I mean, you do have the Arizona Cardinals with the best record in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins suddenly look like they can be competent for certain stretches of time. One of those times including a game against my Chargers. Both the Colts and Eagles (depending on Nick Foles’ status) seem competent enough to being contenders. Even the Steelers have figured a few things out behind Ben Roethlisberger treating the last two games like he met them in a dive bar bathroom. But I think it’s fair to say that the Broncos and Patriots, fulfilling a narrative wet dream on a continual basis, had to have been considered the two best teams. At least until the Patriots destroyed the Broncos yesterday afternoon. While I’m a constant palm-facer when it comes to Peyton Manning’s “cold-weather” narrative, it seems that his “can’t beat the Patriots” narrative may have something to it. Also, there are way too many narratives. Please no more narratives. That being said, despite having their own problems early in the season, the Patriots have seemingly maintained their status as one of the top teams in the NFL, if not the top team. Now that you’ve figured that part out, for the love of god, can you give the ball to Shane Vereen more? Is that too much to ask?
Buccaneers – 17, Browns –Â 22
Taylor Gabriel – 5 REC, 87 YDS, 1 TD. You… are not Andrew Hawkins (3 REC, 34 YDS). Sigh…
Mike Glennon – 17/33, 260 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 3 CAR, 17 YDS. Protip: Just because you’re fifteen feet above everyone else doesn’t mean your receivers can jump that high…
Bobby Rainey – 19 CAR, 87 YDS and 1 REC, 34 YDS. So I’d like to take a moment to thank the Buccaneers being terrible at everything, except at trolling fantasy owners. With Charles Sims expecting to start up until game time, of course Bobby Rainey is your leading rusher. And then I’m sure next week, when we’ve all bought Rainey back, Lovie Smith will put him on the bench for the rest of the game after a dropped pass or something. Never change Bucs, never change.
Vincent Jackson – 6 REC, 86 YDS. Apparently, Jackson got tired of being stuck on a milk carton.
Cardinals – 28, Cowboys 17
Andre Ellington – 21 CAR, 95 YDS and 4 REC, 39 YDS, 1 TD. Way to cover the guy who gets 75% of the Cardinals touches, Cowboys.
Larry Fitzgerald – 5 REC, 70 YDS. Every so often, I think Palmer shakes off the CTE and remembers that he has Fitzgerald on his team.
Michael Floyd – 4 REC, 36 YDS. No, actually, I changed my mind. He might actually still have the CTE. If he were thinking clearly, he’d throw it deep to the faster guy in Floyd.
John Carlson – 2 REC, 19 YDS, 1 TD. John Carlson is the best Tight End to share a name with the average member of your cousin’s church.
Brandon Weeden – 18/33, 183 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 2 YDS. I thought the greatest drop-off between a starter and a backup was Eli Maning and Curtis Painter. I think I might have to revisit my findings after yesterday’s game.
DeMarco Murray – 19 CAR, 79 YDS and 4 REC, 11 YDS. So, this was the first game of the season that Murray didn’t rush for 100 yards, correct? So much for the Weeden dynasty.
Dez Bryant – 2 REC, 15 YDS, 1 TD. Some of those “attempted” passes from Weeden to Bryant were so off, they shouldn’t have even been scored as targets.
Eagles – 31, Texans – 21
Nick Foles – 10/13, 124 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Because of Foles’ clavicle injury in the second quarter of yesterday’s game, we’ve now had the NFC East Quarterback backup trifecta of Brandon Weeden, Colt McCoy, and Mark Sanchez seeing playing time in the last week. Giants, your move… On Foles, there haven’t been any updates as of this posting, but being ruled out to return almost immediately is telling in itself. If the bone is broken, this will be significant time missed.
Mark Sanchez – 15/22, 202 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 5 YDS. Sanchez took the Texans defense to school, and then dropped his girlfriend off.
LeSean McCoy – 23 CAR, 117 YDS and 2 REC, 6 YDS. Oh my… Shady might be back. Time for Chip to get batsh*t crazy folks.
