I’m finally out of the closet. I was hoping to come out on my own one day, but Everywhere Blair spilt the beans in his Sunday Fantasy Football Roundup this weekend. It’s all true, I’m a former Kart Across America Champion. But the days of cruising to victory in my Princess Peace costume are long gone. Now I’m left sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon at the Black Jack Inn in Tahoe, donning a soiled Wario costume while reminiscing on the golden years. Fortunately, the Black Jack Inn’s one black and white TV was playing Monday night’s Falcons vs. Packers game so I was able to catch a glimpse of Packers tight end Robert Tonyan hitting the Falcons defense over the head with a Tonyan of bricks. This got me to thinking about the changing of the guard. Five years ago I never thought that little person in a Toad costume with all the bananas would overtake me as Kart Across America Champion. Could Tonyan be the chosen one to dethrone Travis Kelce (3 catches for 70 yards) as the top tight end? You’re right, I’ve had waaaay too many of these PBRs. But the Packers big man did explode for 6 catches for 98 yards and his 3rd, 4th and 5th touchdowns in Monday night’s win. With Aaron Rodgers (27/33 for 327 yards and 4 touchdowns–he now has 13 on the year) playing arguably the best football of his life, Allen Lazard (core injury) out for the foreseeable future and Davante Adams (hamstring) hobbled, Tonyan might end up being more Donkey Kong than Bowser–that’s a good thing, obviously. Consider the big man a top 10 fantasy tight end, at least in the short term. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Gordon > Gore + Darn
October 2, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 70 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Thursday’s thrilling Broncos/Jets matchup was overshadowed by the unfortunate COVID developments in Tennessee which have resulted in the postponement of Sunday’s Titans’ game against the Steelers. This Titans fiasco got me thinking about a picture I snapped during the NFL Draft back in April:
Take your time, there’s a lot to digest in this shot. Someone in this picture has to be responsible for the viral outbreak in Tennessee this week, right? Vrabel’s spandex-hooded son and Joe-Dirt-mullet son are solid candidates, just look at those two goons. And Vrabel himself can’t be counted out either based on the offspring he produced. But the odds on favorite has to be the dude on the crapper in the back left corner—that guy’s up to no good. Where is he pooping? Is that even a toilet? Alas, one player who didn’t take a dump during Thursday night’s game was Melvin Gordon who handled 23 carries for 107 yards, 2 catches for 11 yards and his 3rd and 4th touchdowns. Pigskinonator was all over this one, ranking Gordon as it’s #9 RB this week. Now might be a decent time to sell Gordon since Phillip Lindsay (toe) may be ready to swoop in and steal half the carries in week 5. Don’t forget, we have a free trade analyzer to help you brainstorm deals and dominate your league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 4 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
October 1, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 32 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Denver Broncos (-3) at New York Jets
Forecast: I didn’t think primetime could get much more exciting coming off the Chiefs at Ravens Monday night slugfest to cap off week 3, but the NFL has a real treat in store for us to begin week 4. Broncos at Jets is objectively the most anticipated game of the 2020 season. The story of the first half will be superstar QB Jeff Driskell leading the Broncos to a seemingly insurmountable halftime lead of 7-0. But in a move that surprises absolutely no one, Adam Gase will be fired at halftime, injecting new life into the hapless Jets squad. With Gase out of the picture, Frank Gore will be named player/coach for the remainder of the season. Coach Gore will call his own number 30 times in the second half as he tramples the Von Miller-less Broncos defense for 220 yards and 2 touchdowns. Jets 17, Broncos 7
Wager: Jets +3 (0.5 Units)
2020 Season: 0-3 (-3.3 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 4 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Mahomes Turns Baltimore D Into Raven Lunatics
September 28, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 53 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Did anyone else have a case of the pandemic Mondays this week? Mine was brutal. I slept until around noon before feasting on a bowl of Lucky Charms with chocolate chips and whipped cream—don’t worry I had a nice big glass of cucumber, kale and celery juice too. Then, after the insulin injection, it was off to the couch for my early afternoon nap where I dreamt of a shirtless photo shoot with Russell Wilson, Tyler Lockett and D.K. Metcalf. I woke up just in time to inhale my Monday evening nachos and watch an episode of Game of Thrones before the Chiefs/Ravens game. Unfortunately for Baltimore, the Ravens defense never woke up from their own Monday afternoon nap; they looked like White Walkers out on the field as Patrick Mahomes went all Arya Stark on them with a line of 31/42 for 385 yards, 4 carries for 26 yards, 4 passing touchdowns and his 1st rushing touchdown—he now has 9 passing touchdowns on the year. Those who were thinking about dropping Mahomie below #2 in their rest of season QB rankings might want to reconsider. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Game of Thrones Spoiler Alert for this round up, fair warning!
