Insurance has been at the forefront of my mind lately. Maybe it’s all the Baker Mayfield Progressive commercials brainwashing me. But most of the time when Baker comes on screen with his book club, I’m just wondering how it’s possible that a large insurance company couldn’t find a better spokesperson than Mayfield. So then maybe it’s all the Patrick Mahomes and Aaron Rodgers State Farm commercials brainwashing me. But most of the time when Patrick and Aaron come on I’m just giggling about the gallon of ketchup Mahomes is pouring on his steak. So, that can’t be it. Ah ha! I just figured it out. It’s those Geico Motaur commercials—a half man, half motorcycle talking nonsense is what speaks to my subconscious mind. If they hired an NFL up and comer to play the role of Motaur it would have to be Christian Kirk, his upper body already looks very stallion-like. He also went off for 2 catches for 86 yards and his 2nd and 3rd touchdowns Monday night which, based on Mayfield’s deal, must be worth at least a ten commercial contract. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

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A lot of people think fantasy writers spend our days and nights surrounded by B-list rappers from the 2000s (I see you Chingy!), 16 big-screen TVs playing NFL Red Zone, and Mike Mayock on speed dial (does Twitter have speed dial?). OK, that’s actually how Grey and Donkey Teeth spend their days. But me? I’m a lowly midwestern Vikings fan living in Packers territory running DSL off a bankrupt company. Thanks to the novel piranhavirus that delayed the Titans/Bills game, I’m submitting this article before some of the top quarterbacks have even finished playing. But, I’m not alone in my wishes to be hanging with Luda, have a fiber connection, and a direct line to Dick Butkus (wait, did I say that last part?). Most of the fantasy world is delayed right now due to scoring glitches caused by Tuesday night football. So, let’s huddle up…no, not that close…and take a look at how the quarterbacks are shaping up for the rest of your fantasy football season. 

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When I first started writing with Razzball, I was fairly convinced it was one of those MLM-schemes. You know, the kind of thing like scented candles, or really expensive vitamin patches, or leggings that don’t improve your yoga whatsoever. Because when I came into Razzball Headquarters for the interview, Donkey Teeth had all of that going on in his office. “Can I offer you a Cran-Razzle-Berry Tonic Water?” he started, his zebra-striped leggings leaving little to the imagination. “It’s fortified with Taurine!” I politely declined, reaching for a chair before DT pulled the splits to stop me. “Can’t let you sit in that before I cleanse it!” he said with a smile. He pulled out some sort of chicken feather duster and chanted as he cleaned the seat. I swore the chant was to the tune of the Super Bowl Shuffle. When the chair was properly cleansed, I took a seat and pulled out a folder that had my rankings inside, ready to do my interview. DT had no desk in his office, just a giant bench that I later found out he stole from the sidelines of Soldier Field before it was demolished. “Let me introduce you to my co-editor, Kerryon,” he said, gesturing to the Fathead of Kerryon Johnson on the wall. I laughed, which really didn’t help things. I handed over my rankings, proud of my #1 choice, Lamar Jackson. DT just laughed, and I asked what he found funny about my rankings. “There’s no hot takes in here!” he said, his zebra-striped legs man-spreading across the Soldier Field bench. “There’s promise, yes, but not a single hot take.” DT said he would bring me on board, as long as I started getting others on board with some bold takes. 

Four weeks later, Justin Herbert appeared in the top 12 of this ranking series. DonkeyTeeth, I hope I made you proud! 

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On Monday Night Football (the second one, not the first one), Todd Gurley finally broke out for fantasy owners (kind of). By “broke out,” I mean that he found the end zone not once, but twice — despite averaging just 3.5 yards per carry. That’s as hot as a lukewarm cup of coffee — as sexy as assless chaps with patches sewn in. It was the kind of performance that you had to be pleased with if you had him in your lineup, but at the same time, you were probably also clapping slowly while shooting those around you sneaky glares out the corner of your eyes to see if they were equally excited. On the plus side, Gurley out-touched Brian Hill 17-to-six, one week after Hill appeared to be the much more explosive back even as Gurley rushed for 80 yards and a touchdown. On the down side, Gurley caught just one pass for the second consecutive week (Ito Smith and Hill combined for five grabs), bringing his season total to a measly four receptions. Gurley clearly isn’t the back he once was, however, he did show some elusiveness inside the green zone on his first rushing touchdown, even shaking a second would-be tackler for the score. This is the point we’re at with running backs in 2020, as both Austin Ekeler and Nick Chubb went down in Week 4 with significant injuries. I am actually, tentatively, kind-of excited about Gurley. This is not good.

