While many of us wondered why we would ever watch a Colts and
Texans Oilers (their momma named ’em the Oilers, so I’m going to call ’em the Oilers) Sunday Night Football game, you have to remember that we all make bad life decisions. I mean, what’s the NLCS anyways? Is that like the LGBT or something? But hey, sometimes the games that you give zero efs about with no one to cheer for turn out great. This was not one of those times, at least not until the fourth quarter where we suddenly found ourselves in overtime (where I immediately said to myself: “sh*t, we’re in overtime”). Since the Texans Oilers aren’t a real team, it probably made a lot of sense there was a fairytale ending (thanks in large part to that amazing catch by Jaelen Strong shown above). On top of that, you might wonder why we’re talking about the Texans Oilers, and I’d like to use it as a fantasy football segue… Week 6 is behind us and at this point, and you should know where you are in the great and very metaphorical fantasy football landscape. Much like how the Texans Oilers, now at 4-2, know that they are a team that is in the hunt for the playoffs, they could use a little bit more help from certain players, and a little bit luck to make their push. I’d like to think that describes a majority of fantasy teams out there right now, minus the whole Brock Osweiler thing. What I’m saying here might even describe fantasy teams that find themselves atop their respective leagues, but unfortunately, probably not the teams that find themselves at the bottom with an 0-6 record. Coming back from such a deficit may not be worth thinking about, so in times like this when you are way behind (something I’m quite familiar with… something we all are), my recommendation is to drink up. I mean, don’t drink too much… motionless and face down is not how I want to see anybody. (There’s a great Bill Cosby joke around here somewhere, but I’ll settle for: I’ll take “Things Darren Sharper has never said” for $1,000 Alex.) But if you’re one of the teams lagging a bit behind, let’s say you are 1-5 or 2-4, and desperate hope combined with dark wizardry are the only vehicles driving your will to play until another fantasy obsession distracts you (granted, Texans Oilers games are technically considered torture porn, if that’s your thing), well, now is the time to do wild stuff. Do some crazy trades, make some risky decisions, just let all your inhibitions go. True, this might be like buying an extra bottle of Centrum Silver to help fight stage four lung cancer, but… you’ve got nothing to lose. And for those of you are in the middle of all this mess? Well then, that’s why Razzball is here. Oh, and if you’re a Colts or Texans Oilers fan, I’d appreciate it if you found some different teams to like…
DaVante Adams – 2 REC, 34 YDS, 17.0 AVG, 22 LONG, 3 TGTS. Speaking of Adams career, I was wondering, in Green Bay, are they really screaming “boooooooooo” or “brieeeeeeeeee”?
Jay Ajayi – 25 CAR, 204 YDS, 8.2 AVG, 2 TD, 62 LONG and 1 REC, 3 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 3 LONG, 2 TGTS. During times like this, I like to combine Viagra with whiskey shots and see which one wins. Okay, so, I don’t think this is a trend yet, it’s pretty obvious that Arian Foster wasn’t 100% yet and Mike Tomlin decided to have one of his away game derps, which is about twice a season, so while I think Ajayi is back on the hype train, I’d hold onto Foster for now.
Cole Beasley – 6 REC, 58 YDS, 9.7 AVG, 2 TD, 19 LONG, 6 TGTS. So, his nickname has to be Clean Coal Beasley, right?
Odell Beckham Jr. – 8 REC, 222 YDS, 27.8 AVG, 2 TD, 75 LONG, 10 TGTS. Holy sh*t, Odell. #Analysis.
Arrelious Benn – 1 REC, 51 YDS, 51.0 AVG, 1 TD, 51 LONG, 1 TGTS. Can’t quite tell if that’s the name of an ancient Roman emperor or a Star Wars bartender…
Blake Bortles – 20/33, 271 YDS, 8.2 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 84.3 RTG and 3 CAR, 1 YDS, 0.3 AVG, 3 LONG. The Jaguars have won two in a row. We’re on the verge of a Cleveland Indians and Chicago Cubs World Series. These are the end times everyone, and I just want to say: “It’s been nice knowing y’all”! (Oh wait, but the Browns still suck… so maybe there’s still a small slimmer of hope for normalcy?)
Randall Cobb – 7 REC, 53 YDS, 7.6 AVG, 1 TD, 17 LONG, 11 TGTS. The Packers throwback uniforms look like they meant to show up for a polo game, but forgot their horses and decided to try and play football instead. Which actually could explain a lot of their issues this year when you think about it…
Kirk Cousins – 18/34, 263 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 85.8 RTG and 2 CAR, 8 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 9 LONG. I guess Cousins felt like he needed to get back to the things he does best, which is be Andy Dalton-lite. (Now with 100% less ginger!)
