I know, I need a bath now too.  Here it is, week 17.  The final slate of games and it’s actually a full one; no TNF or MNF or TNF on SN where the ‘S’ is for ‘Saturday’ which they can’t use because that’s for ‘Sunday Night Football’.  Yup, 16 games ripe with intrigue and I lead off with talking Colin Kaepernick.  I guess my new year’s resolution is to lose readers.  WELP.  I know it’s hard to get with the idea of this.  Honestly, it’s hard to feel comfortable making the call for me too but here I am looking back on why I liked Russell Wilson last week and nothing has changed about the why.  Both are QBs who can run and Arizona rarely leaves a spy on the backfield to stop that from happening and don’t look now but Kap has now rushed for over 40 yards in back to back games and rushed at least 7 times.  Methinks the O-Co finally figured out that a Colin stuck in the pocket is a Colin wasted.  Not like crunk wasted, more like ‘not used correctly’ wasted.  It’s been a trying time for his seasonal owners.  Trust me, I know, I suffered through him in one in a two QB league.  Guess what?  I picked up Kyle Orton and he never saw the light of day again for my team.  But this is probably a Harbaugh swan song and I think he goes out and lets his guys do what they do and what Colin can do is run as showcased last week when he racked up 7/151/1 on the ground on his way to a 31.7 DK fantasy point night.  What was the passing line you ask?  Ehhhh…let’s not talk about that.  The point is, his rushing game was worth 24.1 alone.  I can’t say he’ll replicate but for a GPP go, I’m about to pop a Kap in dat and he has a cheap pairing partner that will also go under the radar…what, I ain’t tellin you now.  This is the epic last DK post for fantasy football of the year, I’m gonna make you suffer.  So strap in – or strap on, we won’t judge you – as we slide through this final go.  So with no further ado, here it is: my final hot take on 2014 fantasy football DK slate…

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Aaron Rodgers, QB: $8,600 – There are some things in life that I won’t eff with.  Ouija boards, women who are visting Aunt Flo, and Aaron Rodgers at home in a game with huge playoff seeding implications.  Numbers say it’s a bad matchup, I say A-Rod at home is cash money and there are gonna be some Simba ‘get up’ memes of Lions players out there come Monday.  GPP or cash

Tony Romo, QB: $8,000 – I’ll use this spot now to say there’s a nice range at QB for all your needs.  I’m guessing the full slate aids this but I don’t mind Romo in December (for once).  The line is still solid, DeMarco is banged up and the Cowboys are still technically playing for the #1 seed in the NFC.  Since the ‘hawks don’t play until 1:25, Romo gets to face the team that gives up the most to opposing QBs on the year on the road AND he’s had better numbers away from Dallas to boot.  You may have gambled away your wife’s Xmas gift at this point but maybe you can promise her your New Years resolution is double or nothing and start Romo.  GPP or cash

Eli Manning, QB, $7,100 – Surging vs regressing.  That’s the basic conversation when dealing with this matchup.  The Giants have figured out how to block enough for Eli to get the ball where it needs to be which is to OBJ – there’s your obligatory explanation of who his pairing is, FYI – and the Eagles secondary has become the Panthers secondary we used to abuse.  The book of Eli might go to 500 yards again this week.  GPP or cash

Teddy Bridgewater, QB: $5,900 – Slowly but surely, Teddy B became a force this year.  Bridgewater had back to back 300 yard passing games prior to last week when he still threw for 259.  The Vikings want to go out with a bang while the Bears go out with a whimper, especially at home.  A Vikings offensive onslaught seems destined just like Olivia Munn dumping A-Rod for me does.  What?  I just need to win a few GPPs, become athletically talented and have sex on game day.  Piece of cake!  GPP or cash

Derek Carr, QB: $5,300 – Is it scary that Denver is still playing for something and the Raiders away from home are nothing special?  In a word, YES.  Might’ve peed a little just thinking about it, honestly.  But the Raiders have played better of late and despite all the bad talk, 20 TDs on the year.  Given the Broncos’ propensity to let the QB score points after the game has already been decided, this matchup looks primed for a ‘who, what, huh?’ tourney play.  GPP only

Logan Thomas, QB: $5,000 – All reports say that Logan will play ‘at least a half’ vs the 49ers.  So here’s what you’re hoping for: he wows the coaches and gets to play a full 4 and his inconsistency clears up (at least for a game).  The 49ers can be run on at this point with all the injuries to their defense so you’re really hoping Logan gets a few goal line sneaks and a couple of big play throws that play in his favor.  Welcome to the tourney barrel.  GPP only

