Greetings, my fine football friends. I told ya when I left that I wasn’t gone…whatever that means. To be fair, I’ve been here all season covering DraftKings content here with the Razz, if ya didn’t know. That’s the lead article on Wednesdays, IYDK part 2. If you’re wondering why I’m here and Jay’s not, well we’re all human and Jay needed a night to himself, though I heard he brought with him a bottle of scotch, some lube, and the family friendly follow up that every Rick Moranis fan has been waiting for: Honey I Blew Everybody. Hope you enjoyed your night, Jay. Now get the eff back to work! Alright, pimping done, primping starts. Namely Joe Flacco‘s eyebrows. I don’t care what he does on the field, he doesn’t get a pass for his forehead caterpillar. You got cash money, bro, clean that ish up. Now that I’ve done my job in covering what needs not be covered – Flaccbrow – let’s get down to the getting down. Flacco had a huge day…oh, who am I kidding he had a huge HALF. All five of the touchdowns he threw came in the first two quarters as the MRSAneers returned home after two hard-fought games games on the road to roll over and pretend they took ‘ludes at home. We all know every decent QB in the league – and yes, Flacco IS decent and mayhap, a gentleman – can put up big numbers against bad defenses and Tampa Bay has been just that most of the year. Flacco finished 21 of 29 with 306 passing yards, 5 TD passes and zero scheduled waxings…minus the one he gave to the Buccs…OOOOOH BURN.  Overall, if you picked him up to stream this week, good on you and you might wanna hold for one more as he gets another extremely leaky defense in the Falcons next week at home. After that, you can drop him and pick up whoever else plays TB. In fact, I almost feel bad for Lovie at this point. Seriously, gonna have to change his name to Hatie Smith after this season is over. Poor schlub…either way, let’s move on. Here are some other looks back on the week 6 that was for 2014 Fantasy Football…
Torrey Smith – Had 4 receptions for 51 yards and 2 touchdowns. Duh, I dropped him everywhere this week. Just watch my roster moves and do the opposite. But for really-o’s, there was some rumblings this week about some off the field issues for Torrey and it came from Torrey. That’s worrisome. He was already a boom/bust kinda guy prior to all of this and I’d listen to what TLC has to say about starting him next week.
Steve Smith, Sr – It’s weird typing the ‘Sr’ after Steve but he is the elder gentleman on this Ravens receiving group but he’s playing better than all the young’uns so far. After a 5/110/1 day, it’s clear what Smith Flacco prefers and it’s pronounced ‘Smiff’.
Mike Evans – With the surprise return for the Buccs, Evans hauled in 4 catches for 55 and a TD as Glennon and company decided that they may play like zeroes but weren’t going to leave one on the scoreboard. I’m just pointing out he’s back, healthy and deployable which is better than the Buccs who are backed up, filthy and deplorable.
Louis Murphy, Jr – This game might’ve featured an NFL high in Jr/Sr wideouts. Clearly that’s the take from all of this. Oh the other take? Don’t read too far into Murphy’s game today (7/72/1). Tampa played in 3 WR sets pretty much all game after going down so early. A repeat performance could require another 5 TD performance from the opposing quarterback and with the Vikings up next, I’d expect 5 TOs combined before I predict 5 TDs total for the game.
Julius Thomas – You really need me to tell you about this? Another week, another Orange Julius. Make my serving a double, bar tender who’s oddly serving Orange Juliuses. Julii? Whatever, another weekend, another 2 TD game. Meanwhile, Sanders still sitting out there wondering when his time will come. Might wanna give Peyton a chicken parm to get him on your good side.
Cam Newton – Got into OT for some numbers padding but actually outscored Flacco because you don’t get TD bonuses for hitting 3+ prior to halftime. This was vintage Cam with plenty of leg (17/107/1) to go with 284 and 2 passing TDs on the day as well as an INT. Somehow, the Bungles found a way to score 37 points at home and…tie. Honestly, who does that? When in doubt, blame a ginger and yup, that’s pretty much the reason: Dalton with 2 picks, one putting the Panthers in the red zone. Oddly, I’ve heard Andy calls a certain ‘other’ zone his red zone from some Bengals cheerleaders. That’s gross.
