March 15th, 2021—a day that will live in infamy—the United States National Football League was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the empire of New England. The NFL was at peace with that franchise after the Patriots brought in the ghost of Cam Newton to lead the team into the 2020 gutter with a record of 7-9. Bill Belichick and his prized pooch weren’t messing around as free agency kicked off on Monday. As of this writing, the evil empire has signed four defensive players, two tight ends and two wide receivers in a weak whimper of a response to Tom Brady’s first non-Patriot Super Bowl ring. Jonnu Smith was the first signing of fantasy interest to be reported, but the excitement didn’t last long as less than 24-hours later New England inked a second free agent tight end in Hunter Henry. Will the Henry/Smith tandem be the new Gronk/Hernandez? I’ve heard rumors that Jonnu likes to party and Henry hangs around in some sketchy circles, so maybe that’s the comp. But for fantasy purposes my excitement level couldn’t get much lower. I take that back: Belichick just signed Kendrick Bourne and Nelson Agholor. Yuck. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this past week for 2021 fantasy football:
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I’ve spent the last three weeks investing my life savings in NBA Top Shots. Then, once the life savings were all gone, I started taking out loans to buy more cryptographic digital basketball highlights. Now the credit has been maxed and the house is triple-mortgages, I’m back to writing fantasy football articles for pennies on the dollar; if I write 1,000 articles I’ll be able to afford a Jakob Poetl moment! So when Heath Cummings of CBS invited me to a dynasty startup mock draft I thought, “Hey, sure, I can write an article about that and get 1/1,000th of the way to a Poetl.” So it was all systems go for this 12-team PPR dynasty startup mock draft, see the full results here. Anyway, here’s the team I came away with:
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Top 20 Wide Receivers for 2020 Fantasy Football, a Recap
February 18, 2021 | Fantasy Football Rankings |by: Donkey Teeth
It’s negative 19 degrees outside, your power has been out for three days and you’re wearing every piece of clothing you own while burning the last of your Hustler magazine collection in the middle of your living room floor for warmth. Thank goodness you have 8% battery left on your cell phone, just enough to pull up your fourteenth favorite fantasy football site and read about last year’s top 20 wide receivers. In this series I’m going over the top players at each position, listed in order of how many total fantasy points they actually scored this season in half PPR leagues. This is not a ranking for 2021 fantasy football. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A RANKING FOR 2021! I’ve already gone over the final 2020 fantasy football rankings for QBs and RBs, if your phone has enough battery left then give them a glance. Anyway, here’s the top 20 wide receivers for 2020 fantasy football and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Top 20 Running Backs for 2020 Fantasy Football, a Recap
February 15, 2021 | Fantasy Football Rankings |by: Donkey Teeth
A couple weeks back I gave you the recap of top 20 quarterbacks for 2020 fantasy football. Turns out, I was more than proficient at ranking QBs this year. At least I can tell my lady I was proficient at something in 2020. Alright, you got me, the lady’s actually Kerryon Johnson and I’ll have to communicate with him from at least 500 feet. After digging through the QBs I began to look at the year end running back rankings, comparing them to my preseason rankings. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t pretty. Of course, we all missed at the top with Christian McCaffrey, Saquon Barkley and Ezekiel Elliott. Even if I give myself a pass at the top end, it wasn’t good. I blame that whole pandemic thing. You may have deduced it from the title: in this series I’m going over the top players at each position, listed in order of how many fantasy points they actually scored this season. This is not a ranking for 2021 fantasy football. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A RANKING FOR 2021! Anyway, here’s the top 20 running backs for 2020 fantasy football and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Top 20 Quarterbacks for 2020 Fantasy Football, a Recap
January 26, 2021 | Fantasy Football Rankings | 3 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
That’s a wrap folks! Another very normal, nothing out of the ordinary season of fantasy football in the books. I mean, other than that whole flesh eating virus and the record number of touchdowns scored. The virus doesn’t eat flesh. What are you an epidemiologist now, random italicized voice? Well there actually were a record number of touchdowns scored in 2020. Maybe it was because the lack of preseason put defenses at a severe disadvantage, maybe it was because no fans make it much easier for road teams to score, or maybe it was because of the Russians. Regardless, fantasy quarterbacks (and running backs and wide receivers) put up some ridiculous numbers this season. In this series I’ll be going over the top players at each position, listed in order of how many fantasy points they actually scored this season. This is not a ranking for 2021 fantasy football. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A RANKING FOR 2021! Anyway, here’s the top 20 quarterbacks for 2020 fantasy football and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Running Back Free Agents for 2021 Fantasy Football
