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Odell Beckham Jr. is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.

There are so many things to talk about after Week 15 is now in the books. Even the goal posts are changing! We saw the beginning of the “Johnny Football Shutout Sadness Suck Balls Gabbert F*ck Up Noun 27.3 Quarterback Rating”, the ending of the Jim Harbaugh era in San Francisco, and of course there’s the NFC South, where the Panthers (5-8-1), Saints (5-8), and Falcons (5-9) are now all within a game of each other for the division lead AND in line for a top-10 draft pick. If that isn’t a dumpster fire, then my friend, you’ve never seen a dumpster fire. The Colts, Broncos, and Patriots clinched playoff appearances, which I believe is the 987th consecutive year these three teams have done it. And then there’s, of course, the growing legend of Odell Beckham Jr.. And don’t be surprised that every Giants game from here on out will follow the formula of: Interception, derp, injury, derp, Odell Beckham does something awesome, interception, Odell Beckham does something even more awesome, derp. Oh, almost forgot. And derp. Honestly though, the Giants offense right now is basically “throw it to Beckham”, and it has to be stated, it’s the best they’ve looked in years. Imagine how great it would be if Tom Coughlin stopped hiding Eli Manning’s Capri Sun…

 

Steelers – 27, Falcons – 20

Le’Veon Bell – 20 CAR, 47 YDS, 2 TD and 5 REC, 72 YDS. No, Falcons, it’s okay. Don’t cover Bell. That’ll work out fine. Totally.

Harry Douglas – 10 REC, 131 YDS. Really, you didn’t get hurt whether you started Douglas or Roddy White (7 REC, 58 YDS, 1 TD), unless, you know, you’re a Julio Jones owner with none of them on your team, leaving you to put in Andrew Hawkins, because it’s playoff time, why even try? Ugh.

 

Washington Football Team – 13, Giants – 24

Odell Beckham Jr. – 12 REC, 143 YDS, 3 TD. I get the feeling that Beckham is going to single-handily (ah ha!) keep Manning’s career going six years longer than it has any right to.

Henry Hynoski – 2 CAR, 2 YDS. “Hynoski” sounds like something you do to the class nerd back when school was a thing for us.

Robert Griffin – 18/27, 236 YDS, 1 TD and 5 CAR, 46 YDS. RG3 Episode V: The Kneepire Strikes Back. He had a good game, but I wouldn’t read too much into it. Every time he ran the zone-read against the Giants, it looked like it was the first time they had ever seen it.

Niles Paul – 1 REC, 17 YDS. Niles Paul sounds like the name of really bad music producer.

 

Dolphins – 13, Patriots – 41

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Raiders – 13, Chiefs – 31

Alex Smith – 18/30, 297 YDS, 2 TD and 3 CAR, 17 YDS. Alex Smith lives by the motto “Check(down) yo self before yo wreck yo self”.

Travis Kelce – 5 REC, 59 YDS, 1 TD. Kelce, you’ve got to wash the stuff off your hands from last week…

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Darren McFadden – 2 CAR, 13 YDS. Darren McFadden gonna Darren McFadden.

 

Texans – 10, Colts – 17

Tom Savage – 10/19, 127 YDS, 1 INT. I figured J.J. Watt would be the backup quarterback. But who cares? WOOOOO, IT’S TOM SAVAGE TIME! Awesome name for a terrible quarterback. Ryan Fitzpatrick (3/6, 30 YDS and 3 CAR, 16 YDS) did this to us by fracturing his leg, ending the “magic” in Fitzpatrick.

Trent Richardson – 9 CAR, 32 YDS and 2 REC, 9 YDS. A 3.6 YPC? Please, you talkin’ crazy. No way it was that high.

 

Jaguars – 12, Ravens – 20

Blake Bortles – 21/37, 210 YDS, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. You ever wonder if Bortles has Josh Scobee on his fantasy team? I’m pretty sure a case can be made here…

Cecil Shorts III – 6 REC, 76 YDS. Cecil Shorts sounds like the name of a vaudeville performer. Yes, I went vaudeville. Shut up.

 

Packers – 13, Bills – 21

Kyle Orton – 14/27, 158 YDS, 1 INT and 3 CAR, -4 YDS. Here’s Kyle Orton going through his progressions: Whisky, whisky, bourbon, whisky.

