Week 1 is in the books, we are on the heel of the Thursday Night Football Bengals-Ravens game and I couldn’t be more happy. Is there any better time of the year? Before I clicked submit on this piece, we received a beautiful clip of Joe Mixon jogging in to the locker room early in the first quarter with a right knee injury. This will be the freshest handcuff report out on the inter-web. Mixon owners please pick up Giovani Bernard, he is looking fresh out there!

I will not go down a rabbit hole of why you should roster your RB handcuff because I know you are here to scroll straight to the names, that is what I am here to give you. Read my pre-season handcuff article if you are curious. I’ll sum it up for you, SCHEME!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

02_AFC-NorthReport_news

What’s up fans of American Football!? It’s your good buddy Honcho back to walk you through the AFC North. Yuck. That was my first reaction when I was assigned this division. I mean, can you think of four teams that deserve each other more than this group of franchise swapping,  Super Bowl gloating, bad chili pushing tough-guy wannabees? Yeah, me either. This division is tough to love. I mean truly it is. But I’m here to give you the tour so let’s proceed.

Our first objective is to identify the participants. Let’s start with the Cleveland Browns. Okay, cool. So you’re feeling good about the NBA season, but guess what LeBron’s not under center…..And that’s probably a bad thing. They hired a baseball analytics specialist to ruin –  errrrr I mean run things. The Dodgers thought so little of him they ran him out-of-town. What could possibly go wrong? So here’s the thing…I think they’re on the right track, accumulating draft picks and athletes – but this isn’t the year. Heading south, but still staying in Ohio we find the Cincinnati Bengals who have a better than average team, but just can’t win a playoff game. They’ll give it another shot this season and will probably challenge the Steelers for the top spot in the division. Speaking of the Steelers….Is there a more insufferable fan base in football? I’ve been to Pittsburgh more than a few times and you know what? Every Steelers’ fan looks the same. How is that possible? The jorts say it’s summer, the tucked in jersey says it’s football season, but the waistline says you gave up a long time ago. Ha! Just kidding Pittsburgh, I love your city! Mostly due to Primanti Brothers but hey, gotta start somewhere, right? This year you’re the team to beat in the North. Don’t mess this up. Finally we have the Ravens. Flacco’s back. That’s good. They signed Trent Richardson and then proceeded to release him shortly after. He didn’t even stick around to try Ray-Ray’s famous “Deer-Antler” spray. That was rude. Anyway, the Ravens are staring 8-8 right in the face, but if any team can luck box their way into the playoffs it’s this bunch.

So, with all that said the fantasy relevant information awaits. Per usual, I’ll list the teams in order of predicted finish. Here we go!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (Half-PPR) |  Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB | RB (PPR)| WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST | IDP Rankings: Top-100 | DL | DB | LB

So we’ve finally arrived at what many consider the Cadillac of rankings– the running back position. Though, I don’t really get the car association, seeing as how there are several other makes I’d rather own. I’d even consider some Kia’s, but that might be my half-Koreaness (is that a thing?) coming into play. Which might make it raycess. Who knows. What I do know is that Kia stands for Keeping It Awesome, and that’s all that matters. So here we are, ranking the running backs, and the first thing that I think of is a little boy’s village being attacked by a vicious tiger named Chaka Khan Shere Khan. During the attack, he gets lost in a jungle and ends up meeting a wise bear and black panther, who both talk. Which sounds like a good acid trip. Or the plot to The Jungle Book. Why this is the first thing that came to mind is the more interesting subject, but I have no idea how to tackle it. So this whole thing will have to stand on its own. Yeah, I have no clue either. Rankings forward!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Folks, what a crazy week we had. There was this little thing called, err. Wait a minute, my mind just went blank. Like, totally, wow. You know what I’m talking about… you know, that thing that was on this past Sunday? Had this guy with the big forehead running all over the place. Pigskin being thrown about in the air. Yeah, in fact, that forehead dude was throwing that pigskin to the players that were wearing different colors. Su–Suu— Sweater Bowl? Yeah, that’s totally it. That little thing called Sweater Bowl… that was on Sunday. And it had a dude with a big forehead. Then… afterwards? Nothing. Absolutely nothing whatsoever. And that’s what we have to look forward to for, um, about 210 days. Boy, that sounds really depressing. That’s 5,040 hours. I am now officially turning ‘drowning in my sorrows’ mode to the ‘on’ position. Luckily, my sorrow tastes a lot like bourbon. Anyhow, the point is, misery loves company. So be sure to take some time during your Friday to commiserate with me as we go over the weekly off-season news. Because, there is nothing more meaningful in life than sweaters. And football. And maybe sweater vests. NAW, but I had you goin’ there Bob Costas, didn’t I?

Please, blog, may I have some more?