On the opposing sideline, Aaron Jones enjoyed yet another strong week, rushing 15 times for 71 yards (4.7 YPC) and hauling in five passes for 40 yards and a touchdown. The Packers look like the cream of the crop in the NFC (right alongside Seattle), as the Super Bowl could (I said could) potentially pit two State Farm figureheads against one another in Aaron Rodgers and Patrick Mahomes. Can you imagine the marketing potential for State Farm!? Let’s all buy stock now! *does quick Google search* It’s already up 4.2% since Sept. 23 — people must really be catching on. Unfortunately, my popularity stock over on Reddit — and in life — is doing the exact opposite. My parents visited last week, and somehow, my father locked himself in the stairwell three different times. Again, this is 2020. This is real. And this is not good.

Before I lose everyone’s attention, let’s get into the Week 5 rest of season top 60 running back rankings. But first — a quick trip around the league.

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Just north of Chicago, Fermilab was one of the most important sites in the Manhattan Project, which resulted in the development of the first atomic bombs during World War II. Throughout the Cold War, the particle accelerator at Fermilab crashed protons together at speeds nearing that of light, and scientists investigated their interactions to learn the deepest secrets of the universe. With research budgets under attack, the scientists at Fermilab brought in the top minds from Japan to work with the local businesses — namely the Chicago Bears — to study the deepest secrets of quarterbacks. With some of the nuances of English lost in translation, many of the Japanese scientists said they had unlocked the energy that would bring success to the Bears’ franchise quarterback. The report they drew up was titled, “Big Mitch Power.” 

But there was a group of dissenting scientists who argued that “Big Nick Power” was the secret to the Bears’ success in 2020. They kept pointing to the salary of the Bears’ backup quarterback, Nick Foles, as the proof that the incumbent Trubisky was indeed a “Little Mitch.” Meanwhile, Big Nick Power had the arm and the salary to justify his stature as the Bears starting quarterback going forward. 

Until Week 3, it was unknown whether Bears’ head coach Matt Nagy was concerned about his QB being a “Little Mitch,” but when Trubisky failed to inspire the Bears offense during their matchup against the Falcons, Nagy indeed outed himself as a believer in Big Nick Power. 

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Did anyone else have a case of the pandemic Mondays this week? Mine was brutal. I slept until around noon before feasting on a bowl of Lucky Charms with chocolate chips and whipped cream—don’t worry I had a nice big glass of cucumber, kale and celery juice too. Then, after the insulin injection, it was off to the couch for my early afternoon nap where I dreamt of a shirtless photo shoot with Russell Wilson, Tyler Lockett and D.K. Metcalf. I woke up just in time to inhale my Monday evening nachos and watch an episode of Game of Thrones before the Chiefs/Ravens game. Unfortunately for Baltimore, the Ravens defense never woke up from their own Monday afternoon nap; they looked like White Walkers out on the field as Patrick Mahomes went all Arya Stark on them with a line of 31/42 for 385 yards, 4 carries for 26 yards, 4 passing touchdowns and his 1st rushing touchdown—he now has 9 passing touchdowns on the year. Those who were thinking about dropping Mahomie below #2 in their rest of season QB rankings might want to reconsider. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Game of Thrones Spoiler Alert for this round up, fair warning!

