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Donkey Teeth

Author: Donkey Teeth

Read some of Donkey Teeth's 333 posts

Donkey Teeth

Josh Jacobs Jinglehammers the Panthers

September 14, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 67 Comments

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Saturday was a momentus day for NFL contract extensions. It was like a scene from The Oprah Winfrey Show. You get a new contract! You get a new contract! And you, Mr. Fournette, get a signed copy of Oprah’s new book Journey to Beloved! Free money giveaway for everyone but Leonard! It all really started last summer when Jerry Jones bent over and gave Zeke his 30 year, 10 billion dollar contract, completely resetting the fair market value for NFL running backs.

Christian McCaffrey was quick to cash in back in April, followed recently by Joe Mixon, Dalvin Cook and now Alvin Kamara. Rams’ wide receiver Cooper Kupp dipped his paw into the honey pot too, signing a three-year 48 million dollar extension on Saturday. Heck, I even decided to hold out over the weekend and Razzball agreed to meet all of my contract demands by giving me one Chipotle burrito—WITH guac. Now we have another running back who’s sure to want a new contract: Josh Jacobs took 25 carries for 93 yards, 4 catches for 46 yards and 3 touchdowns in the newly minted Vegas Raiders’ opener. By my math, that’s worth at least 800 billion dollars. The legendary Rudy Gamble Pigskinonator (only $17.99 for the entire season) projected Jacobs as the #4 fantasy running back this week, smart bot. Sign up for a 7 day free trial now! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Kenny Goes On Golladay

September 12, 2020 | Fantasy Football Injury Report | 39 Comments

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Did you see what’s going on out in San Francisco? I’m sure you’ve seen, it’s a pretty big story; that crazy pandemic sex party involving 8 emus, 2 wild boars, a bunch of “little people” and a fountain of semen. True story. Oh, and the whole surrounding bay area is on fire causing extremely poor air quality which has put the Cardinals and 49ers game in jeopardy of being postponed. Besides the tragedy of people’s homes burning down, I also own Kyler Murray on 49 of my 50 fantasy teams. So I’m not crazy about this developing story. I mean the fires story, the sex party stuff was actually kind of intriguing. So stay safe if you’re out west and keep tabs on the status of the Cardinals/49ers game if you own any of their players. And if you end up needing help finding last minute replacements, my week one fantasy football rankings will continue to be updated all the way up until Sunday kickoff. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Clyde Edwards Makes Houston D Look Helairious

September 11, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 33 Comments

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I went to the doctor yesterday to request a procedure. No, not an enlargement, those are apparently on hold until post-pandemic. I was there to see if my doc would inject the Thursday night Texans vs. Chiefs game directly into my veins; I wasn’t sure if ocular consumption would be enough to tide my cravings until Sunday afternoon. You wouldn’t believe how rude the women at the front desk was to me. Here’s a direct quote, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s! Please stop talking to the Dr. Pepper dispenser and put your clothes back on!” Hey, lady, how bout a little compassion for an addict?!

Speaking of compassion, Clyde Edwards-Helaire had none of it for the Texans in the season opener. The hyped up rookie gashed the Houston defense by taking 25 carries for 138 yards and a touchdown. Granted there were times when it seemed the Texans had only 3-men in the box and Clyde didn’t impress at the goal line, but even Edwards-Helaire haters have to admit he looked great otherwise. And the Mahomes led offense will yield plenty of light boxes throughout the season. I ranked CEH #11 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings, and looking to the rest of the season, I’d bump him up to #5 or 6 after this impressive week one workload. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Donkey Teeth’s Week 1 Football Rankings

September 9, 2020 | Fantasy Football Rankings, Weekly Rankings | 45 Comments

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I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

ESPN’s 2020 Fantasy Football Draft Rankings: A Review for Stu

September 6, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Rankings | 68 Comments

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Remember when the news was actually legitimate news instead of a constant stream of propaganda and fear porn? Nah, me neither. But I do remember watching old school ESPN SportsCenter. The GOAT Stuart Scott (RIP) had catchphrases for days:

“Cool as the other side of the pillow!”

