While I always say that Sunday Night Football is tacitly known as the premier match-up of the weekend, I wasn’t necessarily wanting to lead-off my first recap of Sunday’s games with it, but if the Cowboys and Giants continue the long NFC East tradition of having memorable derp-offs, I have very little choice in the matter. In a game that featured two interceptions and two fumbles (and that was just the Cowboys!), Run DMC being his usual “Run for two feet then drop DMC”, coaching you’d expect from the Princeton ginger Jason Garrett and a guy with the last name McAdoo, well, you’d be hard pressed to follow all that up with a fascinating and suspenseful last two minutes. But they did. After an “interesting” (to be kind) play-action call at the one-yard line (I’m assuming even Pete Carroll would call a run play there) with just about 1:40 left in the game that failed with an intentional throw out of bounds by Eli Manning, the Cowboys quickly drove down the field in just 88 seconds, scoring the go ahead touchdown shown above. On that score, Romo was able to connect with Jason Witten after dropping a bad snap, which seems like the most Romo thing ever. Unless it ended up being an interception. Good hustle Cowboys and Giants… I can’t wait to see what the derp looks like when the Eagles and Washington get involved. Especially Washington. They were born in the derp. Molded by it…
Here’s what else I saw in Week 1 (with bonus first week knee-jerk reactions!)…
Davante Adams – 4 REC, 59 YDS. Already heralded as the next coming of Jerry Rice by many, his non-Jordy debut was a bit lackluster. Randall Cobb (5 REC, 38 YDS, 1 TD) and this year’s Week 1 overreaction pick-up James Jones (4 REC, 51 YDS, 2 TD’s) seemed equally lackluster as well. I wasn’t quite sure if the Packers were really hurting a bit from Jordy Nelson’s absence (solid analysis) or if the Bears finally figured out this offseason that a functioning defense is actually something a team needs (more solid analysis). I’ve come to the conclusion that it could have been a little bit of both (the most solid analysis ever in the history of man).
Odell Beckham Jr. – 5 REC, 44 YDS. I just want to say, I blame OBJ for the 20 minute loading time at the start of Madden 16. Regardless, Eli Manning (20/36, 193 YDS and 1 CAR, 8 YDS) knows he can let Beckham make routine plays, right? They don’t all have to be impossible catches…
John Brown – 4 REC, 46 YDS, 1 TD. Oh, hey, John Brown, on my bench I see…
Dez Bryant – 5 REC, 48 YDS. After going in and out of the game from dehydration (sounds like me with Madden and a hangover), he finally left the game permanently after suffering a foot injury. He was diagnosed with a broken bone in his right foot, sidelining Bryant four-to-six weeks. Coincidentally, the teams I own him on have been diagnosed as completely broken as well. Terrence Williams (5 REC, 60 YDS) becomes the de facto number one receiver on the team with Cole Beasley (4 REC, 49 YDS) gaining even more grit.
Marques Colston – 3 REC, 29 YDS. Marques Colston isn’t dead yet?
Kirk Cousins – 21/31, 196 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, -1 YDS, 1 FUM. Turns out, Cousins kinda sucks too.
Jay Cutler – 18/36, 225 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 4 CAR, 31 YDS. Ended a potential game-winning drive with an interception. Tony Romo approved of this.
Andre Ellington – 12 CAR, 69 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 7 YDS. Ellington was diagnosed with a PCL injury in his knee, the same injury that has Breshad Perriman currently sidelined. Until Ellington returns, the Cardinals will go with a Johnson & Johnson approach (that’s mine, you can’t have it). And, for those of you wondering, I’d rather go with David than Chris, but I could be wrong. I might end up not going with either of them. For what it’s worth, Bruce Arians has already named Chris Johnson (10 CAR, 37 YDS) the team’s “lead dog”, which leads me to question why Johnson has to be a dog. There might be a timetable on Ellington this week, and Carson Palmer (19/32, 307 YDS, 3 TD’s and 3 CAR, 14 YDS) was quoted saying “It’s hopefully a day-to-day thing with Andre… I thought it was a lot more serious with the way he down.” If only his medical credentials matched his optimism…
Larry Fitzgerald – 6 REC, 87 YDS. If only Sean Peyton knew of some way to create additional incentive for his defense to stop things like this from happening…
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 15/24, 179 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT, 2 CAR, -1 YDS. CAN YOU FEEL THE FITZMAGIC? Honestly though, this concept of the Jets competence confuses and INFURIATES me. Nothing makes sense anymore…
Nick Foles – 18/27, 297 YDS, 1 TD. Nick Foles played basketball AND baseball folks. I believe a gauntlet has been laid down.
Jimmy Graham – 6 REC, 51 YDS, 1 TD. Genuinely surprised broadcasters don’t refer to Graham’s touchdowns as slam dunks.
T.Y. Hilton – 7 REC, 88 YDS. Didn’t return after suffering a left knee bruise late in the third quarter. The preliminary tests were negative, but we might know more later today. Sadly, Andre Johnson (4 REC, 24 YDS) and Frank Gore (8 CAR, 31 YDS and 2 REC, 0 YDS) were actually healthy, but I’m sure if they took tests on that, they would also be negative (I can only hope). Donte Moncrief (6 REC, 46 YDS) steps into the number two role, but I’d really hope to see Phillip Dorsett (2 REC, 45 YDS, 1 FUM) take that role, despite looking a tad bit terrible against the Bills. To be fair though, they all look terrible against the Bills…
Brian Hoyer – 18/34, 236 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT. Hoyer the Destroyer (of successful Texans drives) didn’t last long this year, as the epoch of Ryan Mallett (8/13, 98 YDS, 1 TD) has begun. May god help us all.
