LOGIN

The biggest lottery in fantasy football is the output of rookies. To help us make some accurate predictions of what to expect from this year’s class, we’re going to look through previous rookies over the last 10 years who have been drafted into similar situations. Today we’ll be starting off with the quarterbacks. Should you […]

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sometimes I wonder why we even worry about injury reports. Take Thursday Night Football for example — two teams that were as healthy as could be. Even the miraculous “got shot 2 months ago and is already the starting RB Brian Robinson” was there. And what did we get for Amazon’s 11 billion dollar investment in TNF? The Commanders topping the Bears in the most baseball-like 12-7 game you could imagine. Bookies literally paid out the under at the start of the 4th quarter — they didn’t even wait for the end of the game. Carson Wentz with a field of healthy receivers against the freaking Chicago Bears couldn’t top 100 yards passing. Like, who cares about injuries if the freaking starters aren’t even playing. We all saw the Justin Fields meme of him literally meditating and checking out in the middle of the game. 

Namaste, friends. Seek the center. 

So let’s consider the power of change, and see what we can do for all of you who are missing essential players this week. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There was some stat floating around the internet that caught my eye, much like that YouTube video that explains in excruciating detail the sharpest tuna-cutting knife on David Attenborough’s Planet Earth. Now that I’ve lost you in 8 sub-clauses and some exciting tuna talk, I’ll reveal the stat: The Detroit Lions — yes, the Motor City Kitties — were the top-scoring team in the league and had only one win to show for it. Your fantasy teams squealed in delight as Jared Goff and Jamaal Williams — your pre-season all-stars, right? — racked up points and millions of bucks for DFS teams. This week, the Lions faced the Patriots, helmed by the esteemed backup to the backup Bailey Zappe. Shoulda been a slam dunk, right? Well, 161 ground yards by Rhamondre Stevenson later, the Lions got shut out, and Zappe got his first career win, a mere week after nearly felling the great ayahuasca plant that is Aaron Rodgers. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The year is 2022. Yogurt is $6 a quart. Starbucks is one of the top 10 largest banks in the world. And all of your fantasy teams are daggered because you drafted Kyle Pitts in the second round. Every team, every time: Pitts, Pitts, Pitts. It was like you were drafting your team based on lithium futures. Now we’re 25% of the way through the season, and you’ve got a 1-3 record (you swear it’s Jameis Winston’s fault) and Kyle Pitts has seen fewer passes than me at Fantasy Football Singles Night (fortunately for you, I’m taken). Now, you’ll need to navigate Week 5 without the Tight End you love to worry about. It’s — literally — the Pitts. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I had the beginnings of a witty lede typed up prior to Thursday night’s matchup between the Dolphins and Bengals in Cincy, but it didn’t seem appropriate to run with after the second quarter head/neck injury sustained by Miami QB Tua Tagovailoa. In what has been a breakout season for the former No. 5 overall pick, Tua was taken off the field via a stretcher after a hit delivered by DT Josh Tupou rendered him unconcious due to a neurological injury. Tua’s status certainly has fantasy ramifications that stretch across the entire Miami team, but the primary concern is for Tagovailoa’s personal well being and overall health as it relates to life outside of football. In the interim, backup QB Teddy Bridgewater instantly becomes an option in two-QB leagues should Tua be in line to miss time. We’ll unpack the rest of Week 4 of Thursday Night Football below, but continue to monitor this situation moving forward.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’ve told you this before, and we’ll tell it to you again here: the best projection systems are accurate on the best players about 35-45% of the time, depending on various factors like slate size, injuries, weather, and proximity to unsanitary gas station food sources. When people say that “fantasy football is just luck,” well, they’re wrong. Fantasy football is about educated guesses, really. Just like there was no real reason that GameStop and Doge Coin should have been making people millionaires earlier this year, they nonetheless did make people rich. People are able to make educated guesses about the trends of chaos and say, “The risk of this commodity meets my expectation for value, so I’ll take the risk.” That’s basically what fantasy sports are all about: what player will you draft at what position, and how much value will they bring your team? And as much as we analysts like to say that we are certain about stuff, the truth is that the more uncertain and skeptical the analyst is, the more likely they are to be reliable over the long term. Analysts tell themselves all sorts of narratives in all sorts of ways to prepare for each week of fantasy sports: Rudy Gamble uses snap count data, I tend to consider how likely a player is to end up in a favorable game script, and Donkey Teeth considers how a player looks without their shirt on. And in a week like this — Week 15 of 2021 fantasy football for the SEO record — we find ourselves in a world of massive underdog narratives that make no analytical sense to predict at the beginning of the season. Craig Reynolds — a guy who went undrafted and for three years was unable to crack even the practice squad of teams that didn’t have running backs — put up 112 yards rushing as the Lions triumphed over the Cardinals and gained their second win of the year (not season…year). Aight, this paragraph is getting long. You get the point: the impossible was possible tonight. Tonight. (Now you’re singing it in your head, I bet) Let’s check out the rest of the players that you probably didn’t start unless you were in a 50,000 person DFS contest. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