“Holla at a playa when you see him in the street!”

“It’s your world, kid … The rest of us are still paying rent”

“They Call Him the Windex Man ‘Cause He’s Always Cleaning the Glass”

My personal favorite was when Kenny Mayne busted out his classic, “Bring the finest meats and cheeses in all the land!” Ahhhh, simpler times when we didn’t have to wear underwear on our face or keep tabs on protests and “counter protests.” Alas, the good ole days of Stew yelling “Booya!” and “Holla!” are a thing of the past. And while a new more enlightened world may be on the horizon, ESPN’s draft rankings have no place in that world. Anyway, here’s a chart of the biggest values from ESPN to me (Booya!) and the players that ESPN overrates (You Ain’t Gotta Go Home, But You Gotta Get The Heck Outta Here) compared to my 2020 fantasy football rankings:

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to Rudy’s in season tools it’s only $17.99 for the entire season! 

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Donkey’s Advocate: Kareem Hunt, Gardner Minshew and Cam Akers

September 5, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Donkey's Advocate, Razzball Podcast | 5 Comments

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The innovation machine never stops here at Razzball. Except for that one time when I tried to use it to heat up some leftover pizza. What a disaster that was! In the modern world of pandemics, riots and keto diets, we know it can be hard to find time to listen to 30-60 minute fantasy football shows. Oh, there’s a squirrel! Sorry, what was I talking about? Right, we’ve created a short-form video series for those of us with the attention span of a puppy. On Donkey’s Advocate, I’ll be bringing on many of the top fantasy football industry experts to sell me on one of their favorite 2020 fantasy football draft targets while I play devil’s donkey’s advocate. All of this will take place in a two minute rapid fire segment. In this week’s batch I was joined by Heath Cummings, Scott Pianowski and Danny Kelly to discuss Kareem Hunt, Gardner Minshew and Cam Akers:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Sleepers for 2020 Fantasy Football

September 4, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Sleeper | 41 Comments

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Yawn. Just woke up. Great nap, I’m a sound sleeper. I was dreaming of rubbing lotion on Kerryon’s Johnson and drafting D.K. Metcalf and Marquise Brown in the 10th round of my home league fantasy draft. 15-20 years ago that type of bargain might have been possible on stud second year wide receivers like Hollywood and D.K., but in the modern world of social unrest and social media it’s rare to find a player who isn’t being touted by a least a two dozen fantasy analysts. The fantasy football market has become more efficient than Wall Street. So why are we still using the term “sleeper” when the crowd is already woke to these players in the year 2020? The same reason I’m including the terms hot chicks, sexy teens, large boobs and bukkake in this post. Search engine optimization of course! 

As long as people still use the term bukkake sleeper, we’ll still write about them. But in 2020 a sleeper is no longer a completely unknown player. It’s become more of a broad term used to describe a mid-to-late round draft target believed to be significantly undervalued. Or at least that’s what the term means to me, don’t ask me how Captain Obvious over at ESPN is using it. Anyway, here’s a list of my top sleepers for 2020 fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Lynyrd Bucynyr’d

September 3, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 16 Comments

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By now you’ve heard how the saga of Lynyrd Jagyr’d came to an end in a fiery plane crash. Very sad. But out of the flames a new hope is born. I can now stop feverishly refreshing my Twitter feed for Leonard Fournette news like an addict searching for one last crack rock under the couch. Fournette has signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, agreeing to a one-year 2 million dollar contract with another 1.5 million in possible incentives. That’s not Bitcoin Cash, it’s real money. You can bet your crypto that Fournette will have a serious role in this exciting Tampa offense. 

In Jacksonville Fournette faced a stacked box (8+ defenders loaded in the box) over 30% of the time each of the last three seasons. Derrick Henry is the only other back to garner such defensive attention since Fournette’s rookie season. Leo will now benefit from a balanced offense with a high powered passing game to keep defenses in check while yielding tons more red zone opportunities. And in 2019 Fournette showed off his impressive hands catching 76 passes; if we learned anything from Brady’s two decades in New England it’s 1) he isn’t above “bending” the rules and 2) he targets his running backs more than anyone. 

