Author: Jay

Jay is a longtime Razzball everything who consumes an egregious amount of Makers Mark as a vehicle to gain wisdom and augment his natural glow. Living in the D.C. area, he also likes spending time visiting the local parks and feeding lettuce to any turtles he encounters, including Mitch McConnell. You can follow him on Twitter @jaywrong.

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Early Games Live Thread, Week 1

by: Jay

Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

So much gum chewing. Someone just give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

The season is now in full swing, with the first Sunday of football for 2015 season bringing us a fantastic slate of games. Do you want action? Do you want drama? Do you want romance? I WANT ALL OF THESE THINGS. Well, then I present to you the Browns versus the Jets. Haha, just kidding… but this is Week 1… I wouldn’t have really minded that being the premier match-up… well, for at least a few minutes. Honestly, what can you say about Jets that would excite anyone? And what can you say about that Browns that hasn’t already been said about Iraq? Nada, to use a parlance of our times. But there are some actual marquee match-ups this Sunday morning, including, but not limited to the Bears hosting the Packers, the newly revamped Bills facing off against the Colts, and a battle of cats between the Panthers and Jaguars. Then there’s an interesting NFC West match-up involving the Seahawks and Rams, which I’m sure will include Pete Carroll smacking his jaw like a guy who just did coke after being clean for 20 years…

Our rankings have been updated for today’s games and can be found here.

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A Gronking to Remember

by: Jay

“Don’t cover Gronk. What’s the worst he can do?” – Keith Butler.

Even though the pregame show lasted about as long as a soccer game does (with all the appropriate New England circle-jerking, including, but definitely not limited to the Dropkick Murphies performing), we were soon allowed to settle in and watch the first game of the 2015 regular season. Right from the start, the Patriots offense seemed fueled by their overwhelming whiteness, as if Bill Belichick knew that I wanted to experience what it’s like to eat an entire box of saltines while stuck in traffic outside of Boise, Idaho inside a Ford Fiesta listening to the White Stripes. Speaking of Julian Edelman and Rob Gronkowski, I’d say (with my analytical prowess) they played a huge part of the Patriots eventual win. Well, almost as much as Josh Scobee (missing two field goals) and the Steelers secondary (who thought Gronk was overrated), both of which forced Mike Tomlin to go into his ‘Choke-A-B*itch” resting face for pretty much the entire night…

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Thursday Night Football Live Thread, Week 1: Steelers vs. Patriots

September 10, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 GameDay Notes | 82 Comments

by: Jay

Technically it’s Sunday Night Football on Thursday, but since that makes no sense whatsoever, I’m just going to call it what it is, and that’s Thursday Night Football (TNF). And since the Steelers are going against the Patriots, you could also probably call this stigmata as well. In a match-up I would call a “rambunctious” recreating of everything wrong with Afghanistan, the season opener begins on the laurels of a guy who is likely to force himself on your mom. And Ben Roethlisberger. I do want to mention that this game should have featured two former teammates going against each other in Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, but both are missing time due to suspensions from marijuana-related offenses, so that idea kinda went up in smoke. A shame, as it was such a budding relationship too… Instead, we’ll once again have to deal with two quarterbacks we all love to hate, one with deflated balls and asterisks galore, and the other with a HARF HARF HARF take on life. And on sexual assault.

You can find Week 1 Rankings here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rankings, Week 1: And So It Begins

September 10, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Weekly Rankings | 122 Comments

by: Jay

2014 Accuracy: 58.10% (31st out of 125 Experts, Range: 60.70% – 50.60%).

That’s right my friends, we made it. Another football season is about to begin, and to make sure the beginning is as miserable as possible, tonight’s opening game features the Steelers and Patriots. But don’t worry, I will not let these two storied (haha, please) franchises dampen my mood. For now we have real football spanning over the next five months (or about a month and a half if you live in D.C.), and this real fooball will, in turn, produce that which will fill our Fantasy Football holes. That makes it sound so technical and coarse, much like my love making. Regardless, with the new season budding with excitment and hope for all fans across the United States (unless you live in D.C.), it is now time to release the first iteration of our Weekly Rankings, because if there’s anything I’ve learned during my time here, it’s the world needs rankings. Nay… the world demands it. Honestly, what else is the point of having a Fantasy Football site if not to start knife fights over subjective numerical values? So get your best Ray Lewis going and make the jump for our Week 1 Rankings!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Podcast: The Season is Finally Here

