Author: Jay

Jay is a longtime Razzball everything who consumes an egregious amount of Makers Mark as a vehicle to gain wisdom and augment his natural glow. Living in the D.C. area, he also likes spending time visiting the local parks and feeding lettuce to any turtles he encounters, including Mitch McConnell. You can follow him on Twitter @jaywrong.

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2014 Rest of Season Rankings

by: Jay

A lot has changed in a month, oh, hold on… I’m sorry, just one second here, let me take off my captain’s hat. It takes so long to remove because of how big it is. I think it’s probably since the word “obvious” is like size 840 font. As I was saying, it feels like years since we’ve gone back and updated the preseason rankings. And there’s a reason for that. (No, it’s not because I have to reevaluate ranking Ryan Mathews so high. You shut your wh*re mouth.) I’m just not a huge movement guy early in the season, probably because of the profound lack of fiber in my diet. I hesitate making reactionary moves, and I’d rather see how things play out in a majority of scenarios in Fantasy Football. Much like Fantasy Baseball, I want to see how things stew a bit before making wholesale changes, and to be honest, I would love you to do the same. Now, unlike baseball, waiting 20 games or so for trends to emerge wouldn’t work here, as you’d be making roster changes around Super Bowl time… just a little bit tardy there. Just a little. But taking the season in 4-game increments can be beneficial for your mind, body, soul, and probably loins. There’s science to back this up, I swear. So look forward to these rankings being updated after every four games from here on out, so until then…

Here are Razzball’s Rest of Season Rankings for 2014:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Dreamboat Capsizing

by: Jay

Soooo, that was a football game… I think? While the season itself seemed to be gleaming with Patriot schadenfreude (as stated last night), it all seemed to culminate into last night’s game, which I guess upgrades it to a schadenboner. The Chiefs came out and dominated all phases of the game, well, except timeout and clock management, but we’re used to that with Andy Reid. I actually haven’t seen a bunch of Patriots from Boston wiped out like that since the Battle of Bunker Hill. Honestly, this division is so bad that if one of the other teams had a competent quarterback, New England would have been in trouble a long time ago.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

MNF, Week 4: Patriots vs. Chiefs

September 29, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 52 Comments

by: Jay

These are not your father’s Patriots. Mostly because they sucked more back then. But here in the 21st century, we are used to the Greatriots. Not so much anymore. More like the Mediocriots, amiright? Tom Brady, the Uggs Overlord himself, is ranked 30th in the league with just 5.54 yards per attempt, and has just completed 1 of his 13 attempts of 21 yards or longer downfield. While not exactly elite receivers, both Danny Amendola and Brandon Lafell have just four catches on the season. Sure, some of this probably has something to do with shoddy offensive line play and an ineffective running game, but at the end of the day, who cares? The sweet sweet schadenfreude is there for the taking. On the other side, you have an Andy Reid led Chiefs that has a defense regarded highly as the hottest garbage available at the moment. But good news, Jamaal Charles, through some medical miracle, is set to start tonight after ~~tearing his ACL~~, ~~receiving a leg contusion~~, suffering a high-ankle sprain. So that should be fun to watch.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Imagine: Someone from the NFC South will Make the Playoffs

September 29, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 120 Comments

by: Jay

We’re in this together!

I know, I’m asking a lot of you. After capping off the day of football with the Sunday Night Game, it soon dawned upon me how scary it is that this division will, at some point in time, produce, at the very most, one playoff team. It’s a scary thought, especially since it was manifested watching a Saints secondary that I should buy to use as a spaghetti strainer. Anything that allows the Cowboys to have consecutive competent drives is something this world isn’t ready for. And it wasn’t just this one game either. You had the Falcons collapse against a Vikings team that has lost it’s best player in Adrian Peterson, is starting a rookie quarterback in Teddy Bridgewater, and still believes Christian Ponder deserves a roster spot in the NFL. Ugh. And then you have the ~~Jacksonville Jaguars~~ Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who, we don’t need to spend too much time on. Because Bucs are gonna Buc, amiright? And last, but certainly not least, (because, in a stunning turn of events, they are currently occupying first place in this travesty of a division), the Carolina Panthers. Who, apparently, didn’t take Steve Smith’s death threats seriously and proceeded to get maimed in Baltimore. Which is actually pretty common, now that I think of it. And yes, just to state for the record, their secondary collected a game check this week. That is all.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

