Please Note: Most lineups in most formats, including Daily Fantasy, will lock at 9:30 AM EDT (6:30 AM PDT) tomorrow because of the London game. Don’t forget to set your lineups accordingly!
Greetings! What an exhilarating Thursday Night Football game! Exhilarating if you enjoy watching dumpster fires or binge watching beastiality videos. Sometimes the Elder Gods like to remind us that their more meaningful things one can do with their time other than watch football games. Are you, like me, obsessed with all things NFL? Do you bail out on your significant other or turn down invitations to try exciting new things, simply because you can’t stand the thought of missing out on a single play? Sometimes it’s nice to take a breather, get out of the house and enjoy not being tortured by fantasy football for a few hours. I’d like to challenge those of you that are suffering from the same addiction as myself, to get out and at least take a walk to clear your head and think about some positive changes you can make in your life. Like, for example, stop saving money for your children’s college funds, and instead, send that money to me so that I may continue funding my quest to become world famous. I have Paypal. Cool? Cool, let’s talk about some players I like and dislike, shall we?
I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Start Em’, Sit Em’! Take heed!
My rankings have been updated for Sunday’s game and can be found here.
Drew Brees – Yep, it’s all falling apart for the Dallas Cowboys, and Brees returns like Jesus to save the Saints horrifyingly disappointing season. Kind of like when Nicolas Cage recaptured our hearts and rose back to A-list actor status in… well… I guess that hasn’t’ occurred yet, but it will, you can be sure of that! Against Atlanta, Dallas played the role of that bush on your sidewalk that every dog takes a leak on as they stroll by, and played it like Pacino in Scent of a Woman. Hoooo-ahhhhh, yea, drenched in urine they were. With C.J. Spiller FINALLY back to full health and the injuries finally catching up to the Cowboys, I fully expect the Saints to drop 30 on that ass, and win their first game of the season. Who dat!
Andy Dalton – In my opinion, Dalton is the NFL’s MVP through the first three weeks of the season. Yes, I love Julio, but we all know that I have a better shot at the Pullitzer prize than a wideout does of being named MVP. Thus far, Dalton has thrown eight touchdown passes and never had a QB rating under 115.9, all the while leading his Bengals to a 3-0 record. Now, he faces a Chiefs defense that was blow-torched by James Jones the Elder, and still missing Sean Smith. Imagine what Marvin Jones or ANYBODY for that matter will do to Chiefs’ Marcus Cooper. Seriously, I feel bad for the dude. I haven’t seen a man get beaten like that since Apollo Creed was killed in the ring. Expect the new and improved Dalton to take full advantage. If he dies, he dies.
Latavius Murray – It’s taken a multitude of highly selected running backs to fall flat on their faces, but my pre-season prediction of Latavius becoming a top 10 fantasy back is coming to fruition. I suppose it’s more luck than anything considering he’s truly only had one good game, but don’t you dare attempt to throw shade and taint the glory and joyfulness I feel right now. Chicago is 26th in the NFL in run defense and the Raider should either be in a close game or leading, allowing Murray the God to receive 20 plus carries. I don’t feel asking for 200 yards is too much.
T.J. Yeldon – As I mentioned with Melvin Gordon earlier this week, if not now, then when!? Teeej gets a Colts defense tied for 18th against the run, and a Colts team that could possibly be playing without the services of Andrew Luck, significantly lowering the odds of a Colts blowout, which would in turn allow Yeldon the opportunity for 20-25 carries and hopefully a score or two. Or will the legendary Matt Hasselbeck drop a nuke on all our hopes and dreams? I suppose I should say “your hopes and dreams”, for I drafted him nowhere. But still, I’m rooting for yous guys/gals.
Allen Hurns – The Colts are 20th against the pass and their only decent defensive back, Vontae Davis, should be locked onto Allen Robinson for much of the day, leaving Hurns to go off grandaddy dong style. [Jay’s Note: I’m not actually sure what that means…] In fact, I’m guaranteeing at least one touchdown reception. Witness!
