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Not sure which one is winning the staring contest...

Not sure which one is winning the staring contest…

As we are just days away from Thanksgiving, the NFL Playoff picture is taking shape. (Just as your fantasy leagues move into the playoff portion of their respective schedules.) No team looks particularly dominant, even with two undeafted teams (the Panthers and Patriots) as near-locks to play in January. Each team has a particular set of weaknesses, weaknesses that they have acquired in the first 11 weeks, weaknesses that make it nightmare for all of us. Case in point, the Bengals losing to the Cardinals during Sunday Night Football… Cincinnati is the Enron of football; Promising start, get everyone invested early… and when they fold they leave a lot of people wondering what the f*ck just happened. The Falcons are part of the NFC South, relegating them to disappoint whenever possible, and the Vikings have had their issues (mainly everything on the offense that hasn’t abused a child) and the Giants and Bills will find a way to lose their next five games. I’m sure. The Broncos and Colts have quarterback issues, and the Packers and Steelers have interesting ways of defining “defense” and “play-calling”. That essentially leaves the Panthers (who calmly brushed Washington aside yesterday) as the most-likely strongest team going into the last few months of the season. An NFC South team making possibly going deep into the playoffs? What I time we live in folks. What. A. Time.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 11’s Sunday games…

Martellus Bennett – 2 REC, 26 YDS. Ah yes, the Bears best offensive scheme still remains “throwing it up and relying on penalties” to move the ball downfield.

Giovani Bernard – 6 CAR, 18 YDS, 8 REC, 128 YDS. Usually when your run that fast in Arizona, someone asks for naturalization papers…

Teddy Bridgewater – 25/37, 296 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 43 YDS. More like Bilgewater, amirite folks?

Dez Bryant – 4 REC, 45 YDS, 1 TD. 14 passes to not-Dez? Hey, Cowboys, can you put Matt Cassel back in please?

Kirk Cousins – 22/30, 207 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 4 YDS. Oh look, the Cousins we all know and somewhat tolerate with a feeling of irritation is back. I will say truly, he is a man born without peripheral vision.

Shaun Draughn – 12 CAR, 37 YDS and 8 REC, 40 YDS. Want to know a drinking game least likely to get you drunk? A shot for every 49ers touchdown. (My liver votes yes.)

Zach Ertz – 2 REC, 12 YDS. Poor Zack Ertz. Looks like he’s destined to be a never was… It Ertz me to say that.

Joe Flacco – 27/44, 299 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT. ELITE ACL TEAR HAPPENED, and he’s out for the year. More concerning was the broken arm Justin Forsett (4 CAR, 26 YDS) suffered in the same game. Javorius Allen (22 CAR, 67 YDS and 5 REC, 48 YDS) appears to be the guy if this injury lasts longer than a few weeks, which it most certainly will. In the mean time, I’m gonna create a pill to prevent erections called Flaccidia…

Devonta Freeman – 3 CAR, 43 YDS. Left the game early with a hard-hit concussion from a helmet-to-helmet hit with a Colts safety. We’ll have to see how this develops later today, barring our own concussions from the possible fantasy playoff implications, but Tevin Coleman (17 CAR, 48 YDS) is a must add heading now heading late into the season.

Devin Funchess – 4 REC, 64 YDS, 1 TD. There’s a Funchess among us! Bunches Of Funchess, if you will. Good cereal by the way.

Ted Ginn Jr. – 5 REC, 37 YDS, 1 TD. Ted Ginn Jr.: Doing less with more since 2007.

Melvin Gordon – 15 CAR, 37 YDS and 1 REC, 12 YDS. Burn it down. Don’t even bother moving to Los Angeles, just burn down Qualcomm and walk away.

Leonard Hankerson – 4 REC, 36 YDS, 1 TD. Do you think Hankerson really hankers for sons?

Ronnie Hillman – 21 CAR, 102 YDS and 1 REC, 2 YDS. So, the Bears defense is still awful, hunh.

DeAndre Hopkins – 5 REC, 118 YDS, 2 TD. More proof the universe loves DeAndre Hopkins.

