In what could have been a wonderful work of satire in today’s title, last night’s Sunday excursion into Minnesota’s new football stadium may have upended years of programming in thinking that Sam Bradford (22/31, 286 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 2 TD, 121.2 RTG and 1 CAR, -3 YDS) isn’t quite the second coming of Joe Montana, but moreso a cross between Mr. Glass from Unbreakable and Jimmy Clausen. Yeah, an M. Night Shyamalan reference, deal with it. One game won’t change my expertly crafted comparisons, but after beating a team that has basically controlled the division for the last decade, and doing it mostly without Adrian Peterson who did essentially nothing until finally resigning to get injured and leave the game, should say something. I mean, Matt Asiata got more in his first carry this game than Peterson has ran the entire year… And so when we are in the second week of the season, saying that the Vikings front office was onto something by mortgaging a part of their future in a desperate attempt to replace Teddy Bridgewater may be a step too far as of now (since if you whisper “Sam Bradford” into a mirror three times, one of his ACLs will explode.), it is an encouraging start. And before you think that Bradford may not be the lede you were looking for, I think the meta conversation here is that forming conclusions and finding confirmation bias from two weeks of football is probably not wise. And that’s something that should probably be discussed. It matters in the general football sense if you’re, say, a Seahawks fan, but it also matters in fantasy football if you’re, say,  a Todd Gurley owner. When is the right time to panic? To make a move? We’ve only seen about 12% of the season thus far, and to make a baseball reference, that’s game 20. Making waiver moves, exploring trades, probing at what you can do is always a good thing, but my advice here (since I’ve seen a lot of inquiries on this) is to hold for the moment. Or, at the very least, do not sell yourself short. Just wait a bit longer before chugging down the bourbon and gaslighting yourself… one more week, maybe two, before you make any major decisions, and I promise you’ll have a clearer picture and still have enough time left to do something about it.
Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 2 Sunday games…
Ameer Abdullah – 6 CAR, 38 YDS, 6.3 AVG. Ameer Abdullah hurt his foot at the end of a 24-yard run in the second quarter. He almost immediately went to the locker room and was eventually ruled out of the game… Ugh, the Lions loinsing always looks so Lionsly Loinsy, ya know what I’m saying? I know you do.
Travis Benjamin – 6 REC, 115 YDS, 19.2 AVG, 2 TD. We’re jammin’, jammin’, And I hope you like Travis Touchdownjammin’, too.
LeGarrette Blount – 29 CAR, 123 YDS. 4.2 AVG, 1 TD. That’s what I get for playing a New England Patriots player in fantasy despite my better principles. Excuse me while I go take a shower.
Blake Bortles – 31/50, 329 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 77.8 RTG and 3 CAR, 34 YDS. We secretly replaced the Chargers secondary with the Legion of Boom in their prime! Let’s see if Blake Bortles ever noticed… Yep. He noticed.
Drew Brees – 29/44, 263 YDS, 6.0 AVG, 1 TD, 89.5 RTG. While watching the game, one prominent question kept occupying the valuable real estate market in my head (bullish market, I tell ya!), and that was: Who was going to get their sh*t together first in this game? Drew Brees and the Saints offense… or Drew Brees and the Saints offense? Asking all the right questions here, but not an answer to be found. Much like my life. MUTHA. F*CKING. DEEP.
Jacoby Brissett – 6/9, 92 YDS, 10.2 AVG, 100.2 RTG and 4 CAR, 12 YDS. Welcome to the National Football League, guy who had a bad senior year at North Carolina State! Prepare to hear some racist things if you have growing pains!
Dez Bryant – 7 REC, 102 YDS, 14.6 AVG. Football: Bryant is good at it. Cole Beasley (5 REC, 75 YDS, 15.0 AVG)? Ehhh. Let’s see how the Dak-attack does in Week 3…
Victor Cruz – 4 REC, 91 YDS, 22.8 AVG. Victor Cruz is treats me like my ex used to; He lets me down all the time, but every now and then does something that makes me think he cares.