SNF, Week 4: Saints vs. Cowboys

September 28, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 32 Comments

by: Jay

While I’m sure a lot of quarterbacks can claim to be quite good against the Cowboys during the regular season (because they don’t go to the postseason… ICE BURN), Drew Brees most certainly can be included on that list. Despite the Saints being known more for being a “home” team, the Brees led Saints have gone 3-0 in Jerry Jones’ own personal Hasbro G.I. Joe Fully Armed Command Station Headquarters, that incidentally also has a capacity of 190,000 and football field in the middle of it. But not too worry, because with Jason Garrett and Tony Romo at the helm, LOL, yeah, I can’t even finish that sentence.

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Week 4 Late Games: 49(ers) Survivor Tips

September 28, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 20 Comments

by: Jay

It’s still too early to declare any team having a zero-to-little chance of going to the playoffs. Well, except for Jacksonville. And Oakland. And probably the Vikings. And the Titans as well. Oh, Washington too. And, yeah, we should add the Bucs to that list. Okay, so yeah, it’s not that early to declare some teams anti-January, but there are certainly some teams that could be added to the list after today. The 49ers are one of them, as the Eagles come to town with Nick Foles and his 58 broken ribs and an offensive line that has a 4% attendance rate at this point. The game should be interesting, as the 49ers have lost in spectacularly mysterious fashion the last two weeks and Chip Kelly is just so damn innovative.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Week 4 Early Games: There Will Be Blood

September 28, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 115 Comments

by: Jay

“I want to make sure that whatever team I go to, they’re going to get the best, in-shape 35-year-old guy they can get. If that happens to run through Bank of America Stadium, put your goggles on cause there’s going to be blood and guts everywhere.” — Steve Smith, Charlotte radio station WFNZ-AM.

Soooo, that was graphic. And as if someone in the NFL head office was listening to him, even without the benefit of it being on video tape, it appears we’ll get to see Steve Smith’s best Duke Nukem impersonation this Sunday, as the scheduling gods have sent the Carolina Panthers to Baltimore’s Inner Harbor (the shining two-by-two square mile gem of the area, or what I call the “safe-zone”. Haha, just kidding, it’s not that safe) to do mortal football combat with Smith and the rest of the Ravens. And probably Joe Flacco’s elite eyebrows. Those things have a license to kill. And, you know, check down.

Week 4 Rankings have been updated for today’s games. You can check them out here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

RCL Update, Week 4: We Figured Out Yahoo! Yahoo!

September 26, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Razzball Commentator Leagues | 49 Comments

by: Jay

And by we, I mean Rudy. There were apparently some issues with Yahoo (surprise!), and I’m sure you, the readers who are competing against each other in this year’s Razzball Commentator Leagues, have suffered greatly not knowing what’s going on in our little universe of fantasy football. I’m not quite sure how Rudy’s dark wizardry works, but from what I can gather, there was a problem reversing polarity on the duadnem colliflex inter-valve dilithium imbalance, causing the gravimetric continuum reciprocating-phase matrix to miss-align. AND THAT’S THE WORST BRO. Why? What a silly question. You know as well as I do that the tetryon matrix can’t take that kind of punishment. Too much alternating variance in the asymmetrical interface nutation, NAW WHAT I’M SAYIN’ DAWG? Word. Regardless, the issues have been resolved, and you can rest easy now, knowing that we have the 2014 RCL Master Standings ready to be presented to you. So follow me after the jump to figure out what’s going on in the RCL universe in the fourth week, for the first time. Or the first week in the fourth time. Time the week for the time on the fourth? Uhh. Right.