Jeremy Maclin – 6 REC, 158 YDS, 2 TD. Maclin you beautiful, filthy Eagle. He’s apparently done f*cking around people.
Riley Cooper – 2 REC, 26 YDS. Apparently, the ball is the only thing Riley Cooper won’t fight for.
Ryan Fitzpatrick – 13/27, 203 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 6 CAR, 49 YDS. Feel the Fitzmagic…
Arian Foster – 15 CAR, 56 YDS and 2 REC, 63 YDS, 1 TD. If you told me that Arian Foster would injure himself untouched and then randomly stopping and falling over, then limping away, I would have said yes, the chances of this event are very high. It’s undisclosed, but let’s call it his hamstring, because what else could it be? I would get your Alfred Blue (7 CAR, 13 YDS, 1 REC, -3 YDS) engines and alcohol ready to go.
Jets – 10, Chiefs – 24
Michael Vick – 21/28, 196 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 18 YDS. He briefly exited in the fourth quarter, probably trying to trigger his disability insurance, or, at the very least, tried to get as far away from the Jets dumpster fire.
Geno Smith – Inactive (Terrible).
Chris Johnson – 11 CAR, 69 YDS and 2 REC, 32 YDS. Somebody had too much Halloween candy laced with hallucinogenics, because I’m seeing here that Johnson gained yardage…
Alex Smith – 21/31, 199 YDS, 2 TD. Alex Smith with a wild ‘n crazy two-touchdown game you say? What did he do, throw the football past the first down marker?
Jamaal Charles – 20 CAR, 78 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 10 YDS. Good at handling balls.
Dwayne Bowe – 6 REC, 55 YDS. Dwayne Bowe got his 500th reception yesterday. I think he’s gotten 15 of them in the last two years.
Anthony Fasano – 3 REC, 24 YDS, 1 TD. Fasano! Luck of the Italians!
Jaguars – 23, Bengals – 33
Denard Robinson – 17 CAR, 94 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 10 YDS. Ever wonder why your team might be 1-8? I’m just putting it out there that your best running back is, like, your 3rd string wide receiver…
Jeremy Hill – 24 CAR, 154 YDS, 2 TD and 1 REC, 9 YDS. RIP Giovani Bernard owners.
A.J. Green – 3 REC, 44 YDS, 1 TD. Outscored Kelvin Benjamin for the week, so that’s good, I guess.
Chargers – 0, Dolphins –Â 37
“Oh ef this sh*t. I’m going back to bed.” – Me.
Philip Rivers – 12/23, 138 YDS, 3 INT and 1 CAR, 3 YDS. All these progressive pronouncements by the Pope have clearly gotten to Rivers.
Ryan Tannehill – 24/34, 288 YDS, 3 TD and 4 CAR, 47 YDS, 1 TD. Is this line a typo? This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.
Lamar Miller – 11 CAR, 49 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 8 YDS. San Diego is not familiar enough with the concept of a running game to be able to defend it.
Mike Wallace – 3 REC, 50 YDS. I’m assuming that Wallace didn’t play in this game and was counting his $50 million in the comfort of his own home…
Washington Football Team – 26, Â Vikings – 29
Robert Griffin – 18/28, 251 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 24 YDS. Surprised that both of suRGery-3’s knees didn’t shatter in the team bus fender bender before the windshield did…
Alfred Morris – 19 CAR, 92 YDS, 2 TD and 2 REC, 17 YDS. Alfred Morris doing very Alfred Morris things!
Jordan Reed – 1 REC, 17 YDS. Reed was Cousins’ and McCoy’ s checkdown guy. RG3 IS his own checkdown guy.
Teddy Bridgewater – 26/42, 268 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, 20 YDS. You could say that it’s a bridge… over troubled water.
Matt Asiata – 10 CAR, 26 YDS, 3 TD and 4 REC, 31 YDS. All McKinnon owners found this performance to be extremely grating.
