The Guru

Jam it or Cram it: Last Call in the Razzball Lounge

December 17, 2013 | Fantasy Football, Waiver Wire | 78 Comments

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Welcome once again my festive fake footballers to the Razzball Lounge. Championship week has arrived. As the Fantasy Football season comes to it’s merciful end, it’s time for one more visit to the lounge where we fake football scribes have gathered for our annual Razzball Holiday Spooktacular. It’s that time of year where we don our Santa hats, show off our Christmas balls and toss back warm eggnog spiked with a combination of Canadian Club and rohypnol. The ladies love it! As championship weekend approaches, we find a humbug filled Sky slowly rocking back and forth muttering the words “muscle hamster” over and over. There’s JB settled under the Christmas tree like a drunken Linus, “Did Santa bring me a Luke Kuechly jersey?” At the jukebox we find J-FOH dropping quarters, playing “The Hanukkah Song” for the fifth time and singing, “drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah…” *bottle smashes above head* Meanwhile, the one and only Tehol Beddict asks this young lady, “Wanna see my Festivus pole??” And here at the pool table is your humble holiday sweater wearing Guru contemplating his final jammer/crammer list of fantasy ballers that’ll score you the Shiva, bragging rights and maybe enough cash to spend New Years in Vegas. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, throws up on waitress* “God bless us, every one.”

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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JB Gilpin

RCL Football Update: Week 15

December 17, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Commenter Leagues, Razzball Writers League | 10 Comments

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2013 RCL Football Razzball Nation!  The semis are in the books, and it all comes down to the championship.  Unless, of course, you lost by 10 in the Writer’s League because someone just happened to have Justin Tucker…  Bitter!  Public service announcement, the standings won’t be updated until the playoffs have completed, and the grand champion will be announced after Christmas, probably December 27.  Yes, even Razzball gets some Holiday time off!  You can still check out the full interactive 2013-2014 RCL Standings tab up under “Leagues” that shows you how you stacked up against your Razzball competitors before the playoffs in your quest for an RCL title.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sky

Ravens Played With Their Offense Tucker’d Between Their Legs

December 17, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 87 Comments

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Seriously, I shouldn’t have to be writing this lead. This is fantasy football, right? We’re talking about a fake sport where we want to crush our opponents with an amazing game or two from some star players, right? Well Baltimore don’t care, people. This offense has been stuck in neutral all year and – no surprise – so has most of the fantasy worth surrounding the team. Even good matchups haven’t been exploited to the extent they could be. Detroit’s secondary should’ve been torched tonight and they were able to move the ball plenty on jump balls. It was like watching the 2012 season all over again. I like to think of it as the chuck and pray offense. Well, last year a lot of prayers were answered. This year, not so much. Baltimore can move the ball fairly well but haven’t been able to do much of anything with their opportunities once they get close in. And that’s why I have to talk about a kicker. Well, that and the Lions offense was a bit of a bore so that didn’t help. Either way, Justin Tucker has probably helped more than one fantasy team get to their respective Super Bowl this week and I gotta tell ya…I’m not happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you got in. Yes you. You know I’d follow you to the ends of the Earth and back. So here’s to you…you. But no, it’s just further proof to me that kickers have entirely too much sway on the outcome of this game we play. Of Justin’s 6 field goals, I’d say 2 of them were legit and the rest was just more Ravens offense failure. I already went over my disgust with the kicker position this summer. I don’t think I can cover it any better. Ok, I probably could’ve but much like Allen Iverson and practice, we talkin’ bout kickers. Not a game, no not a game…kickers. So here’s to you, the team that is strutting its stuff on their way to the big game on the big leg of a kicker who may not even finish top 5 at his position next year if the Ravens can figure out what the end zone looks like. In other fantasy news…ok, ok I know you all wanna know where I went last weekend and why I had JB covering me for the week 15 rundown. Well, I got to go to this little thing called the Playboy Mansion. You know, no biggie. Just me, my Fantasy Baseball compadre Grey Albright, and the handsome SOB I pretended I was all weekend Tehol Beddict. Since there’s no Thursday Night Football, we might see what we can do to give a taste of the event we went to on Friday but I hold no promises as I should probably be sleeping for the next five days just to make up for the evil I did to myself with an open bar. I think even my fingers have a hangover right now…neverthewhoo! Let’s get on with it…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
JB Gilpin

The Razzball Football Podcast – The Last One Where We Mock 2014

December 16, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Razzball Podcast | 2 Comments

