Before you begin to read this article, I shall require that you execute a move to a quiet and discreet location. If you have an office, close the door and shut the blinds. If thou works in a cubicle, a restaurant, manual labor, etc., I demand you leave at once. You deserve a sick day, you deserve… my sickness. I will even personally have a doctor write you a note. That is correct, I’ve consummated relationships with numerous doctors, the kind that are not timid when it comes to getting their hands dirty… Usually it’s a pointer finger up my butt, but in this case the gals will gladly write you the letter, prescriptions extra, butt (no pun intended) of course. Marijuana is encouraged, not because I smoke it (I’m sober), but because I’ve been told that’s the only way a human brain can properly portray what I am trying to get across here. If not, just steal some of your wife’s Adderall she keeps for weight-losing emergencies, you know, the stuff she keeps around to impress the co-worker she flicks the bean to three nights a week while you’re drinking macrobrews with your bros, or sleeping on the sidewalk for early Comic-Con admittance. Divorce her? And lose half of your things!?! ARE YOU INSANE? Have your children taken away from you!??!…Depends on the children I suppose. Do you realize your fantasizes of picking up a hot younger woman will disintegrate the moment you are sharing a studio apartment in the city with curtain down the middle with some 20-year-old college junior college grad driving a 2002 Prius, for you are now paying child support and are far less good looking than you’ve believed your entire life. You’ve become sloppy and overweight, balding; you’re a farter with halitosis that needs assistance in having the zits on his back popped. Maybe it’s time for some life changes. Quite possibly, it’s time to hit the gym, get some hair plugs and some benzoyl peroxide wash for your back… OOOOOOOOOOOOOR, you could just focus all you energy and built up repulsion of that badger you married, ON BUILDING THE GREATEST FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! The key to getting out of your marriage ahead just be shutting her out completely and then having a private dick follow her around until he snaps some flicks of her getting papaya from that aforementioned co-worker we spoke of earlier. With that being said… I AM TEHOL BEDDICT and this DISGRACE/DELIGHT! TAKE HEED!

Take me on in the Razzball Commenter Leagues for a chance at prizes! Free to join, leagues still open!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Tehol’s Rankings: Top-200 (Standard)| Top-200 (Half-PPR) | Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB (Standard) | RB (Half-PPR) | RB (PPR) | WR (Standard) | WR (Half-PPR) | WR (PPR) | TE (Standard) | TE (Half-PPR) | TE (PPR) | K | DST | Top-50 Rookies

Greetings! How are things? Caught your teenage daughter was making smut films? No worries, the Lord’s wide receiver ranking are here for you, hand delivered on ruby-encrusted silver platter by my man-servant, Ralph Lifpshitz. Tis’ true, not only does he hand feed me grapes, but he stole my whole style and became a popular writer here at the site! I’m so proud; I now smile like a proud father watching his only son that made it. With that being said, I’ve been receiving (no pun intended… haha, oh, that’s really not funny) countless requests for my wideout rankings, as there are obviously many of you doing your drafts early. Why, I have no clue, but that’s what ya’ll do, so I’m going to give this to you hard and raw, like you were a Kardashian, backstage at a Black Panther Party award ceremony. Say one thing for the Kardashians, they love African-American sausage, and can you really blame them? Look at the size of those things!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! It’s been so long since we’ve been with one another, here on the only fantasy site that truly unites people like only a game of leap frog played by naked men could do. If we’re being honest here, my life has been empty and inconsequential without you. First, it was a much needed vacation after leaving a mental health facility. Then it was a new job accompanied by the sort of sickness I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy (except Ralph). There’s only so many weeks in the fantasy football season, and with each post missed, it feels as if a piece of my soul has been torn out and stomped on by Rosie O’Donnell and Roseanne right after they hit the “All you can eat Shrimpfest” at Red Lobster. Even now, as I write this, tears are flowing down my cheekbones like urine down the face of one of R. Kelly’s 14-year-old girlfriends. I need you! If only the Elders would bless me with the attributes one needs to become a successful writer so that I could quit the ridiculously lame job I started that has ruined whatever life I had left. But you’ve got to be realistic about these things…

