Can Romonobyl Happen if Romo Isn’t in the Game?

In what was a interesting-because-it-was-close-but-sorta-kinda-boring-anyways Sunday Night Football game, Dallas once again proved that they are two different teams depending on which half it is. It’s almost as if they are preserving the long-held tradition of Romonobyl. An homage, if you will. While the Saints are hanging on to dear life and Brees’ busted shoulder with an 1-3 record, they’d be hard pressed to catch up with the surging Falcons and Panthers as the season progresses. I’m actually still bewildered by the fact that NFC South teams are actually capable of surging. That being said, the Cowboys find themselves in the untenable position of having everything needed to dominate a weak NFC East, but having those things injured for more than half the season (including Lance Dunbar tearing his ACL last night). The Giants were gifted a win against Buffalo, who had 17 penalties, and the Eagles were beaten unresoundingly by Washington. These teams are not good at all, and hilariously any one of them can take the division. But like the Cowboys, none of them seem to want it. Almost like some kind of derpy game of hot potato. Now that I think about it, this is actually peak NFC East. Carry on…

Here’s what else I saw in Week 4:

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Matt Asiata – 1 CAR, 3 YDS. Why is Asiata still a thing? I used up all my cheese and Animal Farm jokes last season…

Giovani Bernard – 13 CAR, 62 YDS, 1 TD. That’s right Gio. Continue to siphon points from Jeremy Hill (9 CAR, 40 YDS, 3 TD) you f*cking fantasy vampire.

Blake Bortles – 28/50, 298 YDS, 1 TD and 4 CAR, 31 YDS. Nothing quite like watching two titans of the sport duke it out… Blake Bortles versus Matt Hasselbeck (30/47, 282 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, 1 YDS). Astounding. It was like they were trying to create a new level of hell…

Sam Bradford – 15/28, 270 YDS, 3 TD and 1 CAR, 14 YDS. I’ve been thinking about this, and I don’t think it’s that Bradford doesn’t fit in Chip Kelly’s system. I think it’s that he doesn’t fit in football. Granted, the three touchdowns are nice, but he continues to struggle making quick reads, and his offensive line and receivers are something terrible. It’s certainly not all his fault, but he’s far from being what everyone expected going into the season. A run game would help… haha, nevermind.

Teddy Bridgewater – 27/41, 269 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, 23 YDS, 1 FUM. Spent most of the day trying to master the “spin away from defender only to get sat on by Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware” move. Let’s just say he mastered it quite well.

Jaron Brown – 1 REC, 20 YDS. Jaron Brown has to be the Cardinals’ number one receiver in dropped passes at important times. You ever wonder if Carson Palmer, after all those CTE’s, confuses him with John Brown (7 REC, 75 YDS)? It would explain a lot.

Riley Cooper – 2 REC, 72 YDS, 1 TD. It figures Riley Cooper would excel in a stadium dedicated to a racial epithet.

Kirk Cousins – 31/46, 290 YDS, 1 TD and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Cousins was 31-for-46? What in the actual f*ck?

Michael Crabtree – 5 REC, 80 YDS. THIS BEARS DEFENSE, I CALL IT JULIAN ASSANGE BECAUSE IT’S FULL OF LEAKS. Told you these Grudenisms would get danker.

Andy Dalton – 17/24, 321 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, 16 YDS. This happy, competent, and confident Andy Dalton is weird and confusing to me. I don’t understand it, and I won’t respond to it.

Stefon Diggs – 6 REC, 87 YDS. Broncos: “Who is this Diggs guy?” Vikings: “(Shrugs.) Damned if I know.”

Lance Dunbar – 3 CAR, 54 YDS. Dance Lumbar. Rance Dunbal. Ancel Unbard. Lanbar Dunce. I can’t choose a favorite and love them all equally. Tore his ACL or MCL last night, we’ll know which one later today, but the Cowboys’ curse continues to wreak havoc. At this stage, stigmata seems very likely.

Mike Evans – 3 REC, 32 YDS. Can Mike Evans just move under center and start throwing himself the ball? For f*ck’s sake…

Ryan Fitzpatrick – 16/29, 218 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 9 CAR, 34 YDS. Jets keep going with the rarely seen prevent offense AND prevent defense. Seems to be working, but man is it boring to watch. What happened to the Jets I used to love?

