks and toss a couple venti lattes worth of currency our way for the Premium Fantasy Football Tools. You can write them off on your taxes. And by “write-off,” I mean, you’ll win so much money playing fantasy football that you’ll report it on your taxes. You do report your winnings on your taxes, don’t you? 

ENYWHEY. Let’s discuss the War of Attrition Week 2 of Fantasy Football!

D’Andre Swift: Swifties, unite with prayer power! [starts playing a Spotify playlist] I’ll be honest, I only know that Taylor Swift song where she sings about her breakup. You’ll never, ever, ever find a running back like D’Andre Swift. Much like a super senior, The Swifter skipped practice on Wednesday and Thursday and barely showed up Friday. You knew this coming into the season: Swift was gonna miss some games. Whatever. You prepped for this moment, right? [stares at Anakin Skywalker] Right? If Swift starts on Sunday, you’re starting him. You’re taking Swift up the mountain with a picnic lunch of a ’87 Cabernet and a shot of bourbon and putting your hand in his back pocket and staring at the snow that fell like whispers and not quitting him. If Swift is in bed on Sunday…doing Swift things…then you’re starting some schlub like Rex Burkhead or Jeff Wilson. Don’t yell at me if you don’t have a backup running back — I told you to draft some backups early. 

Alvin Kamara: Lemme just make this article easy for you and say that if your starter doesn’t start, you’re starting some other Rando McDando. Fantasy football is easy! Thank you and good night, please be kind to your waiter on the way out. Kamara’s dealing with some rib injuries, which is undoubtedly a great tie in for McDonalds’ fabled sandwich. “Struggling to breathe? Ingest the power of pork ribs and feel the homeopathic energy surge to your loins!” Whatever. After Jameis Winston put up a full Aaron Rodgers game in the 4th quarter alone last week, I doubt you cared much about Kamara anyway. Typical stuff: if Kamara plays, you start. If he sits, you find somebody else. Mark Ingram is also questionable but I can’t believe you wanted to start him in the first place. This is a blog about winning your fantasy league, not listing the depth chart. If you’re a DFS degenerate, give some extra exposure to Taysom Hill because he showed up as the surprising Saints RB1 last week anyway. 

Leonard Fournette: According to the elite NFL journalism performed at Heavy.com, Tom Brady had the following coherent things to say about his injured teammates: “It’s a lot like the game … it’s not like we can stop the game or anything. We’ve just got to do what we’ve got to do…”. Yeah, Tom. It is a lot like the game. Can’t stop won’t stop. Rudy’s got Rachaad White stepping up a bit more this week. I prefer to pronounce White’s name as an elongated “Chad,” what with them playing in Florida. Hopefully these Chads get counted properly. Typical boilerplate: start Lenny if healthy, consider White or Burkhead if he misses time. 

Michael Pittman: Classic did not practice through the week but coach says “He’s going!” on Sunday. Imagine you showed up to work limping and boss is like “Get into the mines, Frank!” Also, you’re a copper miner now. Congratulations on being a part of the housing market! Obviously, Parris Campbell gets some more play if Pittman is out, but let’s be honest: 200 yards of Jonathan Taylor is more likely. UPDATE: Pittman has been ruled out Saturday afternoon.

Tee Higgins: The NFL takes head trauma so seriously that Tee Higgins, who left last Sunday’s game due to a concussion, was a full participant in Friday’s practice and seems on track to start Sunday. Oh, bee-tee-dubya for those who never looked up the definition of a concussion, here’s the Mayo Clinic definition: “A concussion is a traumatic brain injury that affects your brain function. Effects are usually temporary but can include headaches and problems with concentration, memory, balance and coordination.” I wish the Mayo Clinic used an Oxford comma — would bring a lot of reputation to their organization. It’s your call whether to start Higgins in Week 2. I won’t judge. 

Allen Lazard: Still questionable for Week 2 after missing Week 1. How about them “Lazard leading the NFL in receiving yards” bet slips? A Rog looked like one of those cartoon wizards last week — you know, the ones who are filled with buffoonery, wild hair, and garish clothes. Could be the case that ARog is really set for podcast guest hosting — remember that backup QB Jordan Love finished the Week 1 game. Start Lazard if available, but otherwise pivot to a guy like Robert Tonyan Jr. 

George Kittle: The 49ers could use an infusion of Kitteh…I mean Kibbles and Bits…I mean, George Kittle, de facto WR1. I say WR1 because, after Elijah Mitchell’s injury, Deebo Samuel will probably become the gadget RB1 guy like he did last year. Trey Lance‘s prospects would improve greatly to have Kittle on the field, and GK is known for his gritty performances through injury. If Kittle starts, you start him as well. If he sits, you better pray to your Samuel that Deebo can carry the team. 

All right friends, family, well-wishers and people who accidentally arrived here from Google — it’s time to do some Week 2 winning. Catch Bobby LaMarco and friends before the games on Sunday by following the Razzball YouTube Channel. As always, feel free to drop me a line down in the comments with your own team questions, and I’ll do my best to not mess up your team.