What’s this? Can it be? Yes, tis I, Beddict, back from the dead, both metaphorically and literally speaking, as I was recently shocked back to life after keestering (spellcheck wanted this word changed to “racketeering” for context) a bad batch of horse tranquilizers (or is that what they’re supposed to do?). Where have I been all season, you ask (or more likely don’t care)? Well, if you must know, I’ve been searching for my life’s purpose, something to dedicate my life to, something that inspires me…

At one point in time, I believed that writing was my true calling, believing I had the skill to become a known author, but, as per usual there was something holding me back from reaching my full potential, a blockade altering my path to glory yet again. As you sit at work reading this (while you should be working) you think to yourself: “Man, I can’t stand my wife. I wish I could go back in time and take a shot at the Brazilian stripper I met on my bachelor party in Vegas. She really seemed to get me.” Also: “What could possibly stop Tehol Beddict?!?!?! The man has a rocking body, a heart of gold, a slightly above average sized pipe, and a real talent on the key board. If he can’t become successful, who can!?!? WHY? WHY IS THIS WORLD SO CRUEL?!” The truth is, I’ve always given up on things too early, finding some excuse or reason to quit. Some would call this a fear or failure, some would call it laziness.

I’m sure many of you have experienced the same, or I don’t know, maybe you don’t have talent of any sort…and, errrr, that’s ok too… :-( …I guess what I’m trying to say here is, we all must dig deep within ourselves to become that person we were meant to be, to use the talents bestowed upon us by the Elder Gods. I’ve wasted many of the prime years of my life, but don’t intend on continuing to do so. Of course, we never intend to be utter failures in all aspects of life, so maybe I’m destined for a life of misery and despair. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, say he’s probably f*cked.

Oh, wait, is this a football column? Below are my thoughts on a few stories I find interesting in the NFL at the midway point of the season. Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

My Week 4 recommendations went much better than week 3. I said Deshaun Watson would score “25+ points” and he put up 33. I told you to start James White over Mike Gillislee for his PPR contributions and he scored 14 to Gillislee’s 4. I told you to not even look at Marshawn Lynch and he only scored 1 fantasy point. I even said this about a certain Dolphins QB: “I recommended him last week against the Jets secondary and he laid an 11.7 fantasy point egg on my face! Well, now he’s facing an equally bad Saints secondary who have allowed the second-most passing yards to opposing QBs this year. If _____ fails to capitalize again this year you shan’t see his name again!” As promised — that Dolphins quarterback is He-Who-Shan’t-Be-Named!

Here were a few more of my solid start suggestions from Week 4:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

That picture should guarantee at least 200 extra article views by itself!

Well, every single player in the NFL got injured in Week 4. At least it feels that way. Now you are forced to sort through the backups and rubble to salvage your season. Do. Not. PANIC! Plenty of good streaming fliers out there to keep you afloat. If you read the Razzball suite of articles you’ll be wearing your league’s championship belt before you know it! Let’s get into it!

If you’ve got any league-specific questions drop ‘em in the comments below and I’ll reply before the Wednesday waiver deadline.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

dsk

Ah yes, the dreaded Monday Night Football opener, showcasing four teams that you sorta-kinda are interested in, but not really and would probably just put on as background noise if this was Week 10. So basically any other Monday Night Football game not including the opener. While the concept is of a doubleheader on Monday is pretty cool, the execution of it isn’t, much like a queef. Why? Well, even though we still have a year of Chris Berman left, we still have to actually sit through a year of having Chris Berman. That’s check number one. Number two, this is the production team that gave you the Chip Kelly “Fast Tempo” clock when the Eagles played, marveling Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico by giving him a clock that basically counted up instead of down. Jesus. And this is also the same production crew that brought you a couple years of Ray Lewis’… whatever you call it. You say words, I say ear stabbings. He’s stabby. Not much you can do about that. True, they replaced him with Randy Moss, but really, if I still have to listen to Steve Young’s hot takes, I’m not sure where improvement will come from. At the very least, they actually do show football, the one redeeming feature of ESPN’s Monday presentation, and tonight we’re in for a special treat, a team with an alleged rapist quarterback, a team with a racist name, a team that strives for mediocrity on a yearly basis (Los Angeles will love that, I’m sure) and a team that’s just plain bad. Monday Night Football!

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It’s been well documented that the dumpster fire the 49ers transformed themselves into this offseason has been a resounding success and ahead of schedule thus far, six games into the regular season. And by success, I mean the fire has gotten bigger, and the dumpster has stayed the same size. In fact, the only redeeming quality at this point is the fact that Jim Tomsula looks to be about as batsh*t crazy as Jim Harbaugh was when being physically emotive. Is it enough to keep the 49ers afloat this season? Of course not, but it certainly improves their watchability. Meanwhile, schadenfreude is in full bloom for the Seattle Seahawks as they sit a woeful 2-4 and are battling the aforementioned dumpster fires 49ers for last place in a division that usually has the Cardinals and Rams taking carry of the NFC West basement. That fact right there makes this game worthy of my attention, even if it is Thursday Night Football. Get your recovery water folks, this should be a good one!

Rankings have been updated for tonight’s game and can be found here.

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brett-favre-peyton-manning

If I could describe this game in two words, they would be: Brett Favre. Or, as some pronounce it: Brett Fahhhhhhrvve. And if I could describe this game with more than two words, it would just be Brett Favre typed out a bunch of times. You should actually thank me, as I’m preparing you mentally for what will be a barrage of Peyton Manning/Brett Favre comparisons, graphics, anecdotes, and overall jaw stretching for those two quarterbacks during Sunday Night Football. If you were buried under a rock all weekend (which, if you were, maybe stay there?), you should know that Peyton Manning is just two touchdown passes away from matching the aforementioned Brett Favre for the NFL record. In what should be a pretty entertaining game, two of the winningest (is that a word?) teams since 2012 will face off, only be to overshadowed by a retired player who sends d*ck pics to ask women out. Why not just stick to trying to sell them your jeans? The 49ers have surprisingly and quietly won three straight after starting the season exactly how Seattle appears to be ending it, including a season-high 432 offensive yards against the Rams. Then again, it was against the Rams… who actually beat Seattle earlier today, so really, I have no idea what to think of the NFC West anymore. It’s weird.

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superheroharbaugh

Tonight’s game features two teams going in different directions. The 49ers have won two straight, even with reports coming out that Jim Harbaugh has lost the player’s trust. I find this curious, as while his act is tiring, obtrusive, and just unnecessary (like your mother), his 41-14-1 record over the past three years seems like something he could just write on piece of paper with a sharpie and tape it on the player’s heads. Probably a reason why I’m not an NFL coach. Or a parent. Or any kind of authority figure. Colin Kaepernick is doing what he does best, and that’s be inconsistency marginal, but still providing value with his legs. And Frank Gore seems to not be getting old yet, which gives someone like me, who is one year older, hope that the best days are yet to come. (Only with the help of the magical life-garnish known as alcohol.) The Rams have lost two straight, and while Austin Davis is no Sam Bradford, we should probably realize that’s a good thing. Brian Quick has quickly become a quick target for Davis. Quickly. And Zac Stacy has not rushed for more than 71 yards in a game this season. So thanks for that. (I’m not really thankful.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?