luckcivilwar.0

Greetings! Young Lords and Lordettes, we are almost a quarter of the way through the NFL season! I cannot believe it. I haven’t fully enjoyed the sport as I usually do, for I’m dealing with many intense personal issues, while also trying to grow as a human being. Some things must come before this incredible game we all have come to lean on for entertainment, and in my case, develop an unhealthy obsession with. So, I ask you this, as your trusted Lord; Put your phone down for a few minutes and kiss your loved ones. Close Twitter for an hour and toss your mate’s salad. Throw the ball to your dog! Go on a hike! For the love of the Gods, I beg of you, don’t become like me, for I have a screen addiction. Oh, it’s real folks. I seriously need to have it taken away from me on Sundays and pretty much every day of baseball season. There are more important things in life than professional sports. Not many, but some. I am here to serve.

I am Lord Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! I write this to you, loyal subjects of Beddict, from the trap-house, the one I share on lengthy drug-bingeing weekends with a pink-haired beauty named Maleficent. I’d give the skin off my balls for 20 minutes of slumber, but you know what, upsetting sweet Jay by not having a post submitted today would latch a gonorrhea burn to my soul for the remainder of my days on planet earth, and that’s something I’d prefer not to live with. Let’s proceed, shall we, aaaaaahkay!

So, I’ve noticed many an “expert” have fully turned to the “zero running back theory” this season, and much like the time I accidentally witnessed two men play hide the salami, I’m somewhat curious… Should I adopt this theory as my own, maybe even attempt to say that I invented it after witnessing a distinguished member of my home league run the table on his way to fantasy glory five years ago? I, much unlike Ralph Lifshitz, who stole my entire style and ran with it to fame and glory, don’t have the blackened soul of demon, therefore taking credit for something I didn’t actually do (even though I kind of did) just doesn’t sit right with me. Did I mention Ralph stole my soulmate and now lives with her and my children in an old trap house I used to cook meth at in Boston? WHY, RALPH, WHY?!?!? All I did was gave you a style for you to run with. Smiling in my face, glad to break bread with the God… I’m getting sidetracked here, or should I say: ” I digress”? Do people still say that? Truly got to a point where I’d become furious upon reading that statement. Anyway, “I digress” yet again, and for that I apologize. Where we we? Ahhhhh, yes, zero running back theory. Does it work? Sure, if all the receivers you draft early have monster years and the running backs you draft late all become breakout stars. Or, my goodmen, you could flip the whole game on it’s back and give it the kind of pounding Peter North would be proud of by, WAIT FOR IT, WAAAAAAAAAAAIT FOR IT… taking advantage of your league-mates going to this system, while you sit back, blow a bag to the face, and calmly select a pair of elite running backs in the first three rounds, creating a powerhouse of the likes we haven’t witnessed since the Elder Gods openly walked the earth, burning grown a** men with beams of light from their eyeballs and piping down any women of their choosing. WITNESS!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! I’d like to start by informing you that my doctor prescribed me Wellbutrin, which is a mild anti-depressant, but can also help with A.D.D. (which I have in the worst way). I don’t believe in taking adderall, as it’s just another form of meth, and your boy is stimulant free (other than herbal viagra). I’ve only been taking it for two weeks thus far, but it’s totally changed my life and in multiple ways at that. Not only am I more focused than ever, as I wrote this post in record time (yes, I wrote this part last), but I’ve reached the type of mental zone that I’ve only once witnessed before, and that was Bradley Cooper in Limitless. Not only do these magic blue pills make me feel better about leaving the world of modeling to become a fantasy sports writer, but I’m not busting nuts like the Steamboat Geyser. I kid you not, this shizz is incredible!  I can’t lie to ya, I’m feelin myself like Mac Dre right now, and I pray to the Elders I never lose this feeling, for I fully believe, at this moment, that I can take on the entire world and become the most famous fantasy sports writer that ever lived… Until I crash anyway, then I’ll be back in the gutter, begging sloppy drunk chicks to take me home for a hot bath and a TV dinner. I’ll let you be the judge, but, uhhhh, watch the video after the jump to see how I feel right now.