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And That was the Moment the Kirk Cousins’ Movement Died

September 26, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 84 Comments

by: Jay

So, that actually was about the most predictable outcome, if we’re basing it off of the complete 2014 Thursday Night Football catalog thus far. Needless to say, there were some takeaways from last night’s game that I want to share with you. FedEx field continues to look as solid as RG3’s knee. I have no idea how much longer Tom Coughlin can look that constipated, but 11 years is a magical feat. Get that man some prune juice, stat. Competent Eli Manning? First sign of the Apocalypse. Everyone okay with Jesus? Oh, and Kirk Cousins. Yeah… that happened. And by that, I mean four interceptions and a fumble. Let me tell you, I’ve heard of kissing cousins, but sh*tting the bed Cousins? That’s a new one. Well, like the old saying goes– “When Jermaine McBride gets an interception, the game is over”.

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TNF, Week 4, Giants vs. Washington Football Team

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Gameday | 62 Comments

by: Jay

Can’t get more exciting than this folks. The battle for last place in the NFC East is up for grabs tonight, and I for one will be watching this game with bated breath, much like how I watch porn. Playing in a short week, Washington will be coming in with some personnel issues from a very physical game against the Eagles last Sunday. DeAngelo Hall has a ruptured left Achilles (which might actually improve the secondary), Brian Orakpo and Jason Hatcher are both out, along with Shawn Lauvao and Duke Ihenacho. If I were him, I would just retire, as being the Duke of Nachos seems to be one of the worthiest of life pursuits. The Giants come in a bit healthier, but that’s not saying much, seeing as they were only able to put a semi-complete game together against the hapless Texans. And I’m being friendly when I say semi. Regardless, when two teams in the NFC East get together to see who can derp the most, I usually assume it involves the Cowboys, but this match-up will do just fine.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rankings, Week 4: You Say Hello, I Say Good Bye Weeks. (Get it? Get it? Oh, You Get it…)

September 25, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, 2014 Weekly Rankings | 140 Comments

by: Jay

2014 In-Season Accuracy: 57.7% (31st out of 133 Experts, 61.4% Highest, 49.1% Lowest).

Week 3 Results: 57.4% (88th out of 128 Experts, 67.1% Highest, 44.3% Lowest).

I have to relay the breaking news people. The Cardinals, Bengals, Browns, Broncos, Seahawks, and Rams are missing this week. Somewhere out there, a zookeeper is shedding one tear. (Animals can be brown, so it technically works. Shut up.) But don’t worry everyone, this was supposed to happen. No search parties are necessary. Why? Two reasons– First, this was all planned, as we have reached the first bye week in the 2014 schedule, and teams need a break after just three games. (Hmmm.) Second, I can actually see Peyton Manning’s forehead from my house. So don’t worry, they’re still around, but will just be there on Sunday in spirit. I’m reading that sentence and still trying to figure out the existential meaning of it all. Life bro, it keeps on a happening. I mean, why is Grape Nuts cereal called that? It contains neither grapes, nor does it contain nuts… whoa. WHOA. Now, onto the rankings! With more bye! (That’s hot.)

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The Marshall Plan

September 23, 2014 | 2014 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 160 Comments

by: Jay

I would say the Marshall Plan was a smashing success in an attempt to combat Soviet Communism back in 1948. Why Chicago was trying to invest $17 billion in aid to Europe last night was anyone’s guess, but that plan would have probably netted more yardage than Brandon Marshall. Despite the game looking somewhat unspectacular on paper (like how the Jets are not as bad as you would think, if you only look at them on paper), the game turned out to be what I expected last night, a dramatic and entertaining game mixed in with plenty of derp for good measure. The Derpmating, if you will. And while the Jets are a mistake-prone football team, their secondary did a good job against a vastly superior Chicago receiving core along with another strong effort from their front seven. The only problem is that the Bears were able to take advantage of those mistakes, even with their entire secondary dying in the second half.

Please, blog, may I have some more?