Odell Beckham Jr. is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.
There are so many things to talk about after Week 15 is now in the books. Even the goal posts are changing! We saw the beginning of the “Johnny Football Shutout Sadness Suck Balls Gabbert F*ck Up Noun 27.3 Quarterback Rating”, the ending of the Jim Harbaugh era in San Francisco, and of course there’s the NFC South, where the Panthers (5-8-1), Saints (5-8), and Falcons (5-9) are now all within a game of each other for the division lead AND in line for a top-10 draft pick. If that isn’t a dumpster fire, then my friend, you’ve never seen a dumpster fire. The Colts, Broncos, and Patriots clinched playoff appearances, which I believe is the 987th consecutive year these three teams have done it. And then there’s, of course, the growing legend of Odell Beckham Jr.. And don’t be surprised that every Giants game from here on out will follow the formula of: Interception, derp, injury, derp, Odell Beckham does something awesome, interception, Odell Beckham does something even more awesome, derp. Oh, almost forgot. And derp. Honestly though, the Giants offense right now is basically “throw it to Beckham”, and it has to be stated, it’s the best they’ve looked in years. Imagine how great it would be if Tom Coughlin stopped hiding Eli Manning’s Capri Sun…
Steelers – 27, Falcons – 20
Le’Veon Bell – 20 CAR, 47 YDS, 2 TD and 5 REC, 72 YDS. No, Falcons, it’s okay. Don’t cover Bell. That’ll work out fine. Totally.
Harry Douglas – 10 REC, 131 YDS. Really, you didn’t get hurt whether you started Douglas or Roddy White (7 REC, 58 YDS, 1 TD), unless, you know, you’re a Julio Jones owner with none of them on your team, leaving you to put in Andrew Hawkins, because it’s playoff time, why even try? Ugh.
Washington Football Team – 13, Giants – 24
Odell Beckham Jr. – 12 REC, 143 YDS, 3 TD. I get the feeling that Beckham is going to single-handily (ah ha!) keep Manning’s career going six years longer than it has any right to.
Henry Hynoski – 2 CAR, 2 YDS. “Hynoski” sounds like something you do to the class nerd back when school was a thing for us.
Robert Griffin – 18/27, 236 YDS, 1 TD and 5 CAR, 46 YDS. RG3 Episode V: The Kneepire Strikes Back. He had a good game, but I wouldn’t read too much into it. Every time he ran the zone-read against the Giants, it looked like it was the first time they had ever seen it.
Niles Paul – 1 REC, 17 YDS. Niles Paul sounds like the name of really bad music producer.
Dolphins – 13, Patriots – 41
Raiders – 13, Chiefs – 31
Alex Smith – 18/30, 297 YDS, 2 TD and 3 CAR, 17 YDS. Alex Smith lives by the motto “Check(down) yo self before yo wreck yo self”.
Travis Kelce – 5 REC, 59 YDS, 1 TD. Kelce, you’ve got to wash the stuff off your hands from last week…
Darren McFadden – 2 CAR, 13 YDS. Darren McFadden gonna Darren McFadden.
Texans – 10, Colts – 17
Tom Savage – 10/19, 127 YDS, 1 INT. I figured J.J. Watt would be the backup quarterback. But who cares? WOOOOO, IT’S TOM SAVAGE TIME! Awesome name for a terrible quarterback. Ryan Fitzpatrick (3/6, 30 YDS and 3 CAR, 16 YDS) did this to us by fracturing his leg, ending the “magic” in Fitzpatrick.
Trent Richardson – 9 CAR, 32 YDS and 2 REC, 9 YDS. A 3.6 YPC? Please, you talkin’ crazy. No way it was that high.
Jaguars – 12, Ravens – 20
Blake Bortles – 21/37, 210 YDS, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. You ever wonder if Bortles has Josh Scobee on his fantasy team? I’m pretty sure a case can be made here…
Cecil Shorts III – 6 REC, 76 YDS. Cecil Shorts sounds like the name of a vaudeville performer. Yes, I went vaudeville. Shut up.
Packers – 13, Bills – 21
Kyle Orton – 14/27, 158 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, -4 YDS. Here’s Kyle Orton going through his progressions: Whisky, whisky, bourbon, whisky.