I am Tehol Beddict and this Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em! TAKE HEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My rankings have been updated and can be found here.

Join Jay and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Want to win a Razzball T-Shirt? Try out our new Fantasy Football Team Name Generator and post your favorite below in the comment section. We’ll select a random winner next Thursday!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! There ain’t no rest for the wicked, so I must push forward even while desiring nothing more than a hot bubble bath and a 500th viewing of the Paris Hilton sex tape. It’s a been a long day, a long week for that matter, as the Seattle Seahawks crumbled in the fourth quarter like Nicolas Cage the last time he auditioned in front of Scorsese. Now they travel to face their former archrival, the San Francisco 49ers, and the Elder Gods have been sending me signs all week that the final result will send me into the sort of life-altering tailspin that I read about in James Frey’s biography, A Million Little Pieces. You know, the one that turned out to be completely made up after he melted the hearts of Americans everywhere, letting us know that however screwed up we were, that we could overcome any obstacles in our path? Oh powerful Elders, I ask you here and now to bless me with a team I can get behind. Something to believe in to carry me through the unbearable tortures that life bestows upon us! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Join Jay and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please Note: Most lineups in most formats, including Daily Fantasy, will lock at 9:30 AM EDT (6:30 AM PDT) tomorrow because of the London game. Don’t forget to set your lineups accordingly!

Greetings! What an exhilarating Thursday Night Football game! Exhilarating if you enjoy watching dumpster fires or binge watching beastiality videos. Sometimes the Elder Gods like to remind us that their more meaningful things one can do with their time other than watch football games. Are you, like me, obsessed with all things NFL? Do you bail out on your significant other or turn down invitations to try exciting new things, simply because you can’t stand the thought of missing out on a single play? Sometimes it’s nice to take a breather, get out of the house and enjoy not being tortured by fantasy football for a few hours. I’d like to challenge those of you that are suffering from the same addiction as myself, to get out and at least take a walk to clear your head and think about some positive changes you can make in your life. Like, for example, stop saving money for your children’s college funds, and instead, send that money to me so that I may continue funding my quest to become world famous. I have Paypal. Cool? Cool, let’s talk about some players I like and dislike, shall we?

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Start Em’, Sit Em’! Take heed!

My rankings have been updated for Sunday’s game and can be found here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Talk about a fun Week 1, eh! Well, that is unless you were drilled like a Kardashian sister at an after party during NBA All-Star weekend. Let me share something with you, something that comes from the bottom of my heart… the worst, and frankly ONLY negative that comes with this job is doling out what turns in to being horrid advice. My eyes bleed rain like the Niagara Falls when I go back through the comment section and see even ONE awful call. Knowing that I may have lost one reader, one Beddict supporter, is almost too much to bear. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he’s an emotional man-god. With that being said, there’s no job I could possibly enjoy more in the world than talking fantasy football and mildly entertaining the four of you who actually read my posts. It brings more joy to my life than licking it’s own butt hole does to a Doberman. Maybe I’m just extra emo this week, due to that excruciatingly disgusting Seahawks road loss, but I just wish everyone could win, because losing blows Mastodon you know what.

Anyways, now that week one is in the books and we have a better idea of how some of these players are going to be utilized, let’s bang out in Week 2, y’all!! My rankings are below and will be updated throughout the week as injury statuses are updated. I am Tehol Beddict, and this Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Totally awesome Thursday Night Football, right? A wretched performance by T-Pain, Bob Kraft’s trout-ass trotting around the field like a prized gelding, the Steelers headsets “malfunctioning”, and of course, GROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK, is all I really took away from a game that was missing what was basically every player I wanted to watch, due to a suspension for smoking that sticky icky. The game went pretty much as I expected, other than D’Angelo treating the Patriots run defense the way my favorite porn star and close friend, Mandingo, treats his co-stars. No sir, I am not sold on the Patriots being a contender this season. My apologies to the mass-holes, who verbally beat me like a piñata each and every day on Twitter for that epic Seattle Seahawks fail in the Super Bowl. Your time is coming. Oh yes, your time is coming (laughs maniacally while coating my naked body in Vaseline). But seriously though, who cares about real football!? This is a fantasy site, ya’ll! Communicating with the Elder Gods is a complicated and somewhat challenging affair; It involves an immense fire pit, sage brush, a quarter oz. of Peyote, a fifth of Everclear, animal sacrifice, and a bit of luck. Even when they accept my summons and pass the peace pipe with me, deciphering their language and riddles is a most difficult thing to accomplish, but I do my utmost, and that is all one can ask of a man such as myself. Below, is what the Elders have foretold for Week 1.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ’em and Sit ’em. Take heed!