Aaron Rodgers – 17/42, 185 YDS, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 27 YDS. 34.3 quarterback rating, the lowest of his career. But what did you expect when you challenge Orton to a binge drinking contest? More like 34.3 BAC, amiright folks? In other news, I will be renaming some of my fantasy teams to “Live by Rodgers, Die by Rodgers”.

 

Buccaneers – 17, Panthers – 19

Derek Anderson – 25/40, 277 YDS, 1 TD and 5 CAR, 14 YDS. Derek Anderson… alive?

Jonathan Stewart – 22 CAR, 73 YDS and 1 REC, 6 YDS. Ah, I guess Stewart remembered who he was.

Jerricho Cotchery – 5 REC, 47 YDS, 1 TD. That’s not Kelvin Benjamin!

Doug Martin – 14 CAR, 96 YDS, 1 REC, 3 YDS. I bet you that he does this for the rest of the season, all in an effort to trick us into thinking he’s a buy-low next season. Just watch…

 

Bengals – 30, Browns – 0

Andy Dalton – 14/24, 117 YDS, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. How did you win by 30 points while somehow scoring, like, 2 fantasy points?

Jeremy Hill – 25 CAR, 148 YDS, 2 TD. Jeremy Hill did that? That’s great! What’s that? I’m starting the OTHER F*CKING RUNNING BACK? Jesus. Tapdancing. Christ.

Johnny Manziel – 10/18, 80 YDS, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 13 YDS. So, for the game, Manziel had like 89 three-and-outs, 18 yards of passing, 5 interceptions, and, like, 3 first downs. For what it’s worth, “Johnny Interception” is technically maintaining the consistancy provided by Brian Hoyer, so there’s that, I guess.

 

Jets – 16, Titans – 11

No one watched this game. And if you did, you should really see a doctor about that blindness and the whole blood spewing out of your eyeballs thing…

 

Broncos – 22, Chargers – 10

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Honestly, I’d rather hang out with Steelers fans.

Peyton Manning – 14/20, 233 YDS, 1 TD. The Broncos were on the phone with technical support to deal with the recent virus in Peyton 2.0’s programming. If Norton is any indication, they’ll have to format the hard drive and reinstall the software.

Philip Rivers – 24/41, 232 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT. Rivers gonna Rivers.

 

49ers – 7, Seahawks – 17

Russell Wilson – 12/24, 168 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 27 YDS. Russell Wilson is a grinder. You should see him work that mortar and pestle!

Marshawn Lynch – 21 CAR, 91 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 7 YDS. As a reward, Lynch will also now receive Twix in the end zone. Because I love Twix. That’s why.

Jermaine Kearse – 5 REC, 78 YDS. Jermaine Kearse, putting the lie to the sticky-glove truthers.

Colin Kaepernick – 11/19, 141 YDS and 9 CAR, 46 YDS. No one with that many tats lives past 25…

Frank Gore – 11 CAR, 29 YDS. I haven’t seen Gore bottled up like this since Paul Voerhoeven was forced to edit Robocop to avoid a NC-17 rating.

Bruce Miller – 2 CAR, 4 YDS and 4 REC, 56 YDS. You know the game didn’t go well when your leading receiver is the fullback…

 

Vikings – 14, Lions – 16

Matthew Stafford – 17/28, 153 YDS, 1 TD and 1 CAR, 2 YDS. Overrated and Mediocre: the Stafford Story.

Calvin Johnson – 4 REC, 53 YDS. More like Megawherethef*ckaremyfantasypoints, amirght?

 

Cowboys – 38, Eagles – 27

Tony Romo – 22/31, 265 YDS, 3 TD and 4 CAR, -1 YDS, 1 FUM. Tony Romo’s willingness to use drugs to deal with crippling pain is an inspiration to us all.

DeMarco Murray – 31 CAR, 81 YDS, 2 TD and 1 REC, 3 YDS. Demarco Murray, a brave warrior fighting the Romonobyl with all his might.

Dez Bryant – 6 REC, 114 YDS, 3 TD. Dez Bryant is good at this job and I’d say the Eagles belief in Bradley Fletcher’s ability to cover Dez Bryant is what probably lost this game for the Eagles.