Devonta Freeman – 14 CAR, 68 YDS, 3 TD and 5 REC, 81 YDS. Teams might want to practice this new “tackling” concept the NFL has introduced… Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on with Freeman. It’s clear he’s a RB2 at this point and a must start, but I can’t even begin to tell you how long this will last. His first two games, he had a YPC under 2.0 and a total of 22 carries for 43 yards, including a pretty mediocre rookie campaign last year. Those two games were against the Eagles and Giants, pretty good rush defenses thus far, so the Falcons game aginst Washington in Week 5 should tell us a lot more of where he’s at, as their defense against the run has been pretty underrated thus far.

Nick Foles – 16/24, 171 YDS, 3 TD and 1 CAR, -1 YDS.Has he passed Kaepernick as the third best quarterback in the NFC West yet? Because he totally managed the sh*t out of game against the Cardinals.

Arian Foster – 8 CAR, 10 YDS, 1 FUM and 3 REC, 25 YDS. So Houston’s kind of terrible these days, eh? Foster’s first game back since dealing with his yearly “ef your team I’m going to get hurt” injury, he looked a bit, restricted. With a short turn-around coming up for Week 5’s Thursday night game against the Colts, I’d expect a little higher snap count, but it’s apparently they want to bring him back slowly.

Pierre Garçon – 7 REC, 55 YDS, 1 TD. Garçon dedicated that TD reception to the child he can no longer remember the name of or recognize.

Frank Gore – 17 CAR, 53 YDS and 5 REC, 34 YDS. Frank Gore sure seems to be making Indianapolis long for the days of Trent Richardson.

Todd Gurley – 19 CAR, 146 YDS and 2 REC, 15 YDS. This guy just might have what it takes to play the game of football.

Ronnie Hillman – 11 CAR, 103 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 5 YDS. I really do love the idea of Ronnie Hillman being the solution to the Broncos’ run game, because fast running backs are awesome to watch. However, having drafted C.J. Anderson (11 CAR, 43 YDS and 1 REC, 27 YDS) in some leagues, I hate this idea.

Brian Hoyer – 17/30, 232 YDS, 2 TD. Anyone in 3-QB leagues who started Hoyer? Today’s your day my friend… And if this means DeAndre Hopkins (9 REC, 157 YDS) can start doing things related to football activities, then by all means, bring back the Hoyer Country.

Allen Hurns – 11 REC, 116 YDS, 1 TD. More like Allen Burns, amiright folks?

Chris Ivory – 29 CAR, 166 YDS, 1 TD. Letting Ivory do this was literally the most Dolphins thing I’ve ever seen.

Vincent Jackson – 10 REC, 147 YDS, 1 TD. Man, can you imagine how good Vincent Jackson would have been all these seasons if Tampa Bay had something other than a potted plant playing quarterback?

Chris Johnson – 16 CAR, 83 YDS and 3 REC, 11 YDS. Johnson has been a capable starter for us two weeks so far. Anything more than that is a blessing and we should never expect any more than that.

Duke Johnson Jr. – 8 CAR, 31 YDS and 9 REC, 85 YDS, 1 TD. Not sure where Johnson came from (but Smokey sure did!), and this could have easily been a case of San Diego getting coached to play down to Cleveland’s level, which I’ve seen time and time again in both the McCoy and Norv era’s. But I did like the pass-catching ability and speed. In PPR leagues, I think he’s depth you should own, and something to think about in standard leagues.

Matt Jones – 7 CAR, 11 YDS. Matt Jones looked more like Barnaby Jones. Alfred Morris (17 CAR, 62 YDS and 2 REC, 3 YDS) got the majority of carries, and the split will continue. Keep in mind too, that the Eagles run defense is pretty good so far, so don’t get too discouraged if you own either.

Colin Kaepernick – 13/25, 160 YDS, 1 INT and 10 CAR, 57 YDS. Jesus, this season just needs to end for them at this point. At this point, a 49ers game ticket is the cheapest rent in the San Francisco area.

Jarvis Landry – 4 REC, 40 YDS and 2 CAR, 29 YDS. Of course the Dolphins don’t do well in London… you try swimming over there.

