Before you begin to read this article, I shall require that you execute a move to a quiet and discreet location. If you have an office, close the door and shut the blinds. If thou works in a cubicle, a restaurant, manual labor, etc., I demand you leave at once. You deserve a sick day, you deserve… my sickness. I will even personally have a doctor write you a note. That is correct, I’ve consummated relationships with numerous doctors, the kind that are not timid when it comes to getting their hands dirty… Usually it’s a pointer finger up my butt, but in this case the gals will gladly write you the letter, prescriptions extra, butt (no pun intended) of course. Marijuana is encouraged, not because I smoke it (I’m sober), but because I’ve been told that’s the only way a human brain can properly portray what I am trying to get across here. If not, just steal some of your wife’s Adderall she keeps for weight-losing emergencies, you know, the stuff she keeps around to impress the co-worker she flicks the bean to three nights a week while you’re drinking macrobrews with your bros, or sleeping on the sidewalk for early Comic-Con admittance. Divorce her? And lose half of your things!?! ARE YOU INSANE? Have your children taken away from you!??!…Depends on the children I suppose. Do you realize your fantasizes of picking up a hot younger woman will disintegrate the moment you are sharing a studio apartment in the city with curtain down the middle with some 20-year-old college junior college grad driving a 2002 Prius, for you are now paying child support and are far less good looking than you’ve believed your entire life. You’ve become sloppy and overweight, balding; you’re a farter with halitosis that needs assistance in having the zits on his back popped. Maybe it’s time for some life changes. Quite possibly, it’s time to hit the gym, get some hair plugs and some benzoyl peroxide wash for your back… OOOOOOOOOOOOOR, you could just focus all you energy and built up repulsion of that badger you married, ON BUILDING THE GREATEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! The key to getting out of your marriage ahead just be shutting her out completely and then having a private dick follow her around until he snaps some flicks of her getting papaya from that aforementioned co-worker we spoke of earlier. With that being said… I AM TEHOL BEDDICT and this DISGRACE/DELIGHT! TAKE HEED!

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