One of my favorite movie theater experiences came during my freshman year in college at my local art house cinema. I had never seen a David Lynch film before but heard good things about him. All I really knew is he made Twin Peaks, a tv show with the most nightmare inducing theme song. In hindsight, maybe Mulholland Dr. was not the best foray into his catalog. While it is now one of my favorite films, I left the theater confused and doubting my own intelligence. I went back the next night and it started to become clearer. It was the first movie where the audience stayed around after and discussed “what it all meant.” Sometimes NFL weeks can feel a mess and make absolutely no sense. They hit you like a ton of bricks and require more than the usual analysis. This past week felt like one of those weeks, but through the madness and riddles, a few bright lights shone through all the way to the waiver wire.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I was working in the lab, late one night. When my eyes beheld an eerie sight. For my monster on his slab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise… He did the Mash. The Monster Mash

Just take these wise words in for a moment. Breathe them in. The monster… he did the mash. And don’t we all do the mash sometimes, much to the chagrin and sometimes excitement to our contemporaries? Yes, even sometimes it will truly be a “graveyard smash”. 

What was this section about? Oh uh Halloween injury report. Right. There was a thread here but I got carried away in the poetry of Bobby “Boris” Pickett & The Crypt Kickers (Side note: Here’s a great TV performance of Bobby Pickett doing the Monster Mash, a real masterclass in making really weird faces and being a weirdo).

The teams who will have some extra trick-or-treating time on bye this week are the Ravens and the Raiders. See ya next week! 

Let’s get into this week’s horror show!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I had my first board meeting with the Razzball executives this past week and was it a doozy. If you’re wondering what a meeting with Razzball looks like, it is all very secretive and mysterious. None of our identities are known and we all wear large teddy bear suits. We often get accused of copying the 1998 motion picture The Avengers (no not the Marvel one), but they told me we did it first. At the meeting we addressed how we should refer to the free agent acquisition budget (FAAB) percentages going forth. After two darts in the neck to teddy bears I can only assume were Skorish and JB Barry (neither returned my calls over the weekend), we decided going forth the percentages will still reflect original budget. We would like to thank all who contributed and Reddit for sending their weird bear with the crazy smile. Apparently, he had to pay extra tokens for it and we know this because he just would not shut up about it! Alas, your waivers.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

[brid autoplay=”true” video=”885648″ player=”10951″ title=”RZBL%20FB%202021%20BSH%20Week%207″ duration=”143″ description=”undefined” uploaddate=”2021-10-21″ thumbnailurl=”//cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/thumb/885648_t_1634801279.png” contentUrl=”//cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/885648.mp4″]

 

Ah yes. Week 7. It’s so easy to look over this slate of games and think: “huh. This seems like a boring week”. This might be partially influenced by watching superstars Teddy Bridgewater and Case Keenum face off in an extremely boring game in Cleveland. And listen, you’re probably right. The favorites might just sweep the board and we may experience the most lopsided and dull day in NFL history. But how many times have you really seen that EVER happen? That’s right, it’s always any given Sunday, baby. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Let’s be honest, I don’t think anybody was expecting offensive fireworks in this week’s Thursday Night Football matchup between the Cleveland Browns and Denver Broncos. Leading up to the game, most of the conversation revolved around the players that weren’t playing rather than the ones who would be playing. Cleveland was coming into this one without their starting quarterback Baker Mayfield and both starting running backs in Nick Chubb and Kareem Hunt. In addition, both star wide receivers were questionable and up until gameday, Broncos quarterback Teddy Bridgewater was questionable as well. Many expected this game to be a grind-it-out low scoring game and that’s exactly what we got.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I write you from the warm fall ambiance of Green Bay in October, where I’ve been hired as the new kicker for the Packers. After Mason Crosby missed a hat trick worth of field goals, I was hired on Fiverr by a guy named “Cornelius Chuck” to take over the booting work in the Bold North. My new insider knowledge informs this fantasy football report, which is filled with my new coach speak jargon. Let’s jam the tires full of cheese my mateys! 

Here’s what I saw in Week 5 of 2021 Fantasy Football: 

Please, blog, may I have some more?