Jerick McKinnon – 14 CAR, 54 YDS and 3 REC, 14 YDS. Well, at least this is the last weekend of mid-term election commercials.
Cordarrelle Patterson – 1 REC, 9 YDS. This Bridgewater/Patterson duo seems more like the Edward/Bella duo from Twilight. Something that has zero chemistry, and melts your eyes with acid if you watch it.
Rams – 13, 49ers – 10
Austin Davis – 13/24, 105 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 9 YDS. It’s almost as if Brandon Weeden pulled double-duty and played Quarterback for the Rams as well.
Tre Mason – 19 CAR, 65 YDS and 1 REC, -8 YDS. The results are sort of meh, but he looked good, shredding the 49ers front at times. I’m still a believer, despite the upcoming schedule.
Colin Kaepernick – 22/33, 237 YDS, 1 TD and 5 CAR, 14 YDS. Thanks announcers! Let’s make more sloppy comparisons between Madison Bumgarner and Kaepernick… I mean, they both throw things, right?
Anquan Boldin – 6 REC, 93 YDS, 1 TD. I can’t really blame the Rams coverage here. I forgot Anquan Boldin was a receiver that played for the 49ers as well.
Michael Crabtree – 5 REC, 40 YDS. Crabtree? More like Droptree, amirght folks?
Raiders – 10, Seahawks –Â 24
Russell Wilson – 17/35, 179 YDS and 8 CAR, 31 YDS. I still don’t think he’s a game-manager, only because no one can manage to be so bad against the Raiders.
Marshawn Lynch – 21 CAR, 67 YDS, 2 TD and 5 REC, 76 YDS. Beastmode has been turned on and is now activated. Hide yo redzones and Skittles.
Derek Carr – 24/41, 194 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 9 YDS. My Google search result for the “Carr Brothers” led me to the Wichita Massacre. Apparently, killing hopes and dreams is just something all Carrs were meant to do.
Darren McFadden – 13 CAR, 20 YDS and 4 REC, 47 YDS. You don’t say?
Broncos – 14, Patriots – 27
Tom Brady – 33/53, 333 YDS, 4 TD, 1 INT and 2 CAR, 4 YDS. I think Bill Belichick is really upset with Brady. Or excited. Who knows anymore with his face?
Rob Gronkowski – 9 REC, 105 YDS, 1 TD. The J.J. Watt you don’t want your daughter to date.
Danny Amendola – 2 REC, 35 YDS. Crazy, Amendola doubled his number of catches in the past three years yesterday. You’re right, I’m exaggerating a bit. In actuality, those catches are the only ones he remembers from the past three years.
Peyton Manning – 34/57, 438 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. Was in true Super Bowl XLVII form.
Ronnie Hillman – 10 CAR, 16 YDS, 1 TD and 7 REC, 47 YDS, 1 TD. Was in true Montee Ball form.
Emmanuel Sanders – 10 REC, 151 YDS. Was in true Demaryius Thomas (7 REC, 127 YDS) form.
Wes Welker – 3 REC, 31 YDS. Denver should have just put Welker in as corner just to f*ck with Brady.
Ravens – 23, Steelers – 36
Ben Roethlisberger – 25/37, 340 YDS, 6 TD and 2 CAR, 1 YDS, 1 FUM. THE BEN HAVE BRAIN COMPUTER. IT SAY CHOCO TACO.
Antonio Brown – 11 REC, 144 YDS, 1 TD. Big bad Antonio Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town. That’s how that song goes, right?
Joe Flacco – 30/45, 303 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT. Most elite game? Or mostest elite game that was ever elited? I say all of the elites.
Steve Smith – 5 REC, 36 YDS. In the spirit of political ad-season coming to a merciful end on Tuesday, here’s what Steve Smith’s would look like: “Hi, I’m Steve Smith Sr. and I’m running for Congress, and I’d like your… HEY! What the F*CK YOU LOOKIN’ AT? I’LL KILL YOU!”
