I mean, you do have the Arizona Cardinals with the best record in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins suddenly look like they can be competent for certain stretches of time. One of those times including a game against my Chargers. Both the Colts and Eagles (depending on Nick Foles’ status) seem competent enough to being contenders. Even the Steelers have figured a few things out behind Ben Roethlisberger treating the last two games like he met them in a dive bar bathroom. But I think it’s fair to say that the Broncos and Patriots, fulfilling a narrative wet dream on a continual basis, had to have been considered the two best teams. At least until the Patriots destroyed the Broncos yesterday afternoon. While I’m a constant palm-facer when it comes to Peyton Manning’s “cold-weather” narrative, it seems that his “can’t beat the Patriots” narrative may have something to it. Also, there are way too many narratives. Please no more narratives. That being said, despite having their own problems early in the season, the Patriots have seemingly maintained their status as one of the top teams in the NFL, if not the top team. Now that you’ve figured that part out, for the love of god, can you give the ball to Shane Vereen more? Is that too much to ask?
Buccaneers – 17, Browns – 22
Bobby Rainey – 19 CAR, 87 YDS and 1 REC, 34 YDS. So I’d like to take a moment to thank the Buccaneers being terrible at everything, except at trolling fantasy owners. With Charles Sims expecting to start up until game time, of course Bobby Rainey is your leading rusher. And then I’m sure next week, when we’ve all bought Rainey back, Lovie Smith will put him on the bench for the rest of the game after a dropped pass or something. Never change Bucs, never change.
Vincent Jackson – 6 REC, 86 YDS. Apparently, Jackson got tired of being stuck on a milk carton.
Cardinals – 28, Cowboys 17
Larry Fitzgerald – 5 REC, 70 YDS. Every so often, I think Palmer shakes off the CTE and remembers that he has Fitzgerald on his team.
Michael Floyd – 4 REC, 36 YDS. No, actually, I changed my mind. He might actually still have the CTE. If he were thinking clearly, he’d throw it deep to the faster guy in Floyd.
John Carlson – 2 REC, 19 YDS, 1 TD. John Carlson is the best Tight End to share a name with the average member of your cousin’s church.
Brandon Weeden – 18/33, 183 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 2 YDS. I thought the greatest drop-off between a starter and a backup was Eli Maning and Curtis Painter. I think I might have to revisit my findings after yesterday’s game.
Dez Bryant – 2 REC, 15 YDS, 1 TD. Some of those “attempted” passes from Weeden to Bryant were so off, they shouldn’t have even been scored as targets.
Eagles – 31, Texans – 21
Nick Foles – 10/13, 124 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Because of Foles’ clavicle injury in the second quarter of yesterday’s game, we’ve now had the NFC East Quarterback backup trifecta of Brandon Weeden, Colt McCoy, and Mark Sanchez seeing playing time in the last week. Giants, your move… On Foles, there haven’t been any updates as of this posting, but being ruled out to return almost immediately is telling in itself. If the bone is broken, this will be significant time missed.
Jeremy Maclin – 6 REC, 158 YDS, 2 TD. Maclin you beautiful, filthy Eagle. He’s apparently done f*cking around people.
Riley Cooper – 2 REC, 26 YDS. Apparently, the ball is the only thing Riley Cooper won’t fight for.
Arian Foster – 15 CAR, 56 YDS and 2 REC, 63 YDS, 1 TD. If you told me that Arian Foster would injure himself untouched and then randomly stopping and falling over, then limping away, I would have said yes, the chances of this event are very high. It’s undisclosed, but let’s call it his hamstring, because what else could it be? I would get your Alfred Blue (7 CAR, 13 YDS, 1 REC, -3 YDS) engines and alcohol ready to go.
Jets – 10, Chiefs – 24
Michael Vick – 21/28, 196 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 18 YDS. He briefly exited in the fourth quarter, probably trying to trigger his disability insurance, or, at the very least, tried to get as far away from the Jets dumpster fire.
Geno Smith – Inactive (Terrible).
Dwayne Bowe – 6 REC, 55 YDS. Dwayne Bowe got his 500th reception yesterday. I think he’s gotten 15 of them in the last two years.
Anthony Fasano – 3 REC, 24 YDS, 1 TD. Fasano! Luck of the Italians!
Jaguars – 23, Bengals – 33
Chargers – 0, Dolphins – 37
“Oh ef this sh*t. I’m going back to bed.” – Me.
Mike Wallace – 3 REC, 50 YDS. I’m assuming that Wallace didn’t play in this game and was counting his $50 million in the comfort of his own home…
Washington Football Team – 26, Vikings – 29
Jordan Reed – 1 REC, 17 YDS. Reed was Cousins’ and McCoy’ s checkdown guy. RG3 IS his own checkdown guy.
Cordarrelle Patterson – 1 REC, 9 YDS. This Bridgewater/Patterson duo seems more like the Edward/Bella duo from Twilight. Something that has zero chemistry, and melts your eyes with acid if you watch it.
Rams – 13, 49ers – 10
Michael Crabtree – 5 REC, 40 YDS. Crabtree? More like Droptree, amirght folks?
Raiders – 10, Seahawks – 24
Derek Carr – 24/41, 194 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 9 YDS. My Google search result for the “Carr Brothers” led me to the Wichita Massacre. Apparently, killing hopes and dreams is just something all Carrs were meant to do.
Broncos – 14, Patriots – 27
Danny Amendola – 2 REC, 35 YDS. Crazy, Amendola doubled his number of catches in the past three years yesterday. You’re right, I’m exaggerating a bit. In actuality, those catches are the only ones he remembers from the past three years.
Peyton Manning – 34/57, 438 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 3 YDS. Was in true Super Bowl XLVII form.
Wes Welker – 3 REC, 31 YDS. Denver should have just put Welker in as corner just to f*ck with Brady.
Ravens – 23, Steelers – 36
Joe Flacco – 30/45, 303 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT. Most elite game? Or mostest elite game that was ever elited? I say all of the elites.
Steve Smith – 5 REC, 36 YDS. In the spirit of political ad-season coming to a merciful end on Tuesday, here’s what Steve Smith’s would look like: “Hi, I’m Steve Smith Sr. and I’m running for Congress, and I’d like your… HEY! What the F*CK YOU LOOKIN’ AT? I’LL KILL YOU!”