So, if you don’t know what to make of this year so far, join my club. I just started it, but looking at the numbers… yes, it appears the entire Earth is already a member. There are so many fascinating and ridiculous and unfortunate and just plain dumb things happening all around us this year, it’s no wonder that Wes Welker took a Molly. Wait a second… WHAT IF WE’RE ALL ON MOLLY? It’s almost as if Rust Cohle is writing my life at the moment. “Someone once told me, ‘Time is a flat circle.’ Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again.” Alright-alright-alright. I’ll be sure to tell my grand kids about that. In the meantime, I’ll have to seek out some kind of solution as how to grasp the events that this season has wrought upon us all. I hear whiskey is nice this time of the year…
Chagers – 22, Bills – 10
Donald Brown – 31 CAR, 62 YDS and 5 CAR, 27 YDS. I still feel like I get to say I told you so here, seeing as how his YPG makes Trent Richardson look like, I don’t know, a somewhat (emphasis on somewhat) flex option… probably. Look for Brown to get the majority of carries from here on out (remember, Danny Woodhead was listed as the starter for a reason), but I wouldn’t expect gaudy RB1 numbers here. And keep an eye on Branden Oliver, especially in deep leagues.
Danny Woodhead – 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Suffered a severe high ankle sprain with a fractured fibular on the first drive of the game and will need season-ending surgery. Maybe if he rubs some grit into it, he’ll be fine?
Keenan Allen – 2 REC, 17 YDS. Just be patient. Breathe. Breathe. AH, AH, breath…
Antonio Gates – 1 REC, 8 YDS. There are going to be days like this, especially after a game where he goes off. Defenses tend to focus on him a bit more, allowing bit-players like Malcom Floyd and Eddie Royal to contribute.
Fred Jackson – 6 CAR, 34 YDS and 8 REC, 78 YDS, 1 TD. I find this tandem the worst in the NFL, only because you have to decide which back will the the most productive, and whichever one you go with, the other is the producer for that day.
Cowboys – 34, Rams – 31
Terrence Williams – 2 REC, 32 YDS, 1 TD. Terrence Williams sighting! I was getting worried, it’s been three weeks since I’ve seen him.
Zac Stacy – 12 CAR, 67 YDS and 5 REC, 54 YDS. Was present, if not spectacular. Cunningham continued to look good in spurts (eww), and Trey Watts proved he exists on the team, but Stacy still remains the lead back.
Brian Quick – 2 REC, 62 YDS, 1 TD. He’s my new Kenny Stills, in that he’s a sleeper wide receiver that’ll not produce as soon as I say something positive about him. So drop him everywhere. Don’t do that.
Washington Football Team – 34, Eagles – 37
Nick Foles – 27/41, 325 YDS, 3 TD and 4 CAR, 12 YDS. Foles must’ve had a firm talking to by his mother before the game. Next Sunday, he’ll have to perfect his one-step drop with the collection of turnstiles that are going to be in front of him.
LeSean McCoy – 19 CAR, 22 YDS and 1 REC, 0 YDS. I know the OL was in shambles, but Shady did not look right after the big hit he took in the 1st half. He did leave briefly to be checked for a concussion, but the results were negative. Still, he just looked off, and that is my professional medical opinion. So probably don’t take me seriously.
Jeremy Maclin – 8 REC, 154 YDS, 1 TD. 900 yards of offense with none of it going to McCoy or Sproles? I call bullsh*t.
DeSean Jackson – 5 REC, 117 YDS, 1 TD. THE DJAX ATTAX. Now with more gang affiliations!
Texans – 17, Giants – 30
Victor Cruz – 5 REC, 107 YDS, 1 TD. All it took for Cruz to breakthrough was to play a team that, to many, doesn’t even exist.
Alfred Blue – 13 CAR, 78 YDS and 1 REC, 10 YDS. Did most of his damage on just a few runs, and while he is the official handcuff, there’s nothing here that motivates me to grab him from the waiver wire unless you own Arian Foster, is expected to be ready on Sunday. Which means he’s probably out 4-6 weeks.
