You likely haven’t heard this story before. It was kept under tight wraps by the request of San Francisco 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan. Back in his days as a graduate assistant at UCLA, Shanahan jumped on a plane to go see his dad Mike who was coaching the Pro Bowl out in Hawaii. But Kyle’s plane never made it to Hawaii, crashing mid-flight. As the lone survivor, Kyle Shanahan found himself living on a deserted island for four years with only a volley ball to keep him company. Shanahan named his volley-ball-companion, Jeff Wilson. True story. Cut to 13 years later and Shanahan nostalgically handed the non-volley ball version of Jeff Wilson 17 carries for 112 yards, 2 catches for 8 yards and his 2nd, 3rd and 4th touchdowns as he bulldozed the New England Patriots’ run defense. Even the great Pigskinonator didn’t see this coming! Unfortunately, Wilson left the game with an ugly looking ankle injury sustained on that 3rd TD run. Look for JaMycal Hasty (9 carries for 57 yards, 1 catch for 16 yards) and Jerick McKinnon (3 carries for -1 yard) to reform a committee until Raheem Mostert (ankle) returns. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Borat 2, the presidential debate and Thursday Night Football. What do they all have in common? Young girls. We have Rudy G trying to bang a very young woman (allegedly) in Borat 2. We have two 70 year old men bickering like school girls during the presidential debates—no offense to our two school girl readers. And then we have two quarterbacks throwing footballs like little ladies on TNF, or so we expected. But Carson Wentz wasn’t feeling much like a sissy man against the Giants defense, going 25/43 for 359 yards, 7 carries for 14 yards, 2 passing touchdowns, 1 rushing touchdown and 1 interception—he now has 10 passing touchdowns and 5 rushing touchdowns on the season. Pigskinonator saw this huge game coming when nobody else did, ranking Wentz as its #7 QB compared to the FantasyPros expert consensus ranking of #16. The pig-bot is really starting to heat up now that it has more data and extra slop to chew on. Sign up now for a 3-day free trial! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Week 7 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
October 22, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 65 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
New York Giants (+4.5) at Philadelphia Eagles
Forecast: I hope you all appreciate the gravity of what’s happening here—0-6 against the spread is no small feat. My new goal is to do something even the 2008 Detroit Lions and 2017 Cleveland Browns were unable to achieve, an 0-17 record. In the return of Thursday Night Football we’ll also find the return of Desean Jackson, who was out on sabbatical visiting Hitler’s grave. Jackson’s return will be short lived when he’s ejected for attacking Giants’ safety Nate Ebner. Carson Wentz will resume throwing to his witness protection receiving corps of Greg Ward, Travis Fulgam and Richard Rodgers aka Dick Rod. Up front the Eagles will suffer even more issues as both of their 6th string offensive tackles will leave early with injuries, giving way to emergency offensive linemen Jalen Hurts and Darren Sproles. All of that still won’t be enough to keep the the second worst football team in New York competitive on Thursday night. Eagles 24, Giants 13
Wager: Eagles -4.5 (2 Units)
2020 Season:Â 0-6 (-9.35 Units)Â
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 7 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Christian Kirk Has Left Behind His Growing Pains
October 19, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 49 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Insurance has been at the forefront of my mind lately. Maybe it’s all the Baker Mayfield Progressive commercials brainwashing me. But most of the time when Baker comes on screen with his book club, I’m just wondering how it’s possible that a large insurance company couldn’t find a better spokesperson than Mayfield. So then maybe it’s all the Patrick Mahomes and Aaron Rodgers State Farm commercials brainwashing me. But most of the time when Patrick and Aaron come on I’m just giggling about the gallon of ketchup Mahomes is pouring on his steak. So, that can’t be it. Ah ha! I just figured it out. It’s those Geico Motaur commercials—a half man, half motorcycle talking nonsense is what speaks to my subconscious mind. If they hired an NFL up and comer to play the role of Motaur it would have to be Christian Kirk, his upper body already looks very stallion-like. He also went off for 2 catches for 86 yards and his 2nd and 3rd touchdowns Monday night which, based on Mayfield’s deal, must be worth at least a ten commercial contract. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? D’Andre Finally Brings Swift Justice
