One is an underrated story that fell apart under it’s own depressive weight and the other is the movie 28 Grams. For those who are wondering why Mark Ingram (3 CAR, 5 YDS, 1.7 AVG, 2 LONG, 1 FUM) did his best impersonation of Toby Gerhart, behold:
New Orleans Saints running back Mark Ingram lost a fumble for the second straight week during Sunday’s win over the Seattle Seahawks. …After that, all of the Saints’ handoffs went to Tim Hightower and rookie Daniel Lasco. Ingram was not available for comment in the locker room after the game. “He wasn’t carrying it loose,” Payton said of the fumble against the Seahawks. “They were able to just pull it free. We’ll be back to work with him.” Payton said not fumbling had been a point of emphasis for Ingram after the previous game, which explains the quick decision to go to Hightower. – Source.
I just want to add that Tim Hightower fumbled in the same game AND Ingram has five career fumbles. Five. You know, it would really screw up my week if I have to drive all the way out to New Orleans to punch Sean Payton in the d*ck. Anyhow, we’re here
to get ready for Halloween by eating a copious amount of Twix bars to talk about Sunday’s games and Fantasy Football, so let’s get started!
Actually, before we get started, if you’ll indulge me (don’t bother answering, as I can’t actually hear you without somehow transporting to your location in the blink of an eye, and probably a time machine), I did find myself channel-jumping between the Sunday Night Football game and Game 4 of the World Series, and I couldn’t’ help but notice…
- Never really starts on time.
- Regularly lasts more than three-and-a-half hours.
- Constant commercial interruptions right in the middle of the action.
- Never ending talk of anecdotal nonsense, generalizations, overall banal commentary, all while ignoring more interesting insights.
- Nepotistic, boys (as in athletes) club of announcers.
- Willful ignorance of player safety in general.
- Somehow able to shape public opinion against millionaire athletes in favor of billionaire owners.
Football and baseball turned into baseball and football so gradually, I didn’t even notice…
Martellus Bennett – 4 REC, 35 YDS, 16 LONG, 5 TGTS. Does Martellus Bennett love being on the Patriots, or does he love not being on the Bears? I feel like this should be the modern version of the ole paradox of the chicken and the egg.
Giovani Bernard – 11 CAR, 52 YDS, 4.7 AVG, 1 TD, 12 LONG and 1 REC, 14 YDS, 14.0 AVG, 14 LONG, 1 TGTS. Giovani Bernard: giving fantasy players a false sense of hype in bi-weekly increments for three years running!
Tom Brady – 22/33, 315 YDS, 9.5 AVG, 4 TD, 137.0 RTG and 1 CAR, 15 YDS, 15.0 AVG, 15 LONG. It appears that our only hope in the AFC to stop Tom Brady and Patriots is… wait for it… the Oakland Raiders…? Jesus. Peak 2016 has been officially reached…
Cameron Brate – 3 REC, 22 YDS, 7.3 AVG, 1 TD, 17 LONG, 5 TGTS. Brate actually had less yards this game than the Raiders had penalties (23), which is now the new NFL record mind you, and the Bucs still lost. Yesterday was not real life, I guess.
Kirk Cousins – 38/56, 458 YDS, 8.2 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 97.2 RTG and 3 CAR, -1 YDS, -0.3 AVG, 3 LONG. A missed read or “ball thrown away”… with Cousins, one can never be sure. But I’ll admit, he looked good in London, comfortable even. I mean, when you think about it, this is probably a good fit, sending these two teams to London. Redskins and Bengals were a favorite of colonial marksmen…
Andy Dalton – 27/42, 284 YDS, 6.8 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 81.8 RTG and 4 CAR, 21 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 1 TD, 14 LONG, 1 FUM. There’s also a connection to royalty with these two quarterbacks. Cousins are who they marry and Andy Dalton is what their children look like.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 16/34, 228 YDS, 6.7 AVG, 1 TD, 79.0 RTG and 4 CAR, 13 YDS, 3.3 AVG, 8 LONG. If you told me the Jets would still be starting Fitzmagic and his 11 interceptions in Week 8, I’d look at you and respond: “And you were expecting something else?”
Nick Foles – 16/22, 223 YDS, 10.1 AVG, 2 TD, 135.2 RTG and 1 CAR, -1 YDS, -1.0 AVG, -1 LONG. With Alex Smith‘s (9/19, 127 YDS, 6.7 AVG, 1 TD, 87.0 RTG and 2 CR, 9 YDS, 4.5 AVG, 8 LONG) concussion, does that mean, like, Foles is an upgrade? Do we actually want to live in a world like this?
Mike Gillislee – 12 CAR, 85 YDS, 7.1 AVG, 1 TD, 28 LONG and 3 REC, 9 YDS, 3.0 AVG, 6 LONG, 3 TGTS. Gillislee looked… competent. I don’t know if I can handle this.
