We’re in this together!
I know, I’m asking a lot of you. After capping off the day of football with the Sunday Night Game, it soon dawned upon me how scary it is that this division will, at some point in time, produce, at the very most, one playoff team. It’s a scary thought, especially since it was manifested watching a Saints secondary that I should buy to use as a spaghetti strainer. Anything that allows the Cowboys to have consecutive competent drives is something this world isn’t ready for. And it wasn’t just this one game either. You had the Falcons collapse against a Vikings team that has lost it’s best player in Adrian Peterson, is starting a rookie quarterback in Teddy Bridgewater, and still believes Christian Ponder deserves a roster spot in the NFL. Ugh. And then you have the
Jacksonville Jaguars Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who, we don’t need to spend too much time on. Because Bucs are gonna Buc, amiright? And last, but certainly not least, (because, in a stunning turn of events, they are currently occupying first place in this travesty of a division), the Carolina Panthers. Who, apparently, didn’t take Steve Smith’s death threats seriously and proceeded to get maimed in Baltimore. Which is actually pretty common, now that I think of it. And yes, just to state for the record, their secondary collected a game check this week. That is all.
Packers – 38, Bears – 17
Eddie Lacy – 17 CAR, 48 YDS, 1 TD and 1 REC, 11 YDS. Eddie Lacy TD Alert! Hopefully now that he has a taste for blood, he’ll be unstoppable. Or something like that. He’s still getting a bulk of his yards after contact, which is a good sign, but Mike McCarthy is still a sh*tty playcaller, so that’s a bad sign. I’m still not too worried, but ask me again in a couple of weeks.
Jordy Nelson – 10 REC, 108 YDS, 2 TD. What did the commentators exactly mean when they said: “Rodgers and Nelson know each other inside and out.”? Hmmmm. There’s gotta be a better way to say that so the first thing that comes to mind isn’t penises.
Matt Forte – 23 CAR, 122 YDS and 5 REC, 49 YDS. Believe it or not, Forte could have had an even better day if Cutler didn’t do the wrong side of his Jekyll/Hyde routine. He’s now on pace for 260 CAR, 1,032 YDS and 96 REC, 776 YDS… with zero total touchdowns.
Martellus Bennett – 9 REC, 134 YDS. Continues to try and make this the year of Martellus. I believe there was a previous one during Roman times. Or maybe I’m just thinking of something from the movie Gladiator. Nope, I’m just making it all up.
Alshon Jeffery – 4 REC, 39 YDS, 1 TD. See Forte, Matt.
Brandon Marshall – 2 REC, 19 YDS, 1 TD. It didn’t look like his ankle was a major issue, despite missing practice for the entire week, but we should monitor how this week plays out with his status, as I’m unconvinced the Packers coverage could do this by themselves.
Bills – 17, Texans – 23
Andre Johnson – 6 REC, 71 YDS. Had an ankle injury that briefly sidelined him. He did come back into the game, but also mentioned that he heard a “pop”. The only time I ever want to hear a pop is if I’m eating Rice Krispies cereal, so consider my concern set to medium-rare.
C.J. Spiller – 15 CAR, 60 YDS and 3 REC, 24 YDS. I can’t figure out if he’s been more effective or less effective than Fred Jackson (7 CAR, 33 YDS and 6 REC, 52 YDS), but only because they are so good at seesawing thier production. From what I can tell, Spiller is getting a majority of the early-down work with Jackson getting a lot of goal line carries? Or do I have that backwards? Maybe it’s Jackson that’s been getting a bulk of the carries and Spiller is the change-of-pace guy? Or wait… ah f*ck it. They’re going against the Lions next week, so just forget they ever existed. Both of them.
Sammy Watkins – 4 REC, 20 YDS, 1 TD. He did get nine targets, but also had three drops. Rookie wide receiver gonna rookie.
Titans – 17, Colts – 41
Trent Richardson – 20 CAR, 47 YDS, 1 TD and 4 REC, 52 YDS. ALERT, ALERT. NOW HAS OVER 2.0 YPC! NOW HAS OVER 2.0 YPC! With, um, 2.4 YPC… so yeah. That’s an… improvement, I guess?
Ahmad Bradshaw – 9 CAR, 32 YDS and 2 REC, 20 YDS, 1 TD. My chosen one (you shut your mouth about Ryan Mathews) had a walking boot on after the game. Seeing as how he’s had feet and ankle issues in the past, I’m pretty sure it’s actually the charger for his synthetic legs.
Reggie Wayne – 7 REC, 119 YDS, 1 TD. Is now on pace for a 1,000 YDS season with 92 catches. Not bad for being a zombie.
