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So you know how I spend every Sunday morning hiding in the bushes outsideĀ Darren Waller’sĀ bathroom just trying to sneak a peek? Well this week I saw something I shouldn’t have while lurking in the bushes. Jets head coach Adam Gase was having a secret meeting with Waller. I zipped up my pants and snuck closer to find out what they were saying. I heard Gase whisper, “We really need to lose for Lawrence today. Can you help us, Darren?” So I wasn’t at all surprised when Darren Waller exploded with 13 catches for 200 yards and his 6th and 7th touchdowns as the Jets narrowly maintained their winless pace and solidified their stranglehold on the number one overall pick. Waller is quickly closing the once massive Kelce gap.Ā Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last December when I released my top 25 and top 50 dynasty rankings for 2020, there were three rankings for which I was mocked most: Kerryon Johnson (way too high at #18, they scoffed), Joe Mixon (way too low at #26, they cried) and Juju Smith-Schuster (way too low at #50, they howled). Two for three would make me the best baseball player in the history of baseball, but in the game of fantasy football dynasty rankings it won’t fly. Also, I missed terribly on a bunch of other rankings including Fournette, OBJ and Hollywood. So now I must be held accountable and take responsibility for ranking my cousin Kerryon Johnson way, way, way too high last year. No excuses! No blame! Even though the freshly-fired-incompetent-coach/GM-duo of Matt Patricia and Bob Quinn seem like pretty good scapegoats—was it really necessary to spend an early 2nd round pick on D’Andre Swift AND sign Adrian Peterson AND not use your talented 23 year old RB Kerryon Johnson at all? Ah right, no excuses. But the sun was in my eyes last year when I was writing my rankings. So this year I brought in a ringer to keep me in check: Pat Fitzmaurice. Pat is currently sitting at #1 (out of 160 experts) in this year’s FantasyPros’ Ranking Accuracy Competition, he also finished #2 (out of 162 experts) in FP’s Draft Ranking Accuracy Competition in 2019 and he holds the title of #1 most accurate draft ranker from 2017-2019. In short, the man is a fantasy football ranking sorcerer and he was kind enough to record a YouTube show with me discussing each of our top 10s—subscribe and give us a like if you don’t hate it.Ā  Anyway, here’s that show, followed by my top 10 dynasty rankings for 2021 fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s a tradition as old as wearing a facial covering while using the public crapper or washing your hands like an obsessive compulsive garbage man: Wednesday Afternoon Football! Since there’s no Thursday Night Football game for me to breakdown with my rankings this week, I’ve decided to nail two Ravens with one stone by recapping the Wednesday afternoon dumpster fire in this introduction for the week 13 rankings.Ā 

Maybe it was the week long uncertainty of whether this game would actually be played, maybe it was the fantasy football gods punishing us all for the NFL’s blind greed, maybe it’s because you put your Christmas lights up 3 weeks before Thanksgiving. Whatever the reason, this was the most boring Wednesday Afternoon Football game in the history of Wednesday Afternoon Football.

Only one Raven player produced positive fantasy results asĀ Marquise Brown (4 catches for 85 yards and his 3rd touchdown) posted the best game of his very disappointing season thanks to his 70 yard touchdown catch late in the 4th quarter. Maybe this kickstarts Hollywood with a much softer schedule on the horizon. The friendly schedule gives me cautious optimism on the entire Ravens offense, including Lamar Jackson,Ā J.K. DobbinsĀ andĀ Mark Andrews,Ā as they all return from the virus outbreak.