Vikings – 9, Saints – 20
Titans – 7, Bengals – 33
Andy Dalton – 15/23, 169 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, 3 YDS and 1 REC, 18 YDS, 1 TD. Strangely enough, got his only TD as receiver from a Mohamed Sanu pass, leading me to believe that perhaps they should make this switch a permanent thing.
Giovani Bernard – 14 CAR, 47 YDS, 2 TD and 1 REC, 7 YDS. Despite the two touchdowns, I continue to be kind of meh on Bernard. His best run was a 12-yard gain, and Jeremy Hill continues to be a factor.
Bishop Sankey – 10 CAR, 61 YDS and 1 REC, 9 YDS. Sankey finally emerged from wherever was hiding, and while Shonn Greene is still the primary back, if you still own Sankey, this is nothing but good news. If you have space, I’d try to get him back on your team as his role hopefully expands.
Kendall Wright – 5 REC, 44 YDS. I may have gotten this one wrong. He’s certainly still PPR viable, and I’ll withhold judgement for a bit longer, but I’m not liking what I’m seeing from this offense so far.
Ravens – 23, Browns – 21
Lorenzo Taliaferro – 18 CAR, 91 YDS, 1 TD. While Bernard Pierce is likely to be starting next Sunday, Taliaferro’s role has to expand with yesterday’s production, and he’s certainly worthy of a waiver wire add, league context withstanding of course.
Dennis Pitta – 3 REC, 12 YDS. You know it’s a bad injury when they need two separate carts to take Pitta off. He suffered a right hip dislocation, the same hip Pitta dislocated and fractured in 2013. He’ll undergo a MRI later today, but it looks likely that he’s done for the season. Owen Daniels is now the primary tight end, which makes me feel like I traveled back in time to 2009. WHY DO YOU TAKE OUR PLAYERS SO YOUNG, LORD?
Isiah Crowell – 11 CAR, 55 YDS, 1 TD. Cue everyone falling all over themselves to pick up Isaiah Crowell. Yes, he was more effective than West, but if everything stays on schedule, Ben Tate should be returning in Week 5, which complicates everything.
Miles Austin – 6 CAR, 51 YDS, 1 TD. Hey, a Miles Austin sighting. Now I know for sure I traveled back in time to 2009.
Packers – 7, Lions – 19
Aaron Rodgers – 16/27, 162 YDS, 1 TD. It’s so easy to blame Dom Capers, I’m going to keep doing it.
Eddie Lacy – 11 CAR, 36 YDS and 1 REC, 9 YDS. Who replaced Eddie Lacy with David Wilson? I’m not panicking yet, but I do feel concerned. Should you feel concerned that I’m concerned? Maybe. He has gone against three-straight good rushing defenses, so let’s see how he fares with the Chicago Bears, who will be playing on a short week.
Jordy Nelson – 5 REC, 59 YDS. Hey, where did all my Jordy points go?
Colts – 44, Jaguars – 17
Ahmad Bradshaw – 9 CAR, 65 YDS and 2 REC, 18 YDS, 1 TD – Making me look prescient. Pretty is another ‘p’ word we can go with here.
Trent Richardson – 14 CAR, 57 YDS and 3 REC, 23 YDS. Had one run for 27 yards (yes… forward yards… these things happen against the Jags), and then proceeded to carry the ball 13 times for 30 yards for a 2.14 YPC. Sounds. About. Right.
Dwayne Allen – 4 REC, 43 YDS, 1 TD. I still think he’s the better tight end and would expect him to finish the year with better numbers, but Coby Fleener is still sticking around for some reason. I’m not quite sure what that reason is yet…
Hakeem Nicks – 4 REC, 50 YDS, 1 TD. What? Hakeem Nicks AND Touchdown in the same sentence, not bridged with the phrase ‘drops a sure’? WHAT WORLD IS THIS?