Mohamed Sanu – Did his best A.J. Green impersonation, going for 11 catches for 120 yards and a TD. Not that this should be anything close to news but opportunity is like 90% of this game. Who else was Dalton gonna throw to, Dane Sanzenbacher? Moving forward, Mohamed is a strong sell. Don’t hit the Sanu’ze button and miss your chance.
Tom Brady – We’ve upgraded our Brady from Peter to Tom over the last few weeks and the numbers prove it. This week, Brady went 27/37 for 361 passing yards, 4 TDs and zero picks. He’s looking to be a must start on Thursday against the Jets and a must hold if you picked him up for this week to play. And why would you have, exactly? That was ballsy and I commend you.
Brandon LaFell – Remember back when Brady was good but didn’t have that number one receiver and like every week, someone new would stand in and be the hero? Yeah, here’s your weekly hero. LaFell finished with 97 yards on 4 receptions and 2 TDs. Tune in on Thursday when that total dwindles down to 2 for 13 and a Bellichick scowl.
Rob Gronkowski – Still runs like he’s being held together by duck tape and fantasy football team dreams but had 7 receptions for 94 regardless. As goes Gronk, so goes Brady. If you’re worried about Rob breaking down, he’s already moving like the Tin Man. I wouldn’t call you a Cowardly Lion for cashing in, just realize he’s a top 25 talent when healthy. I have no reference for the Scarecrow here, move along.
Eddie Lacy – Key numbers here to note if you’re a Lacy believer: he still had 14 carries to Starks’ 8. Key numbers here to note if you’re a Lacy truther: 40 frickin yards. That’s what he did with those carries. Against a team that can be run on. Aaron Rodgers almost out-rushed him with half the carries at 7/34. Who’s throwing up after taking him in the top 5 this year, raise your hands? Ok, you can put your hands down to block the chunks from hitting your computer screen.
Ronnie Hillman – Outperformed probably every projection expected today, gaining 116 total yards (24/100 on the ground) against a strong Jets run defense. I’m sure whoever called Hillman will let you know. Go look at your Twitters if you don’t believe me. They’ll be twatting about it incessantly, no doubt. What, wordpress? Twatting isn’t a word? Oh well, too lazy to change it. I’ll admit Hillman looked good but I’m also gonna point out that Juwan Thompson went 8/38. Just in case, ya know, you want who the handcuff is AND who I believe in moving forward. Oh and it’s all down Hillman from here in my book.
Giovani Bernard – The Notorious Gio-B struck again with a huge game: 18 for 137 and a TD on the ground to go with 4/20 through the air. Might’ve had an even bigger game if Kuechly didn’t try and see if his shoulder would fit in the ground in the 4th. Jeremy Hill was a disappointing afterthought for most of the game, even when it looked like
Eric Decker – Went 6/54/1 to get his revenge…or whatever. I’m sure he was signaling ‘miss you, bae’ audibles to Peyton from the sidelines. He’s still the man in the Jets passing attack but Jace Amaro is second in command. That’s a reference point you sorely needed.
Theo Riddick – Gained 81 total yards and a TD as well as 5 receptions before exiting after re-aggravating his hammy issue. I’m not pointing Riddick out because I’m saying he’s a pick up, I’m simply showing team usage. Many assumed a big touch day from Joique Bell who did have a strong day on 20 touches (97 total yards and a TD). But never count on the Lions to NOT divvy up the backfield work. You have been learned.
Davante Adams – Dynasty leaguers probably already know he’s good. They’re like the Hipsters of the fantasy world. Hate you guys…eh, ok not really. But I will say this: He’s the third option and Miami’s defense is stout in the secondary so his 6/77 as Aaron went through his reads and found him isn’t that surprising. Talk to me next week if he does this again, that’ll get me intrigued.
Ben Tate – For those of you worried Ben was gonna lose his lead back role during injury: West was inactivated due to a depleted defense and Crowell fumbled three times (one lost). Tate finished the day with 22 carries and 75 yards to go with his 2 TDs while Crowell finished with a more flashy line of 11/77/1 with neither really involved in the passing game. If you still don’t believe, I strongly suggest you stop drinking the Taterade…or start to? I don’t know how to work with that portmanteau.
Jordan Cameron – He’s back after 3/102/1! I think…did he ever really leave? He’s not a top 3 TE so he’s gonna leave us from time to time. That’s why you spend up, draft upside late or stream. The in between world can be maddening.