Case Keenum – 12/26, 136 YDS, 1 TD and 2 CAR, 0 YDS. Let’s play the “Which Case?” game: Case Keenum or Case Western? 1) This Case plays football at a collegiate D-3 level. 2) Which Case recently underwent a failed rebranding? 3) The primary rival of this Case is Carnegie-Mellon…

Lacysqu

Eddie Lacy – 22 CAR, 100 YDS and 1 REC, 6 YDS. THIS is the week you decide to show up Lacy? *Lacy nods from our bench appropriately*. THIS EDDIE LACY, I CALL HIM “INDIAN RESTAURANT FONDUE FOUNTAIN”, BECAUSE THAT’S THE LAST TIME I SAW CHEESE RUN THIS HARD.

Doug Martin – 27 CAR, 235 YDS. 235 yards and no touchdowns? VINTAGE Lovie Smith.

Jordan Matthews – 4 REC, 13 YDS. Matthews is like Kingdom of the Crystal Skull in the sense that I want to wipe the memory of both completely from my mind.

Jerick McKinnon – 2 REC, 15 YDS. Jerick McKinnon’s job on the Vikings is to play special teams and make everyone wonder why Matt Asiata (1 REC, 9 YDS) ever plays.

Lamar Miller – 7 CAR, 44 YDS and 2 REC, 11 YDS. Things that I am not interested in: 1) Miami’s offense. 2) Contracting herpes.

DeMarco Murray – 13 CAR, 64 YDS and 4 REC, 27 YDS. Hey, how about that Chip Kelly, hunh? Total genius, right?

J.J. Nelson – 4 REC, 142 YDS, 1 TD. Arizona is going to want to sign Nelson for border patrol if he catches like that…

Cam Newton – 21/34, 246 YDS, 5 TD and 4 CAR, 16 YDS. Newton should consider making a career of this football-thing. He seems pretty good at it.

Brock Osweiler – 20/27, 250 YDS, 2 TD and 2 CAR, 4 YDS. Brock Osweiler should change his last name to Sprocket. I could totally get behind a guy named “Brock Sprocket”.

Carson Palmer – 20/31, 317 YDS, 4 TD, 2 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. You just kinda know, one day, there’s going to be a “Palmer mysterious arm injury” announcement. One day.

Adrian Peterson – 13 CAR, 45 YDS, 1 TD, 1 FUM and 2 REC, 16 YDS. Peterson switched direction and beat the defense for a pretty good game. He made it look like child’s play, you could say.

Thomas Rawls – 30 CAR, 209 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 46 YDS, 1 TD. “Personal foul, playing defense on Rawls, on the defense, entire 49ers defense ejected, touchdown Seahawks!”

Philip Rivers – 19/30, 178 YDS, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 8 YDS. Rivers’ mustache makes it look like he might try to flee to Tijuana in the middle of the night.

Tony Romo – 18/28, 227 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT. What a typical Romo game, it’s like he never left…

Mark Sanchez – 26/41, 261 YDS, 2 TD, 3 INT and 2 CAR, 14 YDS. Mark Sanchez is a “system quarterback” in the sense that he has sucked in every system he’s played in.

Darren Sproles – 6 CAR, 21 YDS and 3 REC, 38 YDS, 1 TD. Hey guys, did you know that Tiny Darren is short? I think he would have made a great tight end, if only he had played basketball…

Mike Wallace – 1 CAR, 6 YDS. I hate you Mike Wallace.

Spencer Ware – 11 CAR, 96 YDS, 2 TD and 1 REC, 5 YDS. On the day the team retired LaDanian Tomlinson’s number, the Chargers honored his legacy by making Spencer Ware look like a Hall of Famer. Charcandrick West (11 CAR, 16 YDS and 2 REC, 48 YDS) suffered a hamstring injury, which certainly helped.

Jameis Winston – 19/29, 246 YDS, 5 TD and 4 CAR, 0 YDS. Winston kinds of remind me of Cam Newton… if Cam Newton were a slow-fat-asshole-rapist.

T.J. Yates – 16/34, 229 YDS, 2 TD and 3 CAR, -5 YDS, 1 FUM. Seriously though, when does Bill O’Brien resort to starting J.J. Watts at quarterback?

Final Thought

How I feel being a life-long Chargers fan.

How I feel being a life-long Chargers fan.