Not long ago I threw a bunch of pieces of scrap paper with random letters scribbled on them into my fedora. I then randomly drew fifty letters from the titfer. Next I conducted several ritual sacrifices to the fantasy gods, assembled those fifty illegible letters into twenty-five pairs and selected the first football player who came to mind with matching initials to compile my Top 25 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. And that’s the story of how Kerryon Johnson landed at #18 overall, as the readers pointed and mocked.  Of course, I’m kidding about this process. I don’t own a fedora, it used a baseball cap.

A week later I repeated the same exercise to compose my Top 50 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football which landed Juju Smith-Schuster at #50 overall. And outrage ensued. The angry mob called for Donkey blood. So I quickly handed over my Top 75 and Top 100 Dynasty Rankings for 2020 Fantasy Football. But those only fueled the riots. “Put the rankings into one easy to view list,” they said. “We don’t need your stupid explanations and jokes,” they said. “You’re the ugliest Donkey we’ve ever seen,” they said.

So I withdrew into solitude for a couple weeks, rosterbating and meditating and then rosterbating more until finally I had another 100 arbitrary player names collated into one easy to read list for the bloodthirsty mob’s viewing pleasures. Anyway, here’s my updated top 200 dynasty rankings for 2020 PPR fantasy football leagues:

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I was watching NFL Network Sunday morning and a commercial came on that made me double take:

That’s right, there’s a curved erection epidemic running rampant in America! This advertisement created more questions than answers. First, what are the scientific qualifications for a shaft to earn the “diseased” label? Are we talking right angles or a bit more obtuse? Is there a special penis protractor to measure the exact angles? And what’s the treatment plan for this condition? You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know. But I am curious, who was this Peyronie guy? Whoever he was, thanks to him, the family name will forever go down as the crooked erection guys. The point is, no matter how terrible your fantasy football team was this season, things could be worse. You could be watching targeted erectile deformity ads on Sunday mornings. Even if you just got done searching Amazon for a penis protractor, at least the curved dong disease wasn’t named after you. And there’s always next year! So let’s all zip up our pants and shift our attention over to my early 2020 top 100 dynasty football PPR rankings which will be released into your veins–arm veins– via four-part slow drip: 

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Fantasy football is a tough game. In my opinion, the main reason is that player values change massively week to week in unpredictable ways. These things happen in baseball and basketball, but not nearly at the volume or frequency. There is no greater example of this in 2019 than Zach Ertz. During the pre-season Ertz was an obvious overvalue in the 3rd round.

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It would be fun to play in a 60,000 person DFS tournament against 59,999 DFS equivalents of the Dallas Cowboys. The amount of chances that they’ve had to run away with the abysmal NFC Least and put the Eagles’ hopes away is ridiculous. It would be like if you drafted Kirk Cousins this week (don’t) with a huge expectation of his performance against Detroit, and though he didn’t perform up to par, the other 59,999 teams chose either Devlin Hodges, or Gardner Minshew, or Eli Manning (don’t take them, either) and just begged you to stay in the running.

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While B_Don is off gallivanting in Europe, Donkey is joined by special guest and current RazzBowl leader, Mike Beers of RotoViz. Beers elaborates on his best ball and RazzBowl draft strategy as well as his in season RazzBowl management. Then the guys discuss several of Mike’s RazzBowl players and what the future might hold for each: Derrick Henry, Kyler Murray, Baker Mayfield, George Kittle and Keke Coutee.

Later in the waiver wire segment (24:55), Beers tears into Donkey Teeth’s Top 5 waiver adds heading into week 13. Players in consideration for a pickup this week include Rashaad Penny, A.J. Brown, Bo Scarbrough, Benny Snell and Randall Cobb. Tune in now and discover what RazzBowl dreams are made of!

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A quick google search tells me there’s only three predators capable of killing a Jaguar. The first is the anaconda—that big ass snake from the Jon Voight movie. The second is the caiman—these little gator looking guys in Mexico and South America. And the third, of course, is Derrick Henry—which makes sense because he looks a lot like a Predator. In week 13 last year, Henry took 17 carries for 238 yards and 4 touchdowns. I remember that game well because I was required to attend a 2.5 hour holiday lights trolley tour on that Thursday night which, to my surprise, turned out to be much more pleasant than watching Derrick Henry destroy my fantasy hopes and dreams before the week even started. Fast forward around 12 months, if you were playing against The Predator this week then I hope you also had a long Sunday afternoon holiday light trolley tour to attend. Henry rumbled for 159 yards on 19 carries plus another 16 yards on 1 reception and 2 touchdowns—he has 10 touchdowns on the season and is now under protest by PETA for his crimes against Jaguars.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s late games in fantasy football:

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I’m starting this on a Friday night, which is the beginning of my 9 day vacation from my day job. I take Thanksgiving week off every year because it only costs 3 vacation days to get 9 days off. Can’t beat that. Anyways, week 12 is upon us so let’s see what we have on the slate.

The Giants will visit Soldier Field to take on the Bears who are just trying to get to .500 to save face. They probably aren’t making the playoffs and they don’t have a 1st round pick this year. The Broncos will face off against the Bills and the Broncos are many people’s upset pick of the week. The Raiders will travel across the country to take on the Jets before facing the Chiefs next week for control of the AFC West. The Seahawks are coming off of their bye and will face a feisty Eagles team that is trying to stay in the NFC playoff hunt. The Cowboys are visiting the Patriots and this will be the matchup that most of America would rather see neither team win. And the night cap is a good one as we see Aaron Rodgers coming home (where he grew up) to take on the 49ers for NFC supremacy. Let’s get to the week 12 injuries before we get to the updated rankings. 

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Julio Jones is always a costly receiving option. In the past seven weeks though, he has underperformed based on his expensive price point. Three catches for 79 yards against the Saints was fine, I guess. Six catches for 91 last week would have been awesome for a DFS WR3 option. But for Julio, this just doesn’t cut it for me.

This is exactly the reason why I hope he doesn’t get taken by the other CLUELESS daily fantasy players that don’t read my almighty advice before each Sunday. Those same people that didn’t read my advice on the Josh Allen-John Brown stack, or Zeke’s bounce-back performance, or Kyle Rudolph’s minimally-priced game last week. Sigh. Some people will never learn.

Here are the top value picks, alongside Julio, for DFS this week.

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Welp. Last week was a kick in the pants, but don’t fret I was right there taking it with you. People are saying it was the Vegas sportsbooks worst weekend of the year. Favorites went 9-4-1 ATS on the closing line, while underdogs are 87-70-4 ATS overall this year on the closing line. Finding any edges in this fake sport we all have an unhealthy obsession with is a process over the course of the season. That process has led me to a 4 pieces I found in research this week that have implication on not only this week, but the rest of the season overall. 

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