Tolbert Dance

Trying to figure out rankings in the NFC East is no job for amateurs. And let’s just say I’m no expert. First, you have Washington pulling off their own little Super Bowl by coming back and beating the (GASP!) Tampa Buccaneers and moving to 3-4. Then you have the Giants being gifted a win by the video game known as Casselvania. (I knew Romoitis was a terminal illness, but I didn’t realize it was so contagious as well. Unfortunately, Matt Cassel looks to be in the late stages. Very sad. Surprising too, as you don’t usually see Romoitis without Romo involved. Maybe it was a pre-existing condition? Thank goodness we have Obamacare folks.) And then you have the Eagles losing to the Panthers on Sunday Night Football, because the quarterback they have is better at throwing lateral yards than forward yards. I’m telling you, even with a day filled with terrible officiating, the rest of the AFC South getting embarrassed (around the world this week! Making sure that soccer remains the most popular sport in the world…), an unfortunate season-ending injury to a NFL star running back, nothing can compare to the NFC East trying their best to out-derp each other on the way to the division title. The best part of it all is that one of these teams will be actually going to the playoffs… imagine that . It’s like a dream come true…

Here’s what else I saw yesterday during Week 7’s Sunday games…

Want to win a Razzball T-Shirt? Try out our new Fantasy Football Team Name Generator and post your favorite below in the comment section. We’ll select a random winner this Thursday!

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Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today to discuss a problem that affects us all. That problem is Peyton Manning. Let’s imagine for a moment that all of you are as dumb as the author of this article, and you drafted Manning. I drafted him a lot, like all over. So before you look at me with judgmental stares, understand I’m not very smart, and I make it usual practice to kill as many brain cells as possible. So now that we’ve established the problem (Manning), and the reasons behind it (my lack of intellectual capacity). It’s time to discuss some solutions, and how we can triage this problem. Yes, I really wanted to use “triage” in a sentence…. Let’s begin by saying it’s the Broncos bye week, so even if for some God forsaken reason you decide to hold onto old fuss and feathers, you’re going to need a fill-in. For the rest of us rational thinking normies, we need a replacement. So begins our Wavier Wire adds for Week 7.

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Good god, what was that?

In what, dare I say, was a pretty good football game for a majority of the time (let’s just agree to not include a very morose and slug-paced fourth quarter), the Patriots continued their trend of deflating balls, cheating, receiving biased officiating, beating the Colts, which, based on recent history, was really no surprise. However, as I mentioned in last night’s Sunday Night Football Live Thread, this game really had no business being close, and it’s a testament to either Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis offense playing competently or the New England defense not being as good as we thought. In this case, it might have been a little of both (not including fourth downs, as shown above). But eventually, nature was able to drive the score to it’s most natural environment when mistakes from the Colts started to stack, all with a heaping side of LeGarrette Blount to help drive it all home. Which leads me to wonder, when the Colts draft defensive players, do they make sure that they can’t tackle first? Haha, just kidding, the Colts only draft wide receivers. With the win, the Patriots continue, along with the Bengals, Broncos, Packers, and Panthers to be the only unbeaten teams through Week 6. I’d say half of those teams are mediocre and the other half deserve their record. I’ll let you figure out which team gets the 0.5 left over from that equation…

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Homies, I’m home! Greetings! I come to you live from Kathmandu, at a retreat where other Elder God chosen worshipers come to participate in peyote smoking, animal sacrifice, and some other mind-stimulating activities I’m not at liberty to discuss. Living at this elevation has really helped me clear my head of all negative thoughts and distractions, and if the Elders are correct, this will be the greatest weekend of my Fantasy Football predicting life. Thus far, we’ve discussed “fear of failure” and “radical acceptance”, and all of a sudden, things have become so clear for me; Razzball will go on to become the largest fantasy sports site on the planet and I will ride around our world’s largest cities on an elephant while women throw themselves at my well manicured feet. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take heed!

My rankings have been updated and can be found here.

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So, I’ll be honest… I’m not quite sure if what I saw last night was an okay game or a boring one. True, we are talking about a prime time game that featured a then 2-12 Titans team vs. their ultimate mirror universe nemesis, the also 2-12 Jaguars. Let’s just say if they figured out how to include both the Raiders and Buccaneers on the field at the same time (why isn’t this a thing?), I would have fainted. And while there was some subtle competency from Charile Whitehurst (perhaps trying to grab the attention of Washington) at the beginning of the game, driving 12 plays and 84 yards for a touchdown, the game kinda settled into a mix of “gee, this seems like a good time to try heroin” to “I was promised derp! Where is the derp?” So, in the end, there was a mildly entertaining game between two teams that kinda stink. Which, I guess seems fitting for the end of Thursday Night Football this year, in that, this was probably a top-5 game for them this season. Scary, I know. So… with a Jaguars win and a Titans loss, the resounding takeaway probably is: YOUR MOVE JETS.

