If you’re in your fantasy championship and your opponent doesn’t own Alvin Kamara then consider it a very Harry Mistress. I mean Merry Christmas. If you are going up against Kamara then take that lump of coal out of your butt and get back to work, there’s still a glimmer of hope for a Christmas miracle. And if you’re in the championship and you own Kamara, then you won’t be getting any more holiday gifts for the next three years after unwrapping 22 carries for 155 yards with 3 catches for 17 yards and 6 touchdowns! SIX TOUCHDOWNS! Kamara now has 21 touchdowns on the season, not too shabby. Anyway, in this post I’ll go over Saturday’s questionable players to watch closely as well as some sneaky starts for this week, who just might be available in your free agent pool depending on how many players are rostered in your league. Plus, find my freshly updated week 16 rankings below!
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Week 16 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
December 23, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 68 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football (or Friday Night Football this week) predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Vikings (+7) at Saints
Forecast: Championship week is upon us and we have Christmas football! In Drew Brees looked more like Drew Carey in his return from 712 broken ribs last week. Remember The Drew Carey Show? It was brutal but one good thing came out of the terrible show: Diedrich Bader nailed his role as Oswald Lee Harvey, landing him the future role of Rex in Napoleon Dynamite. What does this have to do with Drew Brees? Nothing, but I still don’t expect him to be anywhere near 100% against the Vikings on Christmas Day. Fortunately, it sounds like the already weak Vikings defense–who got whooped by Trubisky and Da Bears last week–may be without their best player, linebacker Eric Kendricks, so Drew Carey just might be able to cover the seven point spread. Grab your jingle bells and jump on the Saints. Saints 30, Vikings 21
Wager: Saints -7 (4 Units)
2020 Season: 4-10 (-3.05 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 16 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Cincy Clocks Big Ben & The Steelers
December 22, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 22 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
There’s a common occurrence in golf which all avid golfers are familiar with. Here’s how it goes down: a golfer plays a horrific round of golf that they’d like to burn out of their memory like that time you caught your parents in a threesome with your neighbor Randy. Then, on the 18th hole, the golfer hits one of the purest, most beautiful shots of their life. The golf gods always keep you coming back for more. Monday night’s Steelers vs. Bengals game was the complete opposite of this golf phenomenon for many fantasy football owners who played a great season only to fall flat on their face on the next to last hole as Ben Roethlisberger forgot how to play football going 20/38 for 170 yards with 1 touchdown and 1 interception. Big Barf tried to drag the rest of the Steelers’ fantasy weapons down with him, but Diontae Johnson (8 catches for 59 yards and his 6th touchdown) and Benny Snell (18 carries for 84 yards, 3 catches for 23 yards and his 4th touchdown) were impervious as they mopped up the barf. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?It was only two hours before the show when Tony Pollard got the call. Ezekiel Elliott was indisposed. Zeke ate some questionable Mexican food on Saturday night and wouldn’t be able to venture too far from the toilet. Pollard came in, cool as Zeke’s baby wipes, handling 12 carries for 69 yards while snatching 6 catches for 63 yards and his 4th and 5th touchdowns. If Elliott’s still chained to the porcelain throne next week (it’s actually his calf and I expect he’s back) then Pollard would be a solid RB2 against the Eagles. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Fantasy Football Week 15: Sunday Primer
December 20, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football | 108 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Winter is coming. It’s semifinals week and the night is dark and full of terror. It’s time for you to grab you dragon glass dagger and slay your white walking dead opponent on you way to claiming the throne of Fantasy Football Champion. In this post I’ll go over questionable players to watch closely Sunday morning as well as some sneaky starts this week, who just might be available in your free agent pool depending on how many players are rostered in your league. Plus find my freshly updated week 15 rankings below!
Please, blog, may I have some more? Herbert Proves He Is The Mightiest Duck QB
December 18, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 37 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
If you aren’t familiar with the history between Justin Herbert and Marcus Mariota, I’ll clue you in on the story. Back in middle school the two NFL quarterbacks actually played on the same youth hockey team. It was a rag tag bunch of kids, coached by a down on his luck attorney with a drinking problem. That’s the plot to Mighty Ducks, Hebert and Mariota played college football for the Oregon Ducks, and not even at the same time. Alright, fine random italicized voice, you win. You always win. The point is, they’re both ducks! And one of these ducks quacked just a little louder on Thursday night: rookie Justin Herbert. The kid went off in primetime going 22/32 for 314 yards, 4 carries for 14 yards, 2 passing touchdowns and 1 rushing touchdown–he now has 27 passing touchdowns on the year, tying the all-time rookie record. Unfortunately, the quarterback he’s just tied isn’t a legend like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady, it’s Baker Mayfield. Wah, wah. It’s an impressive feat regardless, and Herbert still has two full games remaining. He’s going to be good for a long time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 15 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
December 17, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 55 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Chargers (+3.5) at Raiders
Forecast: This game’s all about Justin Herbert and his terrible hair cut. Or as Grey likes to call him after watching Hard Knocks, Doctor Hibbert. Hopefully we see Doctor Hibbert and not Doctor Nick who showed up two weeks ago against Belichick and the Patriots–that was straight malpractice. I’ve sent Herbert some hair implants so we should be getting another dose from the real doc. The only thing that can stop him now is if Darren Waller flips to linebacker. Mmmm I bet Waller would be a Hall of Fame linebacker. Chargers 27, Raiders 24