Please, blog, may I have some more? Jefferson Moves On Up
September 28, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 33 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It’s week three of the NFL season and you know what that means: annoying pumpkin latte commercials, my crazy neighbor putting up Christmas lights and your entire fantasy football team’s hurt. Trust me, I feel your pain. I had to start the dog from Air Bud in several leagues this week; and he was my top scoring player in all of those leagues except one. That’s only because I was forced to start Vikings rookie wide receiver Justin Jefferson on my Scott Fish Bowl team and he exploded for 7 catches for 175 yards and his 1st career touchdown. Jefferson single handedly put my whole stupid injured team on his back (don’t worry, they were wearing masks) and carried us to a week 3 victory. The Vikes’ youngster is owned in only 30% of Yahoo leagues and while there’s bound to be ups and downs, like with any rookie, Jefferson could turn out to be last year’s A.J. Brown. If you need receiving help, add him now and see if he can make a habit of these big performances. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Miami Offense & Defense Give Jacksonville Fitz
September 25, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 57 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It’s the age old question. Pondered by all the great philosophers for millennia. Debated by all great leaders and all feared dictators since the beginning of time. Beard or mustache? Abe Lincoln or Tom Selleck? Grizzly Adams or Groucho Marx? Gandalf or Ron Swanson? Merlin or Ron Burgundy? This enigmatic dispute has built for ages with no sign of a clear answer. That is, until Thursday night’s legendary culmination of Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Gardner Minshew: a Beard vs. Mustache rumpus to rule them all. And it was nothing but beard in this one as Ryan Fitzpatrick flashed his facial prowess at a clip of 18/20 for 160 yards, 7 carries for 38 yards and 2 passing touchdowns—he now has 4 touchdowns on the season. The virtual fan chants for Tua and his baby face goatee will have to wait another week. Many will question whether this was a valid win for the beard crowd, citing the illegal use of Fitzmagic in this contest—and rightfully so. Unfortunately, we may never have a definitive answer to the greatest question in the history of mankind. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 3 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
September 24, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 105 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Miami Dolphins (+3) at Jacksonville Jaguars
Forecast: Dolphins at Jaguars, Fitzmagic at Minshew Magic, beard at moustache, it doesn’t get much better than this folks! Obviously this game will be all about Uncle Rico Minshew. His swag will cast a shadow so big on Thursday night that no other player will even be seen other than maybe Saucy Boi Preston Williams—who happens to be my favorite buy-low wide receiver target following weeks 1 and 2. But back to Minshew Mania: the Jock Strap King will arrive at the stadium 10 minutes before game time wearing nothing but a leopard print jock. Without any stretching or warm up throws, the mustachio’d one with lead the Jaguars on a 69 yard touchdown drive on the opening series. It’ll be all mustache from there except for a series he’ll take off after halftime while recording a track for his new album—see below. So jump on that sweet stache and ride it all the way to a Thursday night victory!
Please, blog, may I have some more? Raiders Dodge The Saints Chasing The Almighty Waller
September 22, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 41 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
After the week two Bloody Sunday Massacre, I knew it would be tough watching Monday Night Football this week. Anytime my man Darren Waller touched the ball I flinched in anticipation of another torn ACL or high ankle sprain. My standing Tuesday morning appointment with my fantasy football therapist, where I usually just complain about how unlucky I got in the past week’s matchups, will now be used to work thru this post traumatic fantasy stress syndrome. Fortunately, Darren Waller is one player I won’t need to cry about during that session as he destroyed the Saints’ defense with 12 catches for 103 yards and his 1st touchdown—let’s just hope he didn’t injure his back while carrying the Raiders offense. I ranked Big Sexy Waller as my #3 tight end and #36 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings so I’m looking pretty smart, as long as you ignore where I ranked Kerryon Johnson and a bunch of other players. Also, don’t ask why I’m required to wear a helmet around my house. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Saquon It Ain’t So!