January 13, 2021 | 2021 Fantasy Football | 4 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Last summer NFL teams were dishing out new contracts to running backs like the United States government giving away free money to the indispensable, too-big-to-fail, cruise lines. The year after Zeke hit the Jerrypot with a 7 bajillion dollar contract, Christian McCaffrey, Alvin Kamara and Dalvin Cook each received upwards of 10 Bitcoin. Unfortunately, there were a couple stud backs whose team’s treated them more like the government has treated failing small businesses. Will these hard luck incumbents return or will they be in search of another source of crypto this off season? And if the incumbents are voted out of their backfields, what should we expect from the new regime? I’m glad you ask, here’s the top free agent running backs for 2021 fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Top 100 Keepers for 2021 Fantasy Football
January 8, 2021 | 2021 Fantasy Football | 17 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
This year we’re playing for keeps! For the six of you readers who haven’t already scrolled hastily down to the list, there’s a few matters to clarify regarding keeper leagues, dynasty leagues, rankings for both, and my neighbor, Bucky. Over the past month I gave you my early top 10 and top 20 rankings for 2021 dynasty leagues as well as my top 25 rankings for superflex dynasty leagues. It’s important to note that those rankings are intended for full fledged dynasty leagues where you retain your entire roster from year to year. In dynasty formats, the career longevity of both wide receivers and quarterbacks needs to be reflected in valuations along with the short shelf life of the running back position.
The keeper league rankings below are designed to reflect player valuations in leagues where you retain only a portion of your roster—maybe only one play even. These rankings assume all players have an equal cost associated with keeping them, if any. Of course, most keeper leagues have their own quirks like my neighbor Bucky who thinks the dinosaurs never existed and their bones were planted across the earth by visiting alien lizards. Nice guy, Bucky. Crazier than a juggling monkey on a unicycle, but really nice guy. Bucky aside, if you want some input regarding your specific keeper rules and options then feel free to hit me in the comments. Anyway, here’s an early look at the top 100 keepers for 2021 fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?As they counted down the ball drop in Times Square this year, I sat at home alone—balls of my own in hand—contemplating whether I’d rather own Justin Herbert or Tyreek Hill in a dynasty league which allows me to start two quarterbacks. As I slurped Champagne out of a bowl (I broke every glass in my house when all of my fantasy teams lost in week 15), all of the answers came to me in a rush of drug induced clarity. I began scribbling names down on napkins like some mix of Russell Crow in A Beautiful Mind and Charlie from It’s Always Sunny. Below you’ll find the superflex dynasty answer key I compiled on that fateful New Year’s Eve. I already went over all on the non-quarterbacks on this list over the past couple weeks when I gave you my top 10 and top 20 dynasty rankings for 2021 fantasy football 1-QB leagues. So if you’re interested in my convoluted thoughts on those players then click the links that litter this entire list! Anyway, here’s the top 25 superflex dynasty rankings for 2021 fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Fantasy Football Week 17: Sunday Primer
January 3, 2021 | 2021 Fantasy Football | 6 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
There’s no shortage of news to digest for all you week 17 championship seekers out there. If you enjoy chaos and a championship matchup completely detached from the previous 16 weeks then you’re going to love this week! It kind of reminds me of way back in the year 2020 when there was a surprise around every corner. On top of the normal week 17 chaos of elite fantasy players being rested (See: Mahomes, Kelce, Hill and maybe even the Bills) and players who might have played had their games held any meaning (See: Dalvin Cook, Miles Sanders and Keenan Allen), we also have the added COVID madness with Alvin Kamara, Latavius Murray and Cooper Kupp all missing. While I don’t approve of week 17 championships, I’m still here for you friends. Below you’ll find the Sunday morning injury report, some sneaky week 17 starting options and my updated week 17 rankings. Go forth and start the year 2021 right by bringing home all of the fantasy glory!