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Through the Wire… That doesn’t sound right, does it? I miss Disgrace/Delight. Oh well, TAKE HEED!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Today, I write to you from the uncomfortable seat of an Alaskan Airlines coach seat. That’s right, I’m headed to Maui, where I hope to relax, get a savage tan, and bust more nuts than Alvin and the Chipmunks at Thanksgiving. [Jay’s Note: I hope you’re staying in Kihei. Like a second home for me…] If you happen to follow me on Twitter, I’ll be posting daily pictures and trust me, you’re going to want to see this… Actually, you might hate me if you don’t already, but when you’re a professional fantasy football writer/thong model, you get to experience some pretty cool things. I just pray Ralph Lifshitz’s wife is able to meet me as planned, as it’s where we first met and created Ralph’s first child. Who am I kidding, she wouldn’t miss it for the world. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! What a time to be alive! We’ve all been allowed to witness the glorious gift of the Elder Gods, Tyrod Taylor, make gizzards out of three opposing secondaries. This young legend was COMPLETELY left out of a certain ESPN analyst’s weekly quarterback rankings last week, and I for one believe he deserves to be fired for committing such a despicable act of disgracefulness. After Blake Bortles treated their secondary like a porta-potty the previous week, any respectable man would have to assume Tygod would drop a double-dose of feces on those peasants. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! What are people not seeing?! This stallion has every skill-set imaginable and should only improve from here on out. I’m a TAD concerned with Taylor not having Watkins and McCoy in the arsenal this week against the Giants, but I believe he’ll make up for that just by taking off and running a lot more. By the way, the Giants are DEAD LAST in the NFL in pass yards given up. Suck that in for a second. Oooohweeee, the Rodfather is a top-5 option this week at QB and a must-own in all formats. If you wanna keep hating, I’ll grant you a front row seat into my induction into the “writers wing” of the NFL Hall of Fame (as long as Jay continues editing my work).

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Forgive me I’m not up to date on current sporting events, for Twitter, whom I fully depend on for all news and information, locked my account for a solid 24 hours! Any Quarterbacks get hurt? Did the Bills announce a starter? My life is meaningless without Twitter and the Elder Gods are known to punish me from time to time, usually when I’m riding high, basking in the glory of some incredible accomplishment, like the time I demoralized the Hilton sisters in a game of naked Twister. By demoralized, I mean that I gave both of them the profound type of hickory sticking that would make even the great Ray-J smile upon me like a proud father. Matter of fact, he was there filming it. Sorry, I’m rambling again, reminiscing about the heroic years that were my youth. But seriously, I haven’t been without Twitter for this long since the last time Sky locked me in his basement. Yes, Sky, I know: It puts the lotion on the skin!

Let’s talk quarterbacks, shall we? I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Is your league still going in week 17? I’m not quite sure what to make of that quite honestly. On one hand I want to denounce you and watch my chicken viciously peck at your children, and on the other hand, can I, Tehol Beddict, fantasy writer extraordinaire, really blame you for wanting to extend fantasy football another week? Fantasy football is fantastic, maybe even better than pure columbian blow(that may be going too far), but some will state it unwise that your league is set up to play when numerous teams are usually set up to play meaningless games. When I say that the games are meaningless, I mean that a few of your fantasy stud muffins may be riding the pine this week in preparation for the playoffs. Talk to your league manager about it. When I say talk, I mean take him in a dark room and stroke him/her with a couple blows to the kidneys while sporting brass knuckles. Nothing like going into a title game having to start the likes of Harry Douglas. Either way, you get another Beddict post, and being that I am the Razzball fantasy football champion, how can you not heed my advice? You almost have no choice at this point. So, no matter that I don’t agree with your league set up. Just win Baby.

Please, blog, may I have some more?