Isaiah Crowell – 9 CAR, 16 YDS, 1.8 AVG, 11 LONG and 2 REC, 20 YDS, 10.0 AVG, 11 LONG, 2 TGTS. I suspect that for the rest of the season, I will randomly giggle to myself, and the reason will be the Browns…
Vernon Davis – 2 REC, 50 YDS, 25.0 AVG, 1 TD, 37 LONG, 4 TGTS. Vernon Davis, back from the grave… Speaking of which, where’s Niles Paul? Remember when he was a thing? I’m only saying because I miss my Nile River jokes.
Ezekiel Elliott – 28 CAR, 157 YDS, 5.6 AVG, 29 LONG and 2 REC, 17 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 15 LONG, 4 TGTS. Ezekiel Elliot is the best Amish player in the league. Or, more specifically, he’s the best running back in the league with the most Amish name possible. By the way, I’m not sure I want to live in a world in which the Cowboys are the best overall team in the NFC…
Zach Ertz – 1 REC, 22 YDS, 22.0 AVG, 22 LONG, 3 TGTS. ZACH “MY HANDZ” ERTZ, amiright?
Joe Flacco – 26/48, 307 YDS, 6.4 AVG, 73.9 RTG. As I always say, I’m no NFL coach, but perhaps the Elite One’s time for checking down should be over and done with?
Todd Gurley – 14 CAR, 58 YDS, 4.1 AVG, 15 LONG and 4 REC, 39 YDS, 9.8 AVG, 13 LONG, 4 TGTS. Did some time-traveler step on a butterfly in the Amazon jungle recently? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills every Sunday when I write about Todd Gurley.
Julio Jones – 7 REC, 139 YDS, 19.9 AVG, 1 TD, 36 LONG, 9 TGTS. After another solid performance by Jones, especially against a pretty good Seahawks defense, you’d have to feel like the Falcons just got robbed losing the game the way they did. Then again, they’re from Atlanta, so they should be used to that sort of thing.
Matt Jones – 16 CAR, 135 YDS, 8.4 AVG, 1 TD, 57 LONG. Either Washington’s offense is way better than I thought, or the Eagles defense has been overachieving thus far. What this blurb presupposes is, why not both?
Jordan Howard – 15 CAR, 34 YDS, 2.3 AVG, 1 TD, 9 LONG and 2 REC, 6 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 7 LONG, 4 TGTS. “If in the future you would not associate me with the Bears I’ll consider not suing you.” – Fart Noises.
DeAndre Hopkins – 9 REC, 71 YDS, 7.9 AVG, 12 LONG, 15 TGTS. 12 yards was the longest pass to Hopkins? Wow, this pick-up team that barely beat the Colts should be ashamed for the fact they made Indy’s defense look competent.
Colin Kaepernick – 13/29, 187 YDS, 6.4 AVG, 1 TD, 77.8 RTG and 8 CAR, 66 YDS, 8.3 AVG, 29 LONG. IT’S KAEPPENING. So, here’s my hot take: Chip Kelly just continues to reveal every ridiculous thing about himself as a coach on a week-to-week basis, all of which should have been made obvious from the beginning by the fact that a 52-year-old man still calls himself “Chip”. In addition, since I’m already going… the halftime break of this game with the CBS crew (where you could replace “crew” with “idiotic waste of time and money”) was spent telling us how Kaepernick needs to stick to sports and not be a liability to his team. Adding into the fact that they basically called OBJ a fuc boi… and hell, why not throw in the NFL’s rule changes with celebrations and whatnot… these people honestly have no idea how much they’re on the wrong side of history with all this whitesplaining. Then again, when I switched it to Fox, Terry Bradshaw was doing his usual “half time recap with a stroke” shtick, so the mute button really earned it’s money yesterday is what I’m trying to say. Also what I’m trying to say? I love NFL football but I hate the NFL right now. But hey, at least Joe Buck was gone doing baseball, so… it’s the small things I guess.