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You ever watch that move Napoleon Dynamite? Come on, you’re looking at advanced statistics for your imaginary football team — I KNOW you’ve got that movie on DVD and a “Vote for Pedro” shirt sitting non-ironically in your closet. ENYWHEY, there’s the character of Uncle Rico, who kept taking film of himself throwing a football in an effort to chuck it over a local mountain or grain field or really, just about any object that could be placed in front of him. Now, after the complete decimation that your fantasy football team received in week 2, are you thinking, nay, hoping that some team will sign Uncle Rico so he can bring his swagger and dynamite — see what I did there? — arm to your favorite team? Well, worry not! Blake Bortles has come back! Undrafted free agent Nick Mullens is taking the field! Taysom Hill is making $8 million to be the third best quarterback on the Saints and he’s completed 6 passes in his NFL career. And Kaep is still on the outside. At this point, let’s give Uncle Rico a shot. Heck, Gardner Minshew is 90% Uncle Rico DNA. Fingers crossed no more QBs get hurt in Week 3, otherwise you should be gearing up to start Dwayne Haskins in your next DFS hot taek.  

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Did you know that Rudy Gamble spent a full year at BBQ joints across the south and midwest studying to prepare the Pigskinonator? That’s dedication! Ultimately, pit bosses got wise to his tricks when he kept complaining about the “small sample size” of pulled pork he was getting. After his sojourn, Rudy returned to the nacho-cheese coated interior of Razzball Headquarters and developed the most advanced imaginary football management player performance predictor in existence: The Pigskinonator. Ultimately we had to get a restaurant permit because it turned out that Rudy really did roast a whole hog every time he ran the numbers. He said offers of roasted pork shoulder really appeased the fantasy football gods. Anywho. You should take a gander at the premium football offerings that Rudy provides because they’re legitimately the best way to think about whether you want to start Boston Scott or Nyheim Hines this week. Starting at $1 a week, you’re getting Rudy’s constantly updated weekly rankings, which account for, well, everything. If you’re into daily fantasy, check out the DFS option, which gives you an awesome lineup optimization tool that will make setting a competitive DFS lineup a breeze. On Rudy’s #1 projected lineup for the Thurs-Monday slate on DraftKings last week, I made nearly 300% return on investment. Whether it be your office league or DFS, all fantasy sports is about stacking the odds, and it’s good to have a tool in your belt that can help out in a pinch. 

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I went to the doctor yesterday to request a procedure. No, not an enlargement, those are apparently on hold until post-pandemic. I was there to see if my doc would inject the Thursday night Texans vs. Chiefs game directly into my veins; I wasn’t sure if ocular consumption would be enough to tide my cravings until Sunday afternoon. You wouldn’t believe how rude the women at the front desk was to me. Here’s a direct quote, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s! Please stop talking to the Dr. Pepper dispenser and put your clothes back on!” Hey, lady, how bout a little compassion for an addict?!

Speaking of compassion, Clyde Edwards-Helaire had none of it for the Texans in the season opener. The hyped up rookie gashed the Houston defense by taking 25 carries for 138 yards and a touchdown. Granted there were times when it seemed the Texans had only 3-men in the box and Clyde didn’t impress at the goal line, but even Edwards-Helaire haters have to admit he looked great otherwise. And the Mahomes led offense will yield plenty of light boxes throughout the season. I ranked CEH #11 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings, and looking to the rest of the season, I’d bump him up to #5 or 6 after this impressive week one workload. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

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Week 1 is finally here! Are you ready for some football? Thursday night party! And by party I mean small gatherings of less than 6 people. 

B_Don and Donkey Teeth have to talk about the recent Odell Beckham story to lead off the show. Then, we get into the tight end overview. Both of us have Kelce over Kittle and then we talk about DT’s infatuations, Darren Waller and Rob Gronkowski. We give our case for why we are lower on Tyler Higbee than the industry coming off his strong 2019 finish. B_Don then tries to talk DT off Jonnu Smith’s bum a**. 

After the TE discussion, we take a look at some seasonal awards where we both give you our MVPs, draft values, SB predictions, sleepers, busts, breakouts, and ROY. We wrap up the show with a couple of fan questions from @AGrieke and @BensGotTweets as they prepare for week 1. 

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