On the Steelers side, you could tell they came in expecting to sleepwalk their way to a win and, well, they pretty much did.Ā Juju Smith-SchusterĀ (8 catches for 37 yards and his 6th touchdown), or Shoo Shoo Schuster-Smeeth as they call him on NBC Espanol, was the only Steeler to find the end zone while the damage from their two other (more talented) receivers Diontae JohnsonĀ (8 catches for 46 yards) and Chase ClaypoolĀ (6 catches for 52 yards) was minimized.Ā Benny SnellĀ (16 carries for 60 yards, 3 catches for 33 yards), who I judiciously invested all my FAAB in after week 2, did show some flashes while filling in forĀ James ConnerĀ (COVID). Remember, Conner fell into the high COVID risk group as a cancer survivor (diabetic Mark Andrews fell into this category too); not sure if this will actually impact either of their recovery times or if they even experienced any symptoms, but Snell’s worth a roster spot regardless.Ā Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 13 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $5.99 for the rest of the season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re familiar with the backstory ofĀ Donkey KongĀ then you know that Mario is the villain of the series. Mario’s an abusive owner in the game and tries to keep Donkey Kong caged up. I always knew there was something off about that Mario dude. On Monday night, Darius Slay was cast in the role of Mario, attempting to lockdownĀ D.K. Metcalf. But the beast could not be contained, going off for 10 catches and 177 yards as he demolished Philly. D.K. didn’t find the end zone, but could easily have finished with three scores if it weren’t for a misfire from Russ, a tackle at the one yard line and a drop.Ā Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As the Titans team bus cruised from the Indy airport to the team hotel, Afroman’s Greatest Hits blared through the vehicle’s sound system.Ā Derrick HenryĀ was tucked in the back row nodding along, “Colt 45 and two Zig Zags, baby that’s all we need.” It was then that Henry set his goal of scoring 45 PPR fantasy points against the Indianapolis Colts in his week 12 matchup. The big man was well on his way in 2nd quarter when he punched in his third touchdown of the first half. But the Colt 45 wasn’t meant to be as Henry finished the day with only 27 carries for 178 yards, 2 catches for 7 yards and his 10th, 11th and 12 touchdowns. If onlyĀ Ryan TannehillĀ (13/22 for 221 yards, 2 carries for 3 yards, 1 passing touchdown and 1 rushing touchdown) hadn’t vultured that 4th touchdown, oh what might have been. Henry would be at the park after dark, smoking that tumbleweed. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As my Kerryon Johnson fathead and I prepared for our first Zoomsgiving on Thursday morning, I could feel the Excitement growing. Yes, I’ve named my dong “Excitement.” So I fired up AOL dialup connection to join the Razz-family Zoom call. Nothing could have prepared me for what I’d see on the other side of the screen once my 17 minute dial up was complete. The things Rudy Gamble, Pigskinonator and their Will Fuller fathead were doing would make Louis C.K. blush. A couple hours later ,Will FullerĀ came through again with a monstrous game against the Lions, catching 6 passes for 171 yards and his 7th and 8th touchdowns. The great PigskinonatorĀ foreshadowed all of this, of course, projecting Fuller as its #3 fantasy wide receiver for week 12 and projecting Deshaun WatsonĀ (17/25 for 318 yards, 8 carries for 24 yards and 4 touchdowns–he now has 24 touchdowns) as its #2 QB for the week. If you haven’t tasted the deliciousness of the Pig-bot yet, we’re still offering a free 3-day trial and then it’s only $5.99 for the final month of the season.Ā Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Ā Texans (-3) at Lions

Forecast:Ā Thanksgiving wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a crappy Lions team playing in the morning game and your drunk Uncle Arlo yelling about his all-time favorite Lions player, Whizzer White. This is a matchup of Belichick minions with Matt Patricia and Romeo Crennel facing off—think we know who has the advantage. In honor of the holiday, Patricia will dress up as a turkey. Little does the Lions’ coach know, Matthew Stafford has a debilitating fear of turkeys—meleagrisphobia, it’s a real thing. When Stafford sees the enormous bird gobbling away on his sideline, he’ll run for the locker-room and never look back. With Chase Daniel tagging in for their meleagrisphobic QB, Detroit won’t stand a chance against J.J. Watt and the hungry Texans. Texans 31, Lions 17

Wager:Ā  Texans -3 (4 Units)

