bengalphoto2

After last Sunday’s unexpected, yet sort of expected meltdown against a Patriots team that was seriously broken to that point, one has to wonder if the Bengals will ever be ready for the spotlight. Signing Andy Dalton to a six-year, bajillionty dollar contract extension this past offseason certainly showed us that their front office is all in. Or, at the very least, supports the ingredient ginger. And while you could argue that such a large extension for a quarterback that’s mainly used as a bar for comparing other quarterback’s talent levels (if your quarterback is better than Andy Dalton, you’re in pretty good shape, if he isn’t, you’re screwed), it’s not  like there’s an abundance of elite throwers out there. Plenty of Jason Campbell’s and Kevin Kolb’s though. So there are worse things you could do at the position. The Jets say hello. And paired with one of the best receivers in the NFL in A.J. Green, with Giovani Bernard and a top-5 defense, you could see this Bengels team go really far. Just as long as they don’t have any more games in prime time. Or during Wild Card weekend. Or any playoff game in general. But besides that, I could totally see this team take off. Really.

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Welcome to the Handcuff Report, 2014 primer. The Almighty J-FOH has bestowed upon me the honor of keeping you knuckleheads up to date on the latest NFL arrests, felonies, and misdemeanors. If Steven Ridley and Shane Vereen are smoking weed in a Pontiac Firebird, we’ll be there. If  Titus Young finds his way back into the league, we’ll be there. If Golden Tate decides to steal maple bars from a Detroit bakery, we’ll be there. You get the point…. Wait.?!?! That’s not what this post covers?…. It’s about running back committee’s? …Hmmm I don’t think that’s right. Jay, I think we have a problem…..I had 1,300 words about Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Le’veon Bell, and LeGarrette Blount. It seemed reasonable, there are a lot of arrests, and they do in fact impact our rosters. But okay… I got it now, you meant handcuff in a less literal sense. Oops! Welp, time to refocus. I guess instead I’ll be discussing the ever evolving Running Back committee situations around the league. For today and at least the first few weeks of the season, I’ll be providing a list of depth charts and commenting on the situations I feel need to be covered. In other words I’ll be spending less time on teams like the Vikings, Bears, or Seahawks and more time on teams like the Lions, Falcons, and Dolphins. As the season progresses, I’ll probably switch to more of a “handcuffs to watch format”, where I’ll cover a handful of backs with expanding roles. But who knows, we’ll see, you guys can tell me in the comments if you like the depth chart rankings. I’m cool with that. After today I will be sticking with the tried and true tiered approach (say that three times fast Micro Machine Man) and the tier names that J-FOH had last year, because what else is there outside of Fuzzy, Standard Issue Police, and Duct taped handcuffs? That pretty much covers the handcuff gamut. No??? Are there other varieties besides the ones covered?  Like those weird plastic ones, that cops use, maybe? Did you notice I said “cops use”… do you know why? Because Standard Issue Police That’s Why!!!

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I hath arrived, my children! Wait, where are the doves? I told you I wanted to come back to the releasing of doves like I was on a John Woo set, Jay, and all I see are bread crumbs and a bunch of pigeons. I get it, we’re a little more low budget here than the Razzball Baseball side of things but it’s bad enough you couldn’t take the brown M&M’s out of the bowl before taking them to my trailer. And speaking of trailer, where did this rust bucket come from? Like, did you buy this off some yokel from West Virginia? Smells like someone’s been cooking meth in here…but I guess I’m already on set so enough with the complaining. Though I DO expect at least a cheese plate at this point, thank you very much. Anyways, the last time I was around these parts, I was saying my sad and tearful goodbyes as the lead writer over here but did promise I’d be back in the Fall. Well, if you can have Christmas in July, why can’t you have Fall there too, right? And while we’re on the topic, this is a shout out to my family members that always ask why I’m not coming to see you in the dead of winter. Oh, I don’t know, because you live in a snowy part of Idaho and want me to drive 9 hours during the worst time of the year to travel to do it? I can say Merry Xmas over the phone. Heck, we could even Skype if you really wanna see my scruffy mug. Next year, we’re all having Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years over a vacation week in the middle of July. That way the only car wrecks will happen in the parking lot when Grandma tries to drive and get yet another 5th of Jack. Heart you, Grandma…but enough of this, you don’t even know what a Scott Fish Bowl is and we’re over 300 words in so lets get started. Here’s my Scott Fish Bowl team for the 2014 Fantasy Football season…

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I know what you’re thinking… The last week?  The last LSD of the season?  But unfortunately, it is the last of the Last Second Decisions, as I am officially retiring from fantasy football after this season.  It’s been an absolutely incredible ride the past three years fielding the last minute questions, three years of Last Second Decisions, helping out with Team Previews, RCLs, a couple Daily Recaps, everything that makes Razzball be Razzball.  Good news is Sky is gonna keep Razzball Football the best in the biz heading into next year, while I focus everything on Razzball Basketball to bring you the hoops hardware.  Or the hoops scissors.  As in cutting down the net.  Don’t run with them!  Again, it couldn’t have been a happier ride, and if you have any Fantasy NBA teams, be sure to keep up with us on basketball through the rest of the NBA season!

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In most leagues this is championship week. It also means 80 percent or more of players are done for the season. For those who still remain, let’s take a look at the key injuries that can make or break your title dreams.

Adrian Peterson (foot, groin) was limited in practice the last couple days as was Toby Gerhart (hamstring) and Matt Asiata didn’t practice either so the Vikings’ running back situation looks like a big mess heading into this week against Cincinnati. Today should provide clarity as to who will do the running against the fifth-best rush defense in the league.