Bishop Sankey – After many boring weeks, Sankey owners finally got what they wanted. *Loud/angry murmuring* They just wanted touches, right? *Louder/angrier murmuring ensues* Oh, y’all wanted him to be GOOD with those 19 touches and the 68 yards and zero touchdowns wasn’t enough *soft crying* There, there, Sankey owners. At least you can’t blame it on Whisenhunt any more. If you still feel like polishing your Bishop, I strongly advise you do it on your bench from now on and strongly suggest you try and make a trade to move him along.
Scott Chandler – Went for 6/105 as he yet again did damage against the Pats. It’s like clockwork only said clock goes to 16 and only has two things on it: 2 awesomes and 14 sucks. It’ll be suck o’clock next week and won’t reach awesome o’clock until week 17.
Teddy Bridgewater – Worked on bridging the gap between the starting position and Matt Cassel again, going 23/37, only 188 and threw three picks, zero touchdowns. The biggest takeaway from this game – besides the three takeaways Teddy gave up (oh, small burn) – was the carry splits. Namely, unless Matt Asiata got hurt, he’s finally looking to lose touches to the more talented back: Jerick McKinnon. Asiata finished with a miss tipped pass for an INT he should’ve caught and 3 total touches to Jerick’s 11 ground 6 rec touch game. We all knew it was coming, we just didn’t know when. Well now we know when to say when. Please purple drank responsibly.
Jarvis Landry – For those wondering where those Hartline targets will eventually go…look to the left and read what’s in bold. Landry finished with 6/75/1 filling in for Gibson who should be filling in for Hartline next week. I know, I know, it’s sad but it’s Brian’s song.
Antone Smith – Ho-hum, another week, another long TD play. This one was short by Antone standards with a 41 yard gallop. He’s the Eddie Royal of the RB world. Enjoy it, deep leaguers.
Malcom Floyd – Well, he hasn’t yet taken his obligatory 4 to 5 game absence yet so enjoy it while he’s here. Finished with 4/103 and a TD in a game where Rivers hit three different guys in the end zone and none of them were Ladarius Green *tears*. Ok, ok he went 4/60, dry those eyes. And why are you wearing mascara?
Branden Oliver – There was a lot of back and forth on this guy this week. He’s the next Darren Sproles, some said. He’s just a guy, others said. For me, I just thought the Chargers found a nice Woodhead replacement for the year and he exceeded my expectations, rushing for 101 on 26 carries to go with a TD as well as 4/23 through the air. I don’t think he’s the de facto lead back when Mathews comes back but I don’t think that matters. The Chargers will find a way to get Branden involved moving forward. If someone thinks they’re selling high, take it.
Andre Holmes – He was a guy I really liked coming into the year and then inexplicably he was buried on the depth chart to start the year. So yes, after I dropped him everywhere…sighs. Andre finished with 121 and 2 TDs from his 4 receptions after going for 5/74/1 week 4. If he’s not owned in your league, yes he is a pick up. Yes, he’s also a Raider. Yes, I know, these two things don’t normally go together.
DeSean Jackson – Back to back weeks with long bomb TD catches, this time for 64 yards. These are important things to note seeing as he only caught 3 passes on the day on 5 total targets. Make it two weeks in a row over 150 yards receiving for the ‘bad seed’ in the clubhouse. Might wanna ask a leaguemate if they want your bad seed for a top 15 wideout…eh, maybe word it better, though.
Jay Cutler – Smokin’ Jay – which is very similar, but not the same to our Smokin Jay – lit one up after this game, finishing with 381 passing yards, putting both Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey over 100 yards receiving on the day. Oh yeah, and Matt Forte is doing his best to live up to my top back for the year accolades I showered in small twitter doses this off-season, going for over 150 total yards, 2 TDs and catching 10 balls. Well, at least ONE team showed up for this game…
Matt Ryan – In the game with the largest O/U, of course it goes U – WELL U – and Ryan throws only one TD pass. Gonna see a few team names changed to ‘Matt Cryin’ today, I can feel it. Or just mine. Yeah, prolly just mine.