Robert Woods – Poor, poor Tyrod… Removing Sammy Watkins and LeSean McCoy from the lineup COULD end up being detrimental to my hope of him being a top-5 QB this week UNLESS my man, the USC legend, Robert Woods brings his A-game! I’m a big Woods fan and would definitely start him in the flex if desperate or in DFS. A two touchdown game is not out the question folks. When it happens, do not forget to shower me with praise… And if it doesn’t happen, forget I ever wrote it, aaaaaahkay? Thanks.
Richard Rogers – One of these weeks Rogers will score multiple touchdowns. This could be the week. The Niners haven’t been HORRIBLE against opposing tight ends, but anytime Jermaine Gresham gashes you a couple times, I’m concerned. Look for Rogers to hit pay dirt.
St. Louis Rams Defense – This is a bit of a gamble considering the Cardinals offense has been burning the opposition like Michael Vick does women during an outbreak, but the Cardinals offensive line is still suspect. In fact, the Cards have feasted on what have turned out to be some of the worst teams in all of football. I’m not saying the Rams are contenders but they’re known for pulling off a surpassed victory every now and again, and I believe they have a solid shot this week as I expect their d-line to have a savage week and force some turnovers.
Colin Kaepernick – I get it, Kaepernick has owned the Packers and Dom Capers in the past. Problem is, neither team resembles what they were back in those days; The Niners have a new, inept coaching staff and the Packers have a new identity on defense, mainly being that they no longer choke on giraffe nuts. I simply don’t have faith in Kaepernick after what he’s shown. Sure, he could have a decent game but unless you’re in a two QB league, are you really willing to make that call? You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Brandon Weeden – I shouldn’t have to explain this, but I will; Brandon Weeden plays the quarterback position like Christian Slater acts. Brandon Weeden is Khloe Kardashian, pre-five million dollars of plastic surgery and the bleached anus. He’s not even worth writing about, but frankly I already mentioned the bigger named guys earlier this week and I’m feeling too positive to dog any of the others.
Rashad Jennings – Already one of the biggest disappointments of the year thus far, Jennings now faces off against a ferocious Bills defense. This should be a game where Vereen is heavily involved so I’d stay away. Of course, I had Forsett at the 30th spot this week, so Jennings will probably rush for 300 yards and four touchdowns. FML.
Tre Mason – It seems as if Tre Day has given up on life after the Rams drafted Todd Gurley. I don’t really blame him but if he wants to get traded to another team next offseason where he has an opportunity to start, he better get that ass in gear, pronto. Against a solid Cardinals run defense, starting Mason has the intrigue of attempting to raw dog a wolverine with your hands tied behind your back.
Mike Wallace – Teddy B is going to struggle this week, and even without Charles Johnson in the mix, I find it hard to rank him as more than a WR3/4. There’s always the CHANCE of a deep ball, but the Broncos secondary has been lights out thus far and the Teddster hasn’t done shizz all season, so I’d stay away.
Torrey Smith – Ughhhh, it seems like the Niners are making the same mistakes with Torrey that Baltimore did. If you’re going to pay the kind of money they did for Smith, you simply HAVE to make an effort to get him the ball on comeback and crossing routes, not just a couple deep shots per game. The guy is an extremely talented weapon and it appalls me to no end, witnessing him in the sinkhole that is San Francisco. Disgusting.
Eric Ebron – Unless Ebron wants a Madden hit-sticking that will be replayed for the rest of his life a la Vernon Davis, he won’t dare challenge Cam Chancellor. Really feel like the Seahawks defense is going to put Stafford on lockdown. I don’t like ANY of the Lions players this week, including Ebron.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Star Em’, Sit Em’. As per usual it’s been an absolute pleasure and your questions will be responded to in the section below. Have a fabulous weekend.
Want more Beddict? Follow him on Twitter @Beddict143.