Kirk Cousins – 28/46, 364 YDS, 7.9 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 84.0 RTG. Quiz time folks! What is a Cousinsception? A) An interception thrown by Washington’s quarterback Kirk Cousins?, or B) Something that occurs often in the deep South and that’s illegal in some states?
Isaiah Crowell – 18 CAR, 133 YDS, 7.4 AVG, 1 TD and 1 REC, 15 YDS. I was surprised that Crowell could actually do something like this (Note: Highlight has sound.), but apparently the Ravens didn’t even notice he was actually a player in the game.
Vernon Davis – 5 REC, 51 YDS, 10.2 AVG. Wait a minute here, Vernon Davis is still alive? “Life finds a way…” – Jeff Goldblum. Oh, thanks for clearing that up Jeff.
Stefon Diggs – 9 REC, 182 YDS, 20.2 AVG, 1 TD. Listen Sam, you keep throwing it to Diggs. Over and over again. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Larry Fitzgerald – 6 REC, 81 YDS, 13.5 AVG, 1 TD. Fitzgerald destroying Tampa Bay’s secondary would seem more meaningful if they weren’t from the NFC South.
Arian Foster – 3 CAR, 9 YDS, 3.0 AVG. Goddamn it Foster! He did not return to Sunday’s game after suffering a groin injury in the second quarter. But hey, at least it’s not season ending… yet. (That’s probably still a few weeks away.)
Blaine Gabbert – 17/36, 243 YDS, 6.8 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 64.9 RTG and 3 CAR, 10 YDS, 1 TD. There does not exist a reality where Blaine Gabbert should be starting over Colin Kaepernick. So, the natural following question would be: Who are they going to bring in next to be “not Colin Kaepernick”?
Jimmy Garoppolo – 18/27, 234 YDS, 8.7 AVG, 3 TD, 130.8 RTG. Garoppolo had his throwing shoulder smashed into the ground after taking a big hit from Kiko Alonso in the second quarter. It looks to be a sprained AC joint and he’s day-to-day at the moment. (I’d think it’s more week-to-week and the Texans start is a real question mark.) News Flash: New England has just signed free agent quarterback Bom Trady to two-week deal! The one highlight of Garoppolo getting injured will be Belichick getting pressed by some salty reporters throughout the week. Regardless, I think we all know how this quarterback situation will play out: 1. The Patriots will sign Johnny Manziel. 2. Manziel will win the next two games, throwing a total of 14 TD passes. 3. Brady will return from his suspension, the Pats will then trade Manziel to Dallas and Jerry Jones for five first rounders and two seventh rounders. 4. Manziel will never throw another touchdown ever again and those two seventh rounders will be perennial pro-bowlers. Mark it down folks.
Frank Gore – 13 CAR, 44 YDS, 3.4 AVG and 3 REC, 19 YDS, 6.3 AVG, 1 TD. Frank Gore is 234 years old. But hey, that’s only 1,638 in dog years!
Jimmy Graham – 3 REC, 42 YDS, 14.0 AVG. The Ciara offense everybody!
DeAngelo Williams – 32 CAR, 94 YDS, 2.9 AVG and 4 REC, 38 YDS, 9.5 AVG, 1 TD. Can’t believe Williams still plays, let alone starts.
Jeremy Hill (11 CAR, 22 YDS, 2.0 AVG and 3 REC, 37 YDS, 12.3 AVG) and Giovani Bernard (5 CAR, 17 YDS, 3.4 AVG, 1 FUM and 9 REC, 100 YDS, 11.1 AVG, 1 TD) – Cincinnati has two starting running backs on their team but unfortunately, both of them suck at the same time, or one sucks and the other does well… never can both have a good game at the same, those are, like, the only possible combinations, and the first one happens more than naught. I feel like this fantasy situation is basically Russian roulette, but with five cylinders in the chamber loaded.