Toby Gerhart – 9 CAR, 32 YDS and 2 REC, 31 YDS. Uhhh, yeah. Go home Toby, you’re drunk.
Raiders – 9, Patriots – 16
Tom Brady – 24/37, 234 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, -7 YDS. Hard for me to try and sink the Dreamboat, but something’s off. I can’t exactly pinpoint it, but I’m going to have to assume that he hasn’t been fulfilling his daily regiment of wearing Uggs for at least 21 hours.
Rob Gronkowski – 3 REC, 44 YDS, 1 TD. The strategy of using Gronk as little as possible to keep him healthy seems to be working so far.
49ers – 14, Cardinals – 23
Drew Stanton – 18/33, 244 YDS, 2 TD and 6 CAR, 16 YDS. The strategy of bombing it and hoping someone catches it appears to have finally worked. I’m still not quite sure how the 49ers lost to the Bears, and that feeling stayed with me after this game as well. Maybe there just not that good? Then again, the Cardinals are 3-0. WEIRD.
Michael Floyd – 5 REC, 114 YDS. Raise your hand if this is the game you sat him. I count 498,654,112,564 hands. That feels like a correct number.
Larry Fitzgerald – 3 REC, 34 YDS. I get the profound feeling that Stanton is just trolling all Fitzgerald owners. New game: Guess what Larry Fitzgerald did that resulted in him no longer being part of the Cards offense… go!
Colin Kaepernick – 29/37, 245 YDS, 1 TD and 13 CAR, 54 YDS. A pretty up-and-down day for an up-and-down quarterback. Which makes him sound like he’s getting in some good glute workouts. I haven’t even thought about Week 4 rankings yet, but the Eagles match-up seems like a good one at the moment.
Chiefs – 34, Dolphins – 15
Kniles Davis – 32 CAR, 132 YDS, 1 TD. 1 FUM. He actually fumbled twice, but only lost one… still, a pretty good day. Jamaal Charles looks set to return next week against New England, but you obviously have to hold here and see how everything plays out.
Justin McKnight – 6 REC, 64 YDS, 2 TD. It’s hard to prove, but I’m pretty sure both those touchdowns were vultured from Davis.
Brian Hartline – 3 REC, 25 YDS, 1 TD. Brian Hartline… outperforming Larry Fitzgerald for 2014. Let’s think about that for a minute.
Broncos – 20, Seahawks – 26
Peyton Manning – 31/49, 303 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Peyton’s going to murder everyone, Papa Johns-only diet for a month.
“You ever get tired of throwing touchdowns?” “Not until February…”
Montee Ball – 14 CAR, 38 YDS and 2 REC, 6 YDS. Well, the Broncos’ running game definitely isn’t a huge waste of anyone’s time and an excuse to burn perfectly good downs. I mean, more like Monte “fumbling the ” Ball, amirght? Just sayin’…
Demaryius Thomas – 4 REC, 31 YDS. So is throwing to your #1 receiver not a popular thing to do nowadays?
Wes Welker – 6 REC, 60 YDS. THIS GUY WES WELKER, LET ME TELL YA, I CALL HIM WHISKEY IN THE JAR BECAUSE HE TOOK MOLLY WITH HIM BUT DID NOT KNOW THE DANGER.
Steelers – 37, Panthers – 19
Antonio Brown – 10 REC, 90 YDS, 2 TD. Antonio Brown is going to lead the league in horizontal yards after the catch. Honestly, no one runs 45 yards sideways and backwards to gain three yards of forward progress like Brown does.
Heath Miller – 4 REC, 51 YDS. Heath Miller is the fastest stationary object in the league.
Jonathan Stewart – 5 CAR, 31 YDS. Remains the primary rushing option for the Panthers, which is a ridicolous concept. Every time I see him run, he looks like he wants to hit the pause button in the middle of the play to figure things out.
Kelvin Benjamin – 8 REC, 115 YDS, 1 TD. He’s apparently just a WR3 in even-numbered weeks and a WR1 in odd-numbered weeks. Protip: Next Sunday is Week 4.