Frank Gore & Robert Turbin – 11 CAR, 46 YDS, 4.3 AVG, 11 LONG and 5 REC, 50 YDS, 10 AVG, 1 TD, 18 LONG, 6 TGTS. I combined their stats to try and make them look better, but to be honest, I think this actually made them look like what you’re supposed to get from, you know, one running back…
Jimmy Graham – 3 REC, 34 YDS, 15 LONG, 5 TGTS. There was at least one “Jimmy Graham played basketball” reference. Finish your drinks, throw a cat a the TV, and punch a window. Note: Does not have to be in that order, but from personal experience, I’d recommend it.
Rob Gronkowski – 5 REC, 109 YDS, 21.8 AVG, 1 TD, 53 LONG, 7 TGTS. And that’s 69 touchdowns for Gronk in his career; the all-time franchise record in New England. Of course it was 69 and of course you know some BU coeds are going to be getting scored on this week worse than those Bills defensive backs…
Tyler Eifert – 9 REC, 102 YDS, 11.3 AVG, 1 TD, 22 LONG, 12 TGTS. He gets an A for Eifert.
Ezekiel Elliott – 22 CAR, 96 YDS, 4.4 AVG, 16 LONG and 4 REC, 52 YDS, 13.0 AVG, 25 LONG, 4 TGTS. I think Elliott is like my opposite, in that he’s strong, athletic, and doesn’t start crying when surrounded by large men.
Mike Evans – 4 REC, 50 YDS, 12.5 AVG, 18 LONG, 11 TGTS. Well, sh*t. #ExpertAnalysis
DeAndre Hopkins – 4 REC, 44 YDS, 11.0 AVG, 14 LONG, 7 TGTS. If a nobody scores in fantasy, does it really count?
Marvin Jones – 3 REC, 33 YDS, 11.0 AVG, 11 LONG, 7 TGTS. “We’re here for you, buddy.” – Alcohol.
Robert Kelley – 21 CAR, 87 YDS, 4.1 AVG, 1 TD, 16 LONG. So, remember those few minutes when Matt Jones was fantasy relevant? Those were the days… If Kelley does keep this up, Gruden has a long history of letting the hot hand soak up the majority of snaps, so keep that in mind.
Christine Michael – 10 CAR, 40 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 1 TD, 10 LONG and 1 REC, 2 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 2 LONG, 2 TGTS. I’m not especially high on Michael, nor am I low, and he’s produced numbers that match my conclusion. So it would seem I have no strong feelings on what his fantasy value is.
J.J. Nelson – 8 REC, 79 YDS, 9.9 AVG, 2 TD, 19 LONG, 12 TGTS. I really think he was taking advantage of the Carolina defense being so exhausted from sacking Carson Palmer (8 SACKS, 47 YDS) for over three hours. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! I would say with Jaron Brown’s injury and the recent missing person’s report filed for Micahel Floyd, Nelson will still have some value, even with John Brown returning soon.
Brock Osweiler – 20/29, 186 YDS, 6.4 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 83.4 RTG and 3 CAR, -3 YDS, -1.0 AVG, -1 LONG. I blame the millennials for Osweiler.
Terrelle Pryor Sr. – 6 REC, 101 YDS, 16.8 AVG, 35 LONG, 13 TGTS. So, is he a wide receiver disguised as a running back or a running back disguised as a wide receiver? Or wait, isn’t that just the same thing?
Philip Rivers – 20/47, 267 YDS, 5.7 AVG, 2 TD, 3 INT, 48.8 RTG. Guess that’s my cue to start drinking the hard stuff…
Jacquizz Rodgers – 19 CAR, 69 YDS, 3.6 AVG, 1 TD, 12 LONG and 1 REC, 9 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 9 LONG, 1 TGTS. I’m so glad that someone named their child Jacquizz, and that this child became an NFL player, because the world needs to know about that name…
Wendell Smallwood – 1 CAR, -5 YDS, -5.0 AVG, -5 LONG, 1 FUM. Smallwood seems to be just like me, in that he can’t do anything positive and his balls are constantly handled carelessly.
Golden Tate – 7 REC, 42 YDS, 6.0 AVG, 13 LONG, 9 TGTS. Man, who would’ve guessed the offensive combination of Matthew Stafford (27/41, 240 YDS, 5.9 AVG, 1 TD, 89.5 RTG), Jim Bob Cooter, and a golden taint would be anything less than a powerhouse?
Chris Thompson – 7 CAR, 14 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 6 LONG and 5 REC, 27 YDS, 5.4 AVG, 13 LONG, 5 TGTS. The Washington Re…gressions. The only offensive thing is watching them play.
Spencer Ware – 7 CAR, 19 YDS, 2.7 AVG, 7 LONG and 2 REC, 28 YDS, 14.0 AVG, 23 LONG, 2 TGTS. Exited the game due to concussion with Charcandrick West (14 CAR, 52 YDS, 3.7 AVG, 18 LONG and 2 REC, 8 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 6 LONG, 3 TGTS) taking over over running back duties (apt I think) until Charles returns. Hey, how is Charles doing anyways?
Russell Wilson – 22/34, 253 YDS, 7.4 AVG, 1 INT, 74.8 RTG and 3 CAR, 11 YDS, 3.7 AVG, 5 LONG. Ah yes, the strategic intentional pick. Just as it was drawn up.
For once, the biggest dildo on the field in Buffalo isn’t Richie Incognito…