Allen Hurns – 5 REC, 64 YDS, 12.8 AVG. Pretty much everything about the Jags is tragic at this point.
Mark Ingram – 9 CAR, 30 YDS, 3.3 AVG and 4 REC, 17 YDS, 4.3 AVG. If you told me it was 13-16 in that Saints-Giants game, I would have asked “Okay, but where are all the other numbers at?”
DeSean Jackson – 3 REC, 40 YDS, 13.3 AVG. Cousins missed a few big plays by overthrowing Jackson. I mean, how do you actually overthrow Jackson? Putting too much arm on a throw to D-Jax is like giving Remy Lacroix too much d*ck.
Jesse James – 3 REC, 29 YDS, 9.7 AVG, 1 TD. As we all know, Big Ben (allegedly) likes tight ends.
Andre Johnson – 1 REC, 9 YDS, 1 TD. Andre Johnson is still alive. It has been confirmed, all search parties can be called back. Good work everyone.
Case Keenum – 18/30, 239 YDS, 8.0 AVG, 85.3 RTG and 3 CAR, 5 YDS. Keenum led the Rams offense to nine points yesterday, triggering an escalator clause in his contract. Good for him! Also, I have some movie titles that star Keenum… yes, I think about these things, why you askin’? How about Case Worker Keenum: Adventures in Social Work? OR, or… Case Keenum: The Case of the Mysterious Loss of Nine Yards?
Eddie Lacy – 12 CAR, 50 YDS, 4.2 AVG. Meanwhile, Lacy has apparently completed his transformation into Trent Richardson.
Eli Manning – 32/41, 368 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 104.1 RTG and 4 CAR, -4 YDS. Jesus Eli, the Saints secondary is made of greek yogurt and old Compaq computers. How did this even happen? I mean, the playbook must have been full of Eli’s crayon drawings or something.
Josh McCown – 20/33, 260 YDS, 7.9 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 80.4 RTG and 2 CAR, 0 YDS. The Cody Kessler epoch begins in Cleveland… or not. I have no idea where they go from here. Open all alcoholic beverages no matter what happens!
Cam Newton – 24/40, 353 YDS, 8.8 AVG, 4 TD, 1 INT and 111.8 RTG and 6 CAR, 37 YDS, 6.2 AVG. Looks like Newton was off to go take care of his side job: selling cough tonic door-to-door.
Brock Osweiler – 19/33, 268 YDS, 8.1 AVG, 1 TD, 2 INT, 68.8 RTG and 2 CAR, -3 YDS. I called him Brock Lobster in Week 1 (too easy, granted), but he has now upgraded to Brock LOLster. Keep proving Elway right, that’s exactly what we want man… TOTALLY.
Niles Paul – 1 REC, 16 YDS. De Niles Paul ain’t just a river in Egypt…
Adrian Peterson – 12 CAR, 19 YDS, 1.6 AVG and 2 REC, 7 YDS, 3.5 AVG. Peterson hopped off the field without putting any weight on his right leg before being helped to the locker room. Replays showed it was a right-ankle injury and he’s currently day-to-day. Man, tough break… I wouldn’t want to be one of Peterson’s kids today. No, actually, I’m sorry. That’s in poor taste. He’d never see them on a weekday.
Dak Prescott – 22/30, 292 YDS, 9.7 AVG, 103.8 RTG and 1 CAR, 6 YDS. Dak Dak bo bak banana-nana fo fack, me mi mo mak, Dak! Things I imagine “Dak” is short for:Â Dakstrom, Daklexander, Dakmonius-Strobonius, Dakstimous, Daktometer, Daxtrointerologist….
Philip Rivers – 17/24, 220 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 4 TD, 138.9 RTG and 1 CAR, 10 YDS, 1 FUM. Good to see the Old Testament God is back in his life.
Allen Robinson – 3 REC, 54 YDS, 18.0 AVG. Well, Allen Robinson sure has been a fine return on my draft dollar. Thanks Obama!