October 19, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 74 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I don’t have any kids. I’ve seen pictures and heard stories of the elated feelings of paternal pride when children take their first steps or bring home an A+ on their spelling test, but it’s not something I’ve ever experienced first hand. On Sunday I got my first taste of what I imagine that sense of pride must feel like while watching the Bears/Panthers game with my lady. As the medical staff gingerly loaded an injured Carolina defensive player onto the cart, my imaginary girlfriend says to me, “What do you think happens if a player poops their pants? Do they ask for the cart to be brought out so they don’t have to hobble their way back to the locker room?” It’s a great question and one that I can’t believe I never considered. You know at least one of these big guys craps their pants each week. How many phantom injuries have occurred in the name of soiled drawers? But one player who didn’t crap their pants in week 6 was rookie D’Andre Swift, he took 14 carries for 116 yards, 3 catches for 7 yards and his 3rd and 4th touchdowns. Those who speculated that Swift might be a bigger factor after the Lions bye week were right on, as he saw two more carries this week than his first four games combined. It’s hard to trust Patricia and the Lions, but there’s a chance Swift is a solid RB2 rest of season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 6 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
October 15, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 73 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest (I picked my favorite Sunday game this week since Thursday was cancelled):
Cincinnati Bengals (+8) at Indianapolis Colts
Forecast: The ghost of A.J. Green heads to Indy this weekend to train with Philly Rivers. You see, Rivers has developed an elite shot put academy where he’s training his 19 children to become shot put champions. Green, in search of a new profession, has signed on as their newest recruit. Around lunchtime on Sunday Coach Rivers will take a break to play some football. In a battle of hyped rookies, Joe Burrow will be sacked 16 times in the blow out loss while Jonathan Taylor tames the timid Bengals defense with 220 rushing yards and 3 touchdowns. Colts 42, Bengals 17
Wager:Â Colts -8 (4 Units)
2020 Season:Â 0-5 (-4.95 Units)Â
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 6 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Tailspinning Jets Eject Le’Veon
October 13, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 26 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
It’s Tuesday Night Football! This comes around just as often as a global pandemic. Hopefully. The Tuesday night game really threw a wrench in my standard Tuesday evening plans of roller blading, Kama Sutra and Below Deck. I had my Ryan Tannehill lede all queued up when the big new broke about the Jets releasing Le’Veon Bell, who they were reportedly trying to trade just hours before. I’m pretty sure I play in a fantasy league with Jets’ GM Joe Douglas. He was the guy who kept offering me ripoff A.J. Green trades all the way up until he cut him. I’ve seen a lot of speculation about where Bell might land, including Kansas City, Philadelphia, Arizona, New England, Chicago, Los Angeles Chargers and Saskatchewan. I’m not sure he’s more than a low end RB2 on any of those teams—except maybe the Saskatchewan Roughriders—also, is anyone else starting to pick up a little Antonio Brown vibe? As you might expect, the aftermath in New York isn’t very enticing. Frank Gore and La’Mical Perine are worth rostering, maybe even Ty Johnson too if you’re really desperate. Which I always am. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Herbert And Saints Both Drop The Mike
October 12, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 23 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I got into the weeds Monday afternoon researching NFL mascots. I never knew how much I didn’t know about football mascots. Turns out there’s a lot of great ones out there, including Viktor the Viking, Rowdy the Cowboy and T-Rac, the Titans’ funny looking raccoon character who may or may not have coronavirus. Of course the Titans would have a random raccoon mascot. The Saints come in strong with not one, but two mascots: a friendly St. Bernard puppy by the name of Gumbo along with Sir Saint, a large mustachioed caucasian man with an obscenely large chin. The Chargers on the other hand are mascot-less after their unofficial mascot, Boltman, retired back in 2018 due to climate change. Enter Justin Herbert. The rookie QB balled out on Monday night with a line of 20/34 for 264 yards, 4 touchdowns and no interceptions.  Five of those completions went to Mike Williams who finished the night with 5 catches for 109 receiving yards and two touchdowns. Many forget that Big Mike caught 10 touchdowns in his sophomore season, only two years ago. The young QB/WR tandem looks to have a very bright future as the new L.A. Chargers mascots. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Chasing The TDragon