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2013 is [mostly] in the books!  And it’s our final episode of the year.  Instead of sapping up for the finals, we decide to end on an optimistic fashion forward note where we mock the first 2 rounds of the 2014 draft.  And I have to say, it got pretty crazy in there.  Nick mocked me, I mocked Nick, I apparently made a joke JayWrong made last week.  It was a mess!  Can you tell we drank away our playoff losing sorrows with egg nog and gin?  A lot of uncertainty will make next year’s draft a lot of fun, and probably nothing close to the lunacy we went through today… If you’re in the finals, good luck in getting that championship and I hope everyone had a fantastic 2013 season!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
JB Gilpin

Charles Shows Us Oakland’s D Is Turrible

December 16, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 50 Comments

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Razzball Nation!  I’m filling in for Sky this morning in the football recap, as Sky was called by Al Davis for a possible CB job opening.  That would be scary for multiple reasons!  Man Oakland was brutal.  Long live the Chiefs offense!  Jamaal Charles had a historic game (6th highest fantasy output in non-PPR since 1960), making the Raiders D look worse than some of those Raiders costumes.  The real Rocky Horror Picture Show was the pass D, as JC Superstar enlightened fantasy owners with 8 catches (on 8 targets) for 195 yards and 4 TDs.  Plus an extra 20 on the ground with a score there.  Straight video game numbers!  “RB screen, X, X, X!”  Actually that sounds like a porn title.  I’ll have to ask Tehol about that one.  Charles has been effing fantastic this year, and I think easily the fantasy MVP.  Sure you could argue Peyton Manning, but if you have JC and you’re somehow not waltzing through the playoffs than you only have yourself to blame!  Is he fantasy’s #1 pick next year?  I don’t see how you could resist.  If someone really wanted Adrian Peterson, I’d turn to them after that pick ala the 1,000-year old dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and go “he chose poorly…”  While some teams had their dreams melt away, others are marching into the finals with the rest of the week 15 happenings…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
JB Gilpin

Last Second Decisions – The Semis

December 15, 2013 | Last Second Decisions | 140 Comments

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Ahhhh the throes of December… The playoffs are here!  Or if you’re in a 6-team playoff league, then you’re still alive!  Because I doubt you’d be reading otherwise…  The playoffs are all about the hot team at the right time.  I mean, look at the Giants for Pete sake.  Or is it Pete’s sake?  Who is Pete?  Texas Pete?

Last week I told you about my playoff strategy – it’s the same as any other week.  Award winning analysis!  But seriously, it’s fantasy football and you have your line-up and you’re leaning one way or another.  It’s just as important to win week 2 as it is to win this week.  Well maybe not really, but you’re still fielding whoever you feel best and I don’t think you tinker just based on “this guy has been better most of the year and got me here…” or any of that hoopla.  But if you do have any coin flips or any of the late season injuries plaguing the league, I’ve got some LSD for ya!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
J-FOH

The Handcuff Report – Knile Davis Is Fermenting Some Bitches Brew

December 13, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Handcuff Report | 39 Comments

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Knile Davis is getting some real love from Andy Reid these days. Maybe it was all those layers he had to work through? Maybe it’s because the Chiefs are a lock for the playoffs? I don’t really care, it’s here and it’s real. Reid acknowledges that Knile needs more touches and after last weeks audition I would have a hard time arguing against that. Our valiant leader Sky wrote about Knile already once this week, so at least we know that I really know how to suck up to the boss. Great job Sky! Looking good in that new mock turtle neck! The Chiefs offense is like small ball in baseball, mostly because Smith can’t throw farther than 20 yards, or so it appears, and like to pound it out and dump passes to the closest guy in a red and white jersey. I know I might be exaggerating a little here, but I have my reasons…Whiskey. If Knile gets his shot this week, and I’m 99% sure we see 15 touches from Knile, then what we got here might be a winner. The Broncos lost to the Chargers so the door is open and I think the Chiefs come out and knock the crap out of the Raiders. This leads to Davis getting those touches as they run it out against the Raiders and also evaluate a weapon that has been under utilized. Like Sky said, he’s a flex play this week in PPR formats and is probably in a better UPSIDE position than those with a better floor. Next week is the more ideal, but I could see him getting some run.

You might not be in the championship and you might be playing for pride….you always should play for pride. Regardless of where you are, players are still good to stash and use. Here’s a few others that might make some week 15, 16 and 17 play.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andrew Nordmeier

Sawbones Scribings Week 15 – Gronk Hurt. Gronk Done. Gronk Sad.

December 13, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Injury Report | 12 Comments

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Doc is back and has another room full of patients after last week’s spate of season-ending injuries.

Rob Gronkowski was lost for the season after tearing two ligaments in his knee. Arizona lost safety Tyrann Mathieu to a torn ACL and LCL which ends his strong rookie season. Baltimore wide receiver Brandon Stokely suffered a concussion and is done for the season. Green Bay put seldom-used receiver Myles White on IR with a knee injury and it leaves the Packers few options in the passing game. Brandon Jacobs of the Giants is done after getting a cartilage graft in his left knee.

