Author: Jay

Jay is a longtime Razzball everything who consumes an egregious amount of Makers Mark as a vehicle to gain wisdom and augment his natural glow. Living in the D.C. area, he also likes spending time visiting the local parks and feeding lettuce to any turtles he encounters, including Mitch McConnell. You can follow him on Twitter @jaywrong.

Read some of Jay's 685 posts

The Cowboys Won the Battle But Lost the War…

by: Jay

Well folks, I promised NFC East derp yesterday afternoon, but the derp levels that were given are almost too much to bear, even a day later. So much derp in fact, that I’ll get to tell my grandchildren about how I was there for the (second, or maybe third, could be technically the fourth I guess) epoch of Brandon Weeden. In what was a 6-3 football game essentially (without a special teams touchdown) in the first 40 minutes of regulation, it wasn’t quite football, but wasn’t quite baseball either. What it was exactly, I can’t quite describe. If I had to give some sort of concrete answer, I would probably call it a nuclear weapons test. I will say this, as was alluded to earlier with one Brandon Weeden, the epoch began immediately after Tony Romo suffered a fractured clavicle bone (on the play shown above). Along with the news that Dez Bryant’s timetable for a return is murky now at best, this game still probably ended up more demoralizing for the Eagles. True, even with an existential outlook, you could say that the Cowboys lost the first two games they actually won (SO EFFING DEEP), but the Eagles look almost too innovative to be playing football at this point. If Romo (and by extension, Bryant) are out for an extended period of time (likely), and you combine that with the Giants doing very Giants like things, the Eagles have basically ceded the division to Washington. HAHAHAH. But don’t worry, Chip Kelly is still a genius. Totally.

Here’s what else I saw in Week 2 (with bonus Week 2 knee-jerk reactions to the knee-jerk reactions I had in Week 1. WOOOO!)…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sunday Night Football Live Thread, Week 2: Seahawks vs. Packers

by: Jay

In what is probably one of the most anticipated match-ups involving teams that made the playoffs last season, the Seahawks travel to the legendary (ALLEGEDLY) Lambeau Field, made famous in history because of an old white dude who waxed poetic war metaphors into sweet Twitter like statements about football and wore a Fedora dominated a league that had a total of like three teams. But, to be fair, at least the Packers have a long and, well, we’ll call it robust, they have a robust football history. The Seahawks have had a Super Bowl stolen from them, a terrifically easy and boring Super Bowl win over the Broncos, and then the tainting of that win with a redzone disaster against the Patriots in last year’s Super Bowl. Matt Hasselbeck is mixed in a bunch in there too. All in about 15 minutes time, contextually speaking. Thus enters our game for Sunday Night Football, a newly-storied franchise, trying desperately to defend the right’s of rich hipsters everywhere (they just want an unlimited selection of microbrew and kale chips maaaaaaaan), going against an old school franchise that’s owned by the cheese-riddled blue collar people of the Midwest (all three of them), led by a coach, in Mike McCarthy, that will stop at nothing to make Aaron Rodgers as irrelevant as he can while kicking as many field goals as he can. Should be fun guys!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Late Games Live Thread, Week 2

September 20, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 41 Comments

by: Jay

Countless times you and I have spoken about the NFC East derp levels, only because these levels are affecting our lives faster and more pronounced than that of global warming and Donald Trump’s hair thingamajig. But with Washington looking somewhat competent today, and I say “somewhat” just for the mere fact that I’m so surprised of said competency (focused mainly in the first half), that I’m not even sure it actually happened. It could all be made up! But regardless, even with the Giants doing sorta what the Giants do, it’s fair to say our normal derp levels are running low, here comes the Dez Bryantless Cowboys and the always innovative (except when they are super innovative) Eagles, here to quench our derp-thirst. Which sounds like a great name for a porno blooper reel.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Early Games Live Thread, Week 2

September 20, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 91 Comments

by: Jay

Going into Week 2, one could pick from a plethora of story lines to choose from. As the one who dictates such things for your consumption, and seeing as how the “Petyon Manning’s demise” story line was delayed this past Thursday night, I bring to you, dear readers, this fascinating snippet…

All four teams in the AFC East are 1-0. Last time that happened in any division was 2002.

— Armando Salguero (@ArmandoSalguero) September 13, 2015

Granted this probably is due to the fact that in the past, opening divisional games were more common, but I still think it’s impressive for an entire division to go 4-0 in a week. Even more impressive when you consider that it’s a division that includes both the Bills and the Jets. (Just a fun note, the AFC West could have also achieved this feat, if not for a Raiders loss in Week 1. Because Raiders.) Unfortunately, this honeymoon won’t last, as the Patriots travel to Buffalo. So let’s enjoy the fact that Bills, Dolphins, and Jets all share first place with the Patriots, something which I’m sure won’t last much longer. The Jets will do what they do best, and that’s be the Jets. The Dolphins, I’m sure, will find unique and interesting ways to stay mediocre. And the Bills? Well, what I can I say about that Bills that hasn’t already been said about the Jets and Dolphins?