Peyton Manning – 17/27, 213 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, -2 YDS. So the first thing Manning does after he retires is ousting Papa John from the company, right? I’m just bringing this up because this is going to happen sooner than later. It’s the first season where Manning is a huge liability for his team, and I just don’t see how he’d come back and do it again.

Brandon Marshall – 7 REC, 128 YDS. Marshall just needed some Blood Sugar Fitz Magik.

Lamar Miller – 7 CAR, 26 YDS and 1 REC, 10 YDS. “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” Lamar Miller.

Donte Moncrief – 6 REC, 75 YDS. More like Donte Monqueef, amiright? Alright, alright, he wasn’t terrible, and not having Luck is a huge blow, and with him doubtful for Thursday night’s game against Houston, you might have better options on your roster.

DeMarco Murray – 8 CAR, 36 YDS and 2 REC, 12 YDS. Murray just doubled his numbers for the season. So that’s nice.

Carson Palmer – 29/46, 352 YDS, 1 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Is “being the 49ers” contagious and did Carson Palmer and the Cardinals catch a case of it last week?

Cordarrelle Patterson – 1 REC, 9 YDS. Cordarrelle Patterson is still on the team? Holy sh*t.

Adrian Peterson – 16 CAR, 81 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 13 YDS. Unfortunately for the Broncos (and the Vikings), no one’s surprised anymore when Peterson tries to switch it up.

Jordan Reed – 5 REC, 37 YDS, 1 FUM. Fact: You need a reed to play the saxophone. Fact: You don’t need a Reed to get a win.

Philip Rivers – 23/38, 258 YDS, 3 TD and 1 CAR, -1 YDS. Is there a difference between losing to the Browns and winning a close game against the Browns? Both taste like failure to me.

Allen Robinson – 4 REC, 80 YDS. Blake Bortles Bomb Burns Backs Badly!

Torrey Smith – 2 REC, 54 YDS. Torrey Smith cut his dreads? I only ask because there isn’t really anything else relavant to talk about in reference to Smith or the 49ers.

Willie Snead – 6 REC, 89 YDS. Gesundheit.

C.J. Spiller – 2 CAR, 10 YDS and 5 REC, 99 YDS, 1 TD. Spiller isn’t dead? Who knew… I know it’s been a rough time owning him so far, and I recommended dropping him in the past for certain cases, basically if there was a player out there with a little bit more upside, but his snap count has been slowly increasing. I think he’s still a great player to have on your bench in PPR leagues, but in standard leagues, it becomes a little bit more negotiable.

Zac Stacy – 5 CAR, 7 YDS and 2 REC, 18 YDS. Zac Stacy appearance! Get me that .08 of a point, Zac!

Jonathan Stewart – 10 CAR, 50 YDS. Holy mother of Benny Hill, Stewart…

Ryan Tannehill – 19/44, 198 YDS, 2 TD, 2 INT and 1 CAR, 4 YDS. Watching Tannehill throw is like the opposite of looking at the Sistine Chapel ceiling. I wouldn’t be surprised if Philbin made a plea for refugee status from the Brits at this point.

Chris Thompson – 6 CAR, 53 YDS and 2 REC, 24 YDS. Chris Thompson making a name for himself, and that name is: Chris Thompson.

Roddy White – 2 REC, 8 YDS. Atlanta Falcons: 48 points. Roddy White: 0.80 points. Are you kidding me?

Brandon Weeden – 16/26, 246 YDS, 1 TD and 3 CAR, 5 YDS. Weeden spent most of the night looking like the Cowboys version of Drew Bledsoe in the pocket: stand perfectly still until you get sacked. He did look good at times last night, but you have to wonder if having to quarterback for the Browns has forever tainted him. I mean, maybe it’s like a Scarlet Letter with a brown “B” and you’re marked forever…

Danny Woodhead – 8 CAR, 54 YDS and 4 REC, 84 YDS. Woodhead was always my favorite character to play in MarioKart.

T.J. Yeldon – 22 CAR, 105 YDS and 2 REC, 4 YDS. While this game had all the enthusiasm and pulse-pounding excitement of 1970’s era Masterpiece Theater, I continue to be impressed with Yeldon’s play.

 

Final Thought