Insurance has been at the forefront of my mind lately. Maybe it’s all the Baker Mayfield Progressive commercials brainwashing me. But most of the time when Baker comes on screen with his book club, I’m just wondering how it’s possible that a large insurance company couldn’t find a better spokesperson than Mayfield. So then maybe it’s all the Patrick Mahomes and Aaron Rodgers State Farm commercials brainwashing me. But most of the time when Patrick and Aaron come on I’m just giggling about the gallon of ketchup Mahomes is pouring on his steak. So, that can’t be it. Ah ha! I just figured it out. It’s those Geico Motaur commercials—a half man, half motorcycle talking nonsense is what speaks to my subconscious mind. If they hired an NFL up and comer to play the role of Motaur it would have to be Christian Kirk, his upper body already looks very stallion-like. He also went off for 2 catches for 86 yards and his 2nd and 3rd touchdowns Monday night which, based on Mayfield’s deal, must be worth at least a ten commercial contract. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I went to the doctor yesterday to request a procedure. No, not an enlargement, those are apparently on hold until post-pandemic. I was there to see if my doc would inject the Thursday night Texans vs. Chiefs game directly into my veins; I wasn’t sure if ocular consumption would be enough to tide my cravings until Sunday afternoon. You wouldn’t believe how rude the women at the front desk was to me. Here’s a direct quote, “Sir, this is a Wendy’s! Please stop talking to the Dr. Pepper dispenser and put your clothes back on!” Hey, lady, how bout a little compassion for an addict?!

Speaking of compassion, Clyde Edwards-Helaire had none of it for the Texans in the season opener. The hyped up rookie gashed the Houston defense by taking 25 carries for 138 yards and a touchdown. Granted there were times when it seemed the Texans had only 3-men in the box and Clyde didn’t impress at the goal line, but even Edwards-Helaire haters have to admit he looked great otherwise. And the Mahomes led offense will yield plenty of light boxes throughout the season. I ranked CEH #11 overall in my 2020 fantasy football rankings, and looking to the rest of the season, I’d bump him up to #5 or 6 after this impressive week one workload. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last year was the debut of the RazzBowl and it was objectively the best thing that happened in 2019. Like any good host, I took it easy on all of our industry guests (and a few lucky fans), bowing out in the first round of the year one playoffs. I’m not saying I threw the contest, but I could have won and instead I let Mike Beers of RotoViz win. Oh, that’s the exact definition of throwing it? Well, now the gloves are coming off in year two—at least until I have to go out to the grocery store. I ran out of disposable gloves week’s ago so now I’m digging into my supply of magnum condoms which I knew would eventually come in handy for something.  If you missed out on this year’s RazzBowl, there’s still a couple ways to win your way into next years contest and compete against some of the biggest names in the fantasy industry. One of those ways is our NFFC Qualifier Money Leagues which has only a couple spots remaining, sign up here:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Since time immemorial tight ends have perplexed the world. We all know you want an end that’s tight, but how tight is too tight? The great Albert Einstein tackled this enigma with his theory of relativity, where he concluded Darren Waller epitomizes the perfect balance of tightness and plumpness in the end department. And who is Donkey Teeth to argue with genius Einstein? Waller’s an adonis of a man, and well endowed too.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The doctors (Donkey Teeth and The Boof) reconvene for another week of malpractice and prognostication, this time joined by Razzball’s own B_Don! The underscores were flowing and the fantasy football talking was glowing. Sorry for that rhyme, promise I won’t rhyme anymore.

In the news segment we dove into the Deebo Samuel Jones fracture news and what it means for his fantasy outlook, plus a discussion on Mecole Hardman’s potential snap increase. Later in the soon to be Academy Award nominated feature film, we talk SFBX (Scott Fish Bowl 10) scoring intricacies, draft strategy and mock draft review, including how to value tight ends like Travis Kelce and Zach Ertz, and why Drew Brees is a secret weapon in these leagues. Tune in now to see YouTube’s #1 fake donkey doctor and #2 Boof!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Maybe you follow me on Twitter and listen to the Razzball Fantasy Football Podcast hosted by Donkey Teeth and myself. If that’s the case, you may have seen or heard these numbers. However, if following me on Twitter and listening to a podcast is too much, here are some fun numbers to look at for the upcoming season and dynasty purposes. 

Old TEs

Dynasty startups are under way. If you’re thinking about taking an older TE or WR early in the draft, this might give you a better understanding of what you’re signing up for with that pick. 

At TE, since the merger, there have been 3 players that have 1000+ yard seasons after the at the age of 31 or older. The list is Tony Gonzalez, Delanie Walker, and Greg Olsen. If we move that to the age of 32, it’s a small list. ONE. One TE (Tony Gonzalez) has more than 1000 yards at the age of 32, and no TE older than 32 has ever reached that mark.

Certainly the TE position is more of a receiving threat in the modern approach, but age has not been kind at the position. Maybe it’s due to the physical nature? Or just natural aging? But Father Time doesn’t get cheated very often. 

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In my post-NFL Draft quest to update all of my 2020 dynasty rankings I’ve finally come to tight ends. And you know what I’ve always said about tight ends. Better than loose ends! Rob Gronkowski has the tightest of ends, and he wasn’t leaving any loose ends in his legacy with Brady. Weaving the Gronk into these rankings in the wake of his comeback wasn’t easy due to his wide range of outcomes. But as Big Daddy Kane once said, “Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy.” Anyway, here’s those sweet, sweet updated top 15 tight ends for 2020 PPR dynasty football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday started like any other Saturday in this current timeline. I woke up and had my morning coffee and started meal planning for the weekend. What more is there really to think about right now other than eating and watching TV? It’s getting warmer out, so why not fire up the smoker? Ribs it is. I ran off to the grocery store after a proper hand cleaning and got my materials and fired up the smoker. If you have smoked ribs before, you probably know that the go to method is 3-2-1. Three hours unwrapped, two hours wrapped with liquid, and one hour wrapped with sauce. Bang, fall-off-the-bone goodness. 

So I have three hours to kill until I need to worry about the ribs, so some Twitter entertainment is in order. And…. President Trump is tweeting about a Lamar Jackson draft pick video. Am I in some covid fever dream? I know that Trump tried to buy the Buffalo Bills some years ago but I didn’t think he was still a casual enough observer to know of Lamar Jackson’s greatness. I thought that the extent of his football attention was being mad at the kneelers. Anyways, jokes are tweeted and I am entertained.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Quarantine Day 27:

Hey all you cool cats and kittens. Did you see the story about the tiger at the Bronx Zoo that tested positive for coronavirus? Very sad. I blame Carole Baskin. Not just for the infection of this poor feline, but for the entire COVID debacle. Speaking of which, the CDC just released some new guidelines and in order to receive a COVID-19 test in the United States you must now meet at least one of these requirements:

     a) Politician

     b) Professional athlete (Major League Soccer doesn’t count)

     c) Movie star (Porn does count)

     d) Valued tiger at the zoo

And if you check all four boxes the CDC even throws in a free roll of TP. So far only one man has cashed in on that free roll of one-ply: my preferred 2020 presidential candidate, Darren Waller. Anyway, here’s my top 15 dynasty tight ends for 2020 fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?