Look people, you try to make a pun out of “Ark”… Regardless, it appears that the top AFC teams coming out of the halfway point in the 2016 season are the usual New England Patriots and the… Oakland Raiders…? I honestly wish I knew why this was happening. I… I think the sun is starting to set on where I live, and I mean that in the most figurative way possible, because, you know, daylight savings time. But this is indeed a strange world we live in. The Oakland Raiders, led by the one Carr brother that’s actually not bad, Amari Cooper, and Latavius “I’ll always be 3/4 of an elite back” Murray, have managed to find themselves in first place in the AFC West with an impressive 5-0 record on the road. Because honestly, the only things that do well in Oakland are bails bondsman, and, you know, gentrification. Progress I guess. But wouldn’t it be great if the Raiders could be added that list? As a totally-not-biased-at-all-trust-me Chargers fan (and I’m throwing up a little in my mouth right now typing this), but it’s a shame that the Raiders have a solid chance to have a pretty great year, and it’s being overshadowed with rumors of the team possibly moving. And we’re talking about a post-Los Angeles not being able to be used as leverage timeline that we’re in, and Mark Davis is still able to do this. Maybe they’ll move to a magical place… called Houston. I don’t think there’s a team there… Listen, my life receives no benefit for suggesting such a radical idea as rooting about a specific aspect for a franchise that, at times, was the black eye (literally too!) of the league, but I did it anyways. A Chargers fan speaking kindly of the Raiders? Truly, the end is nigh.
Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 9 Sunday games…
Matt Asiata – 9 CAR, 27 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 8 LONG and 2 REC, 14 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 9 LONG, 2 TGTS. I see the Vikings offensive line remains as effective at run blocking as a condom that’s been chewed on by a rottweiler.
Nelson Agholor (4 REC, 41 YDS, 10.3 AVG, 23 LONG, 7 TGTS) & Trey Burton (3 REC, 55 YDS, 18.3 AVG, 32 LONG, 3 TGTS) & Ryan Mathews (5 CAR, 15 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 1 TD, 8 LONG and 1 REC, 0 YDS, 1 TGTS) & Wendell Smallwood (2 CAR, 25 YDS, 12.5 AVG, 19 LONG) & Bryce Treggs (2 REC, 69 YDS, 34.5 AVG, 58 LONG, 4 TGTS) – What are the Eagles doing with all the money they are saving by not having any wide receivers or running backs? The world deserves to know.
Jay Ajayi – 24 CAR, 111 YDS, 4.6 AVG, 1 TD, 20 LONG and 3 REC, 19 YDS, 6.3 AVG, 10 LONG 4 TGTS. This Ajayi kid is pretty good at this football thing. Who would’ve thought? (Pssst, hint, Rudy’s Pigskinator saw this coming.)
Gary Barnidge – 3 REC, 23 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 9 LONG, 3 TGTS. Never rely on Browns not to go full Brown. At best, they’ll go burgandy, and at worst, they’ll go, uh, what’s the opposite of burgandy? Like… antique yellow?
Odell Beckham Jr. – 4 REC, 46 YDS, 11.5 AVG, 2 TD, 26 LONG, 10 TGTS. Watching Beckham play is like when we’d all play flag football in grade school and there was always that one kid who was like way, way more athletic than everyone else in the class and he’d just smoke everyone. LeBron James would probably be another example of this.
Blake Bortles – 22/41, 252 YDS, 6.1 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 78.5 RTG and 6 CAR, 54 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 26 LONG. Jacksonville should change their name to JOKEsonville, amiright folks? Or JacksOFFville? I’ll leave the room now…
Dez Bryant – 1 REC, 19 YDS, 19.0 AVG, 19 LONG, 4 TGTS. Dez hates you and everything you stand for. That is all.
Corey Coleman – 3 REC, 41 YDS, 13.7 AVG, 18 LONG, 7 TGTS. The Factory of Sadness churns out some pretty solid products if you’re into sarcasm.
Amari Cooper – 6 REC, 56 YDS, 9.3 AVG, 21 LONG, 8 TGTS. I guess Denver’s defense can hang with Mister Cooper. (I’ll show myself out.)
