Folks, what a crazy week we had. There was this little thing called, err. Wait a minute, my mind just went blank. Like, totally, wow. You know what I’m talking about… you know, that thing that was on this past Sunday? Had this guy with the big forehead running all over the place. Pigskin being thrown about in the air. Yeah, in fact, that forehead dude was throwing that pigskin to the players that were wearing different colors. Su–Suu— Sweater Bowl? Yeah, that’s totally it. That little thing called Sweater Bowl… that was on Sunday. And it had a dude with a big forehead. Then… afterwards? Nothing. Absolutely nothing whatsoever. And that’s what we have to look forward to for, um, about 210 days. Boy, that sounds really depressing. That’s 5,040 hours. I am now officially turning ‘drowning in my sorrows’ mode to the ‘on’ position. Luckily, my sorrow tastes a lot like bourbon. Anyhow, the point is, misery loves company. So be sure to take some time during your Friday to commiserate with me as we go over the weekly off-season news. Because, there is nothing more meaningful in life than sweaters. And football. And maybe sweater vests. NAW, but I had you goin’ there Bob Costas, didn’t I?

Could RG3’s backup become Josh Gordon’s salvation?

I dunno, maybe? I’m not sure how much stock to put into an idea that’s only gaining traction because the Browns have hired Kyle Shanahan as their new offensive coordinator. So yeah, connecting those dots is pretty easy. Of course, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. With Jay Gruden getting hired as Dan Snyder’s secretary, as past and similar situations can attest, it’ll be a lot easier to off-load items from a previous regime at 10-cents on the dollar… I’m looking at your Robert Meachem. So, yes, this scenario of Kirk Cousins getting traded to the Browns is in the realm of ‘meh, could happen’.

If it did, the first immediate-reaction would be “OMG OMG OMG JOSH GORDON SKEET SKEET SKEET”. Or was that for Week-12? Look, I get it. It’s easy to get excited about the idea of yet another QB in a Browns uniform. HAHA, no it isn’t… Remember Detmer, Couch, Pederson, Wynn, Holcomb, Garcia, McCown, Dilfer, Frye, Anderson, Dorsey, Quinn, Gradkowski, Delhomme, Wallace, McCoy, Weeden, Lewis, Hoyer, Campbell? LOL.

But yeah, what do we really know about Cousins? Filling in for the healthy Robert Griffin III showed us that he certainly can be a prototypical Browns QB. 747 yards, 4 TD’s and 5 INT’s in 3 games… sounds very Brownish. Sure, scouts mainly talk-up his intangibles and the fact that he’s a tireless worker and gritty leader. Which basically confirms that he’s white. But he really has no deep ball to speak of and his velocity is mediocre. Okay, yeah, he’s accurate, I’ll give him that. But I think I’ve seen this before, and his name was Chad Pennington. That doesn’t really do anything for me. Lest we forget that the new offensive coordinator is Kyle Shanahan. BWAHAHAH. Yeah…

Low and behold, KC1 isn’t the only QB making a bit of news.

Testing the market is what Matt Cassel has always wanted out of life.

Matt Cassel, apparently not liking the idea of depositing a check of $3.7 million dollars, has decided to opt-out of his contract with the Vikings. Really bro? That ruins my dream scenario that the Vikings will just sign every single backup-caliber quarterback they can get their hands on. But, hey, there’s still Christian Ponder. Good luck Mike Zimmer, I guess? I don’t really know what else to say about that.

I *can* see the reasons why Cassel did this. The depth of free-agent QB’s is akin to a dumpster fire, so testing the market couldn’t hurt. Then again, New Coke once tested the market too. But with Michael Vick and Mark Sanchez the only other available ‘name’ guys, I should start putting feelers out there to see if anyone is interested in signing me. Or just pull a JaMarcus Russell and start camping out in a Hometown Buffet and hope for the best while drowning in gravy.

Given the fact that Matt Schaub is probably trying to get his family safely out of Texas, Houston might be a possible destination. Personally though, I think Case Keenum and the new draft pick would do the same thing and cost less. Regardless, I’m not sure there’s any fantasy relevance here… yet.

Insane play-calling is about to happen in Cincy. Oh snap!

Giovani Benard is already looking forward to next season, calling Hue Jackson’s playbook “the craziest playbook ever…”. Yeah, forgetting this is Hue Jackson we’re talking about for a moment, I don’t think we need to get crazy in here. Jackson, I’m sure, will add ‘wrinkles’ and whatnot, but really, all he needs to do is make sure Benard gets more than 20 carries a game, something Jay Gruden, in all his offensive ‘genius’ (HAHAH, hold on a second, HAHAHHAA) couldn’t figure out how to do. But yeah, that’s really the only crazy wrinkle you need. Let’s see what happens…

What you might have missed this week…

– Sky said goodbye, and then I said hello. Welp, that was easy. Go figure…

– Hey, remember that time when we thought the Super Bowl was going to be a good game? And then it wasn’t. Yep, I do. Now you can too!

Kevin Kumpf has made this great top-20 list for Defensive Linemen in 2013. If you have a power shortage and want some J.J. Wattage, that might be the place for you. Eh, that’s the best I could do Kevin. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

– Tune in next week when we’ll (probably) have a look at the Senior Bowl and I’ll probably want to talk about Trent Richardson at some point. The things I do for you…

  1. killer joe says:

    You just had to drag New Coke into this, didn’t you?

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