Delanie Walker – 5 REC, 84 YDS, 1 TD. Seems to be the only good thing on a team that continues to confuse themselves as Chick-fil-A employees. You know, because they both don’t show up on Sunday? Swiiiiish, nothing but net.
Panthers – 10, Ravens – 38
Joe Flacco – 22/31, 327 YDS, 3 TD. Who the hell is this Joe Flacco? This is not the normal Joe Flacco. The announcers even described Flacco and Baltimore’s offense as “high powered”. It’s like they don’t even watch football.
Benard Pierce – Was a late scratch yesterday as a “precautionary measure”. The thigh injury has been changed to a quad injury, which doesn’t sound like an upgrade or a downgrade, but it’s telling that the Ravens were comfortable featuring Justin Forsett (14 CAR, 66 YDS, 1 TD and 3 REC, 31 YDS) as the feature back with Lorenzo Taliaferro (15 CAR, 58 YDS, 1 TD) getting plenty of garbage-time production. I think he’s now droppable in most common formats.
Kelvin Benjamin – 5 REC, 76 YDS, 1 TD. I liked what I saw in a game that didn’t have many Panthers highlights, and I’m buying here. But only because he’s the only thing the Panthers can sell at this point.
Lions – 24, Jets – 17
Matthew Stafford – 24/34, 293 YDS, 2 TD and 6 CAR, 8 YDS. Started the game pretty sharp, but there were times where he looked a bit lost. I still don’t understand the hard appeal, especially since Calvin Johnson does go MIA here and there. Everyone said top-5 QB this season, but his 20 TD / 12 INT pace say differently. Early still, but Philip Rivers, Jay Cutler, and Tony Romo all went for a big discount in comparison. And with me, Philip Rivers does have that hard appeal. It’s because he gives me a boner.
Joique Bell – 8 CAR, 32 YDS and 2 REC, 7 YDS. The Jets run defense is so good, running backs now get concussed when facing them. Bell left in the third quarter and did not return…. so with Theo Riddick (hamstring) and Montell Owens (hamstring) suffering their own ailments, Reggie Bush (12 CAR, 46 YDS and 4 REC, 19 YDS) will be the primary back against the Bills next week. Which means that’s when he’ll pull his annual hamstring.
Chris Ivory – 17 CAR, 84 YDS and 2 REC, 16 YDS. He had 9 CAR and 51 YDS on the first drive and then pulled a vanishing act that made Houdini weep tears of envy. He remains a fringe RB2-flexish type of thing, which sounds made up, but is totally not. Maybe.
Buccaneers – 27, Steelers – 24
Mike Glennon – 21/42, 302 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT. Any giraffe sprints spotted yet from Glennon?
Doug Martin – 14 CAR, 40 YDS, 1 TD and 2 REC, 16 YDS. I was interested to see if Martin was going to get the majority of carries, which was being reported, and it appears my interest was satisfied. SO CONSIDER MYSELF SATISFIED.
Mike Evans – 4 REC, 65 YDS, 1 TD. “C’mon on, Evans! Catch more of the damn ball! Don’t give me this ‘ole!’ bullsh*t!”
Vincent Jackson – 3 REC, 32 YDS, 1 TD. At least VJ got a TD… which I guess is better than TJ getting a VD.
Ben Roethlisberger – 29/40, 314 YDS, 3 TD and 2 CAR, 4 YDS. Sadly, if Big Ben wants something to happen, it’s going to happen. Except maybe winning this game. In other things, yes, winning this game? No actually meant no.
Antonio Brown – 7 REC, 131 YDS, 2 TD. BREAKING: Continues to look good at the game of football.
Heath Miller – 10 REC, 85 YDS, 1 TD. James Harrison was fined for this.
Dolphins – 38, Raiders – 14
Lamar Miller – 12 CAR, 64 YDS, 2 TD, 1 FUM and 2 REC, 3 YDS. As stated in yesterday’s Early Games post, it appears that Knowshon Moreno is aiming to return in Week 6. And though Miller has been doing a pretty good job, the fumbles are still an issue, and the team is not shy about wanting Moreno to be the primary back. I’d say both are holds right now, but something is going to break the camels back… which sounds really mean. What do you have against camels?
Brian Hartline – 6 REC, 74 YDS. Deceptively fast, yet not deceptively white.
Maurice Jones-Drew – 2 CAR, 1 YDS and 2 REC, 2 YDS. We’ve switched Maurice Jones-Drew with Toby Gerhart, let’s see if anyone notices.
Andre Holmes – 5 REC, 74 YDS, 1 TD. “GOOOOOAL! Holmes.” What? I couldn’t think of a Sherlock Holmes joke, so we went soccer. This is what London football does to us. Always remember.