Ezekiel Elliott – 18 CAR, 92 YDS, 5.1 AVG, 2 TD, 15 LONG and 1 REC, 5 YDS, 5.0 AVG, 5 LONG, 1 TGTS. I wonder if Elliot rides his bicycle around Dallas with Beasly in the basket wrapped up in a blanket?
Zach Ertz – 8 REC, 97 YDS, 12.1 AVG, 30 LONG, 8 TGTS. Oh hey, Zack Ertz has decided he’s no longer bad.
Joe Flacco – 18/30, 241 YDS, 8.0 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 82.8 RTG and 3 CAR, 12 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 14 LONG. I’m a big fan of never throwing the football past 10 yards, so I feel like Flacco and I would get along great. An elite friendship, if you will.
DeMarco Murray – 14 CAR, 51 YDS, 3.6 AVG, 1 TD, 13 LONG and 7 REC, 29 YDS, 4.1 AVG, 10 LONG, 7 TGTS. I knew Murray and the Titans power running game would be a threat against the Chargers. The real question is: did Mike McCoy know this as well? DOUBTFUL.
Mark Ingram – 15 CAR, 158 YDS, 10.5 AVG, 1 TD, 75 LONG and 2 REC, 13 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 1 TD, 8 LONG, 2 TGTS. I see the 49ers defense is about as strong as wet toilet paper. As a professional paper analyst, I can see it’s just one-ply. (Jed York hogs the tri-ply for himself.) As for the Tim Hightower (23 CAR, 87 YDS, 3.8 AVG, 1 TD, 9 LONG and 1 REC, 15 YDS, 15.0 AVG, 15 LONG, 1 TGTS) dilemma, I’m still going to continue to advocate for Ingram here. Talent always wins out, even with stubborn and idiotic coaches.
Eli Manning – 22/36, 257 YDS, 7.1 AVG, 4 TD, 2 INT, 96.6 RTG and 2 CAR, -4 YDS, -2.0 AVG, -1 LONG. Well, looks like Eli did all of his homework during the bye and he did show some fire in his eyes yesterday, so I bet his mom threw out his Legos. No juice boxes either. Tough life.
Sterling Shepard – 3 REC, 50 YDS, 16.7, 1 TD, 32 LONG, 6 TGTS. “And a Shepard shall lead them.” – Something that is (probably) in the Bible.
Darren Sproles – 13 CAR, 57 YDS, 4.4 AVG, 17 LONG and 3 REC, 14 YDS, 4.7 AVG, 6 LONG, 9 TGTS. Tiny Darren is kind of amazing when you think about how long he’s been in the league and how much he’s been able to accomplish with the body frame of a bee. Would anyone be surprised if Jerry Jones traded Dak Prescott (21/27, 247 YDS, 9.1 AVG, 3 TD, 141.8 RTG and 4 CAR, 20 YDS, 5.0 AVG, 13 LONG) for Tiny Darren so he can grind his bones down and process them for a rejuvenating youth tincture for Tony Romo? I mean, we have a presidential candidate who deals in witchcraft (+59 crooked agility, +26 lying mana), so let’s not rule out something that’s completely possible. You never know with these elites…
Golden Tate – 11 REC, 79 YDS, 7.2 AVG, 1 TD, 28 LONG, 12 TGTS. I saw Jim Caldwell clap and kinda gyrate his hips after Tate’s game-winning catch. The only explanation that’s feasible? He must have been rolling on molly.
Carson Wentz – 27/47, 364 YDS, 7.7 AVG, 2 INT, 64.5 RTG and 4 CAR, -4 YDS, -1.0 AVG, 3 LONG. Carson Wentz was in full-on “Just having fun out there” mode yesterday, never a good thing. But since it’s Philly. he was a bust the moment his name was called.
Mike Wallace – 4 REC, 124 YDS, 31.0 AVG, 1 TD, 95 LONG, 6 TGTS. I miss this Wallace. Wish he wouldn’t go on vacation every other week…
Jason Witten – 8 REC, 134 YDS, 16.8 AVG, 1 TD, 35 LONG, 10 TGTS. Witten, you beautiful son of a b*tch you.
LOL. AFC North derp is the only derp that comes close to NFC East derp. I submit Exhibit A…