Aaron Rodgers – 17/42, 185 YDS, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 27 YDS. 34.3 quarterback rating, the lowest of his career. But what did you expect when you challenge Orton to a binge drinking contest? More like 34.3 BAC, amiright folks? In other news, I will be renaming some of my fantasy teams to “Live by Rodgers, Die by Rodgers”.
Buccaneers – 17, Panthers – 19
Derek Anderson – 25/40, 277 YDS, 1 TD and 5 CAR, 14 YDS. Derek Anderson… alive?
Jonathan Stewart – 22 CAR, 73 YDS and 1 REC, 6 YDS. Ah, I guess Stewart remembered who he was.
Jerricho Cotchery – 5 REC, 47 YDS, 1 TD. That’s not Kelvin Benjamin!
Doug Martin – 14 CAR, 96 YDS, 1 REC, 3 YDS. I bet you that he does this for the rest of the season, all in an effort to trick us into thinking he’s a buy-low next season. Just watch…
Bengals – 30, Browns – 0
Andy Dalton – 14/24, 117 YDS, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. How did you win by 30 points while somehow scoring, like, 2 fantasy points?
Jeremy Hill – 25 CAR, 148 YDS, 2 TD. Jeremy Hill did that? That’s great! What’s that? I’m starting the OTHER F*CKING RUNNING BACK? Jesus. Tapdancing. Christ.
Johnny Manziel – 10/18, 80 YDS, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 13 YDS. So, for the game, Manziel had like 89 three-and-outs, 18 yards of passing, 5 interceptions, and, like, 3 first downs. For what it’s worth, “Johnny Interception” is technically maintaining the consistancy provided by Brian Hoyer, so there’s that, I guess.
Jets – 16, Titans – 11
No one watched this game. And if you did, you should really see a doctor about that blindness and the whole blood spewing out of your eyeballs thing…
Broncos – 22, Chargers – 10
Honestly, I’d rather hang out with Steelers fans.
Peyton Manning – 14/20, 233 YDS, 1 TD. The Broncos were on the phone with technical support to deal with the recent virus in Peyton 2.0’s programming. If Norton is any indication, they’ll have to format the hard drive and reinstall the software.
Philip Rivers – 24/41, 232 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT. Rivers gonna Rivers.
49ers – 7, Seahawks – 17
Russell Wilson – 12/24, 168 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 27 YDS. Russell Wilson is a grinder. You should see him work that mortar and pestle!
Marshawn Lynch – 21 CAR, 91 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 7 YDS. As a reward, Lynch will also now receive Twix in the end zone. Because I love Twix. That’s why.
Jermaine Kearse – 5 REC, 78 YDS. Jermaine Kearse, putting the lie to the sticky-glove truthers.
Colin Kaepernick – 11/19, 141 YDS and 9 CAR, 46 YDS. No one with that many tats lives past 25…
Frank Gore – 11 CAR, 29 YDS. I haven’t seen Gore bottled up like this since Paul Voerhoeven was forced to edit Robocop to avoid a NC-17 rating.
Bruce Miller – 2 CAR, 4 YDS and 4 REC, 56 YDS. You know the game didn’t go well when your leading receiver is the fullback…
Vikings – 14, Lions – 16
Matthew Stafford – 17/28, 153 YDS, 1 TD and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. Overrated and Mediocre:Â the Stafford Story.
Calvin Johnson – 4 REC, 53 YDS. More like Megawherethef*ckaremyfantasypoints, amirght?
Cowboys – 38, Eagles – 27
Tony Romo – 22/31, 265 YDS, 3 TD and 4 CAR, -1 YDS, 1 FUM. Tony Romo’s willingness to use drugs to deal with crippling pain is an inspiration to us all.
DeMarco Murray – 31 CAR, 81 YDS, 2 TD and 1 REC, 3 YDS. Demarco Murray, a brave warrior fighting the Romonobyl with all his might.
Dez Bryant – 6 REC, 114 YDS, 3 TD. Dez Bryant is good at this job and I’d say the Eagles belief in Bradley Fletcher’s ability to cover Dez Bryant is what probably lost this game for the Eagles.
Mark Sanchez – 17/28, 252 YDS, 2 INT. Sanchez is, at some point, going to be Sanchez…
Chris Polk – 2 CAR, 6 YDS, 2 TD. Isn’t everyone glad they started Chris Polk?