Our rankings have been updated for today’s games and can be found here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

That’s so Chiefs

September 18, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 59 Comments

by: Jay

If you had judged this game by the first three quarters and half of the fourth, you might have thought that Monday Night Football had given way to Thursday’s Prime Time to tenaciously make us feel like a nap is a better use of the time. True, it could have been a combination of Peyton Manning’s multiple incompletions where the ball traveled roughly an inch a second, Alex Smith’s continued ability to only throw five-yard slants, Andy Reid’s ability to literally eat all of this timeouts, and Phil Simms just stringing together random nouns. OR maybe it was that every other play there was a penalty flag. There hadn’t been that much yellow flying around since that incident at R. Kelly’s house years back. But just like last week, Denver’s defense found a way to lock in another win, forcing a fumble on Jamaal Charles with 30 seconds to play, allowing as much Monday morning quarterbacking as possible on Reid’s decision to not take a knee into overtime. I’m personally neutral on the decision, I think most coaches consider a draw there to be a low-risk “let’s see if we can get any yardage” type of play, but, I would admit that the correct move at the point would have been just to take the knee. It wouldn’t have mattered because Andy Reid would have been blamed for any decision he made, but since he could probably eat me plus a Sizzler, I’ll end on that note.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Thursday Night Football Live Thread, Week 2: Broncos vs. Chiefs

September 17, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 53 Comments

by: Jay

When given the opportunity, I will never not use this. You have my word.

We’ve now moved on from the first week of football, with all the time in between being spent exhausting profound energy on armchair analysis of who looked good and who looked bad, who’s done and who’s not, all with the knowledge that the entirety of our data set is resting on the laurels on the small sample size of one singular game. Poor Laurel. That being said, Peyton is done. Finished. As a Chargers fan, that is my complete and unbiased analyzation of the matter. You know it’s true because that statement had the word “anal” in it. To be fair, there’s a lot of worry out there for what probably the greatest quarterback to play the game. Simply put, against the Ravens, he did not look good. Baltimore’s defense was content defending the mid-range and short game of Manning, daring him to throw the ball long, something he just couldn’t do. In return, we watched a game that was played in-between the 30-yard lines, something that probably hadn’t been done since the infamous Steelers smackdown of the Dolphins, 3-0 back in 2007. Granted, the Ravens and Broncos exit strategy for thier game provided some zeal and zest, and that’s not sarcasm. I brought out my “z” words, afterall. But to circle back to beginning, this is one-week armchair analysis (back to anal too I suppose, hey now), so I’m still expecting Peyton Manning to not look so terrible. It would go a long way tonight against the Chiefs if Manning continued his personal domination over them and would certainly quiet the doubters. He is 13-1 against them all time, and the one loss came in 2004 where he threw 472 yards with 5 touchdowns. So we’ll just have to see if Forehead can figure it out…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rankings, Week 2: Do the Deux

September 17, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Weekly Rankings | 176 Comments

by: Jay

Period	Rank	Overall	High	Low	Percentile
Week 1	56.80%	54 out of 137	62.80%	46.30%	Top 40%
2014	58.10%	31 out of 125	60.70%	50.60%	Top 25%

But seriously, don’t. Mountain Dew is probably the most disgusting thing out there unless you’re in high school or play World of Warcraft. Anyways, it’s now time for Week 2 Rankings folks! Why? You know why! Like I stated in our Week 1 Rankings, it’s because the world needs rankings. Nay, the world demands it. To be really honest, what’s the point of writing about fantasy football if not to start arguments over subjective numerical values? If you answered “there is no point!” (exclamation point inflection required, which I guess is an obtuse way of saying: YELL IT!), well then, you win this cookie. This cookie right here. Oh, you don’t see the cookie? That’s probably because I just ate it. So you get no cookie. Just the teasing of said cookie. Great, now I’m hungry for more cookies. Thanks ya jerk!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tiny Darren Still Tiny

September 15, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 153 Comments

by: Jay

“PULL BRADFORD!” – Eagles Fans from the first snap to the second half, and then again in the fourth quarter. They’re nothing if not consistent.