Carson Palmer – Was a surprise start Sunday morning and was surprisingly good for a guy throwing at ‘80%’ on Friday. He finished with 250 yards and TDs to two receivers that were drafted in the top 100. Yes, the Cards have those. You must’ve forgotten about them because of Logan Thomas and Drew Stanton. If you’re the guy who drafted Stafford, here’s a worthy pickup until Megatron comes back.
DeMarco Murray – You, yes you. The one that asked if you should start Shane Vereen over DeMarco Murray because, and I quote ‘you know cuz the SEA DEF is like tough at home and no one runs well on them and like I know Vereen hasn’t been that good lately but like I just don’t trust the Cowboys to score, you know? LOL!’ I said Murray, you probably started Vereen. Sorry for the assumption, but anyone who LOLs at the end of every conversation I assume is dumber than Gronk in Aruba. BTW, Murray’s 100+ on the ground now ties him with some guy named Jim Brown. Who knows who that is. Must’ve been prior to proper football helmets or something. But I ain’t done talking here. Here’s the real news: 159. No, that’s not a flight number, that’s the amount of carries DeMarco has on his shoulders so far this year. That puts him on pace for 416 carries on the year. Notice I said carries, not touches. I can’t promise you that selling him now is the best move. This could be the year he plays out 16 games, carries the ball a poop ton and is a fantasy monster before having a down year in 2015. All I can say is for a guy that runs the way he does and his history, I’d be worried about riding him into my playoffs.
Percy Harvin – Had 3 receptions for zero yards. That’s hard to do. No, it’s not fantasy helpful but seriously, shouldn’t you get some kind of scoring bonus for such an anomaly? Oh and as talented as Harvin is, the offense he’s on does not make him a primary play most weeks. Sorry this is late news to you but I wasn’t a buyer, I was busy drafting Maclin. *Brushes dust off shoulder like douchey rapper, realizes it’s dandruff, goes to buy some Head & Shoulders*
Russell Wilson – Someone said that RW3 was better than Andrew Luck on twitter. I literally LOL’ed. It was awkward, I was in a meeting. Prolly shouldn’t be reading my twitter feed during that time. Oh well, there’s always unemployment benefits. But where was I…oh yeah, shizz happens. Good players have bad games, deal with it. I think the biggest takeaway from this game would be: we’ve vastly underrated the Cowboys from the start of preseason and this includes their defense. I’m not gonna be putting a target on them for streaming any time soon.
Jordan Reed – Stop me if you’ve heard this before. I just dropped all of my shares of…yeah, Reed is great but he’ll be needing a walking chair in two weeks. If you picked him up for his 8/92, good on you. If you are now shopping your other TE because of what you now have STOP CEASE DESIST. His medical file is thicker than Burt Reynolds’ luscious chest hair and I hear Loni Anderson’s career got lost in it and never found it’s way out. That’s thick! All this to say, enjoy it while yee can and may.
Victor Cruz – Crumpled in the back of the end zone with a non-contact injury…yeah, that never ends well. Word as of this typing is a torn patellar tendon. Sad days to type about, never like to see these kinds of injuries. Cruz is done for 2014 and you gotta hope he’s up and ready for 2015.
Eli Manning – Eli looks really good when he has an athletic RB that can catch in the backfield and an o-line that can block what’s coming at them. He had neither tonight. Overall, forgettable evening for the NYGs and for all the DFS teams that had him. BTW, could you spare a buck? I seem to be 11K short of my mortgage this month. No go? Ok, no biggie, there’s always next week…
LeSean McCoy – Surpassed 100 rushing yards and then some: 22 carries for 149 yards. This was like a 40 Year Old Virgin moment minus the icky that needs cleanup afterwards…maybe I’m assuming too much here considering the audience. As the Eagles o-line gets healthier, so will McCoy’s end lines. This is shaping up not to be the Eagles offense from last year but it’s still potent. Buying bits and pieces would be keen right now.
Darren Sproles – Despite the nice fantasy day, there’s concern Sproles done broke himself. Word on the twitter street is a sprained something ‘CL’. MCL? Probably. ACL? Possibly. ACL? Not so much. In the end, given the age and the style of play, there’s plenty to be concerned with here.
Andre Williams – Looked like what I expected: an RB who runs north to south well…and doesn’t do much else. Maybe over time he’ll impress but for now, I’d see him as a straight ahead plunger at the goal line that will hurt both his and Rashad’s upside. Thanks New York!