September 9, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Podcast, Fantasy Football Podcast | 70 Comments

by: Jay

And so it begins. While this is the eleventh podcast of our “season”, this shall be known, henceforth, as the first podcast of the NFL season. You know it’s legit when I add in Old English vernacular. THOUEST THOU! Tehol and I briefly went over some news items like James Jones signing with Green Bay and Fred Jackson signing with Seattle. We then moved onto the first slate of games in Week 1, going over the fantasy implications and what to look for this Thursday, Sunday, and Monday. As an added twist, Tehol and I started a game of Pick ‘Em and you’re invited! At the end of the year, I’ll take note of all the games both of us pick on the pod along with your picks in the comment section. If you guys (and gals) end up beating both Tehol and myself, whichever listener has the highest total of correct calls, you’ll get a Razzball t-shirt of your choice, on me! So go ahead and list your Week 1 winners below in the comment section.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Official 2015 Razzball Picks

September 8, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Y to Z | 113 Comments

by: Jay

It’s official because we don’t deal in unofficial. Whatever that means. Which is nothing, if you’re wondering. But it does make this post feel more important. Delusions of grandeur? That’s my life story bro. And that also might describe the life story of many here who reside at Razzball HQ. Which is basically our basements. With bountiful supplies of Hot Pockets and alchohal. Why do we make these picks? Because we think we’re right all the time. Except for me. I’m just very wrong. But don’t let that stop you from looking at our well-thought out (MAYBE) picks for this upcoming 2015 season. The thing is, we all can’t write a 1500 word exposé on these players, so you get this nifty assortment where you’ll gain a general sense of which players we like and which we don’t. All in a simple box for you to stare and giggle at. Kind of like what you normally would do if you were looking at Tehol‘s well, you know, simple box. Along with that, we’ve taken a stab at the NFL Playoff picture, calling both the Championship games and the Super Bowl. Enjoy!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

RCL Update: The Writer’s League

September 7, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Razzball Commenter Leagues | 40 Comments

by: Jay

Well, with the RCL drafting phase almost over for all leagues, there’s one last update before the seasons starts, so why not make it a special one? That’s what I was thinking, but instead, I just decided to overview the writer’s draft which happened last Thursday, with the hangover ending around today. I think. Maybe tomorrow. Before we get down and dirty (Tehol’s natural state) with poking fun at all of our teams, I’d like to point out that if you haven’t had a chance to join a league, it’s not to late in getting in on the action (and there’s no limit on joining). I’ll be hosting a draft every night until the start of the season, mostly because this is America and I want football to be here, and I want it now.

But real football is obviously not going to happen until Thursday, so I’m biding the time, as they say, with these Fantasy Football drafts. Who they are and why they say that, I have no idea, but they appear to know what’s up. Join up here for those gnarly and tubular prizes!

Now onto the mocking of the RCL Writer’s League…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to the 2015 Razzball Fantasy Football Season

September 7, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 44 Comments

by: Jay

We made it folks. Yesterday was the last Sunday without regular season football for a long time, and I can’t wait to get this season started. I’m just so excited for what we have in store for you this year. I could also be excited from eating copious amounts of Guinness (part of an essential and balanced meal). But even if it’s a combination of the two, it matters not, for football, and Fantasy Football is back. Follow me after the jump to see what we are cooking for you this year at Razzball HQ. Hint: It’s not edible. I mean, you can eat your computer if you want, but I would recommend unplugging it first. And probably adding some salt…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jimmy Garoppolo’s Mom is Gonna Be Pissed

September 4, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 138 Comments

by: Jay

“We did it guys!”

I’m looking at this as less of a victory for Tom Brady and more of a defeat for Roger Goodell. And, of course, the aforementioned mother of Jimmy Garoppolo. My heart goes out to her. If you didn’t hear, Tom Brady’s four-game suspension was overturned by U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman yesterday. The suspension was handed down by my personal lord and savior Roger Goodell because of Deflategate, a minor issue that didn’t get much coverage at all, taking a backseat to that “Falcons funneling noise into their stadium” ordeal. Here was Berman’s official ruling:

“Because there was no notice of a four-game suspension in the circumstances presented here, Commissioner Goodell may be said to have ‘dispensed his own brand of industrial justice’… The court finds that Brady had no notice that he could receive a four-game suspension for general awareness of ball deflation by others.”