2020 Season: 2-9 (-4.65 Units)Ā 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 12 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $5.99 for the rest of the season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re only into ground and pound games then read no further. There were a total of 79 rushing yards between both the Rams and Bucs on Monday night. There was even less runs than the time I stopped eating Chipotle for an entire year. But what this game lacked in rushing was made up for in the passing department as the teams combine for a total of 99 passing attempts. The Rams’ air attack ended up being the headline as Jared Goff went 39/51 for 376 yards, 3 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Cooper Kupp hauled in 11 of those passes for 145 yards, while Robert Woods snatched another 12 of them for 130 yards and his 7th touchdown. Both of these pass catchers are rock solid WR2 options, and Goff remains a nice streamer with a friendly playoff schedule on the horizon. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When Taysom HillĀ was a senior in high school he received all kinds of offers from big name college football programs, eventually committing to play for John Harbaugh at Stanford One night God came to Hill in a dream, “Taysom!” called God, “I can not permit you to play for that khaki wearing loser, John Harbaugh. Your calling is much higher. You’re needed for a two-year Mormon mission in Australia. But in exchange for your service, one day I will crack 11 of Drew Brees’s ribs giving you the chance to start in the NFL. Also, make sure you wash your hands and take your vitamins when 2020 rolls around.” And so Taysom, as a loyal servant to the lord, went to Australia to spread the good word. 12 years later God made good on his promise by crushing almost half of the ribs in Brees’s body. Hill took full advantage of the gift from above, goingĀ 18/23 for 233 yards passing while also taking 10 carries for 51 yards, 2 rushing touchdowns and a fumble lost. I know there’s a lot of hatred out in the fantasy world for Taysom Hill, but you’ll find me lining up on the other side of the debate. What can I say, I love mobile quarterbacks. Hill’s in a fantastic offense with a great coach as well as an elite wide receiver and running back which will make life a nightmare for opposing defenses. He should be rostered by someone (maybe not you) in all leagues for the immediate future, and I’d be buying Hill aggressively in dynasty leagues. He’s obviously the QB of the future in New Orleans.Ā Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Remember Jason Pierre-Paul’s infamous firework accident that resulted in a mangled hand, and eventually a club hand which he’d use to beat offensive linemen over the head? We came into Thursday night’s Cardinals at Seahawks game expecting all kinds of beautiful fantasy fireworks, but instead we were left with a limp disfigured hand. Hopefully we can transform this disappointment into our own club hand. It wasn’t all bad news though, as Carlos Hyde played it safe with bottle rockets and sparklers in his return from his hamstring injury. Hyde took 14 carries for 79 yards and 2 catches for 16 yards, adding in his 3rd touchdown. But don’t get too excited about playing Hyde the sausage with Carlos, odds are Chris CarsonĀ (foot) makes his return in week 12. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Arizona Cardinals (+3) at Seattle SeahawksĀ 

Forecast:Ā Kyler Murray. That’s it, that’s the forecast. What, you want more? Sorry, I’m a little distracted; I spent all day trying to figure out how to inject Kyler Murray highlights into my veins. Actually, I spent the first hour of the day trying to figure that out and then the next 10 hours in the emergency room. Turns out it’s “not safe” to insert an HDMI cable into your forearm. Psssh. The medical professionals recommend I continue to ingest my Kyler highlights thru the eye holes only. What do doctors know? I have big plans for rectal consumption of Thursday night’s game where Kyler will show off his culinary skills making Russell Wilson look like my Aunt Mildred who can’t even cook a frozen pizza. The Cardinals will come out of Thursday alone in first place in the NFC West, just another step toward that Lombardi Trophy I predicted Kyler would hoist back in the preseason. Cardinals 31, Seahawks 21Ā 

Wager:Ā  Cardinals ML +140 (1 Unit)

2020 Season: 2-8 (-3.65 Units)Ā 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 11 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $17.95 for the full season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Most who are educated on Viking lore are familiar with the legendary Lief Erikson, the first European to ever set foot on the North American continent. But generations before Lief raped and pillaged his way across the ocean, there was one even more historic Viking: Ragnar Thielen. You won’t read about Ragnar in any of those propagandized history books. He was the most peaceful of the Vikings. Instead of collecting skulls Ragnar spent his time knitting with the skin of pig. That’s right, old Ragnar Thielen created the first football back in the year 969. Fast forward 1,051 years and his great-greatX20-grandson Adam ThielenĀ showed how the pigskin runs in his veins as he snatched 4 catches for 43 yards and his 8th and 9th touchdowns. Viking lore aside, I’ve been saying since summer that Thielen is a first half player. In the last two seasons he’s caught only two touchdowns in 12 games after the first week in November. This could be the year he bucks the trend, but I’m not betting on it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?