Granted, I think that was the longest I’ve ever seen Sam Bradford play, but as I alluded to in yesterday’s round-up, the NFC East is crucial when it comes to developing, producing, and delivering derp. In fact, the most surprising part is how the Giants, Eagles, and Cowboys are reaching closer and closer to Washington in derp levels. Something like a tide lifts all boats type of strategy perhaps. The first half was interesting, in that I couldn’t really deduce what exactly was going on… was Chip Kelly’s innovations on offense suffering because the Falcons defense was actually trying (something they hadn’t implemented in years), or was Chip Kelly’s innovations just so next level, his goal was to get the punting team to take the field as quickly as possible? One can never know, and I’ll admit, I didn’t know until things went back to semi-normal in the third quarter, where the Eagles scored 14 unanswered points on the tiny back of Darren Sproles, who was located on your fantasy bench. And all of this was against the prototypical Kyle Shanahan offense, which had like 600-yards and just two touchdowns… But of course, in Eagles fashion, with the chance to drive down the field with two minutes to go and win the game, Bradford threw a pass to Jordan Matthews only to see it hit off his hands into the Falcons defense (shown above). I’m pretty sure the NFC East will just be taking a sabbatical this year… And as for the Vikings vs. 49ers game… I don’t really want to talk about it. Let’s just say the entire game reminded me of some kind of avant-garde Burning Man exhibition piece. In a civilized country, both of those teams would have gotten the help they needed…

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Monday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1

September 14, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 28 Comments

by: Jay

EAGLES BORN OUT OF THUNDER

I sometimes wonder how we got through this past Sunday without the innovation and up-tempo musings of one Chip Kelly. While there is a double-header tonight (and the Vikings vs. 49ers should be quite the average-quality type of game), most eyes will be watching the coach who is known as the master of quicksaster, the dean of getting rid of disgruntled African-American players, the champion of signing one of the best African-American running backs this offseason, and the king of trading anything and everything to mold the Eagles into the Oregon Ducks. Probably one of the longest descriptions of Chip Kelly out there, sure, but still apt, and it has nothing on the thesis-order you’d put in at Starbucks to get a coffee, black. Yes, Chip Kelly is all those things and more, and tonight, we get to see his experiment finally at work. With offensive principles like Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray, and Ryan Mathews, I ask you, what could go wrong?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

How Did the Giants Win Two Super Bowls?

September 14, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 178 Comments

by: Jay

While I always say that Sunday Night Football is tacitly known as the premier match-up of the weekend, I wasn’t necessarily wanting to lead-off my first recap of Sunday’s games with it, but if the Cowboys and Giants continue the long NFC East tradition of having memorable derp-offs, I have very little choice in the matter. In a game that featured two interceptions and two fumbles (and that was just the Cowboys!), Run DMC being his usual “Run for two feet then drop DMC”, coaching you’d expect from the Princeton ginger Jason Garrett and a guy with the last name McAdoo, well, you’d be hard pressed to follow all that up with a fascinating and suspenseful last two minutes. But they did. After an “interesting” (to be kind) play-action call at the one-yard line (I’m assuming even Pete Carroll would call a run play there) with just about 1:40 left in the game that failed with an intentional throw out of bounds by Eli Manning, the Cowboys quickly drove down the field in just 88 seconds, scoring the go ahead touchdown shown above. On that score, Romo was able to connect with Jason Witten after dropping a bad snap, which seems like the most Romo thing ever. Unless it ended up being an interception. Good hustle Cowboys and Giants… I can’t wait to see what the derp looks like when the Eagles and Washington get involved. Especially Washington. They were born in the derp. Molded by it…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 1 (with bonus first week knee-jerk reactions!)…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sunday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1: Giants vs. Cowboys

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 25 Comments

by: Jay

An interesting factoid that you may not be aware of is that since 2009, Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth have called exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. Which essentially means that if you’ve watched Sunday Night Football since 2009, you also watched exactly half of all the Giants vs. Cowboys games. What can I say? Sometimes math is very kind to me. Granted, this math probably applies equally to any Cowboys/Eagles, Ravens/Steelers, and Manning/Brady games, with a few Pats/Colts and Seahawks/49ers match-ups thrown in, so what I’m basically saying I guess is that NBC loves ratings and schedules their games accordingly. This incredible deduction by yours truly may or may not have been because I’m a fan of BBC’s Sherlock… but it certainly didn’t hurt.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Late Games Live Thread, Week 1

September 13, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 15 Comments

by: Jay

With the early slate of games nearly in the book, we can now turn our attention to the late games, where there are even more marquee match-ups featuring legendary players, long held rivalries, and the ultimate in what we know as professional football. And that’s just the Titans and Buccaneers game I’m talking about. Hyperbole aside, the game does feature an intriguing match-up between two rookie quarterbacks; Marcus Mariota and Jameis Winston.

Please, blog, may I have some more?