You can check out my rankings here, for all your roster needs…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last Week: 9-5-2, Season Record: 94-69-4 

Greetings! I come to you humbled and begging your forgiveness after my lock of the week pushed this past week, as the Seahawks failed to put their foot on the neck of the Whiners for reasons I’m still struggling to figure out. Myself and the Hawks will make up for it this week, and that’s a guarantee straight from the horses mouth… I’ve been compared to a horse for reasons I’ll leave up to your imagination, and I’m not talking Mr. Ed. Wiiiiiiiilllbuuuuuuur. Put on your big boy/girl thong and let’s get this mula!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greeting and salutations! Tis I, Beddict, back from a Thanksgiving vacation full of oiled up women and turkey basters galore. I come to you rejuvenated and ready to finish the season strong. I missed my 2nd lock of the week two weeks ago with Minnesota back-dooring me at home against Green Bay, and I’m just now getting over the burning sensation in my soul that makes the savage sting from a Portuguese man o’ war seem like a nip from a 15-year-old, toothless Beagle.

I sort of made up for it with a 5-0 week during my vacation. Did that pay for my mortgage for a year or just erase my debt to the Russian Mob? I’ll never tell. The quest for the perfect week continues… I suppose I was perfect last week but that wasn’t my usual full slate of games. I’m not one to look for the easy way out… unless of course I’m locked in Sky’s basement again. In that case, I’ll always take the easy way out, for that was one of the most trying and terrifying moments of my life. Let’s get on with it before I have to blow another six figures on my therapist.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Alright, alright, alright. I keep getting older but I stay looking the same age. That may be because of the lipo, as I’ve had enough fat sucked out of my glutes to choke Moby Dick. Adrian Peterson certainly doesn’t require any amount of liposuction, as the man is built straight out of the Elder Gods’s fantasies. At 6’1″ and 220 pounds, this man could run through a concrete wall and probably destroy ISIS in its entirety this weekend. Peterson was also a winner in the courtroom this week, pleading no contest to one count of misdemeanor reckless assault, which hit him with a monstrous $4,000.00 fine and a couple hours of community service. That one’s really got dent the old pocket book, eh? Let’s just say he won’t be taking any of his 27 kids to shopping sprees in the short term.

Being that this case was handled in court, and it comes off as such a minor offense, I would have to assume AP will be eligible to play in Week 11. I know what you’re thinking… “There’s still no way Peterson beats out Asiata, right? The guy has scored more often than Beddict at a Sandals resort Halloween party.” Sorry, Asiata and McKinnon fans, this is Peterson’s show, and when he rides in like a gallant stallion to carry the Vikings to a playoff birth, Coach Zimmer will not stand in his path. Has there ever been a superior roster addition this late in the season in fantasy history? Josh Gordon is already owned everywhere, so the answer, guys and gals, is a resounding no. This is truly incredible, as any fantasy team that was bordering on playoff contention now has a legit shot at the title if they were able to swoop up AP. For my roster, I’m assuming he’s going to be an upgrade over Ben Tate and Chris Ivory… but I’ve been wrong before. Kudos to you if you had the foresight to grab AP a couple weeks back or were gifted him on this week’s waiver wire claims. I see mountainous orgies and many glorious victories in your future. Now, if you weren’t blessed with AP on the wire… may the Elder Gods take mercy on your souls.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?