September 21, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 72 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Who does week #2 work for? If you own any fantasy football players, then probably not you. That’s because everyone got injured on Sunday. Here’s a list of all the players who didn’t get hurt in week 2:
1. Frank Gore
2. Cal Ripkin
3. Hingle McCringleberry
I’ll have the interns fact check that list, but I’m pretty sure it’s accurate and complete. Some of the big name players affected by the week two injuryocolypse, include Christian McCaffrey, Raheem Mostert, Cam Akers, Davante Adams, Courtland Sutton, Will Fuller, Sterling Shepard, Breshad Perriman, Jimmy Garoppolo, Drew Lock and Nick Bosa. But the biggest fantasy news of the day was Saquon Barkley who took 4 carries for 28 yards before being carted off with a knee injury. The Giants fear the worst: a torn ACL. This is terrible, everyone assemble the prayer octagon for Saquon. If the unthinkable is true, Dion Lewis (10 carries for 20 yards, 4 catches for 36 yards and his 1st touchdown) appears to be the next man up, but the never exciting Wayne Gallman (did not play) is still in the mix. Also, Devonta Freeman is now sleeping outside Giants’ headquarters waiting for the call. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? The Hunt for Brown Chubbtober
September 18, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 66 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Two nights ago I had a vivid dream. I was cruising down the South Carolina coast on a beautiful summers day, windows open and Katie Perry’s Dark Horse blaring on the speakers. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye I see an enormous tidal wave towering over me. As I scrambled to roll up the windows, the big kahuna came crashing down on me like something out of an Odell Beckham Jr. fantasy—except less brown and more liquid. Well, I think more liquid, not positive on Odell’s preferred consistency. But next thing I knew I was laying awake in bed, sweat covered, clutching my Kerryon Johnson blow up doll. What did it all mean?
Naturally, like any deranged fantasy football addict, I assumed the dream was forewarning of the impending injury wave set to billow down on all of my fantasy football teams in week 2. Turns out, I misinterpreted all the signs. The vehicle in my dream was actually my week two fantasy opponents, and the colossal wave was Nick Chubb demolishing them with his 22 carries for 124 yards, 1 catch for 9 yards and 2 touchdowns. Kareem Hunt dove into the storm too with 10 carries for 86 yards, 2 catches for 15 yards and 2 touchdowns of his own. I told you in my weekly Thursday Night Football predictions that Chubb would return to full mast . I missed on my prediction of Baker Mayfield leaving at half time to record Progressive commercials, but one for two isn’t bad. Hopefully no one freaked out and traded Chubb away for another, more flaccid back after his poor showing in week one. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 2 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
September 17, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 100 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Cincinnati Bengals (+6) at Cleveland Browns
Forecast: Nice of the NFL to serve us up the Ohio Toilet Bowl as a week 2 primetime game. On the plus side, you know Odell Beckham Jr. is always ready to go for the toilet bowl! But Odell’s disturbing fetish won’t be the only story line of our week two Thursday Night Football match up. Don’t take your eyes off Myles Garrett on the opening drive. He’ll sack the Bengals rookie QB, Joe Burrow, and knock him out of the game by ripping Burrow’s new bling chain off and beating him over the head with it. After the rookie’s departure, Ryan Finley will keep the Bengals in this one by peppering A.J. Green and Tyler Boyd with his deep ball, in the 5-7 yard range. On the ground, Nick will get his Chubb back, but Mixon will continue to leave his owners limp. And down the stretch, it’ll be Case Keenum flinging the feces to OBJ; Baker Mayfield has accidentally doubled booked for Thursday night and he’ll have to sneak away at halftime to record a few Progressive commercials. Browns 28, Bengals 17
Wager: Browns -6 (1 Unit)
2020 Season: 0-1 (-1.1 Units)
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 2:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Like a Back out of Snell
September 15, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 69 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Has anyone else been up since Thursday night? This football stuff is a hell of a drug. My hundredth sleepless hour was marked by a somber event on Monday morning when we conducted a Viking funeral on a nearby pond for my Kerryon Johnson Fathead. The Jonathan Taylor Fathead was disturbingly excited to launch the flaming arrow into Kerryon’s boat. When the police showed up to our fiery procession, I explained what was going on and they laughed at me for drafting Kerryon Johnson, again.
Monday night couldn’t come soon enough.
Unfortunately the Steelers/Giants game had me wishing I was back at Kerryon’s Viking funeral for most of the first half. The big story from that first game was Benny Snell who easily looked like the best running back in the Steelers backfield, rumbling for 113 yards on 19 carries. With James Conner appearing slow and also “being evaluated” for a mystery injury, Snell jumps to priority numero uno on my waiver claims list this week ahead of Nyheim Hines and Joshua Kelley; the Steelers’ second year man has legit RB1 upside. Here’s what I said about Snell when I ranked him #59 in my top 60 running back rankings, “It’s a crowded young backfield behind James Conner, but Uncle Benny is my favorite Steelers RB target this year. He looked great in his rookie season before getting banged up. Conner’s now been injured each of the last two seasons. Two plus two equals Benny. Someone please check my math there . . .” The interns did check my math and I guess it checks out. So open up your pocket books and Snell the coffee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?