Mark Sanchez – 17/28, 252 YDS, 2 INT. Sanchez is, at some point, going to be Sanchez…

Chris Polk – 2 CAR, 6 YDS, 2 TD. Isn’t everyone glad they started Chris Polk?

 

  1. Zandy says:
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    and it all comes down to kenny stills…..
    at least 3 catches for 80 yards and a TD? do you feel it????

    • Scott says:
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      @Zandy: Yes, he’ll be known as OBJ, the second!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Zandy: OH I FEEL IT. Maybe?

  2. Ron says:
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    I want to end my fantasy season saying THANK YOU for NOTHING – Aaron “R.E.L.A.X.” Rodgers, Jamaal “WTF Happened?” Charles and Calvin “formerly known as Megatron” Johnson.

    Those 3 along with Dez Bryant were supposed to atleast get me to the big game next week but 3 of my 4 sure-fire studs were epic duds when I needed them most.

    I love this game of fantasy football and I truly hate it all the same. It’s entertaining and annoying. Yes, it is just “fantasy”, but there is no question, the disappointment is real.

    • Bye Felicia says:
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      @Ron: Drinks at my place? I know dem feels bro * hugs

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Ron: RELAX.

      But yeah, those guys ended the years for a lot of us. Like Felicia said, we should start a drinking club.

    • Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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      @Ron: this must be some kind of dynasty or keeper for one owner to have all 4 of those top 2 round picks.

  3. Wilsonian says:
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    So I sat Julio (obviously) and played Jordan Matthews instead. Guess I shoulda left Julio in. On the bright side of things, my opponent put DeAndre Hopkins in over the Harry D and played Forsett and JStew. Now if Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young (Forte, Stills, Graham, and Lofton) can get me 33 points tonight, I’m in the finals even with that damn goose egg from Matthews. C’mon, baby! Daddy needs a shootout at Soldier tonight!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Wilsonian: Listening to some Deja Vu, hunh?

      Good luck!

      • Wilsonian says:
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        @Jay: thanks! I feel like I’m going to need it. If I played LaFell and Olsen then I’d only need 5 points out of Forte/Stills/Lofton. Which would basically be a lock. Now I just have this bad feeling that it’s somehow going to be a 6-3 game with no TDs and I’m walking away empty handed.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Wilsonian: I think you’ll be fine. No way these two defenses let that happen.

  4. Bye Felicia says:
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    Imagine how great it would be if Tom Coughlin stopped hiding Eli Manning’s Capri Sun?

    You are on top of your writing game Jay

  5. Clint says:
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    Despite the only guy on my fantasy roster producing being Le’Veon (thanks again for bailin’ me out Jay) behind do-nothings like Megatron, Hilton, A-Rod, CJ Anderson, and Russell Muscle, my IDP’s and Parkey actually manufactured a 22pt lead for me going into tonight against my opponent, who has Jeffrey the Giraffe going. God help me, my fantasy playoff matchup depends on Rob Ryan’s ability to corral one, lone wide receiver for 4 quarters.

    • Bye Felicia says:
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      @Clint: If Alshon scores 23 pts I’ll jump off a bridge, I’m down 6 pts asks I have Jimmy Graham, if he doesn’t score 7 pts I’m done playing this stupid fantasy crap! LOL

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Clint: No problem! Nice to get a few right once and a while. But yeah, Rob Ryan… he may not do what you need him to do.

      • Clint says:
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        @Jay:

        I truly thought 2013 was an aberration but is it me or does it seem the last few years fantasy “studs” are coming up limp in playoff time more than ever despite all the emphasis on putting important games late in the year’s schedule?

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Clint: Could be. There’s been a lot of physical break downs I’ve noticed for the same time frame. The sport is just grueling.

  6. Bye Felicia says:
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    Don’t feel bad the team I faced had OBJ, DEZ, BELL, Denver Kicker, Ravens Defense.

    Put it this way, I was 12-1 on the season and he was 7-6 and He destroyed me by 65 pts. I have the #1 RB, WR, and the #2 (supposed) QB Sharon “Fking” Rodgers!

