Welcome, welcome! It’s the championship week of the RazzBowl, so I’m sure there’s a couple new bandwagon followers reading this series for the first time. If you’re new here, let me tell you how this works: 15 weeks ago, over two hundred of the best fantasy footballers drafted teams and then ran the gauntlet of best ball, weekly scoring, and cutlines. Now, we are left with ten teams comprised of managers who didn’t draft Leonard Fournette competing for the RazzBowl trophy, a bunch of merch, Rudy’s Sweet Tools, and the most important thing: internet validation.
To help everybody get familiar with the championship players, I’m profiling them just like I would a real football player. Let’s get to know the championship tier!
10) Donkey Teeth — Razzball’s own DT occupies the tenth seed, and I can see why. A lifelong proponent of the “Robust Tight End” draft strategy, DT’s policy of ranking players purely by how they look shirtless has its edges. The fact that Razzball Headquarters is filled with 100-inch screens at 8K resolution blasting Austin Ekeler’ abs isn’t a bug; it’s a feature. After donning a chupacabra furry suit in Week 14 to attack then-pack leader Ben Grivas, DT has preserved Razzball’s reputation as “most anthropomorphic fantasy sports website.”
9) Darth Algebra — Using the power of the universe to crunch polynomials, “Link’s Dad,” known on Twitter as Darth Algebra, has taken his high school math and brought it to the power of evil. After destroying the Rebel Ship McCaffrey, Darth Algebra climbed the ranks of the RazzBowl contest with an armament of quadratic functions and unbalanced equations that brought fear into competitors hearts…before he tore them out, that is.
8) Jason Tran — In the pleasant times that were 2018, Jason was transformed into “Soup Boy” by a Twitter troll. jacobdillard16 defended his boi Adam Gase from Jason’s fiery tongue. “Soup Boy!” jd16 said. How could you be so dense Jason? Picking on poor Adam Gase. Have you no shame? jacobdillard16’s insult haunted Jason for the next two years, and he carries that chip on his shoulder into the RazzBowl championships. Also, Soup Boy is my favorite Razzball writer pseudonym that has yet to be used.
7) Dan Adams — A writer for QB List, Dan once had a Joe Namath jersey that he wore un-ironically. “A Hall of Famer is a Hall of Famer,” he said, not noticing his McFlurry had turned from frogurt consistency to that of dirty milk. He has the ability to recite pi to 68 places and he’s planning on getting that next place memorized by next week to ensure a “niiiice” finish in the tournament.
6) Matthew Stevens — Familiar to most of you as “Stevens the Semi-driver” in the weekly drama that was the RazzBowl fan fiction empire, he’s poised for a solid finish in the Razz Bowl after a year hovering near the top but never taking the #1 spot. That was also how I describe my ability as a drummer in high school band. Matthew’s a senior writer at RotoUnderworld, and I would like to congratulate him on his upcoming graduation and entrance into the real world. Great economy for seniors! Depending on whether Ari (below) wants to call himself “unretired,” Matthew is the highest ranked “industry” guy remaining in the competition. Sounds like it’s time to get back to work, Ari!
5) Ari Engel — Possibly retired from fantasy writing, but definitely a lawyer, and possibly reading this. Hey, Ari! Let’s get a smoothie when Covid is done! Same goes for all of you! In a year that was pretty good to lawyers, Ari’s riding a wave of litigation to the top of the RazzBowl tournament. Who would be better at player prognostication in a wildly complicated cutline format than a legal expert? Only four other people so far, it seems!
4) Jerry Janiga — You may know Jerry as the guy who unseated Joey Wright from his iron grip on the RazzBowl trophy. An aspiring fantasy writer, he should be getting a fair amount of fantasy analyst interest after his performance in the RazzBowl. He’s also threatened to dump an entire bottle of Grey Goose into the trophy should he win, which will undoubtedly cause the lead lining of the trophy to leach into his system and permit Joey Wright another chance to steal the trophy back.
3) Seth Bruner — He’s so under the table I don’t even have a Twitter handle for him. He could be a reader (we love you!) or he could be a Redditor (damn you to hell!) or he could be a rando that found us through social media (we’re so ambivalent for you!). He could be my burner account. That’s right! EWB is #3 in the RazzBowl! It’ll take the real Seth to come out and prove me wrong! So, Seth, if you’re out there, give a shout and let us know where you are before I declare myself the greatest fantasy footballer in the world (<–things I would do anyway)
2) Joey Wright — You know him: the movie loving main character of the RazzBowl fan fiction saga, who continually stole the Razz Bowl trophy, even if it meant drugging people, trespassing in a burger joint, and surviving Terminator attacks. Joey publicly showed his own family disowning him over his failure to hold onto the lead in the Razz Bowl, a disappointment which will undoubtedly haunt his family for generations to come. Only one person stands in the way of Joey getting the trophy, and that’s…
1) Michael Steinberg — Razzball’s own FantasyCoachJB invited Michael into the competition, and for that, JB has been severely censured. No more inviting good players into the tournament, JB! Michael has been taking advantage of JB’s “Sexy Flexies” series of articles to climb his way to the top of the Razz Bowl tournament. How did he do that when rosters have been locked since Week 10? I don’t know! ENYWHEY. Michael takes a nearly 40 point lead into the final week of the Razz Bowl, which is entirely surmountable for fantasy managers who were following my Top QB series. Who needs SEO when you just drop a bunch of links and type “Razzball” a bunch of times into the #1 seed’s write-up?
The RazzBowl Recap Recap
Thanks to everybody for playing in the 2020 RazzBowl! If you’re a fan or an industry analyst, it’s been great having you along for the ride. I hope we provided a different experience than other industry contests. We gave you an awesome format, some sweet fan fiction, and (hopefully) a community that expanded beyond just your drafting league. I’ve seen a lot of people who met through the RazzBowl talking about leagues for next year, and people are already excitedly looking through the rankings for their name. It’s like we’re casting a play, and you’re the actors!
If you’ve liked what Razzball has done with the RazzBowl, let us know by grabbing a premium subscription on any of the sites, sharing our articles with your friends, dropping us lines in the comments or on social media, and just being part of the community. More than anything, we just want you to be around, and let’s keep having fun playing this game that we all love.
Congrats to all the main event contestants, and congrats to the finalists in the qualifier as well! It’s great to see DD from my Qualifier league in competition for the championship in the Qualifier event.
You know I’ll have a wild final recap of the RazzBowl next week, so stay tuned for that one! And if you need a break from fantasy after the wildness of 2020, I hope to see you again in the summer.
In the meantime, take it easy, stay safe, and enjoy whichever holiday you partake in!