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Last week, I had the ALCS on the television as I was researching some fantasy fantasy football on my MacBook Pro, and something funny happened. My wife, who’s more of a Total Divas and House Hunters kind of viewer, looked up at the game and said “is that Philip Seymour Hoffman?” Without turning my head I knew exactly who she was talking about, and immediately starting laughing. While she knows that the inventor of the shart is no longer with us, I have to admit, the resemblance is a bit uncanny. And in case you haven’t figured it out, the Philip Seymour Hoffman impersonator I am referring to is none other than Buck Showalter…

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Normally, I start with a little opening about the week and dive into the picks for the waiver wire. This week, I’m going to go a little different to open…

It’s one thing to get waiver advice from this site. It’s another thing to get it from someone who is in first place. It’s even nicer when they’re the same person. That is exactly the case right now in the Razzball Writers League, where I am the top banana by myself at 6-1. Hooray for me at the halfway point. Enough chest-thumping, let’s get into the meat of the column.

This week is going to be a very key one on the waiver wire. This is Week 8 and each of the next two weeks feature six teams on bye. If you make the right move this week, you can potentially sit back and reap the benefits while your opponents scramble each week trying to make moves. First, the byes. This week, it’s San Francisco and the New York Giants. Week 9 features Atlanta, Buffalo, Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay and Tennessee sitting out. Week 10 has Houston, Indianapolis, Minnesota, New England, San Diego and Washington at home on the couch. Week 11 is a little easier with Baltimore, Dallas, the Jets and Jacksonville on a bye. And Carolina and Pittsburgh close it out on Week 12.

We’re going to have to keep this in mind as we evaluate our selections.

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After last Sunday’s unexpected, yet sort of expected meltdown against a Patriots team that was seriously broken to that point, one has to wonder if the Bengals will ever be ready for the spotlight. Signing Andy Dalton to a six-year, bajillionty dollar contract extension this past offseason certainly showed us that their front office is all in. Or, at the very least, supports the ingredient ginger. And while you could argue that such a large extension for a quarterback that’s mainly used as a bar for comparing other quarterback’s talent levels (if your quarterback is better than Andy Dalton, you’re in pretty good shape, if he isn’t, you’re screwed), it’s not  like there’s an abundance of elite throwers out there. Plenty of Jason Campbell’s and Kevin Kolb’s though. So there are worse things you could do at the position. The Jets say hello. And paired with one of the best receivers in the NFL in A.J. Green, with Giovani Bernard and a top-5 defense, you could see this Bengels team go really far. Just as long as they don’t have any more games in prime time. Or during Wild Card weekend. Or any playoff game in general. But besides that, I could totally see this team take off. Really.

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In 2009, when he was mounting a campaign to be the first white running back in 35 years to win the Heisman Trophy, Toby Gerhart was sometimes referred to as “The Great White Hope”. [Jay’s Note: Dat’s raycess.] I thought that was Peyton Hillis, but I could be wrong. Gerhart was a consensus First-Team All-America selection, the Pac-10 Offensive Player of the Year, and one of 5 finalists for the Heisman Trophy. Despite winning the Doak Walker Award as the best running back in the nation and the Jim Brown Trophy given to the top running back in the country, Gerhart’s dream of breaking the Heisman barrier fell short as he finished in second place to Mark Ingram by 28 points, which was the slimmest of margins in 74 years. He was drafted in the second round of the 2010 the NFL draft by the Minnesota Vikings and spent the next 4 years as Adrian Peterson‘s backup.

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Gronk, my savior. My gallant knight in shining armor riding his mighty steed coming to rescue me, his distressed virgin maiden. That’s two weeks in a row now that Gronk has saved me from fantasy extinction, and I owe him my sanity for it. In all of my days, I’ve never witnessed a tight end that seemingly breaks a tackle on every single reception. Sorta like how Kanye West seemingly says something incredibly moronic every time he opens his mouth or puts on a new skirt. It’s quite incredible, really. It’s certainly within the realm of  possibility  that Gronk could have been the greatest tight end in the game’s history, if you erased all the nasty injuries that incredibly chiseled body (pause) has endured. That’s most likely not going to occur now, but as long as he’s even at 75%, he’s a top-3 tight end in football. I’ll take 100 yards and a tub each and every week from my tight end and celebrate with an O’Douls. If captain limp wrist can play like he did this past week, Gronk’s numbers should continue to ascend like Apple stock after they dropped the iPhone 6….Wait… what? Scratch that. Oh, you waited six hours in the rain for one of those? I wouldn’t wait six hours in the street for a FREE iPhone 6, let alone to have the opportunity to pay full price for one. Kudos to those of you with that kind of dedication and tenacity though. I’m thoroughly impressed…

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