Arian Foster, RB: $7,900 – In theory, the Texans are still playing for something and if they’re playing for something they ain’t playin’ with nothin’.  It’s either Foster’s last game of the year or the game that’ll put Houston in the playoffs.  As Dan Fouts would say, either way, there’s no holding back now.  Given the Jags’ leaky defense all year against the run, expect a huge Foster day as the Texans try to make the playoffs (and ultimately fail at it but whatever).  GPP or cash

Marshawn Lynch, RB: $7,300 – We’ll see how the week plays out but if you want to pay up for a big week but don’t want to follow the sheeple, ya might wanna check your local candy aisle for some Skittles.  Lynch at home this year has been ‘that guy ya just wanna own’.  He’s scored 11 TDs total (10 on the ground) and has a good chance at getting over the 100 yard rushing marker for the 5th time on the year as Rams have been run on at home the last two games for a 4.5 YPC clip.  No way they stop Beast Mode in Seattle in this kind of game but thanks for askingGPP or cash

Justin Forsett, RB: $6,200 – The Ravens playoff hopes hang in the balance and the Browns are giving up the most fantasy points to opposing RBs over the last few weeks.  There are no puns needed here so I won’t Forsett…DAH.  GPP or cash

Fred Jackson, RB: $5,900 – Typically I’d say FJax is a cash game only play seeing as he doesn’t have 40 point upside on most weeks.  But given that he’s a receiving back and the goal line back, this could be one of those big 2 TD kinds of weeks for the old man.  The Pats on the year are near the bottom in receptions allowed to opposing backs on the year, setting FJax up for a potential big day given that the Pats have nothing to play for and since it’s not a sexy play, this one could fly one could fly under the radar.  GPP or cash

Matt Asiata, RB: $5,000 – Totally TD-dependent, Asiata is set well to have a good week but he’s gonna need the big goal line work week to be a worthwhile play.  Despite a great matchup against the fins last week, he only averaged 3.6 yards per carry.  That said, Matt is Pringles when it comes to TDs.  Once he pops, he can’t stop.  He’ll never score just one.  Totally the best analysis you’ve ever read.  GPP only

Alfred Morris, RB: $4,600 – You need 2 TDs and for him to break a 100 to consider him a great GPP play.  That said, given his much talked about numbers with and without RG3 at the helm and Dallas giving up 4.4 ypc to opposing backs on the year, the opportunity for The Butler to serve up something special is definitely on the menu.  GPP or cash

Jonas Gray, RB: $3,800 – Can you all hear me out there?  Sssh, be quiet but I’m currently inside Bill Belichick’s head.  It’s cold, dark and scary and filled with X’s and O’s and an image of Gronk with a kitten on his head.  I wanna get out of here as fast as possible but before I do, it looks like he’s also noticed the Bills giving up 4.3 ypc on the ground over the last 4 weeks and 4 TDs.  It also looks like he maybe thinks giving Gray another huge workload kind of day to keep Blount ready for the playoffs makes a lot of sense.  Oh God, he heard me, it’s time for me to go.  RUN!  GPP only

Branden Oliver, RB: $3,500 – As I’ve alluded to previously, the Chiefs can be run on and given it’ll be at Arrowhead – easily one of the loudest if not THE loudest stadium in football – the Chargers are gonna wanna take the air out of there pretty fast.  So why not hand it off, hand it off another time and hand it off some more?  Oliver isn’t the best running back but he’s the best the Chargers have right now.  Take advantage.  GPP only

Julio Jones, WR: $8,100 – Despite not practicing for two weeks, Jones dropped a 7/107 line on the Saints.  I’ll assume he’ll be a ‘game time decision’ this week as well since he didn’t practice heading into Friday, but as George Bush would say…GPP or cash.

Randle Cobb, WR: $7,300 – He didn’t get the TD splash last week for the Pack.  That was Jordy.  Jordy finished with 29.3 DK points.  Randle finished with 27.1.  Two measily points for an $1,100 price difference?  Thank you for cobbling together this deal for me.  GPP or cash

Mike Evans, WR: $6,100 – He’s cooled of late, only tallying 17 receptions and 203 total yards over his last 5 but still has 4 TDs in that span.  Given it’s the Saints secondary, Evans could finish with a flourish while Rob Ryan finishes his year (or career?) in anguish.  GPP or cash

Josh Gordon, WR: $5,900 – When a guy starts his year with 15/195 over two games and then disappears, you know something could be up.  But when the same said guy was the #1 fantasy wide receiver in 2013 despite missing 2 games of that season, you know that 5.9K is a decent price to gamble on.  Hopefully we see more Flash and less Hash Gordon this Sunday.  GPP only