    Ugh… dot dot dot F$&KK

  7. Bye Felicia says:
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    I’ll give Manziel a grade of F

    F stands for Overhyped F#$K head

    $$$$ snaps for everyone

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Bye Felicia: To be honest, I actually kinda like him, in that he’s the anti-Tebow, and seeing someone who gives zero fucks about everything feels a bit refreshing. But watching someone like that fail is just as rewarding. So it’s almost like having your cake and eating it too…

      • Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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        @Jay: i love it too, other than what it’s doing to gordon (of course this might make him cheaper next year)

  8. bobby says:
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    I’m up by 38 in a ppr league he’s got stills and bennett how do you like my chances

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @bobby: I would give it a 62% chance win for you. Stills runs hot and cold, but Bennett may cause some issues.

  9. Scott says:
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    Well, my work league is done. At least I have the Falcons, ummm….

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Scott: Home playoff and top-10 draft pick are in reach at the same time… I’d say that’s a win-win.

  10. Jake says:
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    Hey jay , who would you keep for 2015 , we can keep a Max of 2 players
    It’s ESPN keeper rules, & currently .20 ppr but for 2015 we may either keep it the same or bump it to .50 ppr

    My roster:

    QB: brady

    RB’s: Gio bernard, jeremy hill, rashad Jennings, dan herron, bernard Pierce, crowell.

    My WR’s: Demaryius thomas, Kelvin benjamin, odell beckham, kenny stills, Marqise lee.

    My TE’s: kelce & fleener

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Jake: Beckham and Hill.

      • Jake says:
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        @Jay:

        You would’nt keep demaryius? I deff agree with odell , I was just going to ask how to do you think itll effect beckham with cruz next season? I don’t think it’ll hurt him

        – this is the first season we will do keepers, I ended up calling ESPN to see how it works & they said the first 2 rounds are keepers & looks like round 3 is when snake draft begins

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Jake: I would love to keep him, but I get the feeling Peyton will retire after this season, and who knows what becomes of it. Also, I like to keep young guys, and spread out my risk. So that’s why the RB/WR split.

  11. Nick says:
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    Hey Jay, damn that was a rough first week of playoffs. I only had Beckham & Demarco do well. Rodgers, Cobb, Latavius, Keenan, damnnn. SO I’m down 99.6-93.6, I Have Ingram, he has Pierre Thomas…yikes! Whats the verdict?

    • Nick says:
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      @Nick: All I had to do was start Witten & I would have been set. Now I put in Reed & I screwed myself over, I was going with Witten all season too…

      • Jay

        Jay says:
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        @Nick: Yeah, happens a lot with tight ends especially.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Nick: I think you win. I’m not even sure Pierre is even alive.

  12. Steve Stevenson says:
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    Thanks for the advice all year and for being so responsive to readers — it really sets you guys apart. Heading into the finals in all three leagues and being able to bounce thoughts off the Razzball writers has surely helped.

    In my 10-tm dynasty, std scoring w/ 6pt pass TD, pickups can only be made once weekly via waivers, so this is the last chance to add players this year. My starting lineup is fine, but I’ll have 3-4 roster spots on my bench to play with. Which of these guys would you want to add for next year and beyond?

    RB – K. Carey (I own Forte), Blue (ditto for Foster), D. Freeman, Moreno, J. Gray, B. Tate
    WR – Cruz, A. Robinson, Latimer, Wheaton, John Brown, M. Wilson (not a real position of need for me–I have 4 strong options for 2 starting spots and there are always WR on the wire)
    TE – L. Green, T. Wright, Pitta, Donnell (I start Graham, but we have a lot of bench space so may as well grab a backup, esp. since there’s no way to sub if your guy gets hurt in practice)

    Kinda thinking Cruz (Robinson 2nd choice), Green (Pitta 2nd choice), Freeman and 1 other RB should be my targets.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Steve Stevenson: Thanks! We just try not to ef things up too much.

      I’d probably go Green and Cruz. I kind of like Carey, but I think in terms of next year production combined with upside, Cruz and Green seem the most useful.

  13. SwaggerJackers says:
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    Does OBJ go in the second round of drafts next season?