All this adds up to Fournette shooting back up my 2020 fantasy football rankings, all the way to #27 overall (in PPR). I’ve aggressively projected him for 200 carries, 800 rushing yards, 50 receptions, 350 receiving yards and 8 total touchdowns in 13 games. While I am crazy bullish on Fournette, make no mistake, there’s some risk that I’m over estimating his workload and this ends up more of an even split committee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 250 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football

September 2, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Dynasty League Rankings, Fantasy Football Rankings | 31 Comments

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After the Lions drafted D’Andre Swift in the second round of the 2020 NFL Draft, I retreated into solitude to ponder worldly existence and the future of my forbidden relationship with Kerryon Johnson. On the 69th day of silent meditation in a remote Himalayan cave, a six-eyed pigeon appeared to me from thin air. The mysterious fowl pooped on my bed of Scooby Snack and Pop Tart wrappers before vanishing as quickly as it had appeared. The message was clear, it was time to return to the material world and compile my 2020 redraft fantasy football rankings; the angry mob of Reddit haters wouldn’t wait around forever. And so I wrote. Position by position, projection after projection, Johnson upon Johnson, until the rankings were complete and the Fantasy Pigeon God was satisfied. Only then would I return to my top 250 dynasty rankings which had grown woefully out of date—Kerryon was far too low, not to mention the shameful Saucy Boi Preston Williams disrespect. Anyway, it’s all been rectified now, here’s my updated top 250 PPR dynasty rankings:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Donkey’s Advocate: D’Andre Swift, Jordan Howard and Marquise Brown

August 27, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Donkey's Advocate, Razzball Podcast | 23 Comments

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The innovation machine never stops here at Razzball. Except for that one time when I tried to use it to heat up some leftover pizza. What a disaster that was! In the modern world of pandemics, riots and keto diets, we know it can be hard to find time to listen to 30-60 minute fantasy football shows. Oh, there’s a squirrel! Sorry, what was I talking about? Right, we’ve created a short-form video series for those of us with the attention span of a puppy. On Donkey’s Advocate, I’ll be bringing on many of the top fantasy football industry experts to sell me on one of their favorite 2020 fantasy football draft targets while I play devil’s donkey’s advocate. All of this will take place in a two minute rapid fire segment. In this week’s batch I was joined by Andy Behrens, Nando Di Fino and Jeff Erickson to discuss D’Andre Swift, Jordan Howard and Marquise Brown:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Top 200 for 2020 Fantasy Football

August 25, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Rankings | 21 Comments

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Training camp is now in full gear, and if you’ve watched any of Hard Knocks then you know the NFL is taking COVID-19 very seriously, allocating more resources to team health and safety than I allocate to searching the internet for shirtless pictures of my favorite players; that’s a lot of resources. And you also know that Jalen Ramsey is touring some very creepy L.A. homes and Sean McVay’s transformation into a Jon Gruden clone grows stronger by the day. But most importantly, how great does Austin Ekeler look without a shirt on?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Donkey Teeth

Donkey’s Advocate: T.J. Hockenson, D.K. Metcalf & Raheem Mostert

August 20, 2020 | Donkey's Advocate, Fantasy Football Podcast | 22 Comments

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The innovation machine never stops here at Razzball. Except for that one time when I tried to use it to heat up some leftover pizza. What a disaster that was! In the modern world of pandemics, riots and keto diets, we know it can be hard to find time to listen to 30-60 minute fantasy football shows. Oh, there’s a squirrel! Sorry, what was I talking about? Right, we’ve created a short-form video series for those of us with the attention span of a puppy. On Donkey’s Advocate, I’ll be bringing on many of the top fantasy football industry experts to sell me on one of their favorite 2020 fantasy football draft targets while I play devil’s donkey’s advocate. All of this will take place in a two minute rapid fire segment. In this week’s batch I was joined by Jake Ciely, Scott Engel and Bob Lung to discuss T.J. Hockenson, D.K. Metcalf and Raheem Mostert:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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