October 12, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 43 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Many people are familiar with the term “chasing the dragon.” It’s most common interpretation is simply smoking heroin. But according to Urban Dictionary, there’s a deeper meaning to this term. Imagine you get doped up on heroin for the first time and the high sends you to a euphoric, nirvana-like state where everything is beautiful and perfect and life makes complete sense. Soon the high wears off, so naturally you get cooked again seeking the same euphoric state, but this time it’s not quite the same. So you sell all your possessions and steal from your family in order to buy more and more drugs, attempting to return to nirvana. That’s chasing the dragon. Â
But what about Chasing the TDragon, what’s that? It’s when you own only Broncos, Patriots, Lions and Packers receivers so you’re forced to start Chase Claypool in week 5 and he goes off for 7 catches for 110 yards, 3 carries for 6 yards and his 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th touchdowns against the Eagles defense. So of course you start the Steelers rookie every week for the rest of year, searching for that same high while destroying your fantasy season. Now listen, I’m not saying don’t pick up Claypool, you should. Just don’t get caught Chasing the TDragon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Foles Bearly Outbucs Brady Yet Again
October 9, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Fantasy Football Daily Notes | 52 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
Everyone wants to get some booty. Living in my mom’s basement, I haven’t seen much booty. Pirate’s booty, I mean. What I wouldn’t do to get some of that swashbuckling plunder. The Bears, however, didn’t appear to want any part of the Buccaneers nor Tom Brady’s booty for most of the first half Thursday night. Then, late in the 2nd quarter, Nick Foles took off the eye patch, tossed his peg leg aside and began his quest for the Brady booty. Foles went 30/42 for 243 yards with 1 touchdown and 1 interception as he led the Bears to their 4th victory. It wasn’t exactly pretty, but plundering is an ugly business by nature. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more? Week 5 Fantasy Football Rankings: Donkey Teeth
October 8, 2020 | 2020 Fantasy Football, Weekly Rankings | 37 Commentsby: Donkey Teeth
I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-3.5) at Chicago Bears
Forecast: We’ve been killing it with these Thursday night picks. And by killing it I mean butchering it. Kind of like the Bears quarterback play. The turnaround starts tonight though—for our picks, not Da Bears QBs—as Brady rides The Gronk into the Windy City for another Thursday night thriller. Chicago will start with their 30 million dollar man, Nick Foles, at the helm but make the switch back to Trubisky to start the 2nd quarter. After one of the worst halves in the history of professional sports, they’ll turn to a quarterback committee of Khalil Mack, one legged Tarik Cohen and mascot Staley Da Bear. On the wings of vastly improved quarterback play, the Bears will storm back to tie the game late in the 4th quarter. But Brady will answer with a game winning drive culminating with Gronk’s 3rd touchdown of the night. Buccaneers 38, Bears 31
Wager:Â Bucs -3.5 (1 Unit)
2020 Season:Â 0-4 (-3.85 Units)Â
Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 5 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:
Please, blog, may I have some more?I’m finally out of the closet. I was hoping to come out on my own one day, but Everywhere Blair spilt the beans in his Sunday Fantasy Football Roundup this weekend. It’s all true, I’m a former Kart Across America Champion. But the days of cruising to victory in my Princess Peace costume are long gone. Now I’m left sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon at the Black Jack Inn in Tahoe, donning a soiled Wario costume while reminiscing on the golden years. Fortunately, the Black Jack Inn’s one black and white TV was playing Monday night’s Falcons vs. Packers game so I was able to catch a glimpse of Packers tight end Robert Tonyan hitting the Falcons defense over the head with a Tonyan of bricks. This got me to thinking about the changing of the guard. Five years ago I never thought that little person in a Toad costume with all the bananas would overtake me as Kart Across America Champion. Could Tonyan be the chosen one to dethrone Travis Kelce (3 catches for 70 yards) as the top tight end? You’re right, I’ve had waaaay too many of these PBRs. But the Packers big man did explode for 6 catches for 98 yards and his 3rd, 4th and 5th touchdowns in Monday night’s win. With Aaron Rodgers (27/33 for 327 yards and 4 touchdowns–he now has 13 on the year) playing arguably the best football of his life, Allen Lazard (core injury) out for the foreseeable future and Davante Adams (hamstring) hobbled, Tonyan might end up being more Donkey Kong than Bowser–that’s a good thing, obviously. Consider the big man a top 10 fantasy tight end, at least in the short term. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?