  14. Nick says:
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    Drop J Reed for T Gerhart (plays Tenn next) or Nate Washington @ Jax ? I have Witten who I will start next week (If i make it to the championship on Ingram tonight)…also could drop Ryan Mathews or R Jennings/A WIlliams with a matchup against STL remaining…what you think?

    • Nick says:
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      @Nick: 10 team standard league

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Nick: I think you can drop Reed for Washington. I just can’t stomach recommending Gerhart for anything.

  15. Connor says:
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    Down 30 with Brees and he’s got Alshon, pretty sure season is done… Charles man, and I considered playing Davis earlier in the week. Andy Ried promising a “full load” Jesus.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Connor: Well, Brees could go off on the Bears defense. Really, the most worrisome part is Alshon. You basically need him to be ignored the entire night… so yeah, it’s not impossible… but that mountain to climb is about the size of Andy Reid. DON’T BELIEVE HIS LIES.

  16. mguy31 says:
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    I’m up 6, I have Alshon, my opponent has Marquess Wilson, I have a bad feeling about tonight!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @mguy31: No, you’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

    • Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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      @Jay:@mguy31: still up one, game almost over.

  17. Tim says:
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    Hey jay how goes it? I have an open roster slot , pick up CJ spiller, bryce brown or anthony Dixon who gets the raiders shaky run D

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Tim: Good Tim, thanks for asking! I’d go Dixon there.

  18. Toby says:
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    Thanks for the help last week, Jay. I ended up surviving the Rodgers implosion and another frustrating night watching McCoy avoid the endzone. Seriously, is he phobic or something? The Baltimore defense and Connor Barth’s right leg saved my season.

    Great post today! As a Jets fan I couldn’t stop laughing…

    • Toby says:
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      @Toby: By the way, I’m up by 3 points with Stills still (redundant) left to play. My opponent is finished. I have a 91% chance of winning if I play him (fumbles, lost yardage) and a 100% chance of winning if I don’t (assuming yahoo doesn’t pull another stat reduction).

      What would you do? Would you play him?

      • Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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        @Toby: you seem to not have anything to gain by playing him. do you get some kind of bonus for more pts rather than less?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Toby: Lucky you man, that implosion I had thought, would destroy the universe.

  19. Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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    last year in 2 biggest money leagues i went live by Rodgers, die by Rodgers when he got hurt for the first time in his career. i did still get to a SB in one of those, losing only by VD having 0 week 16 pts.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey: Proving the name correct most of time, all of the time, some of the time.

      I will say this, I’m going to revisit my thoughts in terms of how to rank quarterbacks preseason. It seems almost every playoff team I see has a top-10 one.

      • Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey says:
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        @Jay: yay, i’ve been thinking both A. how fairly easy is to maybe only exit a draft with 1 good RB and simply waiver an out of nowhere one later and thus B. making sure you exit draft with top 7 QB. but then i notice that ryan actually is still the 7th best QB in average pts per game this year.

  20. goodfold2 says:
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    which of these for week 16 TE
    – Reed (i own, and hate his constant changing at QB, and it’s back to RG about to be free, as he doesn’t target him) vs PHI (22nd against TE’s, if only i could assume targets)
    – ebron @ CHI (even worse at TE’s than PHI, but those damn targets)
    – clay vs MIN (MIN is good at TE’s though)
    – rudolpho (finally got targets, did well) but gets @ MIA (best team at TE before week 15)
    – owen “sunny” D (finally got a TD, and a lot of targets) @ HOU (middle of pack vs TE’s)
    – gresham vs DEN (actually best team at TE’s, yet of course Yahoo has DEN in green, as if that’s a good matchup for him)
    pick the 2nd one too just in case my opp grabs one before me, unless Reed is exactly 2nd, then i’ll keep him only if i don’t get the best option.
    Man, TE’s have become the new kicker this year huh, where you absolutely can’t predict their performances and also add in that their floors are utterly horrible (even if they are like delanie walker, who is still the 7th best TE per game)

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @goodfold2: Leaning Owen at the moment, but double check my rankings. And you’re right, even at the top, there’s been little consistency. Gronk has been there, but wasn’t at the beginning. Graham has been MIA for a while before last night. Etc.

  21. Bye Felicia says:
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    Now I lose Demarco… Why do the fantasy god forsake me!!! I’m getting drunk tonight. My place or yours?

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