Welcome to the start of 2018 NFL DFS season. You’re probably familiar with Donkeycorns, the wandering mythical creature who rewards your trust with a path through the desert, from the MLB Closer Report. In DFS A Donkey is someone that does foolish things. When it comes to daily fantasy, we’re all Donkeys sometimes. I’m your DFS Donkeycorn. Follow me through the fantasy desert.

Did you use Rudy’s Tools for the MLB season? You probably enjoyed success if you did. The biggest advantage a model gives you is its consistency. It doesn’t have biases. It won’t get mad at Julio Jones for not scoring touchdowns, despite the natural variability of NFL TD scoring. I recently asked Rudy how difficult it would be to start my own model. His response was, considering I have over 1,000 hours sunk into mine this off-season, not very. So get the 7-day free trial, pay for the season once that ends, and be glad Rudy exists to grind away at a projection system so you don’t have to. I’ll focus on the Sunday main slate using Fanduel pricing below.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sometimes you’re the dog — sometimes you’re the hydrant. Ben Roethlisberger was one of my QB sit recommendations last week and this week he is my first QB start recommendation. Last week I recommended you start 49ers WR Marquise Goodwin and this week I want nothing to do with anyone on offense for San Francisco. What a difference a week makes!

I’ve got your cure for the bye week blues right here:

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When given the opportunity, I will never not use this. You have my word.

Look guys, if I could make a post where it was just that GIF and nothing else, I’d do it. But that’s kind of like someone spending a few hours making you cupcakes and then just eating the frosting. Sorry mom! And trust me, this was a hard decision-making process I went through there, with all the HARF HARF Big Ben GIFs that we have uploaded and ready to go, sorta how Roethlisberger describes himself around the bathroom stall. And while it sucks that I’ve been writing about football so long that I know how to spell Roethlisberger’s last name without Googling it first, it does give some perspective on a pretty intriguing Sunday Night Football game, probably the most intrugingest of the year. On another note, I’ve been doing this long enough to make up my own words, so yeah. Both teams have a questionable loss, but are 2-1, both teams have playoff aspirations (with potential… I’m sure the Browns, actually, no, I’m sure the Colts have aspirations, just not the potential, for example), and both are expecting their star running backs to make their debut tonight. One because he’s gets injured every three weeks, and other because of the ganja. Who will make the bigger impact? Which team will come out on top, thus taking a closer step to eventually losing to the Patriots in the playoffs? How many timeouts will Andy Reid eat? Find out all the answers to these questions and more tonight!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

dsk

Ah yes, the dreaded Monday Night Football opener, showcasing four teams that you sorta-kinda are interested in, but not really and would probably just put on as background noise if this was Week 10. So basically any other Monday Night Football game not including the opener. While the concept is of a doubleheader on Monday is pretty cool, the execution of it isn’t, much like a queef. Why? Well, even though we still have a year of Chris Berman left, we still have to actually sit through a year of having Chris Berman. That’s check number one. Number two, this is the production team that gave you the Chip Kelly “Fast Tempo” clock when the Eagles played, marveling Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico by giving him a clock that basically counted up instead of down. Jesus. And this is also the same production crew that brought you a couple years of Ray Lewis’… whatever you call it. You say words, I say ear stabbings. He’s stabby. Not much you can do about that. True, they replaced him with Randy Moss, but really, if I still have to listen to Steve Young’s hot takes, I’m not sure where improvement will come from. At the very least, they actually do show football, the one redeeming feature of ESPN’s Monday presentation, and tonight we’re in for a special treat, a team with an alleged rapist quarterback, a team with a racist name, a team that strives for mediocrity on a yearly basis (Los Angeles will love that, I’m sure) and a team that’s just plain bad. Monday Night Football!

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One of the most difficult words to say in the English language has five letters and starts with an ‘s’. Any guesses? You could go in a multitude of directions here, and before you take it down the avenue that garners a solid (not the word) ‘That’s what she said’ from Michael Scott (also not the word), let me just try to get this out.

So…wait. (Exhale). Ok, deep breathe. Let’s try again.

Sor…nope! Not easy. Just simply too much pride in the male ego. But we can do this. If Justin Bieber can sing an entire song about it, I got this.

SORRY. (Cue fireworks, confetti, streamers, balloons and kazoos). Man, I feel a little better now. Do you?

Truth is, the past two weeks on this little advice column have been quite poopy. Call it bad luck, of which a large dose of fantasy football is comprised of, or just bad math, either way it hasn’t been pretty. Each week my goal is to give you great options to compile the best lineup for a 22-man league in FanDuel. Why?