DeSean Jackson – Jackson was visibly angry on the sideline (though, no gang-signs were flashed), after pulling his hamstring. We’ll hopefully know more later today, but for now, Jordan Reed (7 REC, 63 YDS, 1 TD) and Pierre Garçon (6 REC, 74 YDS) will be the main beneficiaries, with Andre Roberts (3 REC, 36 YDS) and Ryan Grant (1 REC, 15 YDS) seeing extra snaps, but still remaining essentially useless.
Calvin Johnson – 2 REC, 39 YDS. This guy Megatron, I like to call him Manti Te’o’s girlfriend, because he was nonexistent all day.
Never forget.
Travis Kelce – 6 REC, 106 YDS, 2 TD. From what all the endless FanDuel and DraftKing updates told me, Kelce has now obtained god status and we must sacrifice our souls as penance. Or something like that, I have no idea. I’m still recovering from the whiplash of endless Daily Fantasy plugs yesterday. Speaking of which, if you’d like to play Daily Fantasy… oh god. The world will never be the same.
Andrew Luck – 26/49, 243 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 4 CAR, 20 YDS. Not sure what is more confusing to Luck at this point, the Bills defense or fire. It’s a caveman joke people.
Peyton Manning – 24/40, 175 YDS, 1 INT. In a game where 95% of the action took place entirely between the 30-yard lines, I have to admit, Manning looked pretty terrible. If this is early-season Manning, Week 12 through Week 17 are going to look brutal. But don’t worry, his forehead was made for butting rams, so I’m fairly sure he can find a job doing that.
Quite simply the Brownsiest thing ever.
Johnny Manziel – 13/24, 182 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 5 CAR, 35 YDS, 2 FUM. This game was kind of like a reverse ugly duckling. Maziel started out as this beautiful and graceful swan but got uglier and uglier with each possession. Orders for sadness are really taxing the Factory’s capacity right now…
Marcus Mariota – 13/16, 209 YDS, 4 TD and 2 CAR, 6 YDS. I don’t want to be too hasty, but I think it’s pretty fair to say at this point that Mariota is probably the greatest QB of all time.
Brandon Marshall – 6 REC, 62 YDS, 1 TD. After Tashaun Gipson made an interception, Marshall immediately stripped the ball (audio) and recovered the fumble, pretty much revealing the type of day the Browns were going to have. It’s nice that the Jets finally get to feel what it’s like to beat up on a criminally incompetent team. Usually, they are on the receiving end of that.
Darren McFadden – 6 CAR, 16 YDS and 1 REC, 19 YDS. He’s only 28? Okay, but his body is an unhealthy 52…
Alfred Morris – 25 CAR, 121 YDS. This is what happens when the Dolphins tackle roughly as well as an actual marine mammal with stubby flippers.
Latavius Murray – 11 CAR, 44 YDS. Murray and Amari Cooper (5 REC, 47 YDS) were a bit underwhelming, but that’s what happens when you get McGloin’ed. I’m expecting big things from them still, but I think we all have to remember that the Raiders hired Jack Del Rio. Baby steps.
Preston Parker – 2 REC, 26 YDS. Once again, never trust a man with two last names.
Isaiah Pead – 2 CAR, 3 YDS, 1 FUM. Isaiah Pead the bed. (Sorry, had to.)
Joseph Randle – 16 CAR, 65 YDS and 3 REC, 42 YDS. Randle ran as if he was carrying a package of underwear. ALLEGEDLY.
Allen Robinson – 1 REC, 27 YDS. He briefly left the game in the first half from a knee injury, but returned and played throughout the second half, where he essentially left the game completely, catching just one out of six total targets. Two of them were in the red zone though, and Joe Norman is an above average corner, so his match-up in Week 2 against the Dolphins might be a bit easier.
Aaron Rodgers – 18/23, 189 YDS, 3 TD’s and 8 CAR, 35 YDS. I have to say, with Tom Clements calling the plays now, it gives me a bit more faith that Rodgers can thrive just a bit more. And now that I think about it, if Clements really is calling the plays, it kinda makes me wonder if Mike McCarthy is now holding onto an IHOP menu during to game to figure out his post-game meal.
Tony Romo – 36/45, 356 YDS, 3 TD, 2 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Had himself quite the Buccaneers era Brad Johnson type of game.
Matthew Stafford – 19/30, 246 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Did an amazing job of Staffording the game away I’d say.
I’m happy to present J.J. Watt in full uniform and pads while deep in the forest chopping wood… because he forgot to pack a pair of jeans and a flannel.
Andre Williams – 6 CAR, 14 YDS. I’m going run BACKWARDS is always a bold strategy.
Russell Wilson – 32/41, 251 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 8 CAR, 31 YDS. Guess he doesn’t have a special water for better decision making…
Jameis Winston – 16/33, 210 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 6 CAR, 18 YDS. Did you know that Winston is the second Tampa Bay rookie quarterback to throw a pick six on his first attempt? I’m not the biggest fan of trivia overlays, but that one had so much synergy with what it means to be a Buccaneer. It’s fair to say that Winston’s debut was a bit shakey, as a lot of his throws were ill-advised. But, to be fair, Winston is used to forcing things into tight places and getting away with it…
Final Thought
