Apologies, everyone. I missed last week’s article because I was busy with a jury duty summons. This wasn’t your typical case, which is exactly what I expected in my quiet Pennsylvania neighborhood. Instead, the case that I was potentially going to be selected for was national news: a quadruple homicide in a barn in southeast PA that is still being investigated now. Needless to say, I wasn’t selected, but it unfortunately kept me busy and kept me from sharing my strategy with all of you loyal readers… which is a shame, because my FanDuel lineups did pretty well this week (ignore the stakes and let me bask in the glory of my success… I’m just out of college, alright?).

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We are three days into #SFB9 and my 1.06 pick of James Conner is highlighted as a ‘notable’ pick in the first round. Sign me up for a bell cow back that is projected to receive over 70% of the teams rushing attempts (RB3). He was RB6 in first downs last season, even after missing the last three games of the season, and had 9 games over 50 yards out of his 12 games played. No back with that high of their teams rushing % would be there for me at 2.07. Who did you take with your number 1 pick? What was the craziest 1st round pick in your #SFB9 division?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Fantasy football playoffs in many leagues will begin in 4 weeks — where do you stand? What do you need to make your last playoff push? Trade deadline should be approaching even sooner — time to take stock of of what your team is and isn’t good at — and perhaps even more importantly — what do your league mates need that you have an abundance of? The best owners have been tracking who their future playoff competitors have been suffering through and how they can take advantage.

Four teams on a bye week in week 11: Panthers, Colts, Jets, 49ers. Not a lot of fantasy points lost by those four teams not playing, but three of my favorite punching bags are now not targets for waiver adds. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Congratulations! If you’re reading this you survived the Hunger Games of fantasy football only to begin an even more difficult ascent. It’s like what Maeve must have felt when she saw that ‘SW’ on the wall as she exited to Star Wars style, multi-leveled connecting corridor in the season finale of Westworld. That’s about as spoiler-friendly as I could possibly write that without giving anything away, haha. Point is…now  comes the hard part. Now is all that matters. Oh, you finished 9-4 to win the #2 seed and a bye in Round 1? Congratulations. Here’s a LifeSaver to enjoy while you go look at the total points and realize that all four teams under you scored more than you this season. Come Week 15 and Round 2, you’re likely to be in need of a LifeSaver. Fantasy Football is filled with luck (or the lack thereof, like that time when you score the 2nd most points, but miss the playoffs because of Colin Kaepernick ghosting Week 13. I guess that’s what I get after hyping him for a month straight. And don’t talk to me about karma. It doesn’t exist. And don’t worry…I’m not salty about it, either. Hahaha.), so savor that LifeSaver while you can; you may need a real one soon.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Being that the kind people at Razzball have given me a soapbox, if you will, to share with you all the thoughts that swim within my head, I thought I’d take advantage of said opportunity to rant. If you can bear with me for a few sentences I promise to return to regularly scheduled programming and, as I do on a weekly basis, tender my slightly above average fantasy football advice. And when I say “average” I really mean “mediocre”. And when I say “mediocre” what I REALLY mean is “fvcking awesome”. Okay, so perhaps I’m reaching for the proverbial stars, but why not. After all, I could probably give you crap advice and many of you would still be happy. Stealing a quote from Negan, I could be inclined to say “I just slid my d*ck down your throat and you thanked me”. But that’s not how I roll.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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This could go one of two ways. That smug look on Colbert above is one trajectory: pride. Last week’s Working the Waiver, beyond featuring a GIF and link to perhaps the funniest six minutes on the internet (thank you, Eastbound and Down), couldn’t have been more accurate. Okay, fine, it could have been without the Tajae Sharpe egg, but seriously…you could/should have rostered every name on there. But instead of puffing up my #dadbod chest for the masses to gawk over (eat your heart out, Tehol), the prevailing emotion is the second option: desperation. Seriously, I ain’t to proud to beg.

It’s Week 13. For all you non-math majors, that’s a bakers dozen. And in the fantasy world, you know what that means: One. More. Week. It’s the final week before playoffs begin. If you’re still reading this I assume you’re in the race for a playoff spot. And if you’re not, well…you’re the best kind of person. Thank you. Keep fighting even though the ship is now sunk (I’m doing this in a staff league. Gotta get as many points as possible to make my case that fantasy football involves incredible luck. Fourth most points in a 14-team league but miss the playoffs? Wasn’t my fault.). So, as we prep our playoff rosters, there are plenty of targets to either deepen your bench or shore up your FLEX spot. And guess what? A lot of the names are the EXACT same as last week. I TOLD YOU SO! Pick them up! I beg of you.

Here are the top targets to, well…target heading into Week 13!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Greetings! Loyal subjects, it brings me great honor to join you for another week where we can discuss the state of your fantasy football team while also throwing out guesses as to whom, between Christian Slater and Nicolas Cage, is packing the bigger papaya. Gotta be Cage, right? Anywhoosers, I had an absolutely stupendous time at the Seahawks game this weekend. Destroying the team that represents perennial losers like Meek Mill and the 76ers created immense joy inside of my once empty soul. However, I did stop at Buffalo Wild Wings on the way to Beddict Manor, as it’s where I met one of the friends of mine I took to the game. The food there is beyond godawful and I have absolutely no idea how this restaurant got so big. You’re telling me that no other company could create a similar sports bar (i.e. just a bunch of TVs), with EDIBLE food and waiters who aren’t high out of their minds? I haven’t been to Hooters in like five years but, oh ho-ho, that succulent meat is calling my name. Did you think I was talking about their chicken wings? That’s a negative, Ghostrider. Anyone been to Twin Peaks? There’s one close by and I’m highly intrigued. Let’s chat later about it.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?