Each week we offer a 22-man Razzball-only FanDuel Contest that pays out the top-5 finishers! Think you’re good enough to operate beyond just luck and work your way to the top of the standings? Then put your money where your fingertips are and enter the $5 Contest for Week 15!

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firerivers

I think everyone knows of my (now patented!) unbiased Chargers fandom when it comes to the pleasurable sport of football. I find solace in my own restraint, rationality, and humbleness in terms of rooting for a singular team while covering the league. I… ah, who are we kidding. All of us have our vices. Grey sports a mustache. Tehol doesn’t wear pants. And myself? Well, I root for the Chargers. What can I say? I love the smell of hot mediocrity in the morning. But tonight, it’s my night. A Chargers primetime game means I’m going to be in my element. And by element, I mean completely and utterly blackout drunk. How would this be any different than any other Monday you might ask? I’d say: It’s not. I’ll just be doing it in my power blues…

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Stay classy Baltimore!

Stay classy Baltimore!

In what will be the official debut of “Don’t Give a Sh*t Era” Michael Vick, the 0-3 Ravens travel to Pittsburgh to see if their team is interested in a getting a win. Strangely enough, this was the first ever winless September for the Ravens. Unless you count in terms of public relations, then I would say, based on the picture above, that last season’s September winless record is still intact. The Steelers have their own set of issues with the aforementioned Michael Vick starting with Ben Roethlisberger suffering a MCL sprain last Sunday. While I’m sure still having Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell is nothing to scoff at, it’ll be interesting to see which Vick shows up tonight; will it be the “watch me earn salary I’m going to do nothing to justify” type of game or “I’m going to trigger my disability insurance” type of game. You’d think both would be similar performances, but then you’d be wrong. The game will probably come down to how productive Le’Veon Bell is, now his second official game coming off his suspension. Logic dictates that since Justin Forsett has been an absolute dumpster fire that the Ravens would not be familiar enough with the concept of a running game to be able to defend against it, but I guess we’ll see. On the bright side, the Ravens do have an elite quarterback…

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Don’t cover Gronk. What’s the worst he can do? - Keith Butler.

“Don’t cover Gronk. What’s the worst he can do?” – Keith Butler.

Even though the pregame show lasted about as long as a soccer game does (with all the appropriate New England circle-jerking, including, but definitely not limited to the Dropkick Murphies performing), we were soon allowed to settle in and watch the first game of the 2015 regular season. Right from the start, the Patriots offense seemed fueled by their overwhelming whiteness, as if Bill Belichick knew that I wanted to experience what it’s like to eat an entire box of saltines while stuck in traffic outside of Boise, Idaho inside a Ford Fiesta listening to the White Stripes. Speaking of Julian Edelman and Rob Gronkowski, I’d say (with my analytical prowess) they played a huge part of the Patriots eventual win. Well, almost as much as Josh Scobee (missing two field goals) and the Steelers secondary (who thought Gronk was overrated), both of which forced Mike Tomlin to go into his ‘Choke-A-B*itch” resting face for pretty much the entire night…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? I am too! I’m trying out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. If you want, you can join up with me! (Played FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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steelermom-0121-sds-1bdcb2a5903ec5e2

The word coming out of Pittsburgh is that the Steelers aren’t about to panic, but it should be noted this is what people usually say when they are panicking. In an epic battle between two 3-3 teams (funny story, did you know Seattle is also 3-3?), the Steelers look to rebound from what has been an inconsistent season so far. In this case, whatever Ben Roethlisberger has wanted, did, in actuality, not happen. Maybe the story would be different if their games were played in the bathroom stall? But the next best thing for them is they are on a three-game set at home, starting with the equally inconsistent J.J. Watts, who some people call the Texans. Watt leads the NFL with 20 hits on quarterbacks (please hit Ben a lot tonight), and has 40% of the team’s sacks. What would help is Ryan Fitzpatrick showing more of that Fitzmagic. Err, wait, that magic has actually led to a 58.9 passer rating, so maybe less magic here bro. But keep the beard. Trying to figure out if you’re a confederate general from the Civil War, or the lead singer of the Spin Doctors is the only thing that entertains me when you’re trying to drive the football. It’s Monday Night Football, so it’ll be interesting to see if my television can survive the Chris Berman onslaught combined with Steve Young’s hot takes. Trying to figure out what Wes Welker snuck into Jon Grudan’s water is also high on my priority list.

Please, blog, may I have some more?