Eddie Lacy – 17 CAR, 65 YDS, 3.8 AVG, 25 LONG and 1 REC, 6 YDS, 6.0 AVG, 6 LONG, 1 TGTS. “Nice run Eddie! You’re out for the rest of the game, take a seat.” – Mike McCarthy. Seriously, why does McCarthy keep running that formation from 1953 that has gained zero yards this entire decade? Might as well call the Cowboys defense Arthur Miller…
Eli Manning – 32/46, 403 YDS, 8.8 AVG, 3 TD, 2 INT, 100.2 RTG. So, at 15 wins and with no team under .500, the NFC East is the best division in football. There’s a Clinton running for president. And this Eli Manning looks like a 23-year-old Peyton, but with down syndrome… so I’m going to go ahead and assume the early 90’s is just repeating itself. Let’s all go buy tech stocks everyone!
Marcus Mariota – 17/24, 284 YDS, 11.8 AVG, 3 TD, 1 INT, 132.6 RTG and 7 CAR, 64 YDS, 9.1 AVG, 41 LONG. I am fairly convinced if one of us could throw a football at least 20 yards, we could collectively torch the Browns secondary.
LeSean McCoy – 19 CAR, 140 YDS, 7.4 AVG, 3 TD, 38 LONG and 2 REC, 2 YDS, 1.0 AVG, 2 LONG, 3 TGTS. Reports of Shady’s demise have been greatly exaggerated. And while it’s easy to say: “At this point, I don’t see why Rex Ryan doesn’t just direct snap the ball to McCoy every play”, you have to remember that we’d probably have to start calling him LeSean McCorpse.
Ty Montgomery – 10 REC, 98 YDS, 9.8 AVG, 15 LONG, 12 TGTS. NEVER go full Mike McCarthy, or you get something like this.
Jordy Nelson – 5 REC, 68 YDS, 13.6 AVG, 25 LONG, 7 TGTS. “Grit in psychology is a positive, non-cognitive trait based on an individual’s passion for a particular long-term goal or end state, coupled with a powerful motivation to achieve their respective objective.” I’ve never heard a better description for the caliber of Nelson’s skill combined with his whiteness. Which probably means Rodgers is going to rub sandpaper on Jordy’s nipples later today. Hey, if it works, who cares?
Cam Newton – 27/47, 322 YDS, 6.9 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 83.8 RTG and 2 CAR, 1 YDS, 0.5 AVG, 1 TD, 2 LONG. Question: what is the highest heat level going to be with all the Panthers’ hot takes later today? Molten tungsten?
— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) October 16, 2016
Dak Prescott – 18/27, 247 YDS, 9.1 AVG, 3 TD, 1 INT, 1117.4 RTG and 1 CAR, 6 YDS, 6 LONG. I’m still in the process of creating different verbs and adjectives with Dak, all in hopes of matching the pun-repertoire I once had with Tony Romo… (i.e. Romolicious, Romonobyl, etc.) The top ones so far are Daklemore (for all those Macklemore moments), Dakpocalypse Now (for when he decides to honor Tony Romo by choking), and Redakted (for those times when you wish he didn’t do that). But don’t worry, Tony Romo can still hold the ball on field goals. Double-J will find work for him, you can count on that.
Aaron Rodgers – 31/42, 294 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 90.8 RTG and 3 CAR, 7 YDS, 2.3 AVG, 9 LONG. We secretly replaced Aaron Rodgers with Colt McCoy. Let’s see if anyone noticed… I mean, Aaron Rodgers bet heavily on the Cowboys to win the game, that is the only explanation for what I watched yesterday. OR, is Brett Favre the kryptonite to Rodgers? If I remember correctly, he sh*t the bed last year when they retired his jersey, and pretty much did the same yesterday with Favre there. Is it a form of tribute, an homage? Did Aaron Rodgers decide to drop DirecTV and get cable? WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Ben Roethlisberger – 19/34, 189 YDS, 5.6 AVG, 1 TD, 2 INT, 57.1 RTG. The Ben is known for forcing it from time to time… sooo yeah. Anyhow, Roethlisberger
stated that he’s going to undergo an MRI on his sore knee later today, so look out for that. Has had surgery on his knee earlier today and is out for an undisclosed amount of time.
Tyrod Taylor – 17/26, 179 YDS, 6.9 AVG, 2 TD, 110.9 RTG and 8 CAR, 68 YDS, 8.5 AVG, 21 LONG. Seemed like the Niners defense took Kaepernick’s leadership too seriously and refused to stand up to the red, white, and blue.
Spencer Ware – 24 CAR, 131 YDS, 5.5 AVG, 1 TD, 45 LONG and 2 REC, 32 YDS, 16.0 AVG, 30 LONG, 2 TGTS. People are telling me this, the best people, believe me, that this is what happens when you take jobs away from good American running backs named Jamaal. SAD!