Because Sunday was not enough to fill everyone’s football appetite, we don’t get just one Monday Night Football game, but two. Or as the Spanish call it: dos. The more you know. These two final week one games will serve as a bookend to what was a half-derpy, half-competant filled weekend of football. So I guess normal, except the Bills are in first place, which is just silly. And while you could make the claim that it was quite the unpredictable weekend, three of the four teams that had first-round byes last season won their first game. Tonight will probably be no different than Sunday, just at a smaller scale. Or maybe a bigger scale since Eli Manning is playing.

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TMZ Sports has released the complete and disturbing video that shows Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee in the face in an Atlantic City hotel in February. This is the first time we have seen footage of Rice actually hitting Janay Rice (then Palmer), and while I won’t link it here because abuse, of any kind, sickens me, I’m sure Google can help you out. There are conflicting reports of whether or not the NFL and Roger Goodell had access to this “extended” cut when deciding the length of Rice’s suspension, because I’m sure at this point, the league would rather just look completely stupid than heartless, but, at least in my eyes, it looks like they’re going to come out as both. Nailed it!

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 uk2ZYmu

An artist’s depiction of yesterday’s Cowboys game.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the first every Sunday of football should always have the Dallas Cowboys doing whatever that was they did yesterday afternoon. In fact, let’s start a petition to have them on Monday AND Thursday night as well. I mean, can we even say that the Cowboys actually did anything in training camp? This looks like the exact same team from last year, and I’ve already started decorating my house for the holidays seeing as how the Cowboys are already in mid-December form. True, as the sharp and always entertaining (in gouging your own eyes out sort of way) commentating duo of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman informed us, if not for all the turnovers, this would have been a close game. I’ve never seen something so beautifully and succinctly useless at the same time. If it weren’t for the Normandy landing and the eastern invasion of Russia, Germany had a pretty good World War II. And while the game was technically close without including large portions of events that happened during the game, I was left with this one burning question– What is it called when you throw to a receiver that had 12 people covering him?

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Hey, did you know Peyton Manning was once the quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts? Pray tell! While Manning’s first game against his former team was heralded as an “emotional” return because of all those years he worked to bring the Colts as many Super Bowl Championships that Tavaris Jackson has, this Sunday Night match-up will feel a little bit different. Mostly because the man (Jim Irsay) who created such a sentimental treatment in the last match-up is on a short Roger Goodell imposed time-out. (Since it’s not like he beat up a woman or something like that.) And Wes Welker, arguably not one of this best receivers, is hanging out with some woman named Molly.

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With only two games in the late portion of today’s schedule (WHY ONLY TWO NFL?), we get to focus on the one of the bigger news stories going on right now, and that’s Cam Newton sitting in week one.

“Ron Rivera’s comments throughout the week indicated Newton might very well not play this week as the Panthers take the “long-haul approach” to their franchise quarterback. If Newton is out, Derek Anderson will get the nod. The Panthers are probably confident Anderson can do everything they need for offensive purposes, but it’s obviously a significant drop-off from what Newton brings to the table.”

Hahaha, “probably” confident.

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JEST-Sign

They probably root for the Mest as well. Just a wild guess.

The season is now in full swing, with the first Sunday of football for 2014 season bringing us a fantastic slate of games. Do you want action? Do you want drama? Do you want romance? I WANT ALL OF THESE THINGS. Well, then I present to you the Raiders versus the Jets. Haha, just kidding… but this is week one… I wouldn’t have really minded that being the premier match-up, for at least a few minutes. Honestly, what can you say about Jets that would excite anyone? And what can you say about that Raiders that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? Nada, to use a parlance of our times.

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Come on refs, you’re usually with us on this…

Football finally happened folks. Let’s have some cake. OR watch the first two touchdowns of the season go to no one fantasy relevant. Yeah, you’re right. Let’s have cake instead. So yup, the season opener… It wasn’t that bad. I will say this- it is definitely the “traditional start” to the season… both elevated and dashed hopes, plenty of derpiness, and wild, crazy rethinking of fantasy players.

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pete-carroll

Ah yes, the magic of football has returned, with the season opener on SNFTNFNBC (I feel like I just mapped the genome with that acronym… or just entered in the Contra code). After seven long months of dealing in a world without football, now we get five months of unadulterated joy and happiness, or I guess depression if you are a Cleveland Browns fan. Which wouldn’t be much different than any other day in Cleveland I suppose.

HEY JACK, IT’S A FACT!

1 – PAPRIKA IS FOR MEN

2 – YOU BOOZE, YOU LOSE

E – RESPEK THE SUN

(.Y.) – AARON RODGERS IS A REAL FOOTBALL PLAYER

That being said, the Packers face the daunting task of going into the dreaded CenturyLink Field, where fans cheer really loud apparently and are almost too proud of it. Those hipsters, they were cheering so loud before it was cool. Pete Carroll also brings his gum-smacking Ric Flair impersonation to full bare on the sidelines. I mean, is this guy ever not chewing gum? What adult man chews gum? Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

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ALL THE OMINOUS POINTS. That’s right folks, we made it. Another football season is about to begin, and, to add the cherry on top, I’m enjoying this new, drug addled Wes Welker. (All aboard the Cody Latimer train, amiright?) But we made it. We traveled through the black hole of what is the period immediately after the Super Bowl to the NFL Draft. Then, after the 10-year long period allotted for the draft, we were treated to free agent signings, Ray Rice trying to live up to all former Ravens named Ray, Josh Gorden being suspended not for smoking weed, but for being stupid, and about 99% of the league producing “best shape in their life” stories for our consumption. The 1% being Rob Gronkowski, because that physical state is not possible for him. And now, real games to fuel our fantasy games. It sounds so epic when I put it like that, not like +5 to magic missile to your touchdown amulet of wizardry. Which, to be honest, sounds like a pretty cool category to have. Regardless, with the season budding with excitement and hope, it is now time for me to begin releasing our weekly rankings, because the world needs rankings. Nay, the world demands it. To be really honest, what’s the point of writing about fantasy football if not to start arguments over subjective numerical values?

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As has become tradition around these parts, it’s now time for me to lay down my bold and beautiful predictions for the 2014 Fantasy Football Season. Just in case, uh, you didn’t read the title. If you are unaware of our traditions, well, you should know that there’s really only two dictating factors when coming up with bold predictions. First, they must include at least half the Padres roster. Since this is football, we should be safe from this one… maybe. The second factor is that these predictions must actually be bold. There’s a lot of boldness being pumped inside the interwebs (this sounds hot, maybe?), but then you’ll reach where said boldness was supposed to occur, and it’s some kind of bland statement that “Rob Gronkowski will be fantasy relevant this season.” Gee, thanks? What does that even mean anyways? Fantasy relevant how? Where? I could argue Geno Smith is sorta-kinda fantasy relevant, that doesn’t mean I should pay attention. Mostly because Geno Smith is pretty bad. No, here you’ll deal with focused bold, um, stuff, going everywhere. I have weaponized boldness, so there. For example, you want a bold prediction for Rob Gronkowski? I’m stating right now that he will start in at least two games this year. Bold AND beautiful, and we’re just talking about my jawline…

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