You get the idea. People are dropping like flies at the end of the season but most of them aren’t fantasy-relevant which makes it easier to sift through the impacts of said injuries.

Gronkowski being done makes Danny Amendola and Julian Edelman better options, especially in PPR formats. When you factor in Kenbrell Thompkins (hip) being questionable for this week, it makes both of those wide receivers Tom Brady’s top targets. Shane Vereen is also back there too but when it comes to deep passes he really has two choices.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
LT Murray IV

Hard Targets: Ben Tate Goes Flaccid Yet Again

December 13, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 26 Comments

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F#ck if your favorite writer dies, to me that’s my spot. I’ll celebrate his burial and eat at Ihop. Greetings ya’ll! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, Razzball’s resident mankini model and fantasy savant. Just because I get paid to flex my toned glutes, doesn’t in any way mean I can’t guide you to glory on the fantasy football field. It’s understandable that one would think there’s no way I could find the time to analyze each and every player in the NFL due to the fact I spend 6 hours a day doing Bobby Brown pushups and another 4 flexing in the mirror, but it is so. Having spare wenches around to massage my ass with warm milk while I watch game film is a major plus and without those Beddict groupies I’d be useless. We are now in crunch time and there is no time to waste my friends. I can only write about my bronzed buns for so long. Once your erection finally withers away move on to some in depth playa talk. Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sky

Ryan Mathews Found Things To Do In Denver While Everyone Thought He Was Dead

December 13, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 129 Comments

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It’s hard to trust certain guys. No, I’m not talking about the real world here, people. This isn’t a suggestion to the ladies of the world to be careful out there but since we’re on the subject: Hey. Ladies of the world out there. Be careful. No, I’m talking about guys who’ve burned us in the past in the fantasy football world. They’ve failed us at big intervals or came on too late in the season for it to matter. Or maybe they’ve had a bad year or two in the past coupled with health issues. You drew an ‘X’ through their name in red marker, put a yuk sticker on them and wrote ‘DO NOT TOUCH’ when draft day rolled around. But sometimes these guys we write off surprise us. Yes, seemingly out of nowhere, fantasy guys we loved and now love to hate can become studs. It’s not always an overnight process but it feels like it with Ryan Mathews. After his 5th 100 yard rushing game of the year with 29 carries for 127 rushing yards and a touchdown, Mathews is now tied for the NFL lead for 100 yard rushing games on the year with Adrian Peterson and LeSean McCoy. Yes, you read that right. Sure, Shady or maybe even All Day if he’s healthy could possibly reclaim that lead over him this weekend but just reading that shows how much Mathews has improved over an abysmal 2012 campaign that had him looking flat, slow and bewildered even before he broke TWO collarbones last year. He got labelled soft and a bust all at the ripe age of 25. Hard to imagine everything being downhill when you haven’t even had to shave your ear hair yet but that was Mathew’s judgement and I’ll fairly say I joined in with the crowd on this. Though his preseason was strong, I did not see this coming and to be fair, the Bolts didn’t either as they brought in Danny to spell him and were extra cautious in using him early on in the season. But even prior to tonight, Mathews has been one of the better RBs in the league as he’s been the 11th best fantasy RB in standard and the 15th best in PPR scoring over the last 5 weeks. Surprised? Shocked? Appalled? Drunk? Eh, it’s Friday, I’m not surprised if its all four. The point is, he’s been much better than we’ve realized and it’s time to give him his due so here’s to you, Mr. Mathews. May someone find that missing ‘t’ for you some day but until then, good on ya. In other news from Thursday Night Football from week 15…psyche! I haven’t psyched you guys out in a while, I know. Things have been running along smoothly but I’m going to a bit of an ‘event’ this weekend. I’m sure Tehol or J-FOH will probably blather all about it in their posts but until then I can pretend I get to keep it a super awesome secret until next week. Suspense…it’s a killer. Now on with the rest of the Thursday roundup…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kevin Kumpf

Weekly IDP Rankings: Week Fifteen For 2013 Fantasy Football

December 12, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 15 Comments

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One common mistake that all fantasy owners, not just IDP owners, make is to overrate strong performances in the playoffs. On the offensive side of the ball, guys like Josh McCown and Marques Colston had huge weeks, but that doesn’t mean that you’re starting them in the semi-finals over Matt Stafford and DeSean Jackson. The same thing applies on the defensive side of the ball. Matchups determine a lot about IDP stats, and as we saw last week, weather can mean a lot as well.

Here are some guys who put up big numbers in Week 14, and whether I think they can do it again in Week 15:

Please, blog, may I have some more?