Unless you’ve been living under an Antonio Brown fart for the last month, you’re probably familiar with this whole Coronavirus outbreak. I know what you’re thinking, “Would living under an Antonio Brown fart bubble protect me from this virus?” We’ll have to consult the World Health Organization on that one. But here’s a better question: would you rather be enveloped in Antonio Brown’s ass-gas for the next six months or contract a life-threatening virus? Think on it.

Speaking of viruses, Raheem Mostert was sick during the NFL playoffs a few weeks back. Sick in the good way, like the kids say. I mean like the kids in the 90’s used to say.   

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Nicknames are fun. Especially when they’re natural, effortless and catch on; like Air Jordan, Refrigerator Perry or Squeak from Baseketball. Back in college they used to call me ‘Big Dumb Animal.’ It was accurate. Then a few years back I was out on the golf course and sunk a 15 foot putt to win a match and secure a decent chunk of change for my team. I tried to coin a new nickname: ‘Big Dick and Putts.’ It didn’t stick, but I tried.

Terry McLaurin is no stranger to the nickname game. It was a hot topic around the fantasy community during his rookie season. Many critics attempted to shoot down the unoriginal ‘Scary Terry’ nickname coined by Case Keenum in training camp, prompting alternate options: McLaurin F1, Touchdown Terry and, my personal favorite, Terrence of Scarabia. But I keep coming back around to the original-unoriginal nickname, because the visual of Scary Terry from Rick and Morty is just too good:

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The last year has been a calm, peaceful sojourn for Antonio Brown. In March 2019, Brown was traded from the Steelers to the Raiders in exchange for a 3rd and a 5th round pick. The change of scenery was exactly what the doctor ordered *insert fart joke.* Here’s the timeline of AB’s stress-free last 12 months:

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I live in the Chicago area. Home of the Da Bears, Al Capone and deep dish pizza. When visiting the Windy City, most tourists these days are directed to dine at Lou Malnati’s Pizzeria for their deep dish experience. I’d be crazy to publicly bash Lou’s pizza; it’d be like calling Juju Smith-Schuster the #50 overall dynasty player. And that Lou Malanti’s butter crust is delicious, I won’t deny it.

 

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Remember in The Hangover when Alan started out as a one-man wolf pack? Then his sister brought Doug home and his wolf pack grew to two. Later Doug introduced Alan to Phil and Stu. And Alan found himself in a four-man wolf pack; four wolves running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine.

Zach Ertz reminds me of lone-wolf Alan. In 2016 Ertz’s sister—Doug Pederson—brought home Carson Wentz and introduced the young QB to Ertz. And Ertz’s wolf pack grew from one to two. Then along came Dallas Goedert in 2018, and it became a three man wolf pack; three wolves running around Philadelphia together, looking for Cheesesteaks, strippers and cocaine.

But younger wolves in a pack never have quite the same connection as the original wolves. They have to work hard to prove themselves to the pack and gain their trust; even if they’re much more gifted at finding strippers and cocaine than some of the older wolves. And such is the life of Dallas Goedert.   

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Have you ever ingested hallucinogenic chemicals and then tried to jump through a closed window because you thought a pack of wolves was closing in on you? Rhetorical question, I’m sure we’ve all experienced this same scenario. When it happened to me, I ended up in the ER with a large gash on my arm and very disappointed parents. On the plus side, those rabid wolves didn’t get me!

Point is, we don’t always make the best decisions when we’re young and stupid. Preston Williams—#89 in my Top 200 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football—would likely attest to this. Let me back up a little and regale you with the story of Preston Williams.

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Back when I was just a young donkey I was fascinated by fire. Whenever the stove top burner was ignited, it drew my attention. One time, when Momma-Donk wasn’t paying attention, I crept over to the stove and poked my hoof right into that beautiful flame. I did this about ten more times before I realized playing with fire hurt. I’ve always said, I’ll try anything 12 times.

And that’s how I ended up addicted to meth with DeVante Parker on my fantasy teams this past season. And this time the Parker flame burned my opponents as he torched his career highs in targets (128), receptions (72), receiving yards (1,202) and touchdowns (9). Heading into his age 27 season, he’s now coming off a massive career year in which he played the full 16 game slate for the first time. I ranked him #75 overall in my recent Top 200 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football, but am I undervaluing this post-hype breakout down in Vice City?

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I enjoy cooking. I’m not a world-class chef or anything, but if my girlfriend—yes, she’s imaginary—goes to the store and picks up some fresh, quality ingredients then I can whip up some pretty darn good food. Of course, I’ll use every single dish in the house to get the job done and require some major assistance in the clean up department. But the cook shouldn’t have to clean up, right? My imaginary girlfriend begs to differ after the last time she cleaned mushroom risotto off the ceiling.

Anyway, in my demented mind, this is a great analogy for the NFL running back position. Most backs fall into this good but not great chef territory. If they’re surrounded by quality ingredients and opportunity, they’re all capable of delivering some delicious fantasy food. Just provide them with the right system on a good team, with a competent quarterback to set the table and an above average offensive line to clean up the mess.

I won’t go so far as to say all running backs are made equal, but there’s only a handful of Michelin Chef running backs in the world like Saquon Barkley, Christian McCaffrey, and Ezekiel Elliott, who might be able to transform spoiled spam into a delicious honey baked ham. Oh and Kerryon Johnson, who I wrote a Kerryon Johnson Dynasty Due Diligence love letter for last week. He’s definitely Michelin! But what does all this have to do with Devin Singletary you ask?

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Remember when Juju Smith-Schuster‘s bike was stolen during his 2017 rookie season? It seems like just yesterday that his completely sane buddy, Antonio Brown, was appealing to the city of Pittsburgh to return JuJu’s hot set of wheels. What you might not remember is the story of how AB tried to renege on his promised reward of two Steelers tickets to whomever returned the bicycle. The good Samaritan was forced to involve local media in order to claim his bounty:

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When I ranked Kerryon Johnson 18th overall in my Top 200 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football, I had no idea it would be more scrutinized than the final season of Game of Thrones. I had a feeling I might sit perched alone on the Iron Throne as the high man on the Lions’ young runner, but wasn’t aware the dynasty football world would look down on me in shame like the family’s drunken-disappointment-dwarf brother. But can this ugly-step-child use his wit, intellect and Medium Johnson to overcome the prejudice of the fantasy world? Or is Donkey just trippin’ again? Truth be told, I always eat a dozen doses of LSD before I write; really gets the creative juices flowing. Anyway, let’s take a closer look at Kerryon Johnson’s first two professional seasons and what the future might hold for 2020 fantasy football and beyond.

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