Ben Roethlisberger – 19/37, 259 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 3 TD, 2 INT, 78.5 RTG and 1 CAR, 14 YDS. A well deserved Choco Taco for Ben last night. And yes, that was a euphemism. I think. Maybe. I’m sure it was.
Eli Rogers – 1 REC, 9 YDS. Pittsburgh. Cincinnati. In the rain. In the dark. Someday we all fade to black. The End.
Trevor Siemian – 22/33, 266 YDS, 8.1 AVG, 1 INT, 78.6 RTG and 1 CAR, 7 YDS. I think the rest of the offense will soon rise as one and kill Trevor Siemian. Figuratively of course. Well, I can’t speak for Demaryius Thomas (5 REC, 90 YDS, 18.0 AVG), but I’d assume he’s safe for one more week…
Matthew Stafford – 22/40, 260 YDS, 6.5 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 72.9 RTG and 2 CAR, 31 YDS. Matthew Stafford ran for a 24-yard gain, proving that Matthew Stafford can, in fact, run for 24 straight yards.
Ryan Tannehill – 32/45, 389 YDS, 8.6 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 93.7 RTG and 6 CAR, 35 YDS. What a strange team. They stay within striking of distance against a Super Bowl contending team last week and you think, well sure, maybe they’ve changed a bit. And then the Patriots come in and knock them around the entire game, only letting it get close when a third-string quarterback has to take over, and we’re back to the LOLphins. It’s like every season now they start out with tempered, but achievable expectations, show some glimmer of potential, then they are immediately get exposed as a joke of a team that they probably really are.
Russell Wilson – 22/35, 254 YDS, 7.3 AVG, 84.7 RTG and 5 CAR, 14 YDS. Is the Rams defense good, or does the Seahawks offense just suck? I believe the answer is: Yes.
Jameis Winston – 27/52, 243 YDS, 4.7 AVG, 1 TD, 4 INT, 39.2 RTG and 3 CAR, 9 YDS, 1 FUM. The Cardinals defense was beating up on Jameis Winston pretty much the entire game yesterday. I’d suggest some feminists send them some cookies but I don’t want to be trying to control the tone of the conversation.
Danny Woodhead – 3 CAR, 27 YDS, 9.0 AVG and 1 REC, 4 YDS. He hurt his right knee at the end of a short reception in the first quarter of yesterday’s game and is considered to be a very serious injury at the moment, and his season is in jeopardy most likely… Maaaan, losing Woodhead AND Allen for the season… at this point, just burn the place down and ship the ashes to Los Angeles.
T.J. Yeldon – 7 CAR, 28 YDS, 4.0 AVG and 8 REC, 10 YDS, 1.3 AVG. The Jaguars: Still not good. Yeldon representing that statement as a truth pretty well here I have to say.
Other Injury Updates: Doug Martin suffered a hamstring injury early in the second quarter on a 1-yard run against the Cardinals. He’s day-to-day. Thomas Rawls injured his leg in the second quarter against the Rams and did not return. Pete Carroll said he was kicked in the leg and it’s considered a “contusion”. He’s day-to-day. Donte Moncrief took a shot to the head from Broncos safety T.J. Ward as he stretched for a pass toward the end of the first quarter. The team diagnosed him with a head/neck injury. He’s day-to-day. Jonathan Stewart entered Week 2 on the injury report because of an ankle injury, and he hurt his hamstring early in Sunday’s contest against the 49ers. He missed the remainder of the game and is day-to-day. He’s day-to-day for now. Doug Baldwin tweaked his knee in the second quarter on Sunday when he was blocking with his back to the line of scrimmage and got his leg rolled up on from behind. He’ll be getting an MRI later today.
Final Thought
Pete Carroll looks like he just found out that jet fuel doesn’t have the ability to melt steel beams, but soften them just enough to weaken its structural integrity.