Charles Johnson, WR: $4,600 – The cool thing about going with Teddy B this week is his pairing options are cheap and have high upside.  Yes, I said options as in plural.  We’ll discuss later…what needs to be said here?  The Bears are trash on defense.  We all know this.  I do think the Vikings treat this like a bowl game where we get to see the score run up against a beleaguered and overwhelmed foe.  Buh bye, Trestman.  It’s like Chicago bearly knew yee.  GPP or cash

Mohamed Sanu, WR: $4,000 – The Big If comes into play.  That big if’s last name is Green and it’s about whether or not he’s a healthy go.  Will he be a decoy or will he be the go to?  Dalton isn’t one to spread the ball around so you’re hoping it’s as a decoy because the Steelers defense is about as suspect as you can get.  Like, if they were Kevin Spacey in the Usual Suspects, you’d already know they were Keyzer Soze and throw them in the slammer.  GPP only

Heath Miller, TE: $4,500 – Big games call for Miller time…or something like that.  Interdivision games (or is it intra?  I can never tell!) make for weird matchups, especially when things are on the line.  Heath could have one of those random 10/83/1 lines you didn’t see coming.  And yes, if that’s his end line, you totally gotta throw some donation money Razzball’s way.  GPP or cash

Scott Chandler, TE: $3,500 – I’ll just point back to my ‘o’clock‘ write up of Scott and call it good.  GPP or cash

Mychal Rivera, TE: $3,300 – Rivera is as athletic as Jay-Z is handsome but sometimes, that doesn’t matter and you can still land yourself a Beyonce.  Just keep in mind that puts Solange closer to you.  Hrm, that really has nothing to do with Mychal…what was my point?  Eh whatever, it’s a good matchup because Denver gives up plenty to opposing TEs.  GPP or cash

Vernon Davis, TE: $3,000 – Remember how I said Kap had a sneaky pairing?  True story, I had a Russell Wilson LU in a couple of GPPs last weekend.  Two of them had a TE and the other had a naked go with him (we’re past this by now, stop snickering).  Unfortch, the naked go missed cashing by 1 point and the other two had Cooper Helfet and not Luke Willson.  I don’t think we have that problem in SF regarding TE because they have VD….hrm, coulda worded that better.  The Cards could be just the team to spark a huge Vernon day to end the year just to tick of his seaonal drafters.  GPP only

Chase Ford, TE: $3,000 – Similar to the Cardinals but much more pathetic in general, the Bears are giving up plenty to opposing TEs on the year.  Keep an eye on Rudolph’s injury status as well as Ford’s.  Either way, I’ve given you 4 Vikings in this writeup.  If that doesn’t have you feeling Minnesota, I don’t know what will.  GPP only

Green Bay Packers, DST: $3,100 – Let’s just pretend that by writing up Arian Foster and Marshawn Lynch, we’ve covered the SEA and HOU DST, ok?  Yes let’s.  For all the talk of Bortles being a sack machine on the year with 50, keep in mind Staff has been taken down 43 times on the year and GB is tied for 7th in the league with 39.  Capers is gonna be pretty exotic with his blitz packages.  I’m expecting a full Brazilian waxing of Stafford coming.  GPP or cash

Minnesota Vikings, DST: $2,900 – Five Vikings in this write up.  Seriously, I’m dedicating this post to the state of Minnesota at this point.  Minnesota’s defense has played very well all year but are even better at home.  I have no doubt Cutler will get some junk time play but not before we get a pick six in there somewhere.  GPP only

  1. J-FOH says:

    I’m predicting Jarius Wright to have a big day and I have nothing to back that up

    • Sky

      Sky says:

      I predict a big day for Mike Vick with the same convictions, then

      • J-FOH says:

        @Sky: I’m kidding, but I do like him as that guy who has a big day that shouldn’t otherwise. I commented about it in my post this morning

        • Sky

          Sky says:

          Against that Bears defense, all bets are off on who will go off but there’ll likely be at least 2 viable Vikings this weekend.

  2. Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:

    ok, out since Nov 28th, what’s up with Nick? I know he’s not pulling a Guru (and i’ve talked to you guys about him), but is it something to that effect?

  3. Montezuma's Revenge... right now says:

    gotta love Lynch, that’s exactly how i’d treat media if i was in his spot. I gotta make the
    “Thanks For Axing”shirt.

    • Sky

      Sky says:

      Haha, i saw that! Also ended up in some Belgium, Australian and I think South American internet rags. Of all of my tweets I ever thought would get retweeted 50 times, that was definitely not the one.

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