Jaguars – 14, Chargers – 33
Donald Brown – 10 CAR, 19 YDS and 4 REC, 35 YDS. While the Jaguars front four aren’t necessarily bad, this was the game everyone expected Donald Brown to produce… something in. Even if you didn’t expect gaudy totals against a team that’s been giving up 89 points a game, the volume alone was enough to think about in your RB2 spot… not so much anymore. It’s no secret that the Chargers prefer Brown strictly as a situational third-down back, and with Mathews possibly returning in a few weeks, Brown is now imminently droppable with the Jets coming up. I’d argue (I did actually) that he was never pickable, but I’m not even sure that’s a word.
Eddie Royal – 5 REC, 105 YDS, 2 TD. See? What did I tell ya? It pays off to be a homer 100% of the time when it works 50% percent of the time all of the time, except the times when you’re not Ryan Mathews. Which comes out to be 67.1% of the time. I think. I have no idea what math is.
Blake Bortles – 29/37, 253 YDS, 1 TD, 2 INT and 5 CAR, 24 YDS. The Bortles Dynasty has begun, and it look fairly competent in the first half. He’s accurate, mobile, and makes good decisions… except when he doesn’t. I could see some matchup appeal here, but as with other rookie QB’s, the risk of sh*tting the bed is always there, so use him accordingly.
Toby Gerhart – 10 CAR, 32 YDS, 1 TD. “Needed half a yard and didn’t get it.” Gerhart’s season in a nutshell
Clay Harbor – 8 REC, 69 YDS. Who?
Cecil Shorts – 2 REC, 20 YDS. Left the game early with a left hamstring injury, but none of this is surprising. His entire career has been an aggravated hamstring injury.
Falcons – 28, Vikings – 41
Jerick McKinnon – 18 CAR, 135 YDS and 1 REC, 17 YDS. Great game not Cordarrelle Patterson! Interesting that he was such a major part of the offense at the same time Asiata went Asiata all over the Falcons. Asiata still looks to get most, if not all the goal line duties, and a good portion of the grunt work, but McKinnon is establishing himself as a possible RB2, as there were moments where he looked downright dominating. He’s probably a must-add if still available, and I have to be honest here, I might have been late to the party.
Matt Ryan – 25/41, 298 YDS, 3 TD, 2 INT and 2 CAR, 2 YDS. Despite the underwhelming game (which he’s prone to do outside the Georgia Dome), he’s still on pace for over 5,000 YDS and 40 TDs. Yeah, the Tampa Bay game helped, but these are still gaudy totals we’re looking at here.
Eagles – 21, 49ers – 26
Colin Kaepernick – 17/30, 218 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 7 CAR, 58 YDS. His numbers were good, but deceiving, as he looked really lost at times. But he was still able to make plays with his legs and did just enough to win. I’m pretty sure I just discovered the perfect description for him.
Stevie Johnson – 1 REC, 12 YDS, 1 TD. Did not blame God for that touchdown catch.
Vernon Davis – 2 REC, 8 YDS. RIP Vernon Davis’ spine. Took a scary hit during the game, but the X-rays came out negative, though he was suffering from back spasms post-game. Davis will be listed as questionable, and though they expect him to play in Week 5, I’d be prepared for the alternative.
Nick Foles – 21/43, 195 YDS, 2 INT and 1 CAR, 1 YDS. Just in time for you to use him as your bye-week fill-in, Foles put up the worst game in his carrier. Which doesn’t even seem horrible under that context. I’m not necessarily concerned with Foles himself, but the offensive line is in shambles. Luckily, they’ll have the Rams, an entire franchise in shambles, coming up next week, so look forward to the shamble battle. That’s mine, you can’t have it.
LeSean McCoy – 10 CAR, 17 YDS. Sooooo, that’s 29 carries and 39 yards in the past two games. This is somewhat concerning, as only one-of-the-three injured lineman (RT Lane Johnson) will be coming back soon, but let’s see what happens against the Rams. Maybe Chip Kelly can innovate™ a brand new line. Or something that can block for more than three seconds.
Zach Ertz – 4 REC, 43 YDS. Well, that Ertz.
Saints – 17, Cowboys – 38
Terrance Williams – 6 REC, 77 YDS, 2 TD. Anyone but Dez seemed to be the strategy last night. This strategy sucks, just for the record.
Drew Brees – 32/44, 340 YDS, 2 TD, 1 INT and 1 CAR, 6 YDS. I’m pretty sure Breesus still has too much time left on the clock and will be driving down the field for a comeback any second now. Any second now…
Jimmy Graham – 8 REC, 86 YDS, 1 TD. I once knew a basketball player who had the same name. WEIRD.