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 17 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
December 30, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 18 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Week 17 has arrived and you should be off on a romantic getaway with your freshly consummated fantasy football championship trophy. But your stubborn leaguemates insist on playing out your championship in week 17 because there was a flat earth convention during week 16 and they wanted to dedicate full attention to championship week. Now you’re scouring the internet for week 17 fantasy football rankings, but all your favorite analysts are already off on romantic getaways with their new fantasy championship trophies. Fear not! Razzball is here for all you poor week 17 fantasy football suffering souls. Although, if you invested heavily in Chiefs players then you should probably fear a little. Anyway, here’s some fantasy football rankings to lead you to your week 17 fantasy football championship:
Please, blog, may I have some more?So you just reached the pinnacle of your existence by winning your fantasy football championship, now what? First, finish that pile of celebratory drugs, then slip your pants back on and put the Jergens away. Now it’s time to get back to work, with an eye toward 2021. A couple weeks have passed since I shocked the world with my top 10 dynasty rankings for 2021 fantasy football. December 4th, 2020 is a date which will live in infamy. The date when Donkey Teeth declared D.K. Metcalf as the top dynasty asset in all the land and then took his first shower in three months.
This year I brought in a ringer to keep me in check: Pat Fitzmaurice. Pat is currently sitting at #1 (out of 160 experts) in this year’s FantasyPros’ Ranking Accuracy Competition, he also finished #2 (out of 162 experts) in FP’s Draft Ranking Accuracy Competition in 2019 and he holds the title of #1 most accurate draft ranker from 2017-2019. In short, the man is a fantasy football ranking sorcerer and he was kind enough to record a YouTube show with me discussing each of our top 10s—subscribe and give us a like if you don’t hate it. Full disclosure: I haven’t had a professional haircut since February. Anyway, here’s that show, followed by my top 20 dynasty rankings for 2021 fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Fantasy Football Week 16: Sunday Primer & The Brady Brunch
December 27, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football | 42 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
The day following Christmas is celebrated across Canada as Boxing Day. Each year Tom Brady, a secret Canadian spy, celebrates Boxing Day with an extravagant brunch with all of his favorite football bros–for the first time in a decade Julian Edelman didn’t receive an invite. This year Brady was slinging omelets all over the place, going 22/27 for 348 yards and 4 touchdowns–he now has 36 passing touchdowns on the year–in only one half of football due to blowout circumstances. Rob Gronkowski (2 catches for 28 yards and his 6th and 7th touchdowns) and Mike Evans (10 catches for 181 yards and his 12th and 13th touchdowns) showed up early to the feast, devouring all of the bacon. Chris Godwin (5 catches for 84 yards and his 5th touchdown) got to the party a little later to collect some of the scraps and Leonard Fournette (9 carries for 34 yards, 3 catches for 32 yards and his 6th touchdown) popped in for a brief appearance before ducking out early to score some shopping deals–Boxing Day is a big shopping holiday ya know. Even Antonio Brown (4 catches for 35 yards and his 2nd touchdown) was able to screw his head on long enough to grab himself a Belgian waffle. Anyway, in this post I’ll go over questionable players to watch closely Sunday as well as some sneaky starts this week, who just might be available in your free agent pool depending on how many players are rostered in your league. Plus find my freshly updated week 16 rankings below. Good luck in your fantasy championship pursuits!
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