If Peterson’s available, you play him. Gerhart is more of desperation play and Asiata looks like someone to avoid all together. While Asiata scored three times last week, keep in mind his low yardage totals. Asiata should only be used in TD-only formats if both AP and Gerhart are out.

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I found it fitting to quote the Doors classic “The End” to signal the finale to our FFB season. If your championship is next week then I feel sorry for you because your commish is really bad at his/her job and deserves all the condemnation that is coming to them. Now back to this whole “The End” thing, this is it for me, next week is my awards show, which reminds me that I need to grab my tuxedo T-Shirt from the dry cleaners, and all we have are the real life playoffs. *makes hip thrusting motions at monitor* My Broncos are in, what about your teams? Now is the time to show all your “skills” and hopefully the people you choose will play all four quarters, get their projections +, and they don’t suffer some game ending injury that makes you look terrible at fantasy because when your guys get hurt it’s all your fault. How stupid must we be to play a guy that gets hurt, didn’t you get the crystal ball that came in the box of Captain Crunch. We need to keep a few things in perspective, play smart but not over think ourselves, look at the floor vs. the ceiling if it’s close and keep a box of tissues with us at all times on Sunday. The best thing about this week is we have no TNF, which IMO, is the worst thing the NFL has done since allowing this jackass back in the league. Oh wait, that’s right, they have no integrity…or soul, they can play god with fines for questionable hits and suspend people for smoking some weed but this a**hole gets to play every week? WTF is wrong with this picture?….besides that dudes hair. Hey look it’s a fantasy paragraph below, let’s check it out. Actually two paragraphs down are fantasy sports, the next one is fantasy becoming reality, go ahead Kid A, insert your snark now.

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Sure, you got a few points out of him last week, but if you want to win your league championship game, you need to bench Jamaal Charles.

Oh good, you’re still reading.

Benching a player just because someone told you it’s the right thing to do is the fantasy football equivalent of jumping off a bridge because your friend told you to. If you even considered benching Charles after reading that first sentence, you need to get outside more. This is your team. As I’ve said all season, if you have a good feeling about someone, start them! Sure, Adrian Peterson is coming off an injury and has a tough matchup in Cincinnati, but are you going to bench the guy you likely drafted in the first round or traded some serious talent to acquire? Of course not! Sure, Zac Stacy has a tough game against Tampa Bay this week, but he’s done great things against tough defenses before and the Rams are handing him the rock often so there’s no way you can bench him now.

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It’s here.  Finally.  The Finale.  The big tamale.  The Carne Asiata.

The ginormous 2013 Fantasy Football Millionaire Grand Final is this weekend, where the overall winner is going to win a million bucks.  A thousand thousands.  A million… ones…  Imagine making it rain that much, Pacman!  In a futile attempt all year, I unfortunately did not win a satellite ticket into the tourney, so I’m playing in a cheapy and not in line for the million.  But hopefully you have enough to enter the contest or have won any of the several satellites to get in there.  And if a member of Razzball Nation becomes a millionaire, maybe you buy me a couple crown and cokes?  Yup, I’m gonna be “one of those” if you’re a winner!

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Welcome once again my festive fake footballers to the Razzball Lounge. Championship week has arrived. As the Fantasy Football season comes to it’s merciful end, it’s time for one more visit to the lounge where we fake football scribes have gathered for our annual Razzball Holiday Spooktacular. It’s that time of year where we don our Santa hats, show off our Christmas balls and toss back warm eggnog spiked with a combination of Canadian Club and rohypnol. The ladies love it! As championship weekend approaches, we find a humbug filled Sky slowly rocking back and forth muttering the words “muscle hamster” over and over. There’s JB settled under the Christmas tree like a drunken Linus, “Did Santa bring me a Luke Kuechly jersey?” At the jukebox we find J-FOH dropping quarters, playing “The Hanukkah Song” for the fifth time and singing, “drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah…” *bottle smashes above head* Meanwhile, the one and only Tehol Beddict asks this young lady, “Wanna see my Festivus pole??” And here at the pool table is your humble holiday sweater wearing Guru contemplating his final jammer/crammer list of fantasy ballers that’ll score you the Shiva, bragging rights and maybe enough cash to spend New Years in Vegas. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, throws up on waitress* “God bless us, every one.”

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Razzball Nation!  I’m filling in for Sky this morning in the football recap, as Sky was called by Al Davis for a possible CB job opening.  That would be scary for multiple reasons!  Man Oakland was brutal.  Long live the Chiefs offense!  Jamaal Charles had a historic game (6th highest fantasy output in non-PPR since 1960), making the Raiders D look worse than some of those Raiders costumes.  The real Rocky Horror Picture Show was the pass D, as JC Superstar enlightened fantasy owners with 8 catches (on 8 targets) for 195 yards and 4 TDs.  Plus an extra 20 on the ground with a score there.  Straight video game numbers!  “RB screen, X, X, X!”  Actually that sounds like a porn title.  I’ll have to ask Tehol about that one.  Charles has been effing fantastic this year, and I think easily the fantasy MVP.  Sure you could argue Peyton Manning, but if you have JC and you’re somehow not waltzing through the playoffs than you only have yourself to blame!  Is he fantasy’s #1 pick next year?  I don’t see how you could resist.  If someone really wanted Adrian Peterson, I’d turn to them after that pick ala the 1,000-year old dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and go “he chose poorly…”  While some teams had their dreams melt away, others are marching into the finals with the rest of the week 15 happenings…

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