Wager: Chargers +3.5 (2 Units)
2020 Season: 3-10 (-5.05 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 15 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:
*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $5.99 for the rest of the season.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Whew! Someone towel me off. That was intense! Hold on a minute, I need to take a few more laps around the couch after that epic finish. I know what you’re all wondering: did Donkey win his Wizard Phallus playoff matchup and did he manage to advance to the RazzBowl championship bracket? Yes and yes–everything went great, thanks for asking! But enough about me, let’s talk about the most exciting football game of this crazy 2020 season. Lamar Jackson unleashed Thriller 2.0 by going 11/17 for 163 yards, 9 carries for 124 yards, 1 passing touchdown and 2 rushing touchdowns–he now has 18 passing touchdowns and 6 rushing touchdowns on the year and I told you he was a screaming buy for his great playoff schedule. But LJax also had some backup dancers who pitched in on the filming of the music video as J.K. Dobbins Macarena’d his way to 13 carries for 53 yards and his 5th touchdown and Gus Edwards Dougie’d his way to 7 carries for 49 yards, 1 catch for 4 yards and his 5th and 6th touchdowns. As a Dobbins fanboy, I don’t get Harbaugh’s obsession with Gus the Bus but I suppose if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. I haven’t dug in on all the week 15 matchups yet, but I anticipate ranking Dobbins as a solid RB2, Gus as a low end flex play and LJax as an elite QB1 against a soft Jaguars defense. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? T.Y. Finally Prospering Without Luck On His Side
December 14, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 15 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It’s been awhile since T.Y. Hilton had Luck on his side. 23 months to be exact. Andrew Luck played his final NFL game on January 27th, 2019. Since that day, Hilton has played a total of 22 games. In that stretch he’s posted only one game of 100+ receiving yards (last week) and four games of 80+ receiving yards. Over the past three weeks he’s gone off for 81, 110 and 86 receiving yards–that’s right, three his four 80+ receiving yardage games from the past two seasons have come in the last three games. The hot streak culminated this Sunday as Hilton snagged 5 catches for 86 yards and his 3rd and 4th touchdowns. You guessed it, all four of those touchdowns have come in the past three weeks. The tide has finally started to turn T.Y.’s way, just in time for him to bring you home that coveted Wizard Phallus Championship Trophy. Wait, your league doesn’t have a Wizard Phallus Championship Trophy? How bout phallic pins for each championship you’ve won, which are pinned to your champions jacket in the prestigious pre-draft pinning ceremony? No? Well, I’m sure your championship will still be satisfying–almost as satisfying as my second penis pin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Fantasy Football Week 14: Sunday Primer
December 13, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Injury Report, Weekly Rankings | 88 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Hey Razzballers!
I’m stepping in on the Sunday Primer for the fantasy playoffs. In this post I’ll go over questionable players to keep an eye on Sunday morning as well as some sneaky starts this week, who just might be available in your free agent pool depending on how many players are rostered in your league. Plus find my freshly updated week 14 rankings below!
Please, blog, may I have some more? It Was The Best Of Cams, It Was The Worst Of Cams
December 11, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 25 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It was the best of Cams, it was the worst of Cams, it was the age of Akers wisdom, it was the age of Newton foolishness, it was the epoch of Akers belief, it was the epoch of Newton incredulity, it was the season of Akers Light, it was the season of Newton Darkness, it was the spring of Akers hope, it was the winter of Newton despair. It was certainly the spring of hope for Cam Akers’ owners Thursday night as the rook toted 29 carries for 171 yards and hauled in 2 catches for 23 yards. We speculated last week that Akers was taking the Rams’ backfield by the horns but even I didn’t expect the kid to out touch Darrell Henderson (2 carries for 5 yards) 31-2. Neither did the brilliant Pigskinonator, who was extra bullish on Akers this week ranking him #14 among RBs compared to the expert consensus of #25, but only projected him for 15 touches. The L.A. runner just might be a league winning RB1 down the stretch, at the very least he looks like a rock solid RB2.
Unfortunately, it was the winter of despair for Cam Newton owners as the “quarterback” went 9/16 for 119 yards, 7 carries for 16 yards and 1 interception before being bench for Jarett Stidham (5/7 for 27 yards). This game scared the Dickens out of anyone who happened to make the unwise decision to start Newton in their playoff matchup. Odds are this is Stidham’s team for the final three weeks. Add him up in superflex league and ignore him everywhere else. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 14 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
December 10, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 66 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Patriots (+6) at Rams
Forecast: I was walking down the street the other day eating a falafel pita wrap when I ran into none other than Bill Belichick taking his pooch for walk. To my surprise, Bill stopped me and told me eat Subway instead. I argued with him about the nutritional value in a Subway sub–they’re bread can no longer be legally called “bread” in Ireland. Then Bill suddenly cut the sleeves off my best dress shirt and whispered into my ear, “Bet on us to cover Thursday night and don’t start any of our running backs, ever.” He was gone as quickly as he appeared. It was a surreal experience. And who am I to go against sweatshirt Bill and his trusty dog? Patriots 27, Rams 20
Wager: Patriots +6 (4 Units)
2020 Season: 3-9 (-0.65 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 14 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:
*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $5.99 for the rest of the season.
Please, blog, may I have some more?