The NFL will appeal the decision, because I guess Goodell’s incompetance in the matter needs to compound further, but the most important aspect, fantasy-wise, is that the epoch of Jimmy Garoppolo has ended before it even began. And that my friends, is a travesty…

New to Daily Fantasy? Join a Free-to-Play FanDuel’s League now, where half the league wins cash! (New users only.)

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LeSean McCoy’s Injury Status Gets a Bit Shady

September 3, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 87 Comments

by: Jay

“Look at me! My hamstring and I are having relationship issues! Weeeeee!”

See what I did there with the title? Yes you did. Yesterday, there were some concerns that the Bills’ LeSean McCoy may not be ready for Week 1 after suffering a hamstring injury early in the preseason. And now Rex Ryan has expressed doubt as well:

I hope,… if not then the next man has to step up. So we will see. If he is not ready to go, he won’t be in there.”

It appears that McCoy is dealing with a “small tear” in the hamstring (proving that anything can sound delicious when combined with the word ham), tearing in a spot “that couldn’t have been better”. Okay. I’m no longer hungry, so I have to ask, even if it’s best possible tear in the history of all hamstrings (nope, I’m hungry again), it’s still a tear of the hamstring, right? I have to hand it to them though, a lot of hustle here to play this story down. Yes he tore his hamstring. But it’s the best possible tear ever! If McCoy is a no-go, which seems likely at this point, it’ll be Bryce Brown and Anthony Dixon getting most of the carries, as Karlos Williams is still recovering from an undisclosed leg injury. No worries though, I hear Fred Jackson is available…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

RCL Update: The NFL Regular Season Approaches

September 2, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, 2015 Razzball Commenter Leagues | 77 Comments

by: Jay

We’ve had an amazing run so far boys and girls. And by boys and girls, I mean men and women. And by men and women, I mean many men and possibly a woman. But I digress. We’ve had a great time creating leagues and drafting players so far in the RCLs, but the next week or so will mark the end of what is known as “the drafting season”. I think… I have actually have no idea if that’s what it’s called. If it isn’t, it should be. We still have a school system based on an agrarian calender, so why not add farming terminolgy to fantasy football? I’ve had worse ideas folks. Scary, right? Regardless, if you still want to be a part of the Razzball Commenter Leagues, there are still spots open, and there’s no limit to how many leagues you create and/or join. So follow me after the jump to take a shot for some pretty sweet prizes!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Age of RG-3 Closes, Let the Epoch of KC-1 Begin

September 1, 2015 | 2015 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 62 Comments

by: Jay

Both Jared and RG-3 have been taken out. If I were Justin Tuck, I'd be worried...

Both Jared and RG-3 have fallen. If I were Justin Tuck, I’d be worried…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Okay. Not really. And so it was, and so it shall be, which was proclaimed long ago when the Washington Football Team traded what would be Janoris Jenkins, Michael Brockers, Zac Stacy, Stedman Bailey, Greg Robinson, and Alec Ogletree for Robert Griffin III, and then a few days later, drafted his eventual successor in Kirk Cousins. Bible-speech aside, I have to say, maybe Mike Shannahan and company might have been better off just waiting, you know, until their sixth pick and drafting Ryan Tannehill. Sure, hindsight has that amazing 20/20 vision, but as I mentioned in yesterday’s podcast, this quarterback excursion seemed doomed to fail, even as far back to that aforementioned day when both RG-3 and Kirk Cousins were drafted. Obviously, the situation was exacerbated over time by injuries, stunted development, complete coaching failures, further coaching changes, system changes, ownership dysfunction, etc. etc. And this is a normal Monday for the franchise. So here we are and Kirk Cousins is now your Week 1 Starter in Washington. I would go on to establish some fantasy context, but I’m not sure there is any. Just further proof that Washington has now eclipsed the Raiders at being the Raiders. Truly… these are dark days in the District.

In case you guys haven’t noticed, Fantasy Basketball is warming up once again, and our RCLs are open! If you’d like to go keep J.B. Gilpin company for a bit, I ain’t gonna blame you. Afterall, I’m busy keeping his mom company…

Please, blog, may I have some more?