I have been doing a lot of thinking about week 1 and what we can trust and what we should throw away. It’s a tough thing to not trust your eyes for future projections. I guess that’s what makes sports gambling so difficult. New casinos don’t pop up from everybody winning. How does one pick who to double down on off of a blah performance? The same goes for breakout performances. How do we know it wasn’t a one-off occurrence? Instincts plays a big role. When you’ve been playing fantasy football for over a decade you pick up on trends and apply it to new situations. Another thing, I’m really excited to be writing the start/sit column every week. Yes, the title alone brings a lot of eyes, but also I want to challenge myself to put personal biases aside to try and help build lineups for you, the reader. I had a BIG whiff last week on Ben Roethlisberger. That was a failure on my part to not weigh the matchup heavier than the overall narrative that I have for him in 2020.

The results from last week weren’t bad at all outside of that misstep. Shout out to Will Fuller! Nobody outside of him really popped. Taylor, Garappolo, and Ronald Jones were fine, I suppose. Desean Jackson didn’t do diddly squat, but that’s on his QB. Everyone outside of Roethlisberger that I suggested sitting did absolutely nothing. We’re on to week 2.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Since time immemorial tight ends have perplexed the world. We all know you want an end that’s tight, but how tight is too tight? The great Albert Einstein tackled this enigma with his theory of relativity, where he concluded Darren Waller epitomizes the perfect balance of tightness and plumpness in the end department. And who is Donkey Teeth to argue with genius Einstein? Waller’s an adonis of a man, and well endowed too.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The great part of the mid to late rounds of a normal 10-12 team fantasy football draft is how badly you can miss on a few picks and still be fine. How you play the waiver wire is a big contributor to your success so you can afford to take big swings on “your guys”. I don’t think that there was a league last year that I drafted in August that didn’t have Darwin Thompson on it. Another player that I was heavily invested in was Curtis Samuel. Neither one of those players lived up to the expectations that I had for them, but it didn’t matter because I built strong cores and was active on the waiver wire. 

There are too many variables in fantasy football to NOT take shots on high upside guys that could be league winners. And a lot of these players have yet to prove themselves in a 16-game sample size. There’s always going to be the D.J. Chark’s and Terry McLaurin’s that you can find on the wire that literally everyone overlooks. Knowing this, I’m going to be loading up on Darius Slayton in the 9th-10th rounds of fantasy drafts this year. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In my post-NFL Draft quest to update all of my 2020 dynasty rankings I’ve finally come to tight ends. And you know what I’ve always said about tight ends. Better than loose ends! Rob Gronkowski has the tightest of ends, and he wasn’t leaving any loose ends in his legacy with Brady. Weaving the Gronk into these rankings in the wake of his comeback wasn’t easy due to his wide range of outcomes. But as Big Daddy Kane once said, “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.” Anyway, here’s those sweet, sweet updated top 15 tight ends for 2020 PPR dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The NFL schedule came out last week. Tradition continues as uncertainty looms over whether we will have a 2020 season or not. One of the more polarizing plays the the NFL made was having the Giants host a week 1 Monday night football game. East Rutherford, NJ is 8 miles west of New York City and that entire area is a Covid hotbed. I’m not an epidemiologist, but this still seems like a bold strategy by the NFL. The NFL clearly wants the consumer to have confidence that there will be football in 2020. 

Speaking of confidence, Daniel Jones clearly had more confidence in himself than NFL mock drafters and fantasy football players. I will be the first to admit that I made a lot of jokes about the Giants spending their first of two picks in the first round of the 2019 draft on him. If his first start against Tampa was any indication, Gettleman is smarter than me. He let it fly in Florida completing 23 of 36 passes for 336 yards and 2 touchdowns despite being sacked 5 times. He also picked up key first downs during his 4 rushes for 28 yards. Even though Tampa had no business losing that game, Matt Gay missed his 5th field goal attempt from 36 yards out after making his first 4 attempts of the day. It doesn’t matter, Neither team was competing for a division title and it marked the arrival of the former Duke QB.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 27:

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. Did you see the story about the tiger at the Bronx Zoo that tested positive for coronavirus? Very sad. I blame Carole Baskin. Not just for the infection of this poor feline, but for the entire COVID debacle. Speaking of which, the CDC just released some new guidelines and in order to receive a COVID-19 test in the United States you must now meet at least one of these requirements:

     a) Politician

     b) Professional athlete (Major League Soccer doesn’t count)

     c) Movie star (Porn does count)

     d) Valued tiger at the zoo

And if you check all four boxes the CDC even throws in a free roll of TP. So far only one man has cashed in on that free roll of one-ply: my preferred 2020 presidential candidate, Darren Waller. Anyway, here’s my top 15 dynasty tight ends for 2020 fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Not long ago I threw a bunch of pieces of scrap paper with random letters scribbled on them into my fedora. I then randomly drew fifty letters from the titfer. Next I conducted several ritual sacrifices to the fantasy gods, assembled those fifty illegible letters into twenty-five pairs and selected the first football player who came to mind with matching initials to compile my Top 25 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. And that’s the story of how Kerryon Johnson landed at #18 overall, as the readers pointed and mocked.  Of course, I’m kidding about this process. I don’t own a fedora, it used a baseball cap.

A week later I repeated the same exercise to compose my Top 50 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football which landed Juju Smith-Schuster at #50 overall. And outrage ensued. The angry mob called for Donkey blood. So I quickly handed over my Top 75 and Top 100 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. But those only fueled the riots. “Put the rankings into one easy to view list,” they said. “We don’t need your stupid explanations and jokes,” they said. “You’re the ugliest Donkey we’ve ever seen,” they said.

So I withdrew into solitude for a couple weeks, rosterbating and meditating and then rosterbating more until finally I had another 100 arbitrary player names collated into one easy to read list for the bloodthirsty mob’s viewing pleasures. Anyway, here’s my updated top 200 dynasty rankings for 2020 PPR fantasy football leagues:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Two weeks ago I amused the people with my top 25 for 2020 dynasty football where I wrote about my crooked hard-on for Kerryon Johnson from my cushy American barn. Last week I captivated the audience with my top 50 for 2020 dynasty football where I insulted JuJu Smith-Schuster while vacationing in Madrid. This week I’ll regale the world with my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football, written while stranded in Paris on Jesus’s Birthday. Long story short: the Europeans are on strike. Nobody wants to work, making my holiday travels a challenge. But there’s worse places to get stuck than Paris where Donkey has made the most of it by visiting world renowned Peyronie’s Disease specialists, eating hay crêpes and discovering new football talent; I’ve heard this Cristiano Ronaldo hombre will be a great kicker. Anyway, here’s my top 75 for 2020 dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We have finally made it to Week 14, which, for most (sane) people, means that we have finally made it to the start of the fantasy playoffs. Thankfully, there aren’t a whole lot of players on the injury report this week, as most are just on the mend, recovering from certain breaks, fractures, pulls, sprains or tweaks suffered a few weeks ago.

Please, blog, may I have some more?